Major bloggers block! Sorry!!!!
Hmm okay.. so in order to overcome this block I'm just going to write 50 facts about me that people may not know even if they know me. Yes, 50. I know 50 is a lot, but... it will make my brain stretch a little bit. Which is good for me. So here we go:
1) My birthday is July 24
2) That makes me a Leo
3) My favorite color is... um... black?
4) My favorite food is salad (actually it's Yakisoba but my eating disorder won't let me write that!)
5) My Zumba-versary is March 8
6) I loved the Spice Girls when I was in the 5th grade
7) I am allergic to bananas (but I eat them anyway)
8) My first pet was a blue parakeet named Margalo
9) I have kept journals and diaries since I was 4 years old
10) I have competed in 3 spelling bees
11) I lost all 3 spelling bees but..
12) I am actually pretty good at spelling
13) I can say thank you in 14 languages; English, Spanish, Italian, Papiamentu, Russian, Hebrew, Yiddish, German, Japanese, American Sign Language, Norwegian, Danish, Swedish and French.
14) I can count to three in 10 languages; English, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian, Hebrew, Yiddish, Japanese, American Sign Language, German and French.
15) I can count to ten in 7 languages; English, Spanish, Russian, Hebrew, German, Yiddish and French.
16) I learned to swim when I was 3 years old
17) I hate cilantro and fennel
18) I love cinnamon
19) My first name is actually Katherine
20) My middle name is Ann
21) When I was in 2nd grade, I changed my name to Fester
22) My favorite kind of cookie is snickerdoodle
23) I cannot stand Bikram Yoga
24) I love candles
25) I am phobic of balloons (that's called globophobia)
26) My first CD I ever bought was Hanson (oh god!)
27) I talk to my grandparents when I'm alone, even though they have been dead for years
28) I have seen ghosts
29) It is unclear, but I may be an Indigo Child
30) I can clear my own chakras
31) My hair is naturally blonde
32) I cannot read music
32) I can play piano from memory
33) I once had a bird named Chemistry Head
34) My favorite words are: hiss, snag, hideous, incipient, advantageous and behoove
35) I am not afraid of snakes, bats or tarantulas
36) I love to SCUBA dive
37) I would never ever be hypnotized in public
38) I love airplanes, and I like to fly, BUT
39) I hate to fly airplanes myself (it scares me to death)
40) My least favorite chore is hanging up clothes
41) I wish I had curly hair
42) I have misophonia
43) My favorite movie is Mothman Prophecies
44) I always think anything that smells bad smells like fish
45) I lived in Canada in 2006
46) I met President Obama on my 25th birthday
47) I absolutely love crows
48) I have a loud belly laugh that sometimes startles people in the room with me
49) I like lemon or lime in my ice water
50) I have an extensive collection of tea
So!!! How many of those did you already know? I have to tell you, thinking of 50 little-known facts about yourself is HARD!!!! Okay. Well.. that's a start towards getting over this bloggers block eh?
OMG TOMORROW IS MARCH 1ST!!!! That means Spring is almost here. UGH I hate Spring!! Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew EWWW can't we just skip it?? Lol.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Still Here
I'm around. Just don't have anything to write, really!
Struggling with food. With body image. With too much conflicting pressure.
But that's fine! I'll live! Don't worry. :) Soon I'm sure I'll have something more interesting to blog about.
Hope you're all having a great week!!! xoxo
Struggling with food. With body image. With too much conflicting pressure.
But that's fine! I'll live! Don't worry. :) Soon I'm sure I'll have something more interesting to blog about.
Hope you're all having a great week!!! xoxo
Saturday, February 22, 2014
The Ghost on the Porch
My porch is haunted.
It's been a while since I've done a ghost post (hey, that rhymes!) so here goes!
The neighborhood I live in is basically brand new. It was built in pieces, and I think the first piece was built in 2007 or 2008 at the latest. My area of the neighborhood was built in 2009. I moved in at the beginning of September 2009 and I'm the first person to have lived here.
Before the neighborhood popped up, this land was part of Teufel's Nursery. I don't know what became of that business. Before that, who knows what was here! I'm not aware of any ancient burial grounds beneath the foundations of my building. Nevertheless, my porch appears to be haunted.
I live in a townhouse on the end of a building. My door has a window high up in it. When Corky comes home from work, I can see his forehead through the window of the door as he opens it. He's six feet tall. That's how high up that window is. But height doesn't appear to be an issue for whatever haunts my front porch!
It started several years ago. About 3 years ago maybe. I was sitting on the couch watching TV one night and suddenly I jumped. At that time, the couch was facing perpendicular to the door. I saw someone walk by out the window. I saw their whole head! I didn't see their face in any amount of detail, but I clearly saw curly brown hair and a white hat. It looked like a teenage kid. Leaping up, I ran to the door and flung it open.
Of course nobody was there.
Corky was sitting up on the couch saying, "What's wrong? What?"
"I saw someone!" I told him.
"Who?"
"I have no idea.. and no one is here now."
Needless to say he didn't believe me. Until HE saw it for himself! A few months later, we were again watching TV one evening. I shit you not, we were watching Ghost Hunters on SyFy. Suddenly Corky turned his head and stared at the door. He got up and went and peered out the window. Shaking his head, he returned to the couch.
I was looking at him. "You saw it too, didn't you?"
Corky was unwilling to admit that he had seen someone. He said he THOUGHT he saw SOMETHING but he didn't know what it was.
When we brought home our first French Bulldog puppy, Abigail, in February of 2012, she saw it right away. She would stare at the door and make an "uff" sound, somewhere between a bark and a huff. It happened a couple of times where Abigail and I would see it at the same time. It's always the same - brown hair, white hat, walking right to left and then gone.
In August of 2012, my friend S moved in with us for a few months until he could find a roommate. Soon, he was seeing it too. He jumped once and said, "Someone's at the door!" Corky and I looked at each other.
"You saw him too."
S was alarmed. "Saw who...?"
Oh, nobody. Just the resident ghost! Which makes no sense, because the way the ghost is behaving it seems like a residual haunting. But that is impossible because these buildings weren't here for very long! I guess it could be someone who died recently and for whatever reason likes to walk up the stairs and across our porch into nowhere. But I find that unlikely. Fortunately, it never enters the house.
We had not heard from our ghostly friend in a long time, since early 2013 at least. Until tonight.
Twenty minutes ago, Corky was flaked out on the couch (which is now in a different part of the room) with both Abigail and Jax, our younger Frenchie, on top of the blankets, watching soccer. I was sitting at the table, where I am now, reading a Jodi Picoult Novel. (The Tenth Circle, for anyone who is interested.) Out of the corner of my eye I detected that familiar but almost forgotten movement out of the door window. At the same moment, Jax met the ghost for the first time.
He levitated straight up, hackles raised, stood on the arm of the couch and barked and growled at the door. Corky and I could hardly make him come away! Abigail joined the attack on our ethereal visitor, although I don't think she actually saw him tonight. For several minutes, Jax barked, uff-ed, howled and growled at nobody. Finally he calmed down. Poor little dog!
We have no idea who or what this entity is that appears from time to time. But as long as he stays out there and doesn't come in here, he is welcome to wander our porch whenever he likes!
It's been a while since I've done a ghost post (hey, that rhymes!) so here goes!
The neighborhood I live in is basically brand new. It was built in pieces, and I think the first piece was built in 2007 or 2008 at the latest. My area of the neighborhood was built in 2009. I moved in at the beginning of September 2009 and I'm the first person to have lived here.
Before the neighborhood popped up, this land was part of Teufel's Nursery. I don't know what became of that business. Before that, who knows what was here! I'm not aware of any ancient burial grounds beneath the foundations of my building. Nevertheless, my porch appears to be haunted.
I live in a townhouse on the end of a building. My door has a window high up in it. When Corky comes home from work, I can see his forehead through the window of the door as he opens it. He's six feet tall. That's how high up that window is. But height doesn't appear to be an issue for whatever haunts my front porch!
It started several years ago. About 3 years ago maybe. I was sitting on the couch watching TV one night and suddenly I jumped. At that time, the couch was facing perpendicular to the door. I saw someone walk by out the window. I saw their whole head! I didn't see their face in any amount of detail, but I clearly saw curly brown hair and a white hat. It looked like a teenage kid. Leaping up, I ran to the door and flung it open.
Of course nobody was there.
Corky was sitting up on the couch saying, "What's wrong? What?"
"I saw someone!" I told him.
"Who?"
"I have no idea.. and no one is here now."
Needless to say he didn't believe me. Until HE saw it for himself! A few months later, we were again watching TV one evening. I shit you not, we were watching Ghost Hunters on SyFy. Suddenly Corky turned his head and stared at the door. He got up and went and peered out the window. Shaking his head, he returned to the couch.
I was looking at him. "You saw it too, didn't you?"
Corky was unwilling to admit that he had seen someone. He said he THOUGHT he saw SOMETHING but he didn't know what it was.
When we brought home our first French Bulldog puppy, Abigail, in February of 2012, she saw it right away. She would stare at the door and make an "uff" sound, somewhere between a bark and a huff. It happened a couple of times where Abigail and I would see it at the same time. It's always the same - brown hair, white hat, walking right to left and then gone.
In August of 2012, my friend S moved in with us for a few months until he could find a roommate. Soon, he was seeing it too. He jumped once and said, "Someone's at the door!" Corky and I looked at each other.
"You saw him too."
S was alarmed. "Saw who...?"
Oh, nobody. Just the resident ghost! Which makes no sense, because the way the ghost is behaving it seems like a residual haunting. But that is impossible because these buildings weren't here for very long! I guess it could be someone who died recently and for whatever reason likes to walk up the stairs and across our porch into nowhere. But I find that unlikely. Fortunately, it never enters the house.
We had not heard from our ghostly friend in a long time, since early 2013 at least. Until tonight.
Twenty minutes ago, Corky was flaked out on the couch (which is now in a different part of the room) with both Abigail and Jax, our younger Frenchie, on top of the blankets, watching soccer. I was sitting at the table, where I am now, reading a Jodi Picoult Novel. (The Tenth Circle, for anyone who is interested.) Out of the corner of my eye I detected that familiar but almost forgotten movement out of the door window. At the same moment, Jax met the ghost for the first time.
He levitated straight up, hackles raised, stood on the arm of the couch and barked and growled at the door. Corky and I could hardly make him come away! Abigail joined the attack on our ethereal visitor, although I don't think she actually saw him tonight. For several minutes, Jax barked, uff-ed, howled and growled at nobody. Finally he calmed down. Poor little dog!
We have no idea who or what this entity is that appears from time to time. But as long as he stays out there and doesn't come in here, he is welcome to wander our porch whenever he likes!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Need a Laugh?
How's your day? Boring? It's Wednesday. Here, have a look at these! I can't stop laughing.
In this, a haunted house sets up a camera that takes picture at the most perfect time. It's so funny!!!! I can't even stand it!!!
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/130/A-Haunted-House-Snaps-Photos-At-The-Scariest-Moment-Of-The-Tour-And-I-Can-t-Stop-Laughing
And this!!! Oh this. I laughed so hard I almost peed and my abs hurt all day. Watch at 1:00. It's hysterical! Bless that instructors heart! It actually looks fun, but I know I couldn't do it without cracking up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Rk94ofvOQ4
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!!!! XOXOXO
In this, a haunted house sets up a camera that takes picture at the most perfect time. It's so funny!!!! I can't even stand it!!!
http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/130/A-Haunted-House-Snaps-Photos-At-The-Scariest-Moment-Of-The-Tour-And-I-Can-t-Stop-Laughing
And this!!! Oh this. I laughed so hard I almost peed and my abs hurt all day. Watch at 1:00. It's hysterical! Bless that instructors heart! It actually looks fun, but I know I couldn't do it without cracking up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Rk94ofvOQ4
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!!!!! XOXOXO
Monday, February 17, 2014
Why Can't We All Have Pizza?
This post isn't really about pizza. Not really.
Today, one of my friends ate pizza for lunch. No big deal right? She checked in at Mod Pizza on Facebook. Later, when I was driving to Whole Foods (or Whole Paycheck as it's sometimes referred to) to eat salad with super-safe ground turkey and calorie-free dressing on it for dinner with my dad, I passed a pizza place and remembered my friend eating pizza for lunch. Two immediate thoughts ran through my mind.
1) Pizza sounds WAY better than this salad (although I do like salad, for real) and
2) Why can't we all have pizza for lunch sometimes?
My friend who ate the pizza... she's not fat! She looks FINE! She's slender, even! Beyond that, she is (apparently) happy. I mean, no one's life is perfect, and I know she's got troubles like the rest of us. But she's basically happy. And the fact that she ate pizza for lunch on February 17, 2014? Not even a thing. I would be willing to bet that she didn't think much about it after she ate the last bite and walked out the door. She was probably on to thinking about what time she had to pick up her kid from wherever, or about a text message she needed to send to someone, or about something funny that happened earlier, or about how to save the world!
The pizza happened. She lived.
So why do I feel like I would drop dead on the spot if I ate pizza? Actually.. I think I would want to drop dead on the spot if I ate pizza. The guilt would be so heavy on my shoulders that I might actually leave footprints in the asphalt. I do, for all I know, leave little guilt footprints all over the place, everywhere I go.
The pizza happened. She didn't gain weight instantly.
So why do I feel like I would instantaneously turn into a whale on legs? I know that sounds dramatic but sometimes I perceive I can actually FEEL the fat clinging to my body. I can feel the salt holding water in my skin. I can feel myself expanding like those damn balloons I'm so phobic of. My skin stretches and I swear it makes that rubbery, latex-y creak that balloons make when you touch them (although why anyone would ever voluntarily touch one is beyond me.)
There is no doubt in my rational mind that if I were to eat a piece of pizza tomorrow that I would look exactly the same afterward as I did before, except for the giant anvil of guilt on my shoulders.
What else am I walking around carrying guilt for that I have no business feeling guilty for in the first place? How much shit are we ALL carrying around that we need to drop, right here, right now? It's a scary thought, right? Because if we didn't have all that shit weighing us down we might float away, and that's almost scarier than staying here. Almost. But not quite.
So I am going to write on this blog that I am going to eat pizza. I don't know when. I can't even remember when the last time was! But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to check in on facebook at some pizza place. Just you watch! I know better than to put a deadline on it because things can change in a second. But... I will do it.
Hawaiian pizza, I think, except I only like the pineapples.
(What is your favorite kind of pizza?)
Today, one of my friends ate pizza for lunch. No big deal right? She checked in at Mod Pizza on Facebook. Later, when I was driving to Whole Foods (or Whole Paycheck as it's sometimes referred to) to eat salad with super-safe ground turkey and calorie-free dressing on it for dinner with my dad, I passed a pizza place and remembered my friend eating pizza for lunch. Two immediate thoughts ran through my mind.
1) Pizza sounds WAY better than this salad (although I do like salad, for real) and
2) Why can't we all have pizza for lunch sometimes?
My friend who ate the pizza... she's not fat! She looks FINE! She's slender, even! Beyond that, she is (apparently) happy. I mean, no one's life is perfect, and I know she's got troubles like the rest of us. But she's basically happy. And the fact that she ate pizza for lunch on February 17, 2014? Not even a thing. I would be willing to bet that she didn't think much about it after she ate the last bite and walked out the door. She was probably on to thinking about what time she had to pick up her kid from wherever, or about a text message she needed to send to someone, or about something funny that happened earlier, or about how to save the world!
The pizza happened. She lived.
So why do I feel like I would drop dead on the spot if I ate pizza? Actually.. I think I would want to drop dead on the spot if I ate pizza. The guilt would be so heavy on my shoulders that I might actually leave footprints in the asphalt. I do, for all I know, leave little guilt footprints all over the place, everywhere I go.
The pizza happened. She didn't gain weight instantly.
So why do I feel like I would instantaneously turn into a whale on legs? I know that sounds dramatic but sometimes I perceive I can actually FEEL the fat clinging to my body. I can feel the salt holding water in my skin. I can feel myself expanding like those damn balloons I'm so phobic of. My skin stretches and I swear it makes that rubbery, latex-y creak that balloons make when you touch them (although why anyone would ever voluntarily touch one is beyond me.)
There is no doubt in my rational mind that if I were to eat a piece of pizza tomorrow that I would look exactly the same afterward as I did before, except for the giant anvil of guilt on my shoulders.
What else am I walking around carrying guilt for that I have no business feeling guilty for in the first place? How much shit are we ALL carrying around that we need to drop, right here, right now? It's a scary thought, right? Because if we didn't have all that shit weighing us down we might float away, and that's almost scarier than staying here. Almost. But not quite.
So I am going to write on this blog that I am going to eat pizza. I don't know when. I can't even remember when the last time was! But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to check in on facebook at some pizza place. Just you watch! I know better than to put a deadline on it because things can change in a second. But... I will do it.
Hawaiian pizza, I think, except I only like the pineapples.
(What is your favorite kind of pizza?)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Picture Dump 2.16.14
Some pictures from the last month or two :)
Dilemma.
LOL! This translation.
I want to do this!
THE TRUTH!!!!
oh my word... horrors!!!
My two statues in my room
Jax is the cutest little thing!
Sleepy Abigail
Corky and I made a snowman during winter storm Orion (Feb 6-9 2014)
We named him Gustave.
This will be our house. It's not done yet, obviously! :)
2.11.14
Some winter faves.
happykate collage
Just in case we forgot xo
This crow!
2.14.14
My hair went a little crazy!
2.15.14
Shmuel wasn't so sure about that weird mirror-bird!
LOLOLOL
This morning, pre-Zumba coffee.
2.16.14
Let Me Disappear
Things come and go. Despair is one of those things. Don't worry - I'll be fine! I just have to wait it out. It will pass, it always does.
But right now I just want to disappear. I feel like.... just feel so tired. There are little bright spots all over the place in my life. But I'm just so tired that it swallows them up. Not that I don't appreciate them! And I don't mean to say I'm sad all the time. I'm totally not. Just tired. Tired of thinking, worrying, being stressed, tired of the drama inflicted by others, tired of some people being jerks for no real reason that I can discern.
Sometimes I really just want to STOP!
However, lest you think this post is all doom and gloom, I am going to make a (not complete) list of things I love, in no particular order:
-My husband Corky
-My 2 french bulldogs, Abigail & Jax
-My 4 birds, Bijou, Lyrik, Muma & Shmuel
-My parents and sister
-My Zumba family (you all know who you are!)
-My friends
-Music
-Diet Coke/Coke Zero/Any diet soda (LOL!)
-Black nail polish
-Tattoos
-Crows
-Reading
-Halloween
-Ghost Hunters
-Dancing
-Purple powerade zero
-Pitbull (the singer, but the dogs also)
-Gum
-Airplanes!
See? It's all okay. All good over here.
But right now I just want to disappear. I feel like.... just feel so tired. There are little bright spots all over the place in my life. But I'm just so tired that it swallows them up. Not that I don't appreciate them! And I don't mean to say I'm sad all the time. I'm totally not. Just tired. Tired of thinking, worrying, being stressed, tired of the drama inflicted by others, tired of some people being jerks for no real reason that I can discern.
Sometimes I really just want to STOP!
However, lest you think this post is all doom and gloom, I am going to make a (not complete) list of things I love, in no particular order:
-My husband Corky
-My 2 french bulldogs, Abigail & Jax
-My 4 birds, Bijou, Lyrik, Muma & Shmuel
-My parents and sister
-My Zumba family (you all know who you are!)
-My friends
-Music
-Diet Coke/Coke Zero/Any diet soda (LOL!)
-Black nail polish
-Tattoos
-Crows
-Reading
-Halloween
-Ghost Hunters
-Dancing
-Purple powerade zero
-Pitbull (the singer, but the dogs also)
-Gum
-Airplanes!
See? It's all okay. All good over here.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Diet Plan
This post is difficult to write. The reason being that I keep crying and I can't see the keyboard (thank goodness for all the typing classes in middle school eh?)
I believe I've mentioned in a previous post that I started personal training with my boss at one of my gyms. She teaches Zumba and has been a personal trainer for a long time. She kicks my butt!
Today she gave me the diet plan she's been working on for me. I do not like it.
I have a friend that has been training with her for a few months now. She looks great! But I also watched her struggle with her diet plan, just because it is very repetitive and a lot of protein shakes and meat. Those of you who have known me a while know that I am not great with meat. I'm not vegetarian, I just don't really like it much.
This is how my daily meal plan looks:
Meal 1: Protein smoothie 1 scoop (with frozen berries and a little almond milk and water)
Meal 2: Protein 1 scoop with water
Meal 3: 4 oz chicken in pita bread OR 4 oz turkey on Dave's Killer Bread
Meal 4: Protein 1 scoop with water
Meal 5: Green salad with 4 oz chicken breast, calorie-free dressing.
I have to do this for 4-5 days, and then I get 2 days off.
Considering I have chronic anorexia, my "cheat days" would probably consist of things like oatmeal and apples! Yes that's right.. I can't have any fruit except the berries in my smoothie in the morning. I'm also only allowed to have green, leafy vegetables. No carrots. No tomatoes. No cucumber. I can't have sweet potatoes. I can't have rice cakes. I can't have Greek yogurt.
So why am I crying? Because I already feel so restricted in my food choices because of my eating disorder. I don't want to limit myself any more than I already do. If she tells me "you can't have oatmeal" then I'll never eat it again! It'll just make me even more fearful. I don't know what to do. Is this a bad idea?
***Update: I tallied up the calories in the meal plan and it ranges from 798-813. I understand that the protein energy should make up for the lack of calories, but that's only if I were able to consume that much protein. If I miss one protein shake, that will drop the daily calories to 683-698. If I miss two, that will drop it to 568-573 if I don't supplement it with anything else. HMM!!!!***
I believe I've mentioned in a previous post that I started personal training with my boss at one of my gyms. She teaches Zumba and has been a personal trainer for a long time. She kicks my butt!
Today she gave me the diet plan she's been working on for me. I do not like it.
I have a friend that has been training with her for a few months now. She looks great! But I also watched her struggle with her diet plan, just because it is very repetitive and a lot of protein shakes and meat. Those of you who have known me a while know that I am not great with meat. I'm not vegetarian, I just don't really like it much.
This is how my daily meal plan looks:
Meal 1: Protein smoothie 1 scoop (with frozen berries and a little almond milk and water)
Meal 2: Protein 1 scoop with water
Meal 3: 4 oz chicken in pita bread OR 4 oz turkey on Dave's Killer Bread
Meal 4: Protein 1 scoop with water
Meal 5: Green salad with 4 oz chicken breast, calorie-free dressing.
I have to do this for 4-5 days, and then I get 2 days off.
Considering I have chronic anorexia, my "cheat days" would probably consist of things like oatmeal and apples! Yes that's right.. I can't have any fruit except the berries in my smoothie in the morning. I'm also only allowed to have green, leafy vegetables. No carrots. No tomatoes. No cucumber. I can't have sweet potatoes. I can't have rice cakes. I can't have Greek yogurt.
So why am I crying? Because I already feel so restricted in my food choices because of my eating disorder. I don't want to limit myself any more than I already do. If she tells me "you can't have oatmeal" then I'll never eat it again! It'll just make me even more fearful. I don't know what to do. Is this a bad idea?
***Update: I tallied up the calories in the meal plan and it ranges from 798-813. I understand that the protein energy should make up for the lack of calories, but that's only if I were able to consume that much protein. If I miss one protein shake, that will drop the daily calories to 683-698. If I miss two, that will drop it to 568-573 if I don't supplement it with anything else. HMM!!!!***
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Translate
Here is a fun fact about me: I am VERY good with language. I can speak English and nearly fluent Russian, and make my way around a good amount of Spanish, and even fumble my way through some German and Dutch. I can count to ten in 6 different languages. I can say "thank you" in 15 different languages.
Today, I was at a Zumba party at one of my gyms. A lady at the gym (whom I'm pretty well acquainted with and really like) was walking out afterward, squeezed my arm and said, "bye flaca." I'm almost certain she was unaware that I understood that word. It means "skinny."
It's not that I was offended; I was just surprised! Partly because any unsolicited body comment surprises me, and partly because I don't think of myself as being particularly skinny, especially not lately! But I know that she has no reason to say something to me that isn't true. She wouldn't gain anything by calling me that or not calling me that. Which leads me to believe that she actually thinks I am skinny! And that is hard for me to get my head around.
Weird how I can be having the worst body image ever and get succinctly put in my place.
Today, I was at a Zumba party at one of my gyms. A lady at the gym (whom I'm pretty well acquainted with and really like) was walking out afterward, squeezed my arm and said, "bye flaca." I'm almost certain she was unaware that I understood that word. It means "skinny."
It's not that I was offended; I was just surprised! Partly because any unsolicited body comment surprises me, and partly because I don't think of myself as being particularly skinny, especially not lately! But I know that she has no reason to say something to me that isn't true. She wouldn't gain anything by calling me that or not calling me that. Which leads me to believe that she actually thinks I am skinny! And that is hard for me to get my head around.
Weird how I can be having the worst body image ever and get succinctly put in my place.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Let ED Talk
Every single day, all day long, there is this war raging in my brain. I've alluded to this before. I don't actually hear voices but... it's kind of like that. I almost never let ED talk to me without countering. But damn.. that "voice" is so loud right now. So I am just going to let it talk. This will be in the style of ED talking to me (so therefore "you" means me.) I will warn you: it is a mean voice. It says very awful things. If you are sensitive, in a bad place,
***Trigger Warning (duh.)***
I will warn you: it is a mean voice. It says very awful things. If you are sensitive, in a bad place, or having a tough day, maybe don't read this now. If you have an eating disorder that you're fighting, these words might hit a little close to home. If you've come here to hate, don't bother. Read on at your own risk.
You are a fat, ugly, weak, stupid piece of shit. You don't deserve to call yourself "anorexic." Anyone who sees you would say "you don't look like you have an eating disorder." Or, "you look good, you look healthy, you look fine." Do you know what those words mean? They mean you are FAT! You are lazy. And weak. And dumb. It's your fault. It's ALL your fault! What's your excuse? All you had to do was not eat. But you couldn't even manage that, could you? You just fail at everything.
You don't like how you feel right now, do you? Idiot. I would tell you to make sure it never happens again but I know you're too dumb and it'll happen again. It always does. Oh, you're sorry? You want to beg god or whoever is listening to please please not make you fat? Well, I have news for you. YOU are the only one who can keep you from getting fat. But you're shitty at that. This weekend, this snowstorm, has proved that.
You even have bottles of FAT FIGHTERS you stupid bitch... all you had to do was take one! I don't know how well they work, but it would have been better than nothing, maybe. You are stupid. Dumb. How the hell do you ever expect to do anything right? I only ask ONE thing of you. Just one thing. Don't eat! How hard is that? You're humongous and disgusting and you deserve every second of pain you get from that realization. Maybe it will knock some sense into your empty head before next time.
***Trigger Warning (duh.)***
I will warn you: it is a mean voice. It says very awful things. If you are sensitive, in a bad place, or having a tough day, maybe don't read this now. If you have an eating disorder that you're fighting, these words might hit a little close to home. If you've come here to hate, don't bother. Read on at your own risk.
You are a fat, ugly, weak, stupid piece of shit. You don't deserve to call yourself "anorexic." Anyone who sees you would say "you don't look like you have an eating disorder." Or, "you look good, you look healthy, you look fine." Do you know what those words mean? They mean you are FAT! You are lazy. And weak. And dumb. It's your fault. It's ALL your fault! What's your excuse? All you had to do was not eat. But you couldn't even manage that, could you? You just fail at everything.
You don't like how you feel right now, do you? Idiot. I would tell you to make sure it never happens again but I know you're too dumb and it'll happen again. It always does. Oh, you're sorry? You want to beg god or whoever is listening to please please not make you fat? Well, I have news for you. YOU are the only one who can keep you from getting fat. But you're shitty at that. This weekend, this snowstorm, has proved that.
You even have bottles of FAT FIGHTERS you stupid bitch... all you had to do was take one! I don't know how well they work, but it would have been better than nothing, maybe. You are stupid. Dumb. How the hell do you ever expect to do anything right? I only ask ONE thing of you. Just one thing. Don't eat! How hard is that? You're humongous and disgusting and you deserve every second of pain you get from that realization. Maybe it will knock some sense into your empty head before next time.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Snowed In
Portland, Oregon is experiencing a freak snowstorm in February! I don't think this has ever happened. At least not in my lifetime! We had a huge snowstorm (complete with ice and everything) in 2008, but that was in December I believe. In 2004 we had one also, but that was in January.
So I'm cooped up and of course bored out of my mind. So this post might be a little random and all-over-the-place.
The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen
Okay... let me see if I can tell you about this. It was, I maintain, the funniest thing I've ever seen. In the midst of the aforementioned 2004 snowstorm, my family went to Disneyland. Actually, come to think of it, that snowstorm was in the end of December because we were in Disneyland for New Years. Anyway.
On either New Years Day or January 2nd, we went to Universal Studios (I'm already laughing, by the way, just typing that sentence.) It was a wet and drizzly day, and I was in a bad mood. I was 16 so I was in a bad mood half the time. We had just been at the Jurassic Park ride and, if memory serves, there was a cafe down there too. You accessed it by way of these giant escalators that seemed to go on forever (probably just a few hundred feet.)
You know how at the airport when you drag your suitcase off the escalator, over that metal part, and it goes ZZZZIIIPPPP? On those metal groove things because the grooves are perpendicular to the way you're walking? Well, the grooves on this escalator were parallel to the escalator. Which didn't matter at all until my sister stepped on it.
My dad and I had gone up the escalator and my mom and sister were, as usual, lagging a little. My sister was 7 years old. At the top, my dad and I stood and waited for them. Soon, my mom and sister came into view. They stepped off the escalator, holding hands, and then it happened. My sister slipped, banana peel style. That was funny, but it wasn't the funniest thing. The funniest thing that happened is what happened immediately after she slipped.
Nothing.
Everyone became the Blinkersons except for me. My dad was blinking at my mom and my sister. The people behind them were blinking up at them. My mom was blinking down at my sister. My sister was blinking straight ahead. And me? I fell down laughing. After a second or two, my mom came to her senses and dragged my sister up by the hand. Oh my goodness. I laughed so hard I almost peed. Tears were running down my face and my abs hurt for days! My parents and my sister were chuckling but no one found it as funny as I did. I still laugh when I think about it now.
How is this tied to the snowstorm you might be wondering? Well, I think that one of the reasons I found it as funny as I did is because of a similar thing that happened less than a week before, when we were still home and playing in the random snowstorm.
My sister and I were out sledding down a tiny barkdust hill in the backyard. We had two sleds, one was big and red, and the other was a round disk sled. I was at the top of the little hill, my sister was at the bottom. Her disk sled was in my way.
"Hey, can you move that sled?" I shouted.
She tried to kick it out of the way, missed completely, and ended up falling on her butt. Oh my goodness. I laughed hard about that! That paved the way for The Slip At Universal.
Important Discovery
Yesterday, Corky and I made a discovery: Snowboards make the very best sleds.
There's this big empty field near where we live, and it has sides kind of like a bathtub. Obviously not straight up and down, but pretty steep! In the basin of the field, the snow is like 1.5-2 feet deep. We discovered that if you sit on the snowboard, between the bindings, put your feet on the front and hang on, you will whiz down the hill and then continue going for a good 50-100 feet until you bog down in the deep snow. It's so fun!
So I'm cooped up and of course bored out of my mind. So this post might be a little random and all-over-the-place.
The Funniest Thing I've Ever Seen
Okay... let me see if I can tell you about this. It was, I maintain, the funniest thing I've ever seen. In the midst of the aforementioned 2004 snowstorm, my family went to Disneyland. Actually, come to think of it, that snowstorm was in the end of December because we were in Disneyland for New Years. Anyway.
On either New Years Day or January 2nd, we went to Universal Studios (I'm already laughing, by the way, just typing that sentence.) It was a wet and drizzly day, and I was in a bad mood. I was 16 so I was in a bad mood half the time. We had just been at the Jurassic Park ride and, if memory serves, there was a cafe down there too. You accessed it by way of these giant escalators that seemed to go on forever (probably just a few hundred feet.)
You know how at the airport when you drag your suitcase off the escalator, over that metal part, and it goes ZZZZIIIPPPP? On those metal groove things because the grooves are perpendicular to the way you're walking? Well, the grooves on this escalator were parallel to the escalator. Which didn't matter at all until my sister stepped on it.
My dad and I had gone up the escalator and my mom and sister were, as usual, lagging a little. My sister was 7 years old. At the top, my dad and I stood and waited for them. Soon, my mom and sister came into view. They stepped off the escalator, holding hands, and then it happened. My sister slipped, banana peel style. That was funny, but it wasn't the funniest thing. The funniest thing that happened is what happened immediately after she slipped.
Nothing.
Everyone became the Blinkersons except for me. My dad was blinking at my mom and my sister. The people behind them were blinking up at them. My mom was blinking down at my sister. My sister was blinking straight ahead. And me? I fell down laughing. After a second or two, my mom came to her senses and dragged my sister up by the hand. Oh my goodness. I laughed so hard I almost peed. Tears were running down my face and my abs hurt for days! My parents and my sister were chuckling but no one found it as funny as I did. I still laugh when I think about it now.
How is this tied to the snowstorm you might be wondering? Well, I think that one of the reasons I found it as funny as I did is because of a similar thing that happened less than a week before, when we were still home and playing in the random snowstorm.
My sister and I were out sledding down a tiny barkdust hill in the backyard. We had two sleds, one was big and red, and the other was a round disk sled. I was at the top of the little hill, my sister was at the bottom. Her disk sled was in my way.
"Hey, can you move that sled?" I shouted.
She tried to kick it out of the way, missed completely, and ended up falling on her butt. Oh my goodness. I laughed hard about that! That paved the way for The Slip At Universal.
Important Discovery
Yesterday, Corky and I made a discovery: Snowboards make the very best sleds.
There's this big empty field near where we live, and it has sides kind of like a bathtub. Obviously not straight up and down, but pretty steep! In the basin of the field, the snow is like 1.5-2 feet deep. We discovered that if you sit on the snowboard, between the bindings, put your feet on the front and hang on, you will whiz down the hill and then continue going for a good 50-100 feet until you bog down in the deep snow. It's so fun!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Stimming
A few things worth mentioning before I get to the main topic of this post:
1) It's snowing! Check out my Snow Shenanigans YouTube video Snow Shenanigans here. (Let me know if that link doesn't work or whatever.)
2) Personal Training (see last post) ummmm not so sure. I'll make an entry about that someday soon, I hope.
Okay on to the regular topic now.
Every time my system is assaulted by something I can't stand, my body kind of goes a little crazy. For instance, I can't stand the feeling of pressing my fingertips together. I. Can't. Stand. It. I would rather die than have to press my thumb and first finger together (like the A-OK symbol.) I cannot do it. I just cannot. Sure, there's nothing stopping my fingertips from being physically able to press together. I just can't do it. I'll die.
Same with teeth grinding. If I grind my teeth, I'll die. That sound will kill me. I will throw up, cry, scream and faint all at the same time. I know, I know, I sound like a total drama queen right? But I'm being serious. I will just explode. I'll pop like a balloon. I can't do it. I can't I can't I CAN'T.
Whenever I'm assaulted by things such as either of those (even watching someone press their fingertips together makes me want to throw up) my hands starting going. They snap. Scratch my pants. Flick my fingertips. Tap. Slap the table. Clap together. They just go and go and go.
Last night at dinner, I heard Corky's teeth grind and my stomach rolled and I started rubbing my hands on my jeans over and over and over. This always happens. I just can't stop!
This is called "stimming." I don't have Autism exactly (I have some aspects of it but what does that even mean? I do have Misophonia though) but rather I'm "hypersensitive." Stimming for me is a calming tactic. It's a soothing behavior. My system is being horribly attacked by this sound/sight/feeling and so I repeat an action (snapping, scratching, clapping, tapping, etc.) in order to calm my nervous system down.
The first time Corky saw me do this he thought I'd lost my mind. To be honest, I never really noticed it! It's just something I've always done. It never occurred to me that it was different at all. I never really even thought about it. It's always been apparent to me that my brain works differently than most people's. That's fine. It would be nice if these things bothered me a little less but I guess I wouldn't be ME if they didn't... for the most part (love handles notwithstanding) I like myself just fine the way I am.
1) It's snowing! Check out my Snow Shenanigans YouTube video Snow Shenanigans here. (Let me know if that link doesn't work or whatever.)
2) Personal Training (see last post) ummmm not so sure. I'll make an entry about that someday soon, I hope.
Okay on to the regular topic now.
Every time my system is assaulted by something I can't stand, my body kind of goes a little crazy. For instance, I can't stand the feeling of pressing my fingertips together. I. Can't. Stand. It. I would rather die than have to press my thumb and first finger together (like the A-OK symbol.) I cannot do it. I just cannot. Sure, there's nothing stopping my fingertips from being physically able to press together. I just can't do it. I'll die.
Same with teeth grinding. If I grind my teeth, I'll die. That sound will kill me. I will throw up, cry, scream and faint all at the same time. I know, I know, I sound like a total drama queen right? But I'm being serious. I will just explode. I'll pop like a balloon. I can't do it. I can't I can't I CAN'T.
Whenever I'm assaulted by things such as either of those (even watching someone press their fingertips together makes me want to throw up) my hands starting going. They snap. Scratch my pants. Flick my fingertips. Tap. Slap the table. Clap together. They just go and go and go.
Last night at dinner, I heard Corky's teeth grind and my stomach rolled and I started rubbing my hands on my jeans over and over and over. This always happens. I just can't stop!
This is called "stimming." I don't have Autism exactly (I have some aspects of it but what does that even mean? I do have Misophonia though) but rather I'm "hypersensitive." Stimming for me is a calming tactic. It's a soothing behavior. My system is being horribly attacked by this sound/sight/feeling and so I repeat an action (snapping, scratching, clapping, tapping, etc.) in order to calm my nervous system down.
The first time Corky saw me do this he thought I'd lost my mind. To be honest, I never really noticed it! It's just something I've always done. It never occurred to me that it was different at all. I never really even thought about it. It's always been apparent to me that my brain works differently than most people's. That's fine. It would be nice if these things bothered me a little less but I guess I wouldn't be ME if they didn't... for the most part (love handles notwithstanding) I like myself just fine the way I am.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Personal Training
Hey Happy Wednesday!
So I finally decided to start personal training again. I did it for several years (2006-2009) with my friend F at Sunset Athletic Club. I LOVED IT!!!! So now I'm going to do it again, except it's at Hardcore Training Studio (where I teach Zumba) with Shauna, who is also my boss. :) She's very good, and I'm happy about it. I start today!
However, I'm not too happy about the fact that I have to follow this diet plan. Well.. I'm happy about having a diet plan, just not THAT diet plan.
Sorry. This is making no sense. Let me try again.
So my friend Alena has been training with Shauna for nearly 2 months now. She is looking great - really nice muscle definition and her confidence is increasing and all that. But she has really had trouble with the diet. There's just SO. MUCH. PROTEIN! I don't want to eat that!!! I don't want to drink 4 protein shakes a day. I just can't. First of all, that's like over 400% of daily recommended value (for a 2,000 calorie diet no less, and I don't need that many. Although apparently that's debatable) which is just crazy. Not to mention gross! I have enough trouble getting down 1/2 to 2/3 of a protein shake every day. It's not that they taste bad.. they are actually pretty good. It's just my body is like "nope, no thank you, no more, I'm good." And then I cannot drink anymore. I'm not afraid of it either. My body just decides it has had enough and starts trying to reject it.
So I am going to try to tell Shauna 2 things. 1) I want my measurements to go DOWN not up, except for the number on the scale because I actually don't care about that (glory be!) and 2) that I don't want to exceed my daily recommended value of protein. I'll drink 2 per day, and that's it. Now the question is, how do I say that stuff tactfully? The first one is no problem (although I'm sure she'll refuse) but the second one... she is the expert after all! What do I say?
Last night she and I were talking and she told me that today would be a hectic day for her. I told her, "I promise not to be a difficult client for you tomorrow." She said, "Oh I'm sure you'll be difficult." (ouch!) I said, "what do you mean?" She responded, "well, I'm sure you won't complain about the exercises, but the diet I think will be a challenge with you!" I promised her I would try my very hardest. But she is right! That will be a struggle. But I won't complain to her. If I'm having trouble, I'll just keep trying. What else can I do? Quit? No. That's not my nature. Lol!
In totally unrelated news, my bulldogs went to daycare today for the first time. I miss them!!! I feel like a mom who just sent her kids off to kindergarten. I felt bad for them because they get so bored at home in the wintertime. It's cold and rainy (although today it's just cold!) so I can't take them to the dog park. Our condo is too small for them to really run around in. So Corky went to this place called Muttley Crew, where he knows the owner, and got a discount on a 10-pack of daycare visits for the bully-bums. Jax is just so hyper and needs a place to expend his energy without being constantly reprimanded for running into/over/through things and chewing up cardboard. Poor little dog! He's a teenage boy, ganglyand acne ridden (I kid you not) and just bursting with pent up energy. So I hope they're having fun, although their mama misses them terribly!
So I finally decided to start personal training again. I did it for several years (2006-2009) with my friend F at Sunset Athletic Club. I LOVED IT!!!! So now I'm going to do it again, except it's at Hardcore Training Studio (where I teach Zumba) with Shauna, who is also my boss. :) She's very good, and I'm happy about it. I start today!
However, I'm not too happy about the fact that I have to follow this diet plan. Well.. I'm happy about having a diet plan, just not THAT diet plan.
Sorry. This is making no sense. Let me try again.
So my friend Alena has been training with Shauna for nearly 2 months now. She is looking great - really nice muscle definition and her confidence is increasing and all that. But she has really had trouble with the diet. There's just SO. MUCH. PROTEIN! I don't want to eat that!!! I don't want to drink 4 protein shakes a day. I just can't. First of all, that's like over 400% of daily recommended value (for a 2,000 calorie diet no less, and I don't need that many. Although apparently that's debatable) which is just crazy. Not to mention gross! I have enough trouble getting down 1/2 to 2/3 of a protein shake every day. It's not that they taste bad.. they are actually pretty good. It's just my body is like "nope, no thank you, no more, I'm good." And then I cannot drink anymore. I'm not afraid of it either. My body just decides it has had enough and starts trying to reject it.
So I am going to try to tell Shauna 2 things. 1) I want my measurements to go DOWN not up, except for the number on the scale because I actually don't care about that (glory be!) and 2) that I don't want to exceed my daily recommended value of protein. I'll drink 2 per day, and that's it. Now the question is, how do I say that stuff tactfully? The first one is no problem (although I'm sure she'll refuse) but the second one... she is the expert after all! What do I say?
Last night she and I were talking and she told me that today would be a hectic day for her. I told her, "I promise not to be a difficult client for you tomorrow." She said, "Oh I'm sure you'll be difficult." (ouch!) I said, "what do you mean?" She responded, "well, I'm sure you won't complain about the exercises, but the diet I think will be a challenge with you!" I promised her I would try my very hardest. But she is right! That will be a struggle. But I won't complain to her. If I'm having trouble, I'll just keep trying. What else can I do? Quit? No. That's not my nature. Lol!
In totally unrelated news, my bulldogs went to daycare today for the first time. I miss them!!! I feel like a mom who just sent her kids off to kindergarten. I felt bad for them because they get so bored at home in the wintertime. It's cold and rainy (although today it's just cold!) so I can't take them to the dog park. Our condo is too small for them to really run around in. So Corky went to this place called Muttley Crew, where he knows the owner, and got a discount on a 10-pack of daycare visits for the bully-bums. Jax is just so hyper and needs a place to expend his energy without being constantly reprimanded for running into/over/through things and chewing up cardboard. Poor little dog! He's a teenage boy, ganglyand acne ridden (I kid you not) and just bursting with pent up energy. So I hope they're having fun, although their mama misses them terribly!
Monday, February 3, 2014
L.A. Zumba Conference 2014
Here are the pictures I promised when I posted last! They're mostly in order-ish... I think. My favorite thing that happened at the conference was when Gina Grant (look her up, you won't be sorry you did) was teaching a Burlesque session and someone sneezed while she was breaking down moves for us. She said, "and rock, two, three, four, God bless, six, seven, eight.." I couldn't stop laughing. I have no idea why that was so funny. Probably because I was exhausted. But it was hilarious.
Now, the pictures! Ready, set, GO!
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Now, the pictures! Ready, set, GO!
Thursday, January 30.
Upon arriving at LAX, our little 737 parked next
to this behemoth Delta Airline 747. You can be
sure I was freaking right out!!
Be still, my heart!
Thursday.
The observation deck at LAX. Not sure if it's still used.
On a slight digression, I actually have intact memory of
this observation deck from when I was like six
years old. I remember standing on it.
Thursday.
In the background there was a demo
of a Zumba Step class going on. I actually
captured my friends J and C (the one from
Curacao) in this picture, although I didn't
see C until after I'd already taken it.
Friday, Jan 31.
The hugest banner in the history of mankind.
Friday.
The line for the Zumbawear store was HUGE. I wasn't
even at the front of it! (Lol @ the lady in front there)
Friday.
Walking back to the hotel, I heard turbofan engines.
I looked up and stared in awe at this glorious
sight - a Koren Airline 747. Not too
impressive in the picture, I know.
Friday
This is actually the Burlesque session where Gina
said "God bless" while teaching. Although
that isn't Gina on the screen, it's Betsey
Dopico. :) She's cool too.
Friday.
These next few pictures are of Alena and me doing
our now-traditional picture in the hallway of
our hotel room at the JW Marriott
before the fitness concert. The
first one is obviously blurry.
Why do I look like such an amazon?? sheesh.
Saturday, February 1.
That is Ricardo Marmitte, the African Workout teacher.
He and his brother Michael are from Mauritius and
are so awesome and hilarious!
There are the two of them, Ricardo on the right and
Michael on the left. They had a live DJ, called
DJ Francis, who was on the far right but
you can't really see him because of
the glare.
Saturday.
Saw this on our way to Trader Vic and laughed.
Saturday
Me and a tiki at Trader Vic
Saturday.
Alena and me with our Bellydance instructor,
Portia Lange. She was probably one of
my very favorite instructors of all time!
Okay so I didn't take a ton of pictures this year. To be honest, I was so exhausted half the time that I was like "I should take a picture of that! But then I have to take my bag off my shoulder, put it on the floor, unzip it, find my phone, get to the camera, and take a picture... that's too much work!" And then I wouldn't do it. I did see C three times, but never got a picture with her of course.
Anyway! The conference was awesome. I'm sure that in a few days time, when I've recovered and my muscles aren't quite so fatigued and my brain actually works, that I'll be excited for next year!
I'm home!
I'm home!!! And I'm so exhausted. I don't even know what's going on. I just saw a shadow on the wall from a light fixture and I jumped because I thought it was a bat!
I have some pictures to post (all the same ones that are on facebook and a few more as well) but that's going to have to wait until tomorrow (or today, actually, because it's almost one in the morning.)
But here's the short version: the conference was fun! Most things were better than last year with 3 exceptions. 1) The fitness concert was better last year. 2) This year they did not have conference T-shirts and 3) I don't think I dropped 5lb over the weekend. Other than that, everything was better. Pictures coming soon! XO
I have some pictures to post (all the same ones that are on facebook and a few more as well) but that's going to have to wait until tomorrow (or today, actually, because it's almost one in the morning.)
But here's the short version: the conference was fun! Most things were better than last year with 3 exceptions. 1) The fitness concert was better last year. 2) This year they did not have conference T-shirts and 3) I don't think I dropped 5lb over the weekend. Other than that, everything was better. Pictures coming soon! XO
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