The Definition of "Torn"

***Note: If you have negative thoughts about this post, you can post them in the comments, but don't be vulgar about it, or tell me I'm a horrible person.  I will delete comments like that.  If you don't have anything civil to say, don't say anything.  Thank you!!!  Warnings: trigger, controversy.  Are you surprised, really? Lol!

Generally speaking, I believe we all do the best we can all the time.  I don't mean that we never make a bad choice or a mistake - we ALL do.  We lie when we know we shouldn't.  We tell people "no" when we should really say "yes."  We procrastinate.  We skip stuff.  That's not what I mean.  I mean that on the whole we all do the best we can with what we have.  The little day-to-day stuff isn't so significant, really.  

My little fetus is 8 weeks and 2 days "old."  (Hard to say "old" when it isn't born, but I did call it a fetus, not a baby so... you get the idea! Lol.)  And man.. let me tell you... #pregnantanorexic is a FUCKING hard thing to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I invented that hashtag the other day.  Well, it may already be invented somewhere but.. I conjured it up in my brain.  

I am going to tell you how I physically feel:

I feel fat.  Like I mentioned in a previous post, anyone who tries to tell you "fat is not a feeling" is dead wrong.  It IS a feeling.  It's a physical feeling and an emotional feeling, although I'm talking purely physical right now.  I feel jiggly.  Whenever I move, I can feel my fat jiggling underneath my skin.  Everywhere.  When I'm driving and I go over a bump in the road, I can feel it.  When I take a step, I can feel it.  When I bend over to pick something up, I can feel it.  When I just EXIST I can feel it.  I know that this is because my body is used to working out so much, and now I cannot work out to the level that it's used to.  I am just hoping hoping hoping that my body can compensate.  Also, my freaking boobs are getting bigger every single day! EEK!  Haha.

I feel dense.  My midsection feels boggy, heavy, sloshy and solid.  It feels like my uterus is a sponge that is full of jello.  I feel blood gathering there.  I know that it is growing, making room for my fetus to grow and grow.  The blood is there to insulate the fetus.  To make sure that energy goes there to help it.  I am okay with this dense feeling.  It's weird, but it does not bother me very much.

I feel tired.  So unbelievably tired!  It's absolutely crazy.  I am a person who never ever ever takes naps except when I'm sick, and then only rarely.  Yesterday I slept for about an hour!  I never do that!  Various times throughout the day, my eyelids will just get heavy.  They won't stay open no matter what I do.  Usually I can remedy that by sitting down, reading a book, reading a blog, watching a show on my phone or something for about 30-45 minutes.  Occasionally, though, I can't stay awake.  Like yesterday, for example.  It's a very weird feeling.  Despite my body working so hard to grow this little creature, I don't sleep well at night.

I feel nauseated.  Not all the time, thank goodness!  But periodically throughout the day I'll feel it.  Nothing too bad, and usually eating a little something (like a few saltine crackers or an apple) will take care of it.  However, I've been told it can get worse after the 8th week, so we'll see!  I'm on my way to 9 weeks now.

(This one is a gross one, sorry, but I'm being totally honest with you here)  I feel super backed up.  Iron pills... yay constipation!  Miralax... you were my only hope!  But you are failing me!! Lol.  Let's face it - I never had the greatest digestion even before pregnancy and iron pills.  I'm totally fucked now!

Those are the basics of how I physically feel right now.  Mentally and emotionally is a whole different story!  Now I will tell you how I emotionally feel:

I feel sad.  This was interesting, I was totally intending to write "scared" right there, but my fingers typed "sad" without permission.  So, sad it is!  I feel sad because my body was so.... much better.  Now I just feel like a whale.  I guess this goes back to the first one I listed under physical - fat.  I do feel sad.  I am grieving the way I looked just a month ago, or 2 months ago.  But I know this is only temporary and it will be so worth it.  I wish the computer had a thing where I could plug a cord into my brain and into the computer so it could put my feelings into words.  To make you understand how incredibly HARD this is!!!  Also, I feel sad because my hormones are crazy!  I'll suddenly just start crying out of nowhere!  Also, I am sad because a part of my life is over.  I can never go back.  But I'm not actually so very sad about that... even if I weren't pregnant now, I still could never go back! 

I feel scared.  There we go.  Scared.  I am scared that I will gain a ton of weight.  I am scared that I'll never get my body back again.  I am scared that I will be unable to teach Zumba again after giving birth because of my hugeness.  I am scared that childbirth will hurt a lot.  Let me rephrase that, I am scared because I KNOW that childbirth will hurt a lot.  I am scared still that something will happen to this fetus!  I am scared that I won't be a good mom, even though I think I will.  I am scared that the baby will be born with some kind of birth defect or problem.  I am scared of burying my own child.

I feel excited.  I really do want to be a mom!  I am excited at the idea that this could happen.  I am excited at the feeling that I'm never really alone.. there is someone with me all the time now.  I'm sitting here in my kitchen, typing this, by myself.  But I'm not really by myself!  I have my 2 bulldogs, my 3 birds, my snake, and my fetus.  My little kidney bean!  He/She is right here with me!  Every second of the day.  For the next 32 weeks, god willing, I'll never have to face anything on my own again!  I always have someone with me who agrees with me (lol) and wants the best for me, just because it wants the best for IT!  Little kidney bean gives me an excuse to say "No" to people when I need to.  I am good as long as I have my little bean.  And I always tell him/her "You can make me as sick as you want.  We love you, we want to see you, but not until November!"

I feel powerful.  My body is apparently capable of incubating a fetus, at least for 8 weeks!  I'm clearly still pregnant.  My boobs hurt, I'm nauseous, etc.  So clearly there is still something going on, so I am going to assume that my little bean is alive and growing in there!  How amazing is this??? My body, that I spent so much time hating on (and still do, to be honest) is GROWING a BABY!  As if it were a garden!!!! As if it were made of rich soil and this little thing is a seed in there, and it puts down its roots and says "here's a good spot!" and just starts growing away in there!  And I was SOOOOOOO mean to my body all the month of March until I found out, and it kept on growing that baby anyway!  How incredibly crazy and cool is that??  Now that the fetus is there, and conceived, it's all up to me.  And I've made it 8 weeks and 2 days with really minimal medical help, after the initial problem on 3/26.  My body is figuring this out.  This - the most complicated thing!  I am doing it!  I am really doing it!!!

So now you are probably wondering, "what is with the title of this post?"  Despite all those good things I feel, there is still a part of me hanging onto the idea that this fetus might not make it.  I'm not sure which part of me is hanging onto that.  I have a suspicion that it might actually be my ED hanging on to that.  If it had a voice to it, it would sound something like this:

"If this fetus doesn't live, then it's much sooner that you can get back to working out.  Much sooner that you'll be free of the nausea.  Much sooner that you won't have to take disgusting iron pills.  Much sooner that you can get back to doing ab workouts and get more muscle tone back.  Much sooner that you can stop worrying about finding blood in your underwear every time you sneeze."

It's like a mix of things related to exercise/weight and things that are legitimately annoying like nausea and taking gross pills and sneeze-phobia.  Which is why I think it's my ED brain, going together with my self-protecting brain.  Wait a minute, are those two actually separate at all???  But THAT, my friends, is the definition of torn right there.  

Unquestionably, I want this baby to live.  Unquestionably, I also DON'T want to be pregnant right now!  Which do I want more?  The first one, obviously, or else I wouldn't be pregnant right now.  So it's not that I can't make a decision.  I made it!  But, unquestionably, this is one of the very hardest things I've ever done.