Thursday, October 30, 2014

Never Thought I'd See

I thought I'd never see the day where ONE DAY was all that stood between me and the month of my due date.  My last obstacle before November: Halloween!

For anyone who watches my YouTube channel, I apologize sincerely for the lack of videos the past few weeks.  I intend to make an update/37 week video this weekend!

Today was an absolutely hellish day.  One of those days where little- and medium-sized things happened all day that were stressful or annoying or hard to deal with, and by the end of the day I was bawling on my way home.  Pregnancy hormones, stress and catching every single red light are not a good mix, just in case you didn't know that! ;)

I had an OB appointment this past Monday.  I'll have them weekly now.  The Physician's Assistant I saw checked me for any dilation but there was none.  Alas.  Although I cramped like crazy for the rest of the day, so maybe next time I'm checked it'll put me into labor!  Who knows!  I can hope, right?

Mara is doing fine.  She's currently wiggling and jabbing away at my ribs with her little feet.  On average, babies at 36 weeks (although Mara will actually be 37 weeks on Saturday) are 19-22 inches in length and weigh about 6 lb.  At my 36 week check-up my uterus was measuring 38.  So she's not tiny!  

Aww... remember back when she was the size of a lentil?  #TBT

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

One month, Peanut Butter and PUPPP!

35 weeks 4 days.  Today is exactly one month until my due date.  Or at least it's one month until the due date they gave me, which I'm not entirely certain is correct.  I went to see my Naturopathic doctor this morning and she told me she didn't think I should make a follow-up appointment yet because, as she put it, "This baby is coming sooner rather than later!"

I have no idea when Mara will come, but there are a few things that would make it seem like things are progressing some.  First of all, I've had a HUGE increase in the number of Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having.  They're not painful usually, although sometimes they are bordering on crampy, but they are intense and have even started reaching into the tops of my thighs.  Second of all, Mara has dropped significantly.  My belly now sits on my legs whenever I sit down or drive.

Food... oh food.  My worst nightmare.  I am SO HUNGRY!!!! Not all the time, but often.  I have some days where I don't have much of an appetite (and I love it) but most days I'm hungry.  I've been wanting a lot of peanut butter...................... you all know how I feel about peanut butter!  Peanut butter and I have a love/hate relationship.  Currently it's erring on the side of love.  Not sure what that's about, but I'm not gaining weight at a ridiculously rapid tempo, so I guess I'm okay.  Maybe my body is storing up energy for "D-Day", whenever that may come.

Also... the worst part... I've got PUPPP!  PUPPP stands for Pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy, and it's basically hell.  It's a rash on the abdomen (and sometimes upper thighs) of pregnant women and it is so incredibly, unbelievably, astoundingly, unbearably itchy.  All I want to do is scratch the skin off my belly with fingernails made of sandpaper.  I've been to the OB and he prescribed me a topical steroid cream and a prescription-strength antihistamine.  Unfortunately, the only thing that will make PUPPP go away is not being pregnant anymore.  Fortunately, PUPPP is not harmful to me or to Mara.  It's just ridiculously uncomfortable.

It's a histamine thing, so every time I brush against the affected area of skin, histamines release all over my entire body and I itch everywhere.  The first time I ran my nails gently down over the rash, I broke out in a sweat and started shaking, the histamine release was so overwhelming.  It's like when you have a ton of mosquito bites all over your body, but they don't really itch until you touch ONE and then they all start!  It's terrible.  Worse than chicken pox.

But I'm so incredibly grateful that PUPPP is the only complication I'm having.  Mara's check ups are all great.  She kicks all day long.  My blood pressure has been fine (no more frighteningly low numbers) and my weight gain is also fine.  Next Monday (October 27th) I have my 36 week appointment and get tested for Strep B and probably a cervical check (sorry gross.)  I'm sure that appointment will go fine too.

We're having a rainstorm today.  It's absolutely pouring!!!  Not really a problem except that my wimpy dog Jax refuses to potty in the rain.  So he's currently sleeping under the blanket at my feet and I can hear his little tummy gurgling because he REALLY has to go potty but he hates to get his feet wet.  LOL!  Silly Frenchie.  I love him so much.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Sink or Swim

***Possible trigger warning: I won't give ultimate numbers, but this post is about weight gain.  Just so you know.***

I guess, given that little note above, I'll start by saying.... it's not really that bad.  I'm not a wreck, I'm not a mess, I'm not (really) freaking out.  So these are good things in my opinion.  In case you were wondering how the tone of this post would go, given that it's about weight gain which is my least favorite thing in the universe, the answer is: it'll be fine.  Shouldn't be too triggering but I had to post that because I'm going to give number of pounds gained, but no starting weight or current weight.  Just FYI.

On Thursday of last week, I was talking to someone who has 2 kids now, ages 2 and 3.  She was telling me that for a good amount of her early pregnancy, she didn't want to leave the house.  

"Why not?" I asked.

"Weight gain," she explained.

"Oh..." I said, nodding in an understanding fashion.

Because I do understand!  She did go on to tell me how much weight she gained in the first trimester, and I knew immediately that the amount she had gained in the first trimester was most likely more than I've gained even at 8 months pregnant, but I most certainly did not judge her for that!!!  I'll say again that for me, weight gain judgement pertains only to myself.  I really couldn't care less about anyone else's weight.  So the fact that she was telling me she gained a lot of weight was like... no big deal.  I don't care.  She's my friend and that's what matters.

But regardless of how much weight she gained or I've gained, I do understand what it's like to be embarrassed of your body in pregnancy.  If you read my last post, you'll know that I have gained 20 pounds.  There.  I said it.  I won't tell you where I started or where I am, but I've gained 20 pounds.  Damn... those words are scary and hard to write.  I cried for hours about that number at first.  I didn't know until last Thursday how much I weighed or how much I'd gained.  I thought that was for the best.... but I was wrong!

If you read the "About Me" section on this blog, you'll see where I talk about a treatment place I went to in 2007 that put a lot of weight on me.  THAT WAS HORRIBLE!!!  And here is the reason I cried so much upon learning I'd gained 20 pounds... the number I weigh now is 3 pounds higher than the weight I was when I came out of that program.  Oh my freaking god... that was horrible to realize!  All the trauma, the "food rape" (as I call it), the depression and self-hatred that came about because of that place, it all came rushing back and it was like I was back there again.

But let me tell you an amazing thing that happened.  I looked in the mirror and said the number out loud to myself, over and over, and I stared and stared at my reflection, and I started to realize.... this is different!  Originally I was repeating that number to torture myself because my eating disorder thought I deserved it.  But as I looked at my arms and said it, looked at my legs and said it, looked at my face and said it, looked at my silhouette and said it.. I realized that I've had it wrong all this time.  I thought it was about the NUMBER when I got out of there.  But really it's about how that number came about.

This time, I'm in control.  No one is forcing me to do anything, except for Mara.  No one is making me eat only whole fat dairy products and frying everything and supplementing with Boost and Benecal.  It's just not happening.  The weight that I'm putting on is from different things, in different places, for different reasons and this is my chance to re-write that whole fucking experience.  I can heal from this.  I can grow from this!

I called my mom and cried to her over the phone about it.  She told me, "Kate.. you look nothing like how you looked when you left that place."

This was reassuring, because I didn't think I looked like that either but how can I trust my eyes?

When I found out the number, for a second I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.  But life doesn't stop for things like this.  I had to try to move on.  Even though it felt like a rock tied to my waist, I had to try to tread water anyway because I've got shit to do.  I've got  a baby coming in like a month.  She kicks me hard all day long to remind me that she's there (as if I could forget), that she's coming and that I'd better be ready because she's not going to wait for me!  

Sunday, October 12, 2014

This Was Never About a Choice

After a lengthy text conversation with a close friend on Friday, I have come to the conclusion that I want to definitively document (again, if I already have) how I view this pregnancy.  Don't worry!  It's GOOD.  Also.. **Potential trigger warning: I will talk about weight but I won't say how much I weigh/weighed etc.  But there will be pounds discussed.** 

Okay, so I'm 34 weeks and 1 day.  That's almost 8 months!  10 days from now will be one month until my due date (although the conception date was February 15th so I count the 15th as my month roll-over date, with a 7 day lag until the months-to-go roll over too.)  I have to say, I cannot believe how fast the time has gone.  I feel like I blinked and June, July and August passed.  September was a blur.  Now we're nearly 2 weeks into October and I'm having trouble fathoming the fact that I just typed those words.

So let's talk about that, though.  Because I know for a fact there were people who know me that didn't believe I'd be able to get pregnant in the first place, never mind eat enough to sustain the pregnancy if ever it occurred.  If you are one of those people, don't worry - I don't blame you. ;)  I wasn't sure I could ever get pregnant either, but I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I ever was lucky enough to carry a life inside me that I would never, ever do anything to jeopardize that.

      "Sure," People would say.  "But your eating disorder is so strong, you can't know for sure how you'll react."

This is very true.  My eating disorder was and still IS very strong.  Don't ask me how I knew I'd be able to nourish myself and my growing baby.  I couldn't tell you.  I just knew!  

I fully understand that there are people out there in the world who have lost their fetuses due to malnutrition from their eating disorders.  I am not casting judgement on these people, that's not my place.  To have to listen to that voice day in and day out, ignore it and eat anyway... is HARD TO DO.  I haven't always been in a place in my life where I could have done that.  I am extremely fortunate that the time at which this little miracle came into being that I was in a place where I could do that.

But the thing I want to make very clear is this: in my opinion, what I am doing is neither special nor great, nor is it necessarily even harder than what any other pregnant woman has to go through.  I'm not saying it's easy!  But for me it was never even a choice.  I wanted this, and I love my not-yet-born daughter more than I've ever loved anything in my life!  

My life was going along a path - a train track, let's call it.  Ahead of where I was, another track jutted out from the one I was on.  If I didn't throw the switch and end up on that off-shoot, I'd have continued on just as I was.  As I rushed toward that off-shoot track at 10000 miles per hour, I looked down at what I held in my hands and saw two, small, blue plus signs.  Two positive pregnancy tests.  At the very instant that I saw those plus signs, I realized that the switch had been thrown and I veered violently to the right and was on this new track.  

Everything that lay ahead on the old track vanished.  Everything that lay ahead on the new track became my reality.  All in less than a moment.  I conceptually understood everything that was going to happen for the next however-many months.  This is why I never had an "oh shit" moment.  Moments before I saw those positive tests, I was thinking about how to burn more calories, how many I'd already burned that day, how to lose weight, how to get out of eating, etc.  When I saw those positive tests, all those thoughts instantly went to a different part of my brain.  The  "not-now-I'll-deal-with-you-later" part.  

So when people ask me now, "How do you make the choice every day to eat and not restrict?"  I always answer, "It's never a choice."  It isn't.  It never was!

I've starved myself for years and years because, for whatever reason, I believe I deserve it.  But Mara does NOT deserve it.  (Sure, you could argue that I don't either but we'll save that for another day.)  Mara Soleil is an innocent, pure soul.  How could I do that to her?  How could I do that to her and live with myself?  I've gained 20 pounds in pregnancy, and HELL NO I don't like it.  YES I hate how I look half the time, but the other half of the time I realize it's really not that bad.  Sometimes I cry so hard I can't breathe when I realize what the number on the scale says.  But Mara kicks me hard in the ribs and reminds me why I'm doing this.  It's a number.  She doesn't care about that number, what she cares about is getting the nutrients she needs to grow.  How does she get those nutrients?  From me.  It is all up to me.  Nobody else can do this for her.  How freaking lucky am I?? I am entrusted 100% with this little tiny life and to feel her kicking every day... I DID THAT.  

What I really want to impress upon every single person reading this, no matter where you are in life, whether you're male, female, happy, sad, have an eating disorder, know someone who does, or just randomly found this blog, is this: no matter how hard the thing you face, no matter how scared you may be at the time of facing it, no matter who is telling you that you won't be able to do it, if YOU decide to do the best you can toward this thing, you WILL do the best you can.  I am not going to say "you will do it" because no matter how much of their best a dog gives to breathing underwater, they never will.  But the best you can do is all you can do.  And sometimes things happen that keep success from happening (I could have miscarried back in March or April despite doing everything I was told) but you can't do any more than your best.

If you are like me and have an eating disorder and are wanting to get pregnant but are scared to do so because of the weight gain, the anxiety, etc., let me tell you this: IT IS HARD.  It is terrifying.  But it is possible.  Time passes whether or not it feels like it does.  You will live through it.  And yes... it is absolutely, positively, TOTALLY worth it. :)

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

More Bad Blood

At this point in time I am way too tired to go all the way downstairs, grab my lab workup, come all the way back upstairs and type it all here.  Maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll find the energy and time to do that.  

In the meantime, watch my latest YouTube video for the specifics on my lab results.  Click HERE to watch.

Basically, every single thing that was wrong with my labs last month is either just as wrong still or worse.  Somehow, despite taking a double dose of iron supplement along with vitamin C, doubling my prenatal and DHA and making a conscious effort to eat more protein (and just more in general), I am more anemic than I was a month ago.  My CBC is a hot mess.  And as if that's not enough, my resting blood pressure was a pathetic 68/44.

I got an emergency appointment with my General Practitioner tomorrow.  I'll let you know how that goes.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

33 Weeks

33 weeks... what do I say?  I feel huge, tired, achy, ugly, overwhelmed, anxious and just SO DONE with being pregnant.  (Yes, I know it's only going to get worse over the next 7 weeks.)

But in reality, it's not that bad.  I'm still able to go to the gym 4-5 times per week and do the elliptical for 45 minutes at a stretch.  I still don't take naps during the day, although sometimes I wish I could!  I can still put on my shoes and socks.  It's not easy!  But I can do it.  My weight hasn't skyrocketed.  But most importantly, Mara is doing fine.  She finally flipped head down and dropped!

Last night after I took a shower I stood in front of the mirror, inspecting the purple-ish/pink-ish stretch marks spreading across my belly.  Corky entered the bathroom and looked too.

"Well," I said.  "At least they're a pretty color!"

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The Crazies

I can't remember if I've done a post on my freaking crazy neighbors or not.  If I have, then some of this may be redundant and for that I apologize.  

Our housing development was just built this past year.  Behind it is this complex of condominiums called "Britetree."  That name alone drives me crazy.. do people not know how to spell "bright"??  Apparently they aren't very bright!  But I digress.  My backyard is about 30 feet away from one of the condo buildings.

In the condo on the end of the building, closest to me, lives these 2 people and a dog.  They are The Crazies (yes, that includes the dog.)  It's a guy and his girlfriend, I think, and they are actually crazy.  At least, the woman is.  One day she was in her room (which faces my backyard) with the window wide open and was on the phone and kept changing her accent and her tone of voice.  I don't know anything about Multiple Personality Disorder, so I have no idea if she was doing it on purpose or what, but it was pretty strange!  Her conversation was so disjointed, I wondered if she was actually on the phone with anyone at all or just talking to herself!

She and her boyfriend will argue for hours on end, both inside and outside their house.  I remember one day in early July he was out front working on her car, and she was standing on the doorstep just ripping him a new one for the better part of an afternoon.  Poor guy couldn't get away!  She was yelling at him about "his roommate" who "lives in the next room" and how he stole information off her computer about her father's medications, and stole the key to a file cabinet or something, and was going to use the information to get drugs from the pharmacy.  All of that was odd in the first place because I've never seen anyone but the two of them coming in and out of that house.  Her boyfriend, for his part, didn't seem to know who she was talking about either!

Not that he's totally innocent in all of this.  I'm not trying to be a busybody, but when they have public arguments less than 40 feet from my back door, I can hear every word (and wish I couldn't.)  He's kicked her out at least twice since I've lived here, and each time he takes her back.  He engages in her fights, even at 3 o'clock in the morning, and eggs her on sometimes.  He doesn't seem to be quite as off his rocker as she is, but there must be something going on with him because why else would he stay with her?  Three times over the course of the past Spring and Summer, I've been awakened by their fighting at all hours of the night.  They are lucky I am almost always out of eggs... I would totally "waste" a dozen on their house.  Except I use egg whites from a carton most of the time, and that wouldn't quite have the same effect, I think.

The cops have been called.  They actually know her by name.

And let's not forget the dog.  It's a min-pin/chihuahua mix.... and it escapes roughly three times per week and chases people all around the condo complex, barking it's little head off.  Once it even got through the fence into my neighborhood and ran around barking until someone finally caught it and tossed it back into the Britetree complex.

Sunday night the dog was out barking ALL NIGHT LONG.  I had heard it earlier in the evening, probably around 8 or 9, and then I left the house.  When I came back at around 10:45, it was still outside barking.  And it just never stopped.  The cops came THREE TIMES that night because of this dog.  Each time, they pounded on the Crazies' door for five minutes.  Receiving no answer, they searched around the building.  Finding nothing, they left.  I didn't sleep that night.

So today, about 30 minutes ago, I was out in the backyard with Abby and Jax, trying to get them to potty.  The Crazies were up in their room, with the window open, arguing (surprise!)  The lady came to the window, saw me in my backyard and yelled at me,

"HEY!  It sucks you're pregnant.  Hope you're fucking married!"

I didn't answer her, just held my hand up so she could see my ring gleaming in the October sun.  You can be sure I was absolutely livid.

She continued harassing me until I went inside.  Now, their dog is outside barking again.  I think the Crazies might have left, but I'm not sure.

What am I going to do??  Clearly the cops don't care to uphold the Noise Ordinance of Washington County, Oregon.  Both the Crazies AND their dog have been in violation of this so many times it's not even funny.  If I can't count on the police, who can I count on?  I can file a complaint for the noise... but is it even going to do any good?  

And I really don't want to raise Mara around this!

Speaking of Mara, I had my OB appointment on Monday, September 29th.  Everything was fine.  I gained 1 pound in two weeks (sigh.)  51 days until my due date!!!!!