Rough Day - Feeling Better

Yesterday was the day (one of many to come I'm sure) that shit got REAL!  I was unpacking the last few boxes of my clothes in the middle of the day, and I came across ALL my pairs of jeans.  I haven't put on a pair of jeans since before I discovered I was pregnant, 1 month and 2 days ago.  I already thought they were fitting tighter (which scared the shit out of me) so I just didn't dare go near them anymore.

So here I am, sitting on the floor of the bedroom, faced with 4 or 5 pairs of jeans.  Probably what I should have done was just put them all away immediately.  Either into storage or just throw them out.  But I didn't.  I picked the biggest pair I had and tried to put them on.  I just HAD to know! I was hoping they'd still fit because I'm so sick of wearing sweatpants and Zumba pants all the time.  

Well... they fit... kind of!  They fit fine in the legs but the waist was too tight.  Surprise!  I could button them, but barely.  So I sighed, took them off, folded them up and put them in a separate bag.  And promptly lost my shit.  I haven't cried that hard in a long time.  Still, I made myself go through all my jeans and shorts and throw away the ones I won't wear again (either because they're out of style or I just can't stomach the thought of trying them on again and again.. and not fitting into them.)

See, the thing is.. I know that childbirth can change your BONE structure in your pelvis.  It doesn't necessarily, but it can.  It can widen your bones.  They spread apart to let the child pass.  Which is probably one of the coolest things the body (sometimes) does!  It also changes the way you fit into pants.  I am NOT SAYING that wider pelvic bones = fat!  That is not what I believe.  I just know that it might happen to me and the pants that fit me so great before might never fit me again.  But they might fit me again!  No way to know but to wait and see.  So I threw away some jeans and kept some others.  Same with shorts.

Today I feel better.  Still very scary to think about what is going on with my body, and what is to come.  But at the end of the day I don't have a choice but to keep going, right?  Losing weight is not an option.  Restricting is not an option.  My eating disorder is LOUD and ANGRY in my head, but it can just stay there and not come out until after this baby is born, or maybe never at all.

I am not opposed to my eating disorder going away.  Not really, anyway.  Of course there is part of me that would like to hang on to it, but I'm not going to beg it to stay.  It's already abundantly clear to me that I am able to make these changes when a little tiny fetus is depending on it.  Why that little fetus is more deserving of it than I alone am, I do not know.  But hey, it's a start right?

My little fetus is 10 weeks old today :)  How cute!