Now I Know!

As a person who has had anorexia for just about half my life, it's easy for me to forget how "normal" people react to food, or lack of it.  Or, if not forget, then just to not understand.  What do you mean you NEED food?  Who NEEDS food??  What does that mean, to NEED food?  Those words don't have any meaning to me.  Or they didn't, anyway, until today!

Growing up, my dad and I were very similar in regards to food.  Even pre-anorexia, I was never the kind of person who would get cranky, tired, shaky or dizzy when I was hungry.  My dad is the same.  We could go all day, being busy, and legitimately forget to eat.  My dad is a busy attorney and doesn't always have time for lunch or snacks.  Sometimes he'll eat at his desk.  Sip a smoothie or pick at a fruit salad while on the phone.  Other times he'll just go without, and eat later on.  Same with water.  If he was busy and didn't have time to go get a bottle of water, he'd just wait and get one later when he had a minute.  In 2009 he had a kidney transplant, so since then he's been required to drink X amount of water every day, so now he keeps water bottles with him at all times.  But the food is the same.  He eats when he can.

I was just like my dad in that regard.  Always busy, working on something, playing, doing sports, too busy to eat.  It wasn't until I developed anorexia in my teens that I even really gave much thought to food, in a positive or negative way.  It wasn't until I was starving that I became aware of, even obsessed with, food.

My mom and my sister, on the other hand, were the opposite.  My sister would get shaky, tired and dizzy if she went more than a few hours without a snack.  My mom, too.  I can always tell when she's hungry or thirsty, because we'll be in the car or wherever and she just starts yawning uncontrollably, again and again.  Give her some food and she perks right up.  I remember her telling me one time, "Hannah and I are very food-dependent.  You and dad aren't."  I can't remember why she said that at the time.  Probably because she and my sister had to stop and eat and I was annoyed.  Oops!

Another memory I have is when I was 19, starving to death, I was in the car with my mom and sister in the middle of the day.  My sister had some kind of vision doctor appointment that my mom was taking her to.  She had to get Hannah out of school for it, right at lunch time.  I was in the throes of anorexia.  It was about October or November of 2006.  My sister brought her school lunch in the car.  It was PIZZA!  Oh.. the smell!  The smell of cheese and pepperoni and crust... it was more than I could bear.  I remember crying in the car, yelling at my mom, "Why didn't you make her eat at school?  Why are you doing this to me??"  Poor Hannah just stared down at her tray in her lap in the backseat.  She was all of 10 years old.  She offered me a bite of pizza and I yelled at her.  I feel bad about it now.  But I was determined NOT to be food-dependent like Hannah and my mom were.

And I wasn't!  I always prided myself on my ability to just wait, to just not eat until later.  Sure it made me cranky, nauseous, tired, dizzy and cold, but that was because I was eating literally NOTHING, not because I was taking too long between meals.  That seemed so weak, so gluttonous to me at the time.  But now I cannot think that about myself anymore... I have learned!

I ate breakfast this morning at 8:00am.  A bowl of cheerios and a small banana.  I used 1% milk which, if you know me, is a huge thing!  For me to drink anything except for skim is a pretty big deal.  Anyway, I left the house at 9:50am to go to my Zumba class that my friend is subbing.  While I drove there, I called my mom to see if she wanted to go to Starbucks with me afterward.  I was jonesin for a decaf, nonfat caramel macchiato (hush, I get them like once a month! lol.)  She said she was going to Wilsonville to help assemble some project for a group she's in, and asked if I wanted to go along and help.  I said sure, changed my plans, and went with her.

Well, as often happens with my mom, things took way longer than anticipated.  By the time I looked my mom in the eye and said, "I need to go... NOW!" it was past 1:00pm and I hadn't eaten anything since my cheerios!  I had been doing so well feeding my little kidney bean regularly that I hadn't found myself in a situation like this until today!  Oh my... what an eye-opening experience it was!

I was cranky, nauseous, tired, shaky and freezing.  Feels actually like anorexia, really!  Don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying that I'm never again going to think to myself "I don't need food."  I'm sure I'll think that, eventually, after this kid is born.  My eating disorder is not gone, it's just suppressed right now.  But this morning I was not thinking "I need food," I was thinking, "This fetus needs food!"  Somehow, that was acceptable.  Why is that more acceptable than ME needing food?  I have no idea.  I never said it made any sense!

But now I know what that feels like!  After all this time, I finally was educated in that.  Nothing that a little yogurt & granola thing from Starbucks couldn't fix.  I'm all good now!  But I'm learning every single day.  What an interesting experience this will be by the time it's all over!!!  Maybe I should write a book, LOL!

happy friday! xoxoxoxo :)