Angry ED Post

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I have no idea what is going to come out in this post so I apologize in advance.

I am having SUCH a shitty day with food.  I am just so fucking hungry all the time and I really hate it.  I work out a lot, I know, but I perceive I look so humongous and giant and disgusting that I want to just starve.  But I still nurse Mara (much less than before but.. just for comfort) and if I quit eating then my milk supply will dry up completely.  It's not fair to her.

But feeling this way isn't fair to me! I'm such a fucking pig.  I'm a lazy, stupid, fat bitch.  I want to crawl out of my fucking skin right now.  Life is hard.  Life is fucking hard.  I know there's people in the world who have it way worse than me but you know what?  Right now?  Life is fucking hard.  My head is a shitty place to be right now.  I want to build a fucking time machine and go back and not eat anything.  Ever.  Ever again.

I want to cry but I can't.  The tears won't come out.  What good would it do anyway?  I've been struggling so much recently but nobody wants to hear about it so I just keep it to myself.  Just box it up and shove it away somewhere in my brain.  Well.  Storage is full.  Overflow.

It's been a really long time since I've felt this way.  Like, to this extent.  I haven't made a post like this on here in a long time.  I guess maybe I'm not recovered after all........

Coming Around

Well, after 4 straight days of fever (topping out at 103.9F!), Mara is coming around and acting more like herself again.  Not exactly like her normal self, but closer than she's been in a while.  Currently she's testing my patience by throwing her fork on the floor over and over.  

One week till Race Day.  Not feeling ready, but I say that every race!

Currently, drinking Coke Zero and trying to put away groceries while periodically running over to put more pieces of chicken nugget on Mara's tray.  Hope your weekend was fabulous!

Little Sickie

My poor baby girl is sick again. Her fever is crazy high and she's miserable. Poor little thing!  I love my girl and I hate when she doesn't feel well.

I took her to the doctor yesterday and to say that the exam was traumatic would be a major understatement.  It took the nurse and me about twenty tried just to take her temperature (in her ear, mind you!) and the doctor's exam was, in a word, loud. She screamed so hard and struggled so much that she basically stopped breathing and turned purple. When it was all over (diagnosis: virus. Surprise!) she nursed and I just bawled. It was awful having to torture her like that. 

Here are some pics of my little beauty.  Just because I love her so much. 

Waiting for the doctor

Passed out on the floor (she looks so little!!)

My little love

How Mara felt about waking up (she kills me!)

Feeling Like

I don't have anything particularly riveting to say today.  Maybe I just shouldn't blog today.  But I feel like it, I guess.

The problem is that it just takes so much energy to actually try to put my thoughts and feelings into words sometimes.  What's the point, really?  Does anyone really actually care what I'm thinking or feeling?  Probably not.  But this blog acts as a journal, of sorts, and I guess just writing for the sake of saying SOMETHING is reason enough.

I feel....... really overwhelmed at times.  Like I'm drowning.  Like I can't stay afloat.  There are just so many THINGS.... trying to housebreak Frank (which is not going well at all), trying to parent my spirited child, trying to keep house, trying to teach all my classes plus the ones they ask me to substitute (not all of which I accept), trying to study for my personal trainer certification while training for half marathons, a triathlon and a marathon, all while trying to find 5 minutes to take a shower and shave my damn legs!  I ran that relay the other weekend with my leg hair blowing in the mountain breeze because I hadn't had a shower longer than hop-in-wash-everything-hop-out in a week!  It's crazy.

I know that many of those things are things that I brought upon myself.  But I'm almost 29... how much longer am I going to even be ABLE to do these things?  I don't mean to say I'm old or that my body is quitting.  It's not...  but we are never promised tomorrow and I want to do these things.  Now is the time.

This is just the phase of life I'm in, I suppose.  

Here's some pictures from the last few weeks, not in any order.

Selfie while studying at 11pm

CARROT!

Dinner (chicken, mashed cauliflower/potatoes, carrots & hummus)

Frankie LongLegs

Frank tearing stuff up on the back deck

He guards my dreams

Park vibes - Mara Soleil

My sister and me

Shorts & race shirt kinda weather

Thank you snapchat for hours of entertainment for 

my toddler and myself!

My pretty girl

New YouTube Video Up!

Hellooooooooo out there.  Just popping in to say that I made a new YouTube video.  It's up on my channel.  Here is the link in case you want to watch it! 

Click HERE to watch the video.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the dads! xo

Gorgeous H2HR - My First Relay

On Saturday, June 11th, my fellow fitness instructor/runner friend, Teresa, posted on her Facebook asking if anyone wanted to go for a run with her the following day, as the weather would be nice.  I commented something like, "ME ME ME ME ME!"  You all know I love to run!

Anyway, she sent me a message explaining that there was a new relay race course being tested out on Mt. Hood the next day and she needed another teammate.  The course was from Timberline Lodge to Waterfront Park in Hood River, Oregon... and it started the next morning at 7:00am!  

The next day was Sunday so Corky would be off and could spend the day with Mara.  The cost was affordable - it was free!  I'd never run a relay before and thought it sounded like fun.  So of course I jumped at the chance!  It was truly an awesome experience.  The course was BEAUTIFUL, the weather was amazing and the people were all so nice.  I could not ask for a better experience for my first relay.

The next morning I met Teresa and her husband at the gym at 5:15am.  

(Can I just take a moment to say that I absolutely LOVED driving at that time?  It took me nearly five whole minutes before I saw another car on the road!  The trip to the gym normally would take me about 15 minutes.  I completed it in 8!)  

They pulled in next to me and Teresa petitely hopped out of their silver SUV, coming around to greet me.  I left my car in the parking lot there and we caravanned to the other side of the city to pick up our 3rd team member, Joe, a tall, athletic guy with an easy smile.  Joe folded himself neatly into the backseat beside me and off we went.

The drive was a snap.  No traffic of course, since most people weren't even awake yet!  We made small talk on the trip up and I ate my breakfast of 4 BelVita breakfast biscuits that I had snagged from Mara's snack basket in the pantry that morning.  

Joe and Teresa explained to me how the relay worked.  Teresa's husband would drive their car and whichever two of us weren't running to the next exchange point, coming back to check on the runner periodically an offer water and support.  We would each be running 4 legs, since there were 12 legs total and we only had 3 people.  Most of the other teams had 6. We decided we weren't going to stress too much about pace and just focus on finishing the race.  

As we neared Mt. Hood, the scenery began to change.  The road starting climbing up and up and the trees grew taller and taller.  We all commented how grateful we were that this race was going down Mt. Hood and not up it.  We took the turn-off for Timberline lodge and the summit of majestic Mt. Hood came into view.  

It doesn't look nearly as tall and impressive in photos

as it does in real life!  Mt. Hood, summit elev. 11,250 feet

We hopped out of the car and made a bee-line for the coordinator's van, where we handed in our waivers and received a yellow "Runner on Road" sign.  We had time to stop for a quick group photo and then Joe, who was running the first leg, had to report to the starting line.

It was cold!  About 37 degrees F.

As soon as Joe took off running, we all hopped back into the car and headed down the mountain.  Despite Joe saying he would take it easy, Teresa knew Joe would be down the mountain to Government Camp, our first exchange point, in no time.  As we started down, we passed Joe, already about 500 feet ahead of the 2nd place runner.  We cheered him on, complete with the ringing of a cowbell, and continued down, the thud thud thud of Joe's footfalls fading behind us.

Car selfie!

At the exchange point we waited for Joe, feeling grateful for the fact that there were public restrooms at this location.  Since this race was the first of it's kind and it was really just a test run, there weren't any port-a-potties along the route.  So everyone utilized bathrooms at every chance they got, and we were certainly no exception.  Minutes later, Joe came chugging into the exchange point, probably about a quarter of a mile (if not more) ahead of the person behind him.  He and Teresa fist-bumped and she took off running south on highway 35.

After another bathroom stop, Joe and I piled into the SUV and Teresa's husband drove off in the direction Teresa had gone minutes earlier.  Teresa's first leg was the longest one in the race - about 6.7 miles - and it had a nice steady uphill burn to it.  We encountered Teresa about a third of the way in.  We waited at the crest of the big hill to offer her water (which she accepted) and then made our way to the second exchange point.

By this point the sun was out and the clouds, such as they were, had burned off, but it wasn't exactly warm.  Joe and I waited around at the exchange point sign.  Someone snapped a picture of us.

Photo credit: Kerry Loehr

Soon, Teresa appeared.  I slipped my phone into my black armband, strapped the band to my left bicep, bumped fists with Teresa and off I went.

Photo credit: Joe, I believe

As I started running along the left shoulder of the highway I noted, as I often do when I first begin a run, that my gait was all wonky.  I felt clumsy, uncoordinated and just not graceful.  I remember thinking that I hoped the next runner wasn't too close behind me because I thought I must look like an elephant running down the road.  Soon, however, my body became accustomed to the motion of running, my muscles warmed up a little and my gait evened out.  

Just in time for the road to start going uphill.  Yippee!  (Not.)

Fortunately, I live on a hill.  Nearly at the crest of it, I might add.  So every time I run I am basically doing hill training.  This came in handy on this particular day, as I will explain in a little bit.

My first leg was just over 4 miles long.  Maybe a little more than half of it was a steady incline.  Not too steep but definitely uphill - enough to make you feel it!  Not to mention we were still basically halfway up the mountain so I had elevation to contend with.  Talk about being out of breath! 

Sometime during the uphill part, the rest of my team drove by me.  They cheered me on, instantly bolstering my energy.  Joe rolled down the window in the back and took this picture: 

(at least I think it was Joe.  Photo credit: Joe.  Or

else Teresa.  I can't remember for sure.  Sorry!)

Interestingly, the apex of the hill was actually the exit for Mt. Hood Meadows, the place where Corky and I used to go snowboarding many times per season, back in the pre-Mara days.  I said a silent hello to my past at the exit, and continued on down the hill.

Before too long, the runner in front of me (the 1st place runner) came into view.  Since it was a steady downhill (thankfully not steep like what Joe had to endure on the first leg!), I decided I could catch her.  So I stepped up the pace just a little bit.  I don't have particularly long legs but I tried to stretch them out as I ran.  Just before the exchange point, I passed her.

Because leg #5 involved trail running, and Teresa is self-proclaimed directionally challenged and felt as though running in the woods would be pushing her luck, she and Joe switched their 2nd legs (that's a weird sentence), and Teresa was waiting for me at the next exchange point.  At this point, there were still many other vans around at the exchange point, waiting for their runners.  As the relay went on, this changed.

Off goes Teresa!

(Photo credit: Joe or Craig, not sure which!)

(Before I go on I would just like to state that, given the type of blog this has tended to be, I am not finding it necessarily easy to share all of these photos on here.  I tend to be very picky about the types of photos I will post of myself and if I perceive that I look "fat" or "big" or "bulky" in any way I will not post them.  Some of these pictures, such as the one above, I feel fall into that category. However, I feel they are necessary to include because of the challenging nature of this relay race and I want to document it visually as well as with words.  Not to mention it's probably not a bad idea to challenge that view of myself.  I am still struggling with coming to term with looking "fit" rather than "thin".  Anyway, enough about that.  On with the post.)

I felt very good after that first leg.  I was barely winded at the end.   We waited there a little while to let Teresa get started on her leg, and then eventually we drove down the road.  After checking up on Teresa part way through, we went to the next exchange point and waited.  

Before long, we saw Teresa coming into the exchange point.  You could see her from a good distance because of her bright shoes flashing in the sunlight.  With shoes like that there was no mistaking Teresa!

Once she tapped Joe's hand and he took off running, I knew I was next.  I also knew it was going to be my most challenging leg.  Or at least that's what I thought.  I was wrong, but I wouldn't know it for hours.

Joe took off running like a machine.  Within minutes he disappeared into the woods where the trail began.  We would not see him again for a while.

Joe's leg was soon over and it was again my turn.  This was my shortest leg (2.5 miles) but it was ALL uphill.  I figured I was a good choice to run this leg because of the fact that I run hills all the time at home.  This turned out to be true because about 2/3 of the way through the leg I passed the first place runner again.  As I did, we breathlessly commiserated about the grueling leg and also made note of the beauty of the summit of Mt. Hood as it peeked over the trees.  

"He's RIGHT THERE!" I point out my

proximity to the runner ahead of me. 

Photo credit: Joe.

Mercifully, the leg was short and over.  Joe was again waiting for me at the exchange point.  As I ran in, the other teams were milling around their vans and many of them held out their hands for high-fives and cheered my arrival.  The camaraderie was amazing and I felt so, so happy.  A high for sure.  However, this was the last point I remember seeing many of the other vans.  From here on out, it was basically just us and one other team.

After this point in the race, we started heading downhill primarily.  The scenery changed from mountainous, wooded, rocky terrain to farmland almost instantly.  Joe came charging down the road, out of the trees and blew past us in front of a farm with cows.  The views were spectacular.  

The next exchange point was practically in the middle of an orchard.  The backdrop of foothills against the clear blue sky (the only nice day that week, I might add!) was stunning.  Teresa and Joe traded off and away she went.  We waited around a little, conversing with the coordinator, taking in the beauty that is our lovely state of Oregon.

Soon, we headed off for the next exchange point where I would run my 3rd leg.  We got a little lost as we didn't have a map of the leg.  Thankfully, Teresa did not get lost! (The irony of that did not go unnoticed!)  We pulled into the exchange point less than 30 seconds ahead of Teresa.  I leaped out of the car, strapped my armband on, adjusted my headband and immediately started running.  I had no idea where I was going but thankfully the 1st place runner ahead of me was wearing a neon orange shirt which I could see from half a mile away, so I just followed her.

Initially I thought she was too far ahead of me to catch.  So I just relaxed into a comfortable pace (around 8 1/2 to 9 minute mile) since we weren't aiming for first place anyway.  Soon, however, I discovered that my pace was faster than the girl ahead of me and that I actually could probably catch her.  So, again, I sped up, stretched my legs out and ran.  I may not be the best at certain forms of exercise or sports but I know I can run.  So I ran.

I started to feel fatigued about half a mile from the next exchange point.  This leg was short, only 3.2 miles or so, a 5k, but I guess the hill had taken more out of me than I thought.  I looked ahead for the exchange point but couldn't see it.  So I just mentally went away, like I do when exercise is tough.  I thought about Hawaii, Mexico, Curaçao, Russia... anywhere I'd been that I'd like to go to again.  I came around a gradual corner and there was the exchange point!  Three legs down, one to go.

We were all pretty tired at this point.  Joe blasted through his last leg, coming into the exchange point sweaty and panting.  This exchange point happened to be at a fruit stand and, since he was now done running, Joe rewarded himself with a berry milkshake.  I was SOOOOO JEALOUS! But I still had one more leg to go.

Teresa powered out her last leg as well.  We were sitting comfortably in 2nd place.  I wanted SO BADLY to catch up to the 1st place runner as I had on my previous 3 legs, but I knew this last one would be tough.  (It turned out to be the hardest leg of all - even harder than the 2.5 uphill miles I had run earlier.)  To be a team of 3 running against a team of 6 and actually holding our own... man, it was a good feeling.

Anyway, I waited at the exchange sign for Teresa.  She came into view, down a hill and up again, her fist outstretched, reaching for mine.  

Photo credit: Joe (I think)

THIS LEG SUCKED!!!!!!!!  I mean, the course was beautiful, the road was fine, but I was gassed.  It was pretty warm at this point but I didn't even notice it because I was so incredibly spent that just moving my legs was hard enough and took all my attention.  

The road stretched on and on before me.  My team came by and gave me water several times, encouraged me and kept me company on this, my longest leg (5.87 miles).  An encounter with a less-than-pleasant bicyclist had us all shaking our heads at one point.

Still smiling!

Photo credit: Joe

I walked several times on this leg.  I tried not to do it when my team was around because I didn't want them to know that I couldn't run the whole time!  The 1st place team van passed me early on, all of them hanging out the windows yelling, "GO KATE!!!!"  They were really nice.

The road went up and up, on and on forever, so it seemed.  Finally, I crested a hill and then it went DOWN DOWN DOWN.  It was so steep that I actually had to pull up and stop at one point because my exhausted leg were nearly unable to keep up with my momentum.  I didn't want to roll down the rest of the hill so I slowed down.  I came down out of the hills, completed several switchbacks on this road, going from one side to the other and back depending on where the shoulder was wider.  

At the bottom, I appeared in Hood River.  My team met up with me one more time to hand me a piece of paper with directions to the finish line.  I forced my legs to keep moving and carry me the rest of the way.  I finished about 5 minutes behind the 1st place runner.  Their team and my team were waiting for me at the finish.  We all slapped high fives and congratulated one another.

(Note: my stomach sticks out because of my diastasis recti

from having a giant baby 1.5 years ago.  I'm NOT

pregnant! Hahaha)

Photo credit: Joe

Photo credit: Craig

Team WE RUN TOO!

Second place, hell yeah!

Overall it was a long, hot, tiring and incredible day.  The course was absolutely amazing.  My team was awesome.  The other teams were awesome.  It was a great experience for my first relay.  I would recommend this race to anyone!  

68

I discovered that the big pool at the gym is 25 yards.  That's about 22 meters.  To swim 1500 meters I would have to swim across that pool, lengthwise, about 68 times.  

So yesterday when I swam after class, I decided I'd do 34 lengths in freestyle and 34 in breast stroke (since breast stroke is easier for me and I get tired doing free.)  Well, time didn't permit me to get all 68 lengths in but I got 60, so that's a start!  I did 34 free, 20 breast and the last 6 free again because it's faster.  I got into a rhythm with free and breathed every 3rd stroke and it was so much easier than every 2nd.  It was RAD and I felt STRONG.  

I felt like maybe I can do this.

SOC

I feel the desire to just write this morning.  Stream of consciousness.  I don't know what will come out.  I'll just see.  

It's 8:37am, Friday, June 10, 2016.  I've been up since about 5:30am.  I had to get up at 6 anyway because I was pinch-hitting for the nanny of this family I used to babysit for and I had to be there by 6:45am.  Frank (the puppy), however, had other ideas and woke me up around 4:45am.  I took him out to potty and thankfully got back to sleep for about 45 minutes.  It was a rough night.  Mara was up for a long time in the middle of it.  So we're all pretty tired today.

I'm pretty sure Mara is getting sick again.  Her nose is all runny and her eyes are watery and she keeps sneezing this morning.  I swear to god, this child has been sick more than she has been well this past cold/flu season.  We just cannot catch a break.  Although recently it's been more like 2 weeks between sicknesses, as opposed to the 3 or 4 days between we were getting in the winter and early spring.

Last night my sister graduated from HS.  It was a pretty great night.  We went to dinner at this Thai restaurant and then went to the ceremony.  It wasn't too long or too boring.  Afterwards we went out for dessert.  It was my mom and dad, my sister, her friend and me.  It was fun.  I had never been to Papa Haydn and their dessert is bomb.  It was great.  And their coffee was good as well!

I am going to swim today after I teach Zumba.  Hopefully there will be room in the pool.  I need to study as well but I'm going to try and do that when Mara takes a nap (provided she DOES take a nap!).  Mara is off at preschool this morning.  She's so cute.  

I have less than a month until my next half marathon and a month and like 26 days or something until the triathlon.  Yesterday I went to sub a really really early cycle class at LA Fitness (5:45am) but nobody showed up so I just did my own workout on the bike.  The Tri I'm doing is Olympic distance which means 1500 meter swim (like .93 miles), a 24.9 mile bike ride (or so) and a 10k run (6.4mi).  So..... yeah.  I need to train.  A lot.  A lot a lot a lot.  And study for my personal trainer cert.  And take care of my kid.  And work.  And mind the dogs.  And keep house.  And train for the Portland Marathon in October.  Yikes!

Hmm... just remembered that my car needs servicing.  I need to call Mazda today, as well as go to the bank and Target to buy more Swiffer WetJet liquid.  And paper towels.  Ooh! Maybe I'll go to Costco for paper towels.  I like Costco.  There was this little Frozen dress there that Mara would have LOOOOVED.  It was only $13 when I was there last.  Maybe it's still there.  I can use my babysitting money for that.  I also need to buy sunblock.  It's rainy this week but the sun will come back out eventually.  And I'm out of Stevia as well, or almost.  Sigh.  So expensive.

Okay.  I'm off to fold laundry and then study a little before class. Bye!

The Terrifying Trend

As a runner, bicyclist and mother of a toddler who is prone to darting out into the street without any notice, I am horrified by a new trend I am seeing while driving.  The number of people I see blatantly ignoring traffic laws is absolutely terrifying.  I am not casting aspersions as to why people are doing this - whether it be preoccupation, general hurriedness or just a total disregard for rule.  All I know is that I am seeing it far more than I ever have before.

I've been driving for over a decade now.  I'm 28 and got my learner's permit at 15 and my license at 16.  So it's been 13 years now, almost 14, that I've been behind the wheel and paying attention to other vehicles.  I've never had an accident and never had a speeding ticket, so I like to think I'm a good driver.  No, I don't like to think that, I know that I'm a good driver.  If you looked up my driving record, all you would find is a few parking tickets.  

I'll be sitting at a red light, waiting patiently, and then when it turns green I'll lift my foot off the brake only to slam it back on when a car runs a solid red perpendicular to me.  I get cut off on the freeway on a daily basis.  I've had to screech to a halt in my neighborhood because of cars just backing out blindly right in front of me.  Just yesterday, a gardener truck completely blew a stop sign and almost T-boned me (because I don't have a stop sign going my direction but the opposite direction does) and all I could think was, THANK GOD Mara wasn't in the car with me because if he had hit me, it would have been exactly where her seat is, on the passenger side in the back.  

There was one time I came within inches of someone who blew a stop sign perpendicular to me, and I was going about 40mph.  I will never forget that.  Now, that intersection is totally different and the direction that he was coming from is now blocked.  If I had been even a second faster, I'd be dead.

I'm sure I'm coming off as insensitive but there are stop signs, stop lights, solid lines and traffic laws for a reason!  Now, when I go running, I can't wear earphones and listen to music because I have to be listening for cars coming up behind me.  When I bike, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder.  When my husband bikes anywhere, I make him text me as soon as he arrives and if I don't hear from him in the amount of time I think it should take him to arrive at his destination, I freak out.  I hate that the driving has gotten so scary that I have to worry about these things.

So... for God's sake... please pay attention to the rules of the road.  And if you're a runner, bicyclist or whatever, please take extra care.  You never know who is not going to be paying attention.