Christmas Is Coming

As the holiday approaches at the speed of light, I find myself wondering where the time went.  Wasn't it just Christmas 2015, like, the other day?  For that matter, wasn't I just nursing my 1 month old to sleep on Christmas Eve 2014, like, last week???  How is it already Christmas 2016?? How do I already have a TWO YEAR OLD?!  

The big news around here is that Santa is coming.  Mara is finally old enough to have a basic concept of Santa Claus.  That is to say, she can recognize Santa either in live or cartoon/illustration form.  We went and met Santa at the mall on Wednesday.  She didn't cry but she didn't want to sit by him on her own, so I had to come be in the picture too.  But when the photos were done she didn't want to leave him!  She wanted to fist bump him, tell him about her doggies at home and examine his beard.  LOL!

After seeing Santa Claus, we went over to Claire's and Mara got her biggie girl earrings!  She had seen me putting my earrings in about a week before and had been obsessed with the idea of wearing her own earrings ever since.  I explained that she couldn't because her ears weren't pierced.  She ran to Corky saying, "Daddy! I need some pierced ears!"  Needless to say, Daddy gives her pretty much whatever she wants.  She did great.  Didn't even make a peep!  No problem once she was distracted by the candy cane Santa gave her.  She looks so cute and calls them her "Princess earrings".  So far no signs of infection and even though letting me clean them isn't her favorite thing, she tolerates it reasonably well.

The other big news around here is that Mara is finally weaned and, dare I say it, potty trained.  I definitely have a big girl on my hands now, and not a little baby.  Although occasionally I swoop her up cradle-style and she'll say, "I a baby girl."  Which is pretty cute, and I kiss her all over her cheeks and rock her and sing to her.  

Parenting right now is hard.  Mara is very stubborn and can be prone to tantrums.  She doesn't like to listen some of the time.  I often feel as though I'm just hitting my head on a wall when it comes to discipline.  One morning this week, I put her in time out 11 times before 7:30am!  It was one of those things that went like this (although I can't remember what the exact issue was.  I'll just use an example of an issue we often argue about):

Me:  Mara, come put on your underpants, it's time to get ready for school.

Mara: NO!

Me:  Please come here, you've got to wear underpants under your clothes.

Mara: NO UNDERPANTS!  I want wear tights!

Me:  You can wear tights but you need underpants on first.

Mara: (ignores me and continues playing with whatever she was holding)

Me:  Mara, I'm going to count to 3, please come put on your underpants by then or you're going to go into time out for not listening.

Mara: (ignores me)

Me: 1.......2.......3...... OK, into time out you go!

I place Mara in the corner where she proceeds to fling herself back onto the carpet and wail. 30 seconds pass.

Me:  OK, are you ready to listen now?

Mara:  Yes.

Me:  OK, come on out.  Let's put your underpants on.

Mara: NO UNDERPANTS!!!!

And so it repeats.... 

Eventually she'll get really mad and start hitting me, and then it's right back into time out.  And again. And again.

It usually ends with me needing a giant cup of coffee.

This size should do it!

So it's definitely a challenge.  However, there are some really sweet moments too.  Like when I come home from somewhere and Mara comes running up to me yelling, "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!!!!" And flings herself into my arms.  Or when she wakes up from a nightmare and cries for me and then snuggles up against me when I lay down with her.  Or, my new favorite, when she tries to tickle me by kissing my neck with her little arms wrapped around me.  

I do love her so.  As frustrating as being her mother can be, there's no other title I'd rather have.

Snowed In 2016

Well we had a miniature version of the ice/snowmageddon that we had in 2014.  Luckily this time I wasn't driving home from anywhere when the storm hit!

It started off innocently enough with lots and lots of wind and some snow flurries.

Nothing too terrible.  The snow was so dry at this point; it reminded me of South Dakota snow.  It blew across the pavement and collected against surfaces (like the pine needles in the above pic).

Soon, however, the ground started looking like this:

Knowing that a) I live way up on a hill, b) my little Mazda is not the best for snow driving and c) that this was just the beginning of the predicted snowstorm, I decided to go pick up Mara early from school.  This turned out to be a good decision because not long after we returned that THIS was the sight from the window:

We hunkered down at home for the afternoon (Corky was at work but he had chains for his car), and soon the snow turned to ice. 

To keep herself entertained during our time of being stuck in the house, Mara (who has an ear infection):

-watched Christmas movies by the light of the tree

-tried to teach Abby to read a clock

-played beauty salon with Abby (the most patient French bulldog that ever lived) and,

-pretended to take Mommy's body fat measurements (she saw corky and me doing this the night before lol)

That evening, corky and I ventured out to Safeway while Mara stayed home with corky's mom and brother. The place was a sheet of ice and we slid all over the place despite the chains.  It was very exciting.

Seattle Spartan - October 2016

Corky, Mara and I took a road trip to Seattle for me to run a Spartan race on October 22.  A Spartan, for those of you who don't know, is like a mud obstacle run.  They have varying lengths, this one was between 3 and 5 miles.  

It was chilly, difficult and MUDDY!  I have never, ever in my life seen so much mud. I was basically brown after the race.  I LOVED IT!  It was so much fun!

Basically, at each obstacle, you get one chance to complete it and if you fail, you have to do 30 burpees. Out of 20 obstacles, I only had to do burpees at 3. 30 burpees are exhausting!  Anyway, here are some pics from the weekend.

The venue:

Done! Exhausted! Muddy!! 

Love hotel mirrors.

Mara does love her Starbucks! 

Puffin! 

Disneyland - December 2016 Part 2

The second day, Mara and I had a breakfast date with a friend of mine who lives in the area. We walked to Downtown Disney and met her and her 2 kiddo's at the rainforest café, which I had no idea served breakfast. Pretty damn tasty breakfast too, I might add!  Anyway, Mara wasn't too sure about the gorillas and stuff in there but she sure had fun chasing my friend's son around while her newborn slept in her carrier like an angel.

Mara spots the diver cleaning the huge aquariums.

After breakfast, my parents and sister picked us up and we headed for Universal Studios. My sister is an avid Harry Potter lover so she was over the moon about the newly opened Harry Potter section there. We had butterbeer first thing - it's delicious!

Poor Mara just could not stay awake

I don't have any other pics from Universal because they're all on either my mom's or my sister's phones, but the remainder of the day included:

-dragging my mom on The Mummy ride

-the Universal Studios tour

-the Jurassic Park ride

-Panda Express

-Starbucks

-meeting Optimus Prime (or Octopus Prime as Mara calls him)

It was awesome and Mara was such a trooper despite a nasty cough, runny nose and low grade fever (which I didn't know she had til we were already there. Oops!)

The next day we packed up and flew home. It was a short but awesome trip!

Disneyland - December 2016

My parents, my sister, Mara and I went to Disneyland for a long weekend on December 1st.  It was great, despite Mara getting sick. I would love to go on vacation just once and not need Mara's Tylenol.  Anyway, here's some pics from the trip. I'm missing several so I might make an additional post later to add them. 

Mara's first time traveling old enough for her own airplane seat. Let's just say it didn't go so well.  Tantrum central. 

The next morning we got up, had breakfast:

And headed to the playground on the hotel grounds to play while we waited for my parents and sister, who aren't as early risers as we are. It was a bit windy! 

We finally made it to Disneyland around 11:30.  Mara was already starting to feel under the weather but, bless her heart, she was a trooper. Here are some assorted pics from Disneyland.

In line for Pirates of the Caribbean (which Mara was terrified of)

Fast passes for my sister's first time on Space Mountain.

In line for Small World (which Mara loooooved!)

I was freezing! 

Coming Soon...

A MAJOR picture dump.  Standby!!!

Another Brain Dump Post

Gosh you guys, I'm sure sorry for all the brain dump posts these days.  But my head is so full of stuff that I have to get it out somehow.  Writing it out helps, for whatever reason, and although it may be boring, that is the purpose of this blog.  I am a real person with real struggles and day to day crap to deal with.  So this is my life.  Broadcasted out via my blog.  It is what it is.

1) Work.  Since passing my exam, I've been taking steps to secure a job as a personal trainer.  On Wednesday night I spoke to the training director at one of my gyms and got the ball rolling, so to speak, on potentially working there.  It was fortuitous that I started talking to him that night because he said he's in need of a female trainer by the 1st of January.  So he's going to talk to his boss and then get back to me.  I'm still waiting for my certificate to come in the mail so I'll have my Cert ID #.  Without it I can't apply for jobs.  So I have to wait a little bit longer, but that's okay.  In the meantime I'll brush up on my skills and prepare for my interview.  Not too stressful there.

2) Money.  There's really never enough of it.  Try as I might to make it stretch, my account balance goes lower and lower all the time.  It's tough this time of year.  Car insurance and property taxes both fall in November every year.  I think that's cruel.  Right at the time of needing to do holiday shopping, BAM!  You have to shell out a few grand for property taxes and car insurance.  Lame!  And we have the added expense of Mara's birthday this month.  More on that in a minute.

3) Food.  I would consider myself "recovering."  Not "recovered," not "in recovery," but "recoverING."  For me, it's a constant process.  There is no end destination, at least not that I'm aware of.  I am constantly fighting negative self-talk, negative body image, urges to restrict or over-exercise.  I am not always successful.  I'm pretty good about not restricting, but the over-exercising part is where I sometimes slip up.  It's just so easy to over-exercise when you work in a GYM.  Multiple gyms, in fact.  It's just so easy to go 20, 30, 45 minutes before class and hop on the elliptical or treadmill.  It's so easy to stay 15 minutes after class and do a weights routine.  To say nothing of teaching Zumba and dancing in front of a wall of mirrors for an hour, once or twice per day.  There's no shortage of sub jobs for me to pick up, so I can end up teaching 10 or more classes in a week.  No problem.

Is this healthy?  Yes and no.  I know many other instructors who do similar things and who don't have eating disorders (as far as I'm aware).  Now, I can't tell you what goes on in their minds, but from the outside looking in, they seem okay.  Healthy.  "Normal" even.  But who knows?  Maybe the reason they're doing extra workouts and sub jobs is because they want to go out for Taco Tuesday with their friends and drink a bunch of margaritas?  Or maybe it's because they had a fight with their spouse that morning and need to blow off the steam.  Or maybe they're frustrated about the political situation in the USA right now (God knows I understand that) and have to take it out somewhere.  The point is, there are many reasons for exercising more than the "normal" amount on any given day, not necessarily related to an eating disorder, but I can't sit here and tell you that MY reason is anything other than ED related.  I'd be lying.

All I can say for sure about this is that a) my weight is stable and fine, b) I'm not getting a ton of comments from others about needing to eat more (which was happening before) and c) I'm able to keep up with Mara and all my other daily activities without too much trouble.  Some caffeine supplementation is necessary most days.  Lol!  

4) Holidays.  Unlike many people with eating disorders, I actually LOVE the holidays.  I love Thanksgiving.  It doesn't cause me too much stress.  I don't find that I feel as though I've overeaten on Thanksgiving.  I really couldn't tell you why that is, as Thanksgiving is often a huge stressor for people with eating disorders.  At any rate, Thanksgiving this year is going to be a little..... interesting.

Without going into too much detail (for privacy reasons), I will gloss over the situation.  The current plan is to have my parents, my sister, my mother-in-law (whom I like!) and my brother-in-law (whom I also like!) here at our house for Thanksgiving, obviously in addition to Corky, Mara and me.  It's not too big of a deal.  My MIL and BIL will hopefully do most of the cooking.  My BIL is actually an awesome cook and always makes "Kate Food" for me (meaning mashed cauliflower and steamed green beans instead of mashed potatoes and green bean casserole).  

The bigger issue is Mara's birthday, which falls the day before Thanksgiving this year.  I've told my family (in-laws included) that Mara will only be getting a "big" party every 4 years.  On the other years, such as this year, she will get a small, family-only party including dinner and cake, ONE gift that everyone can contribute to, and then ONE small outing with a friend or two that does NOT include gifts or cake.  An example of that would be going to the Children's Museum or OMSI with a school friend or our neighbor who is a year older than Mara.  

Well, my MIL seems to be having a hard time grasping the fact that I don't want her to get Mara anything else aside from contributing to the big gift.  The big gift this year is a playhouse with a slide, and it's going to go in the garage because Oregon is too wet to have it out back in the wintertime.  So we need to buy those rubbery mats that you see on the floors of gyms to go underneath it.  My parents have bought the playhouse, so my MIL, BIL, Corky and I will contribute to the floor mats.  Well, that's apparently not sufficient for MIL who keeps asking me what else to buy Mara for her birthday.  I'm getting annoyed and keep telling her "nothing!" but she doesn't seem to believe me! Lol.  Guess I'll have to keep working on that.

On the plus side... I've had a bit of free time since not having to study anymore.  My house is the cleanest and most organized I think it's ever been!  So there's that!

Pass

I literally cannot talk about the election right now.  Maybe eventually, but first I would need to be able to come up with WORDS for it.

However, I can tell you.... I passed my exam!  So there's that.

It's Friday.  THANK GOD.  This has been the longest, toughest week I've had in years.  Please excuse me while I go hide in a hole for 4 years. 

One Down

One down, two to go.  

CPR/AED/First Aid.... CHECK!

USA Election...... pending.

CPT Exam.... pending.

Quiet

I've been quiet.  It's not that I don't have anything to say... I do... it's just that I don't think anyone's listening.  Maybe I'm just feeling underappreciated in other aspects of my life and it's bleeding over into the blogisphere/youtubesphere, but there you have it.  I feel like I'm talking to walls all day.

There are so many things stressing me out that I don't even know where to begin.  And who cares anyway?  Why do I even write this blog?  Why have I kept up this same thing for all these years?? I don't even know.  I guess maybe I just tell myself that someone somewhere someday is going to read it and feel like they're not the ONLY one.. same as my YouTube channel.  It feels ridiculous, at this moment, to think that anyone would care what's going on in my daily life.

That being said, writing things out helps.  It gets it off my chest.  It doesn't work the same, for some reason, to stand alone in a room and talk to myself.  I guess because I feel like I'm talking to myself all day even when amongst people, but here on the internet.... well... I can tell myself, sure, people are reading this... and I can believe it because I don't know one way or the other.  I don't know whether to believe it or not, so I'll just believe it.

1) Personal Trainer Exam.  Wednesday, November 9, 2016 at 9:00AM.  This is it.  This is what I've been studying for the past SIX months for.  It all comes down to this.  A 90 minute test.  I don't know whether I'll know that day if I passed or if they'll make me wait.  The study guide is not helpful because it seems to be for a different edition of the book than the one I have.  So I'm just flying blind, really.  I've never taken an exam like this before.  No study guide, no map.  Just me, a giant text book, and 180 days.  The organization through which I'm taking the exam is known for having the most challenging test in the industry.  That being said, it's accredited and it'll look good on my resume to have it.  So that's that.

2)  Election.  I'm not going to get into politics because, as I may have mentioned before, it makes me want to SCREAM.  But.  Neither candidate is good, in my opinion, but a 3rd party vote is not an option.  So I voted.  But I'm extremely nervous.  No matter who wins it's going to be a scary 4 years.  Seriously.  What a shit show.  Nearly 320 million people in the United States and these are the best candidates we could come up with?!  How did this happen?  And the weird thing is, everyone I talk to is like, how the hell did this happen? So if nobody knows how this happened, then when the hell actually HAPPENED here? 

3)  Frank.  I cannot housebreak him.  I love him to bits but... he's ruining my house.  We've tried everything... trainers, treats, sprays to deter him, positive reinforcement, kenneling... you name it.  Either he doesn't care at all or he's the densest dog that ever lived.  I'm not sure which is worse...

4)  Full House.  Due to circumstances that I'll not go into on here, I've got a house full of people for the foreseeable future.  In addition to myself, Corky, Mara, Abby and Frank, I've got an additional 2 adults and 1 dog.  We have only 4 bedrooms... if you do the math you can ascertain that all of them are filled.  That means 2 more people's worth of showers (and water bill), electricity (and the corresponding bill), groceries (which, interestingly, no one else seems keen on replacing...) and noise at all hours of the day and night as people rumble around before dawn getting ready for work.  And that's not even mentioning the 3 extra sets of muddy footprints that decorate my floors on a daily basis because we live in Oregon where the ground is basically mud from about October to June.  And wouldn't you know it, I appear to be the only person in the place that knows how to use a vacuum and mop....

5)  Money.  There's never enough of it.  My bank account is dwindling and my car so rudely  keeps needing gasoline and our fridge has the audacity to keep needing to be stocked.  It's ridiculous.. I feel like I should get a mulligan or a freebie or something because half the meals I make for Mara she turns her nose up at (despite the fact that she herself requested that very meal just minutes before) so they either get dumped into the garbage or Frank gets ahold of them.  

Hi, I'm a mom and my hobbies include making food that no one eats, talking to myself and stepping on legos all day long. 

I'm not trying to make this post into one big bitch-fest but... damn... I'm feeling beaten down.  Mara's behavior is a whole other thing but I don't feel like getting into that just now............

Grandma (1915-2016)

I can't remember if I posted on here or not about my Grandma.  Anyway, my mom's mom died last month.  She was 101!  She lived in South Dakota until just about a year ago, and then my mom and my aunt converged on Grandma's house (with some reinforcements) and basically informed my Grandma that she could no longer live in South Dakota by herself and she was, in fact, coming with them to upstate New York where she'd live with my aunt.  

For once, my Grandma didn't argue.

Anyway, I don't think anyone thought she'd live nearly a whole year longer, but that's what she did.  Her body just gave out and she died peacefully in her sleep on the morning of September 8th.  (Why does everyone shy away from the word "died"?  She died.  That's all.)

It was a Thursday.  I had just finished teaching a Zumba class.  Mara was a preschool.  I was just signing out at the gym when my phone rang.  I saw it was my mom and I just knew.  She asked me if I had time to meet to get a coffee.  I said, "Did Aunt Ruth call you?"  She hesitated, then said, "Grandma died this morning."  "Okay," was all I said.  Because what else could I say?

My mom asked me to speak at my Grandma's memorial.  We didn't have a date planned, of course, because we didn't know when she would die.  Naturally, I agreed.  I felt honored that she had asked me, especially since she said nobody else would be asked to speak.  She said she thought I'd be a good candidate for that.  And, not to sound braggy or boastful, I believe she's right.  I'm not an overly emotional person, at least not in that sense.  I didn't cry when she told me Grandma died.  I knew it was coming so I felt somewhat ready for it.

My Grandma's memorial was held on October 2, 2016, in Vermillion, South Dakota, where Grandma lived up until she went to New York.  It was very odd being back in Vermillion, knowing that my Grandma was not there.  At least, not in the form I was used to seeing her in!  Her urn was there but... that's not the same, somehow.  I spent several weeks each summer in Vermillion over the years.  It was strange to know that this would likely be my last trip (unless I go back to help my mom with the house arrangements at a later date.)

I do have pics from the trip, mainly of Mara being cute in South Dakota, but my phone and computer aren't communicating right now, so I can't upload the photos easily.  I'll have to put them in later.

Photobooth

Well hello there, Blogisphere.  Long time, no see.

Let's just get into it, shall we?

The other day I was playing with the Photo Booth app on my computer and Mara came and crawled into my lap, asking to "see pictures."  So we took a bunch of photos.  Add a black and white filter and they look quite artistic if I do say so myself!  Here they are.