Friday, December 27, 2013
She's Got The Biggest Heart
Good grief am I nostalgic these days or what!! I have no idea what that's about but... my brain is being flooded with these memories! So I am going to share them with you as they come to me, the interesting ones anyway.
When I was in the 8th grade, I met my friend K. I just posted about her a few weeks back because she had a baby (cute little thing, now like 3 weeks old.) Anyway, we remained best friends through all of 8th grade and all of high school. She is still one of my best friends, although I haven't seen her since 2009.
Recently, her mom posted a picture on facebook of K and her baby daughter asleep together in a chair. Such a cute picture! Someone commented on it something like, "wow she's a mom!" and K's mom responded "and a very good one too!" And then I was smacked in the face with this memory:
In early Spring of 2002 (I believe) my phone rang at home one day after school. It was K, and she was sobbing hysterically.
Me: What's wrong??
K: (unintelligible crying)
Me: Calm down and tell me what's wrong! I can't understand you.
K: Oh my God it's so sad....
Me: WHAT???
K: There's a cat... in the road... Kate, it's just laying there!
Me: Is it dead?
K: (wailing) Yes! I was walking from the bus and I saw it get hit and now it's just.... laying there! I have to help it!
Me: I'll be right over!
So I told my mom there was an emergency and I had to go to K's RIGHT NOW! My mom drove me over. I ran up to K's third floor apartment and knocked, but she wasn't there. I looked over the porch and down to the street and saw K on the sidewalk, waiting for cars to stop coming so she could run to the lifeless gray mound of fur in the middle of Laidlaw Rd. "K!!!" I shouted. "Stop! What are you going to pick it up with??" She heard me, and came upstairs.
We went into her house and tried to think of what to do. Obviously the cat was dead. We couldn't save its' life. But it seemed wrong to just leave it in the road to decay. K had a cat at the time and the thought of that having been her cat was just too much to bear. "If it were my cat," K said, "I would want someone to tell me." So we got a trash bag (unceremonious, I know, but it was all we could come up with) and went out and peeled the cat off the pavement.
We wanted to bury it but we didn't have a shovel, nor was there anywhere to bury the poor thing. So we took the dark green collar off the cat's neck, tied the end of the bag off, said a quick prayer for the cat's soul, and placed it in the dumpster. Neither of us felt as though that was quite the right thing to do, but it was really the best we could do at the time.
Much to our dismay, the tag on the cat's collar only said a name (which I can't remember now) and no address or phone number. Clearly this was someone's pet, someone's baby... we had to find it's owners. So for the next hour and a half, K and I went from door to door in her apartment complex, in the February rain, trying to find this poor cat's family.
We were about to give up when a lady in jeans and a sweater, with blondish hair and glasses opened the door. "Are you missing a cat?" I said. "Yes," the lady answered. K said, "Is it gray?" The lady nodded. "Oh God," K covered her mouth and turned away. "Is he gone?" The lady pursed her lips, knowing what I was going to say. "Yes," I said, holding up his collar. "We found him.... I'm so sorry." The lady's eyes immediately filled with tears and she breathed in really deeply. "Thank you," she said, but her voice shook a lot. She took the collar from my hand and closed the door. We weren't offended, we understood that she didn't want to cry a bunch in front of two fifteen-year-old kids at her doorstep. K and I walked back to her apartment, holding hands (Not romantically of course. We were the kind of besties who were very tactile. Always hugging, linking arms, holding hands, etc. even if it was "uncool" to do in the 10th grade.)
I remember the exchange at the woman's door so vividly. I'll never forget the look on her face when she figured out why we were there, even before we told her the reality. She didn't ask where the cat was, and we didn't tell her. I mean, how do you tell someone you threw their cat in the dumpster in a plastic bag? It was just as well anyway, it's better she remember the cat how he looked when he was alive. The way he looked at that time was not a lovely sight.
The thing that I remember the most, however, was that I was so not surprised by K's reaction to the cat. She's got the biggest heart. She loves very immensely. K is not someone who holds grudges forever (unlike me.) Any animal is immediately "the cutest thing ever." She loves children. From the moment she told me she was pregnant, I knew this child was in for a really great life. Whatever happens in this little girl's life, K will be by her side. I know I can learn a lot from K. I already have.
When I was in the 8th grade, I met my friend K. I just posted about her a few weeks back because she had a baby (cute little thing, now like 3 weeks old.) Anyway, we remained best friends through all of 8th grade and all of high school. She is still one of my best friends, although I haven't seen her since 2009.
Recently, her mom posted a picture on facebook of K and her baby daughter asleep together in a chair. Such a cute picture! Someone commented on it something like, "wow she's a mom!" and K's mom responded "and a very good one too!" And then I was smacked in the face with this memory:
In early Spring of 2002 (I believe) my phone rang at home one day after school. It was K, and she was sobbing hysterically.
Me: What's wrong??
K: (unintelligible crying)
Me: Calm down and tell me what's wrong! I can't understand you.
K: Oh my God it's so sad....
Me: WHAT???
K: There's a cat... in the road... Kate, it's just laying there!
Me: Is it dead?
K: (wailing) Yes! I was walking from the bus and I saw it get hit and now it's just.... laying there! I have to help it!
Me: I'll be right over!
So I told my mom there was an emergency and I had to go to K's RIGHT NOW! My mom drove me over. I ran up to K's third floor apartment and knocked, but she wasn't there. I looked over the porch and down to the street and saw K on the sidewalk, waiting for cars to stop coming so she could run to the lifeless gray mound of fur in the middle of Laidlaw Rd. "K!!!" I shouted. "Stop! What are you going to pick it up with??" She heard me, and came upstairs.
We went into her house and tried to think of what to do. Obviously the cat was dead. We couldn't save its' life. But it seemed wrong to just leave it in the road to decay. K had a cat at the time and the thought of that having been her cat was just too much to bear. "If it were my cat," K said, "I would want someone to tell me." So we got a trash bag (unceremonious, I know, but it was all we could come up with) and went out and peeled the cat off the pavement.
We wanted to bury it but we didn't have a shovel, nor was there anywhere to bury the poor thing. So we took the dark green collar off the cat's neck, tied the end of the bag off, said a quick prayer for the cat's soul, and placed it in the dumpster. Neither of us felt as though that was quite the right thing to do, but it was really the best we could do at the time.
Much to our dismay, the tag on the cat's collar only said a name (which I can't remember now) and no address or phone number. Clearly this was someone's pet, someone's baby... we had to find it's owners. So for the next hour and a half, K and I went from door to door in her apartment complex, in the February rain, trying to find this poor cat's family.
We were about to give up when a lady in jeans and a sweater, with blondish hair and glasses opened the door. "Are you missing a cat?" I said. "Yes," the lady answered. K said, "Is it gray?" The lady nodded. "Oh God," K covered her mouth and turned away. "Is he gone?" The lady pursed her lips, knowing what I was going to say. "Yes," I said, holding up his collar. "We found him.... I'm so sorry." The lady's eyes immediately filled with tears and she breathed in really deeply. "Thank you," she said, but her voice shook a lot. She took the collar from my hand and closed the door. We weren't offended, we understood that she didn't want to cry a bunch in front of two fifteen-year-old kids at her doorstep. K and I walked back to her apartment, holding hands (Not romantically of course. We were the kind of besties who were very tactile. Always hugging, linking arms, holding hands, etc. even if it was "uncool" to do in the 10th grade.)
I remember the exchange at the woman's door so vividly. I'll never forget the look on her face when she figured out why we were there, even before we told her the reality. She didn't ask where the cat was, and we didn't tell her. I mean, how do you tell someone you threw their cat in the dumpster in a plastic bag? It was just as well anyway, it's better she remember the cat how he looked when he was alive. The way he looked at that time was not a lovely sight.
The thing that I remember the most, however, was that I was so not surprised by K's reaction to the cat. She's got the biggest heart. She loves very immensely. K is not someone who holds grudges forever (unlike me.) Any animal is immediately "the cutest thing ever." She loves children. From the moment she told me she was pregnant, I knew this child was in for a really great life. Whatever happens in this little girl's life, K will be by her side. I know I can learn a lot from K. I already have.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Christmas Memories
Merry Christmas!!
I know, I know, Christmas Eve isn't until tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll have a chance to post again until after Christmas, so I'm wishing a Merry Christmas now to everyone who celebrates it. I find it kind of funny that I consider myself mainly Jewish but I didn't really do a Hanukkah post this year. I didn't do one last year either, but in my defense I started the blog only in December 2012 so.... I hadn't really gotten the hang of it yet. ;)
This post is going to be a bunch of Christmas related memories. Just random rambling, probably! I'll do it in red and green to be festive. They won't be in any order, but I'll put the year (or the approximate year) at the beginning of each memory. To anyone who actually reads this, enjoy! Lol.
Year: 1995
My family has always celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas, but we didn't ever have a Christmas tree until this year. I was at my friend Amanda's house about two weeks before Christmas and she had gotten this new, gorgeous nightgown and little silky housecoat combo. She said to me, "think how pretty I'll come down and sit by the Christmas tree." Oh how badly I wanted that nightgown and a tree to sit beside!!! I knew I'd never get a nightgown like that (only Amanda could get such pretty things) but, I thought to myself, I could at least wear my best pajamas and sit by a tree! Except... I didn't have a tree. I asked my parents that night for a Christmas tree, and the next night, and the night after that. They said no. But they finally gave in when the found me putting construction-paper Christmas lights and ornaments on a lamp in the living room. I even taped a star to the top! We got our first tree that following weekend.
Year: 2001
My mom's mom (Grandma Moller) used to come visit us at Christmas. I remember the Christmas of my 8th grade year, coming down into the kitchen with my best friend at the time, April, and seeing my mom and my Grandma making lefse (pronounced LEFF-seh), a norwegian pancake-type thing. They were making it to take to the giant family Christmas party that my mom's cousins put on every year here in Portland. You can put lots of different things on lefse, or just eat it plain. It's made out of potatoes, and it kind of looks like a tortilla but it's much sweeter. My mom and Grandma put either butter and sugar or butter and cinnamon sugar. It was so good.
Year: 1999
I don't remember many presents I got as a kid, but I do remember getting a few interesting gifts my 6th grade year. I was pretty tomboyish as a kid, and didn't want "girly" toys, but I wasn't quite ready to be happy about receiving clothes for Christmas! So I told my parents I wanted "boy toys that girls could like too." Yikes!!! My poor parents! But they did a really good job. They got me a bunch of Legos and two Transformers action figures. I remember building castles and forts for my action figures out of the Legos. I loved it! My sister, who was 2 years old then, got several new books on potty training, which I thought was hilarious.
Year: 1991
Every year, my mom's friend Bonnie has this Christmas party at her house. My mom and Bonnie played (and still play, actually) soccer together, so a bunch of their teammates and their families, as well as some neighbors, would come to Bonnie's house to celebrate the holiday. It still happens, actually, I was just there on Saturday night. It's a potluck style thing, and Bonnie always has stuff for the kids to make gingerbread houses. I remember being 4 years old and eating ice cream with my dad. It was late for me, probably about 8:30pm. I had told my parents I wanted to stay for the dessert part, but they said no because I had to go to bed. So I told them to bring my pajamas and I'd change at Bonnie's, eat dessert and then go home. We have a picture of my dad and me eating ice cream that night, me in my pink pajamas. :)
I know, I know, Christmas Eve isn't until tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll have a chance to post again until after Christmas, so I'm wishing a Merry Christmas now to everyone who celebrates it. I find it kind of funny that I consider myself mainly Jewish but I didn't really do a Hanukkah post this year. I didn't do one last year either, but in my defense I started the blog only in December 2012 so.... I hadn't really gotten the hang of it yet. ;)
This post is going to be a bunch of Christmas related memories. Just random rambling, probably! I'll do it in red and green to be festive. They won't be in any order, but I'll put the year (or the approximate year) at the beginning of each memory. To anyone who actually reads this, enjoy! Lol.
Year: 1995
My family has always celebrated both Hanukkah and Christmas, but we didn't ever have a Christmas tree until this year. I was at my friend Amanda's house about two weeks before Christmas and she had gotten this new, gorgeous nightgown and little silky housecoat combo. She said to me, "think how pretty I'll come down and sit by the Christmas tree." Oh how badly I wanted that nightgown and a tree to sit beside!!! I knew I'd never get a nightgown like that (only Amanda could get such pretty things) but, I thought to myself, I could at least wear my best pajamas and sit by a tree! Except... I didn't have a tree. I asked my parents that night for a Christmas tree, and the next night, and the night after that. They said no. But they finally gave in when the found me putting construction-paper Christmas lights and ornaments on a lamp in the living room. I even taped a star to the top! We got our first tree that following weekend.
Year: 2001
My mom's mom (Grandma Moller) used to come visit us at Christmas. I remember the Christmas of my 8th grade year, coming down into the kitchen with my best friend at the time, April, and seeing my mom and my Grandma making lefse (pronounced LEFF-seh), a norwegian pancake-type thing. They were making it to take to the giant family Christmas party that my mom's cousins put on every year here in Portland. You can put lots of different things on lefse, or just eat it plain. It's made out of potatoes, and it kind of looks like a tortilla but it's much sweeter. My mom and Grandma put either butter and sugar or butter and cinnamon sugar. It was so good.
Year: 1999
I don't remember many presents I got as a kid, but I do remember getting a few interesting gifts my 6th grade year. I was pretty tomboyish as a kid, and didn't want "girly" toys, but I wasn't quite ready to be happy about receiving clothes for Christmas! So I told my parents I wanted "boy toys that girls could like too." Yikes!!! My poor parents! But they did a really good job. They got me a bunch of Legos and two Transformers action figures. I remember building castles and forts for my action figures out of the Legos. I loved it! My sister, who was 2 years old then, got several new books on potty training, which I thought was hilarious.
Year: 1991
Every year, my mom's friend Bonnie has this Christmas party at her house. My mom and Bonnie played (and still play, actually) soccer together, so a bunch of their teammates and their families, as well as some neighbors, would come to Bonnie's house to celebrate the holiday. It still happens, actually, I was just there on Saturday night. It's a potluck style thing, and Bonnie always has stuff for the kids to make gingerbread houses. I remember being 4 years old and eating ice cream with my dad. It was late for me, probably about 8:30pm. I had told my parents I wanted to stay for the dessert part, but they said no because I had to go to bed. So I told them to bring my pajamas and I'd change at Bonnie's, eat dessert and then go home. We have a picture of my dad and me eating ice cream that night, me in my pink pajamas. :)
Year: 2012
Last Christmas, my mom and I went to visit my Grandma. There's actually a post or two about that trip on this blog (Archives: Dec 2012. South Dakota.) It was the first time I ever went to church on Christmas Eve (that I can remember) and really heard the whole story of Christmas. I was surprised at how little sense the whole story made to me! But I still like Christmas and the traditions that come with it. I like how it feels. I love giving to others and how that makes me feel. I loved watching my Grandma open presents. She's adorable!!!
Grandma loves her presents!
Year: 2013
So I know Christmas hasn't happened this year, but I wanted to share one of my favorite memories from the holiday season so far. My Zumba friend, S, really wanted to get home to see her family for Christmas. But they live in New Jersey and it was going to be pretty expensive for her to get there, not to mention she'd need to find people to cover her classes for her, people to take care of her pets... etc. Well, one of her friends/zumba students had a conversation with S about this and realized how much she wanted to go home for the holiday. So the friend, (Y), set up a GoFundMe page to get S home for Christmas. The goal was $1500. The site was passed around privately through facebook and email. The goal was met. Actually, it was exceeded. And today, Dec 23, 2013, S and her boyfriend T boarded an eastbound jet and she will spend Christmas with her family for the first time in years. S is one of the nicest people I've ever met! I can't think of anyone more deserving of this gift than her.
Have I mentioned that she's supercool???
Friday, December 20, 2013
Accept This Ability
Over the past 6-8 months it has become overtly obvious to me that there is something very different about how my body and brain react to certain things. I've always known I was weird (lol) but this is different. It is difficult for me to explain what I mean, so I am just going to give you a little anecdote that hopefully will explain for me. (Note: If you look back a few posts at one I wrote a few weeks ago called "Snow White," you will see that I've already actually written this story out for you. But I'm going to write it again here in case you don't want to go look it up and haven't read it before.)
A few weeks back, my friend Alena and I went to our friend's Zumba class. We'll just call this friend "Jane" (because it doesn't matter who it was, this happens to me all the time with a million different people.) Alena and I were about 10 minutes late to Jane's class. It was a pretty big class, probably between 30 and 40 people. We hadn't been in there more than about 20 seconds when I said to Alena, "Something is wrong with Jane. I don't know what it is. She just feels wrong. I don't know what's wrong with her, but something is wrong." The room felt weird. And I just knew, somewhere inside my brain/heart that it was something the matter with Jane. She was acting as she always does, dancing all over the place, whooping and hollering like usual, a smile on her face. But she didn't feel right to me. After class, she told me in conversation that she was getting sick and that her heel was really hurting her.
How did I know? I have no idea. But here is my best guess on the topic (and I apologize if this is all over the place or makes no sense, I didn't exactly write a rough draft of this post lol!)
I think of it like this: When you have a headache or your knee hurts or your heart is broken or whatever... it messes up the energy around your body. Like an aura kind of? You know how electronic stuff emits EMF? Well I think our body emits some kind of energy. Maybe like electricity? I am not sure. But imagine a bubble around your body... you know how the "surface" of bubbles appear as though they are moving? Well I believe the energy around our bodies, physically, moves like that. It flows. Up and down, in and out, around and around. Like a river. If you throw a giant boulder in that river, the "flow" changes. So if you have a headache, there's a boulder in the "river" by your head. Do you see?
So "Jane" had two boulders: her heel and her sinuses or whatever it was.
Then I entered the room. I imagine it like this: I have all these little energy arms all over me. Not REAL arms.. like little arms made of energy. My energetic self is blind to sight. But those arms can reach out and touch. Like reading braille. Sorry, this is sounding really creepy but bear with me! My energy "sensors" reached out and felt the room. They blindly felt all over the room right away and "felt" Jane's energy boulders. They "felt" her energy disrupted. Perhaps Jane projects more or differently than others so I could feel it more easily, but that's how it seems. The sensors can't identify what the problem was, because I'm not trained to do that (although some people can) but they could identify that there was a problem and who had the problem. I had to verbally ask her what was wrong, but I already knew that something was wrong. Does that make sense at all??? Man I sound like a crazy person.
This is something I've been able to do all my life. I can remember being about 9 years old and being in the Jewish Community Center (I have always hated that building) at Hanukkah time with my dad and having the following exchange:
Me: Dad.... I want to go home.
Dad: Services aren't over for another hour. Why do you want to leave?
Me: I don't like how it feels in here.
Dad: Oh.. are you cold?
Me: No...
Dad: Are you too hot?
Me: No...
Dad: Then what's wrong?
Me: I don't know.. my stomach hurts. I don't like it here.
Dad: Maybe you should try going to the bathroom?
Me: No.. it's not that. This building makes my stomach hurt.
My dad, bless his heart, tried his damnedest to understand what I was saying. I couldn't explain to him that it was the atmosphere in the building that made my stomach hurt. It was something energetic. It felt like a huge black hole opened up in the pit of my stomach, below my bellybutton. I still get that feeling today in that building. It feels like my whole body is falling out that black hole. I don't mean like pooping, LOL! I mean like.. my soul is falling out? I don't know what I mean. Something is just very wrong there. And some other buildings too. I used to think they were haunted, but now I don't think that's the case. It's something different that I can't explain. Something not right.
Now, when I went to Jane's class and felt that something was wrong, I did not get that stomachache. I felt fine. It was just this immense conviction somewhere in my body that something was wrong with Jane. I was as sure about that as I've ever been about anything before. And I was right.
So now... I have begun to accept this ability. Over the last year or so, I've been working with someone on it. To understand it. To figure out how to use it. To figure out how to protect myself from that black hole. Learning to find and clear my own chakras. Understanding why things affect me so differently. I used to just write this stuff off as coincidences. But I can't do that now. I just need to learn how to harness it, or fine tune it. I'm like a baby crashing around because I have this ability that isn't developed at all! So I'm working on it.
I will let you know how this goes :)
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!! :D :D :D
A few weeks back, my friend Alena and I went to our friend's Zumba class. We'll just call this friend "Jane" (because it doesn't matter who it was, this happens to me all the time with a million different people.) Alena and I were about 10 minutes late to Jane's class. It was a pretty big class, probably between 30 and 40 people. We hadn't been in there more than about 20 seconds when I said to Alena, "Something is wrong with Jane. I don't know what it is. She just feels wrong. I don't know what's wrong with her, but something is wrong." The room felt weird. And I just knew, somewhere inside my brain/heart that it was something the matter with Jane. She was acting as she always does, dancing all over the place, whooping and hollering like usual, a smile on her face. But she didn't feel right to me. After class, she told me in conversation that she was getting sick and that her heel was really hurting her.
How did I know? I have no idea. But here is my best guess on the topic (and I apologize if this is all over the place or makes no sense, I didn't exactly write a rough draft of this post lol!)
I think of it like this: When you have a headache or your knee hurts or your heart is broken or whatever... it messes up the energy around your body. Like an aura kind of? You know how electronic stuff emits EMF? Well I think our body emits some kind of energy. Maybe like electricity? I am not sure. But imagine a bubble around your body... you know how the "surface" of bubbles appear as though they are moving? Well I believe the energy around our bodies, physically, moves like that. It flows. Up and down, in and out, around and around. Like a river. If you throw a giant boulder in that river, the "flow" changes. So if you have a headache, there's a boulder in the "river" by your head. Do you see?
So "Jane" had two boulders: her heel and her sinuses or whatever it was.
Then I entered the room. I imagine it like this: I have all these little energy arms all over me. Not REAL arms.. like little arms made of energy. My energetic self is blind to sight. But those arms can reach out and touch. Like reading braille. Sorry, this is sounding really creepy but bear with me! My energy "sensors" reached out and felt the room. They blindly felt all over the room right away and "felt" Jane's energy boulders. They "felt" her energy disrupted. Perhaps Jane projects more or differently than others so I could feel it more easily, but that's how it seems. The sensors can't identify what the problem was, because I'm not trained to do that (although some people can) but they could identify that there was a problem and who had the problem. I had to verbally ask her what was wrong, but I already knew that something was wrong. Does that make sense at all??? Man I sound like a crazy person.
This is something I've been able to do all my life. I can remember being about 9 years old and being in the Jewish Community Center (I have always hated that building) at Hanukkah time with my dad and having the following exchange:
Me: Dad.... I want to go home.
Dad: Services aren't over for another hour. Why do you want to leave?
Me: I don't like how it feels in here.
Dad: Oh.. are you cold?
Me: No...
Dad: Are you too hot?
Me: No...
Dad: Then what's wrong?
Me: I don't know.. my stomach hurts. I don't like it here.
Dad: Maybe you should try going to the bathroom?
Me: No.. it's not that. This building makes my stomach hurt.
My dad, bless his heart, tried his damnedest to understand what I was saying. I couldn't explain to him that it was the atmosphere in the building that made my stomach hurt. It was something energetic. It felt like a huge black hole opened up in the pit of my stomach, below my bellybutton. I still get that feeling today in that building. It feels like my whole body is falling out that black hole. I don't mean like pooping, LOL! I mean like.. my soul is falling out? I don't know what I mean. Something is just very wrong there. And some other buildings too. I used to think they were haunted, but now I don't think that's the case. It's something different that I can't explain. Something not right.
Now, when I went to Jane's class and felt that something was wrong, I did not get that stomachache. I felt fine. It was just this immense conviction somewhere in my body that something was wrong with Jane. I was as sure about that as I've ever been about anything before. And I was right.
So now... I have begun to accept this ability. Over the last year or so, I've been working with someone on it. To understand it. To figure out how to use it. To figure out how to protect myself from that black hole. Learning to find and clear my own chakras. Understanding why things affect me so differently. I used to just write this stuff off as coincidences. But I can't do that now. I just need to learn how to harness it, or fine tune it. I'm like a baby crashing around because I have this ability that isn't developed at all! So I'm working on it.
I will let you know how this goes :)
HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!! :D :D :D
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Another Random Survey
So when I don't know what to blog about.... I sometimes do these surveys instead.... :)
Whats your middle name? Ann
How big is your bed? California King... be jealous!
What are you listening to right now? The sound of the TV commercials
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? Not going to say :D
What was the last thing you ate? Coke Zero
Last person you hugged? My mom.
How is the weather right now? Foggy!
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My dad.
What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex? Overall appearance. Unless you meet someone online, anyone who says that isn't the first thing they notice is lying. Or blind.
Favorite type of Food. Hmm.... noodles I guess.
Do you want children? Yes
Do you drink? No.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? Never ever.
Hair color? Naturally blonde, but brown right now.
Eye colour? Blue/Gray/Green
Do you wear contacts/glasses? No
Favorite holiday? Halloween
Favorite Season? Fall
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? Yes.
Last Movie you Watched? Captain Phillips
What books are you reading? Storyteller by Jodi Picoult
Piercings? My ears (twice) and my bellybutton
Favorite Movie? Mothman Prophecies
Favorite college football Team? Oregon Ducks
What were you doing before filling this out? Drinking Coke Zero
Any pets? 4 birds, 2 dogs and 1 snake
Dogs or cats? Dogs. I hate cats!
Favorite Flower? Dandelion :)
Have you ever loved someone? Yes, my husband.
Who would you like to see right now? Myself skinnier.
Have you ever fired a gun? No.
Do you like to travel by plane? Yes!!!
Right-handed or Left-handed? Both. Mostly right, but I use my left for driving, pouring milk, and bowling.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go? South Dakota to see my Grandma for Christmas.
Are you missing someone? Yes... my grandparents, all 4 of them (1 is alive.)
Do you have a tattoo? Yes, 5.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? No!
Are you hiding something from someone? Maybe.
ARE YOU 18? No, I was 18 8 years ago. (omg.)
WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? My dog with his teeth snagged on his lips.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? There is no such thing as enough sleep!
FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING? "I really don't want to wake up now!"
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE? My phone, my phone charger, my lotion and some picture frames.
GRILLED OR FRIED? Grilled. Not even a question.
WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? EVERYTHING!
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No.
FAVORITE HANGOUT? Zumba classes.
3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? things? My phone, my car and my job.
FAVORITE SONG? Follow the Leader.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Balloons and gaining weight.
ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? Both? Although my husband says I give too much. I think there's no such thing as giving too much. If you can give, you should.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? My husband calls me "stinky." My dad calls me "dear."
WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME? He actually doesn't have one. Although I tried to convince him it should be Nathan (his dad's name)
WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME? Louise.
STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING? A jet, to get out of there.
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? The one for some kind of ale, because the music makes me laugh. Or else the Kia Soul commercial where the hamsters intercept the robot war using LMFAO Party Rock Anthem. Pretty awesome.
WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER? Verizon.
FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? My husband!
Whats your favorite color? Right now? Black!
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU? My soul. It's all you can take with you forever.
WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? A P.E. teacher... I kind of am. Zumba instructor is close enough!
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11? Count the ways you can make 11:11 out of it. Eleven is my favorite number, so 11:11 is my favorite time(s) of day.
THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEEt? White with owls.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED? What I have to do the next day.
Whats your middle name? Ann
How big is your bed? California King... be jealous!
What are you listening to right now? The sound of the TV commercials
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? Not going to say :D
What was the last thing you ate? Coke Zero
Last person you hugged? My mom.
How is the weather right now? Foggy!
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My dad.
What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex? Overall appearance. Unless you meet someone online, anyone who says that isn't the first thing they notice is lying. Or blind.
Favorite type of Food. Hmm.... noodles I guess.
Do you want children? Yes
Do you drink? No.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night? Never ever.
Hair color? Naturally blonde, but brown right now.
Eye colour? Blue/Gray/Green
Do you wear contacts/glasses? No
Favorite holiday? Halloween
Favorite Season? Fall
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? Yes.
Last Movie you Watched? Captain Phillips
What books are you reading? Storyteller by Jodi Picoult
Piercings? My ears (twice) and my bellybutton
Favorite Movie? Mothman Prophecies
Favorite college football Team? Oregon Ducks
What were you doing before filling this out? Drinking Coke Zero
Any pets? 4 birds, 2 dogs and 1 snake
Dogs or cats? Dogs. I hate cats!
Favorite Flower? Dandelion :)
Have you ever loved someone? Yes, my husband.
Who would you like to see right now? Myself skinnier.
Have you ever fired a gun? No.
Do you like to travel by plane? Yes!!!
Right-handed or Left-handed? Both. Mostly right, but I use my left for driving, pouring milk, and bowling.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go? South Dakota to see my Grandma for Christmas.
Are you missing someone? Yes... my grandparents, all 4 of them (1 is alive.)
Do you have a tattoo? Yes, 5.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? No!
Are you hiding something from someone? Maybe.
ARE YOU 18? No, I was 18 8 years ago. (omg.)
WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE? My dog with his teeth snagged on his lips.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT? There is no such thing as enough sleep!
FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING? "I really don't want to wake up now!"
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE? My phone, my phone charger, my lotion and some picture frames.
GRILLED OR FRIED? Grilled. Not even a question.
WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE? EVERYTHING!
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No.
FAVORITE HANGOUT? Zumba classes.
3 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT? things? My phone, my car and my job.
FAVORITE SONG? Follow the Leader.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Balloons and gaining weight.
ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER? Both? Although my husband says I give too much. I think there's no such thing as giving too much. If you can give, you should.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? My husband calls me "stinky." My dad calls me "dear."
WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME? He actually doesn't have one. Although I tried to convince him it should be Nathan (his dad's name)
WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME? Louise.
STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING? A jet, to get out of there.
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL? The one for some kind of ale, because the music makes me laugh. Or else the Kia Soul commercial where the hamsters intercept the robot war using LMFAO Party Rock Anthem. Pretty awesome.
WHO'S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER? Verizon.
FIRST THING YOU'LL SAVE IN A FIRE? My husband!
Whats your favorite color? Right now? Black!
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU? My soul. It's all you can take with you forever.
WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? A P.E. teacher... I kind of am. Zumba instructor is close enough!
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11? Count the ways you can make 11:11 out of it. Eleven is my favorite number, so 11:11 is my favorite time(s) of day.
THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEEt? White with owls.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED? What I have to do the next day.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Concept of Rest
I didn't think through this blog post very long before starting to write it. In fact, I only thought about it for about 5 seconds, so I apologize in advance if it is kind of all over the place.
I'm pretty sure it's not at all uncommon for people with eating disorders to have a hard time grasping the concept of "rest". Personally, resting is something I really suck at! Even if I'm sick or injured, I have a very hard time allowing myself to really rest. In fact, I'm not even sure what resting really looks like! I think for most people it's like watching a few movies back to back, drinking tea or hot cocoa, eating food that tastes good, reading books, taking naps.... and such. The only things in that list that I do even semi-regularly are drink tea and read books... and I really only read books when I'm on the toilet or right before going to sleep. (Lol sorry... is that gross? Haha you'll live.) I almost never watch entire movies, and certainly NEVER watch them back to back. Corky and I will watch a TV show before bed, but most of the time I fall asleep part way through it. I hate taking naps.
If I do manage to rest at all, I feel extremely guilty about it. I feel as though I "should" be up and moving, burning calories, getting things done, doing something for someone else. I feel selfish, fat, gluttonous and lazy when I "rest." I'm putting the word rest in quotes there because I don't think I'm even doing it right when I try.
"Rest" was the main directive I was given last August when I got my wisdom teeth out. I really struggled with that! Well, I sort of did and I sort of didn't. The first day I actually felt okay. The day I got them out I felt, for the most part, fine. I was a little woozy at first, and sort of dizzy the rest of the day, but I wasn't in much pain and I wasn't too tired. It turned out that my body was actually in shock because the extraction wasn't exactly easy (I would know, I was awake for it!) and I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.
The 2nd day was hard. I felt like crap. But my brain was like well if you are going to sit on your ass all day like they said, then you can't eat! Which was also a problem because the dentist was telling me how important it was that I gave my body adequate nutrition so that it could recover quickly. I almost started laughing. Adequate nutrition is something I don't even give my body when I'm doing 3 Zumba classes per day, to say nothing of sitting on the couch! But at the same time, I was so tired and in so much pain that I couldn't have gotten up even if I tried. Of course, you know me. I did too much too soon and got dry socket and blah blah. Oh yeah. That was horrible.
It was really shocking to me how long it took me to fully recuperate from that procedure. And I didn't even have the general anesthesia to flush out of my system! And I wasn't on pain meds (don't ask.) It took about 3 weeks before I could do a whole hour Zumba class without it feeling like someone was smashing an ice pick into my skull and jawbone. It took nearly as long for me to have my usual energy (which is to say dead tired all the time) back, and even longer before the headaches went away. "Rest." Sure.. I'll get right on that.
Or in early November, for example, when I got home from my honeymoon with a nasty intestinal problem. My doctor said the dreaded R word to me. "Rest," she said. Again, I nodded and promised I would, and then turned around and taught all my normal Zumba classes, worked extra hours at my nanny job, and even subbed some Zumba classes. Rest? What does that mean? My life doesn't slow down.
So this past week has been crazy. Late nights, lots of Zumba, lots of work, and early mornings. I. Am. So. Exhausted. At about 3:30 this afternoon, I dyed my hair. Took a shower to rinse it out. Lay down on the bed with Corky... and I sort of fell asleep! I know my body is tired. My brain is tired. But I felt so guilty for falling asleep. And all the rest of the evening I've been lazy! I've eaten dinner and even had popcorn and some other stuff and many Coke Zeros (I think I'm addicted. No, I know I am!) Tomorrow I will teach 3 Zumba classes and be just as tired as I was before I slept for 20 minutes today.
But why can't my stupid brain forgive me for falling asleep? It was 20 minutes! I couldn't do any more Zumba this moment even if my life depended on it. This is Rest... Ish.... right? Isn't this what I'm supposed to do when I'm tired? So why do I feel so bad?
I'm pretty sure it's not at all uncommon for people with eating disorders to have a hard time grasping the concept of "rest". Personally, resting is something I really suck at! Even if I'm sick or injured, I have a very hard time allowing myself to really rest. In fact, I'm not even sure what resting really looks like! I think for most people it's like watching a few movies back to back, drinking tea or hot cocoa, eating food that tastes good, reading books, taking naps.... and such. The only things in that list that I do even semi-regularly are drink tea and read books... and I really only read books when I'm on the toilet or right before going to sleep. (Lol sorry... is that gross? Haha you'll live.) I almost never watch entire movies, and certainly NEVER watch them back to back. Corky and I will watch a TV show before bed, but most of the time I fall asleep part way through it. I hate taking naps.
If I do manage to rest at all, I feel extremely guilty about it. I feel as though I "should" be up and moving, burning calories, getting things done, doing something for someone else. I feel selfish, fat, gluttonous and lazy when I "rest." I'm putting the word rest in quotes there because I don't think I'm even doing it right when I try.
"Rest" was the main directive I was given last August when I got my wisdom teeth out. I really struggled with that! Well, I sort of did and I sort of didn't. The first day I actually felt okay. The day I got them out I felt, for the most part, fine. I was a little woozy at first, and sort of dizzy the rest of the day, but I wasn't in much pain and I wasn't too tired. It turned out that my body was actually in shock because the extraction wasn't exactly easy (I would know, I was awake for it!) and I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.
The 2nd day was hard. I felt like crap. But my brain was like well if you are going to sit on your ass all day like they said, then you can't eat! Which was also a problem because the dentist was telling me how important it was that I gave my body adequate nutrition so that it could recover quickly. I almost started laughing. Adequate nutrition is something I don't even give my body when I'm doing 3 Zumba classes per day, to say nothing of sitting on the couch! But at the same time, I was so tired and in so much pain that I couldn't have gotten up even if I tried. Of course, you know me. I did too much too soon and got dry socket and blah blah. Oh yeah. That was horrible.
It was really shocking to me how long it took me to fully recuperate from that procedure. And I didn't even have the general anesthesia to flush out of my system! And I wasn't on pain meds (don't ask.) It took about 3 weeks before I could do a whole hour Zumba class without it feeling like someone was smashing an ice pick into my skull and jawbone. It took nearly as long for me to have my usual energy (which is to say dead tired all the time) back, and even longer before the headaches went away. "Rest." Sure.. I'll get right on that.
Or in early November, for example, when I got home from my honeymoon with a nasty intestinal problem. My doctor said the dreaded R word to me. "Rest," she said. Again, I nodded and promised I would, and then turned around and taught all my normal Zumba classes, worked extra hours at my nanny job, and even subbed some Zumba classes. Rest? What does that mean? My life doesn't slow down.
So this past week has been crazy. Late nights, lots of Zumba, lots of work, and early mornings. I. Am. So. Exhausted. At about 3:30 this afternoon, I dyed my hair. Took a shower to rinse it out. Lay down on the bed with Corky... and I sort of fell asleep! I know my body is tired. My brain is tired. But I felt so guilty for falling asleep. And all the rest of the evening I've been lazy! I've eaten dinner and even had popcorn and some other stuff and many Coke Zeros (I think I'm addicted. No, I know I am!) Tomorrow I will teach 3 Zumba classes and be just as tired as I was before I slept for 20 minutes today.
But why can't my stupid brain forgive me for falling asleep? It was 20 minutes! I couldn't do any more Zumba this moment even if my life depended on it. This is Rest... Ish.... right? Isn't this what I'm supposed to do when I'm tired? So why do I feel so bad?
H8
I received an incredibly mean comment yesterday on here yesterday. Totally unnecessary. The first time I've ever deleted a comment off this blog. I know, I know, I said I wouldn't. But this one... Man!!! So this post is just to say:
Don't F*cking Hate On Me OKAY???
Don't F*cking Hate On Me OKAY???
Friday, December 13, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Snow White
***Note: I started this post 2 days ago but never got to finish. Now it's going to be a random, stream-of-consciousness post. Lol. Welcome to my brain.***
I love Snow White. She is my favorite Disney Princess. I'm not sure why... maybe it's because she is markedly different than all the (original) Disney Princesses in that she has short hair. All the other ones had long hair. Pocahontas (who wasn't exactly a Princess) and Jasmine had dark hair like Snow White, but they also would have naturally had dark hair if they were real people. Snow White has super pale skin and jet black hair. She is stunning!
When I was 19, I had my hair cut about chin length and dyed it black. I didn't intend to look like Snow White but I did. I'm pretty pale, but having black hair made me really pale! That was also when I was at my lowest weight ever. I remember I had this Snow White hoodie... it was white with Snow White on the back and the words "Snow White" written in all cursive on the front. Man I loved that thing! I wore it all the time. I got it from Hot Topic. Around the same time I had this shirt from Journey's that said "You Sank My Battleship" which I thought was hilarious. I also had a shirt with Scarface on it, that I got in Hawaii in December 2006. Loved that shirt too.
I was a late bloomer for sure!!! I look back at pics of myself in High school now and I look away shuddering. Did I really think those clothes and hairstyles were okay? Oh my god... what was I thinking?? Lol!!!!! It's so horrible. Embarrassing really. Recently, a friend of mine tagged me in a picture from my junior year. It was so horrifying. Traumatizing. Honestly I can't even tell you. I was wearing this hideous red hoodie thing.. I don't even remember having that! And my hair... oh man. And I was fat. So gross. ENOUGH about this topic LOL!!!!!
I am going to pick up the kid I nanny for in an hour. I should probably leave in like 30-35 min. I am such a pig... ew. I am disgusting. I can literally FEEL my fat hanging over my pants. It's horrible!!!! I just want it to go away.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my cousin Hillary's death. (She's dead... so I guess I can say her name.) She died on 12/12/12. She was 33 I think. She didn't always have the easiest time... but you don't supposed God would keep her out of Heaven do you? I mean... surely God must know that Hillary did the best she could.
I believe in old souls and young souls. I guess that means I believe in reincarnation... although I hate to say that because it makes me sound crazy (to my ears). It's weird... I have this faith and these beliefs that I feel as though I should have growing up in the household I did. But I believe them and I can't help it. Like a steadfast belief in God. Why? I don't know. My parents don't talk about God. They don't even believe in God (at least my dad doesn't.) But I do!!! Even when I try to tell myself "there's no such thing as God," I know I am lying when I say those words to myself. I try to be "mad at God" and not believe.. but it does not work. I also believe in Heaven. But then I believe in old souls and reincarnation too apparently... and those don't match up well. But I can't help it. Weird.
On Sunday, my friend and I went to our friend S's Zumba class. We came in about 10 min late and we hadn't been in there more than 20 seconds and I said, "Something is wrong. Something is wrong with S! She doesn't feel right." The energy was off. I can't tell you what it was. She looked normal, she was smiling and whooping like she normally does in class. But something felt wrong. I noticed it right away and told Alena. After class, we talked to S. It turned out she was coming down with a cold (that is now bronchitis, poor thing) and her heel was really hurting. She said to me, "you're so intuitive." I was blown away. Most people, when faced with a comment from me about energy being off or whatever, are like "oh... that's.... nice." Or something. But not S! She was just ready to accept it and tell me that I was intuitive. It was so nice to be validated.
My insurance company is being stupid. They are dropping me down to 1x/week with my therapist at the beginning of January. I am just going to drop it altogether after that. I don't have a solid enough foundation to make 1x/week work. I'll just end up lying to her and I don't want to do that, so I'd rather just quit while I'm ahead, if you know what I mean.
Okay... well, THIS is the longest, randomest, boringest blog entry known to mankind LOL! Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this ridiculousness. I hope to have a picture dump up soon and some wedding photos (whenever I have a second.) Maybe I'll put up pics of the gingerbread houses the kid and I are making tonight :D
Happy Thursday!!! xoxoxo
I love Snow White. She is my favorite Disney Princess. I'm not sure why... maybe it's because she is markedly different than all the (original) Disney Princesses in that she has short hair. All the other ones had long hair. Pocahontas (who wasn't exactly a Princess) and Jasmine had dark hair like Snow White, but they also would have naturally had dark hair if they were real people. Snow White has super pale skin and jet black hair. She is stunning!
When I was 19, I had my hair cut about chin length and dyed it black. I didn't intend to look like Snow White but I did. I'm pretty pale, but having black hair made me really pale! That was also when I was at my lowest weight ever. I remember I had this Snow White hoodie... it was white with Snow White on the back and the words "Snow White" written in all cursive on the front. Man I loved that thing! I wore it all the time. I got it from Hot Topic. Around the same time I had this shirt from Journey's that said "You Sank My Battleship" which I thought was hilarious. I also had a shirt with Scarface on it, that I got in Hawaii in December 2006. Loved that shirt too.
I was a late bloomer for sure!!! I look back at pics of myself in High school now and I look away shuddering. Did I really think those clothes and hairstyles were okay? Oh my god... what was I thinking?? Lol!!!!! It's so horrible. Embarrassing really. Recently, a friend of mine tagged me in a picture from my junior year. It was so horrifying. Traumatizing. Honestly I can't even tell you. I was wearing this hideous red hoodie thing.. I don't even remember having that! And my hair... oh man. And I was fat. So gross. ENOUGH about this topic LOL!!!!!
I am going to pick up the kid I nanny for in an hour. I should probably leave in like 30-35 min. I am such a pig... ew. I am disgusting. I can literally FEEL my fat hanging over my pants. It's horrible!!!! I just want it to go away.
Today is the 1 year anniversary of my cousin Hillary's death. (She's dead... so I guess I can say her name.) She died on 12/12/12. She was 33 I think. She didn't always have the easiest time... but you don't supposed God would keep her out of Heaven do you? I mean... surely God must know that Hillary did the best she could.
I believe in old souls and young souls. I guess that means I believe in reincarnation... although I hate to say that because it makes me sound crazy (to my ears). It's weird... I have this faith and these beliefs that I feel as though I should have growing up in the household I did. But I believe them and I can't help it. Like a steadfast belief in God. Why? I don't know. My parents don't talk about God. They don't even believe in God (at least my dad doesn't.) But I do!!! Even when I try to tell myself "there's no such thing as God," I know I am lying when I say those words to myself. I try to be "mad at God" and not believe.. but it does not work. I also believe in Heaven. But then I believe in old souls and reincarnation too apparently... and those don't match up well. But I can't help it. Weird.
On Sunday, my friend and I went to our friend S's Zumba class. We came in about 10 min late and we hadn't been in there more than 20 seconds and I said, "Something is wrong. Something is wrong with S! She doesn't feel right." The energy was off. I can't tell you what it was. She looked normal, she was smiling and whooping like she normally does in class. But something felt wrong. I noticed it right away and told Alena. After class, we talked to S. It turned out she was coming down with a cold (that is now bronchitis, poor thing) and her heel was really hurting. She said to me, "you're so intuitive." I was blown away. Most people, when faced with a comment from me about energy being off or whatever, are like "oh... that's.... nice." Or something. But not S! She was just ready to accept it and tell me that I was intuitive. It was so nice to be validated.
My insurance company is being stupid. They are dropping me down to 1x/week with my therapist at the beginning of January. I am just going to drop it altogether after that. I don't have a solid enough foundation to make 1x/week work. I'll just end up lying to her and I don't want to do that, so I'd rather just quit while I'm ahead, if you know what I mean.
Okay... well, THIS is the longest, randomest, boringest blog entry known to mankind LOL! Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this ridiculousness. I hope to have a picture dump up soon and some wedding photos (whenever I have a second.) Maybe I'll put up pics of the gingerbread houses the kid and I are making tonight :D
Happy Thursday!!! xoxoxo
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Babies Babies Everywhere!
Over the Thanksgiving weekend, like 4 of my facebook friends posted that they are pregnant. A bunch of my friends already have a baby (or babies!) and as I type, my childhood bestie, K, is giving birth to her baby girl.
This one is really odd for me. K and I met in 8th grade and were immediately friends. I guess in my mind, she and I are forever frozen at 14, the age we were when we became really close. All of high school, whenever I needed someone to talk to, I went to K. She accepted me exactly as I was, always. She never judged. She was always there. We had so much fun. Our list of inside jokes is miles long! We saw each other through fun stuff, bad stuff, crazy stuff, exciting stuff and scary stuff. We fought, made up, drifted apart, came back together, but always loved each other. Even though she lives in Cali now, we still talk. I know she always has my back, and I always have hers. Miles mean nothing.
I am SOOOOOO happy for K. Her little daughter is going to be so loved. K has always had a huge heart. I wish so much I could be there to see her interact with her little girl. I wish I could see K's mom interact with her granddaughter. There is so much fierce, loyal love in that family. Little baby H is so lucky. I hope she knows that.
Congratulations K!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!
This one is really odd for me. K and I met in 8th grade and were immediately friends. I guess in my mind, she and I are forever frozen at 14, the age we were when we became really close. All of high school, whenever I needed someone to talk to, I went to K. She accepted me exactly as I was, always. She never judged. She was always there. We had so much fun. Our list of inside jokes is miles long! We saw each other through fun stuff, bad stuff, crazy stuff, exciting stuff and scary stuff. We fought, made up, drifted apart, came back together, but always loved each other. Even though she lives in Cali now, we still talk. I know she always has my back, and I always have hers. Miles mean nothing.
I am SOOOOOO happy for K. Her little daughter is going to be so loved. K has always had a huge heart. I wish so much I could be there to see her interact with her little girl. I wish I could see K's mom interact with her granddaughter. There is so much fierce, loyal love in that family. Little baby H is so lucky. I hope she knows that.
Congratulations K!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Affirmations
Affirmations - by Savage Garden
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself, alone.
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust us more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom isn't fair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
Okay. Now... let me examine this piece by piece. I randomly found this old CD in my car today and popped it in, and this is the first song on it. I LOVE THIS SONG, may I just say!!!
Verse 1:
Line 1)I disagree with the first thing. Sometimes you just need to LET IT LIE and go to bed mad. In the morning you wake up and things look better. The more tired you get, the more irrational you get and the more tangled up things become. So no... I don't agree with that.
Line 2)I sort of agree with the second line. I think we give people too much control over our happiness (or our moods in general) but I think we also can't help it, to an extent!
Line 3) Yep!!! The stuff that makes junk food tastes so good is the stuff that's bad for you (MSG, sugar, fake sugar, etc.)
Line 4) Hmm! This is complicated! I would say I agree with this mostly. We all have skeletons in our closets but I think we come by our sh*t honestly and for the most part we do the best we can all the time
Line 5) YES! Accidentally, they do. Or maybe no so accidentally! If they make us feel bad, we'll buy product to try and remedy that... and more magazines! hmm..... scoundrels!
Line 6) I have no idea. If you love yourself, then sure. If you believe in God and believe He/She/It/They love you all the time, then sure. But I really have no idea.
Chorus
Line 1) Oh man. I really want to believe in karma soooooo bad. But I'm not sure if I do. I think things happen sometime and people call it karma, but it doesn't happen with enough regularity for me to believe it for sure. I do believe that some people pay things back/forward, but that has more to do with the person than karma.
Line 2) This line makes sense... but I think more accurate would be to say, once you're burned you're afraid of "love" until you find "real" love and even then people might argue that there's no such thing.
Line 3) Yes I agree. The grass may look greener but it's a mirage. Mile in the shoes... blah blah blah.
Line 4) Oh yes!!! So much yes!!!!
Verse 2
Line 1) This is a hot topic if ever I heard one! I think it's true, but there's so much controversy and shit about this that I'm not even going to touch it!!! But I'll tell you I PERSONALLY believe it is not a choice.
Line 2) What? What is he even saying here?? I guess I'm not too keen on the idea of a man having 5 wives. The concept of trust changes completely if you're a polygamist. Just because I don't want to be in that lifestyle doesn't mean I think no one should if that's what they want. But monogamous trust and polygamous trust are like apples and oranges. What is this line even in here for?
Line 3) Weeeeellll...... I guess so. Unless you're looking for models, then it doesn't really apply. But I guess I would TWO of your most attractive features are your heart and soul. You can have pretty eyes too Lol!
Line 4) This is kind of a poetic line. But I think I agree. If you have your family, and you're poor.... at least you have love. You can grow up with all the money in the world but if you don't have love then you're not happy. And happiness is key.
Line 5) Oh god yes. Especially with the Occupy movements recently. It's not fair. The poor keep getting poorer and the rich keep getting richer... But that being said..........
Line 6) I know some middle class people who disagree. So no, millionaires are not the only ones.
Verse 3
Line 1) If you agree with Verse 1, Line 2, then sure. But I don't think it's THE key. I think it's A key.
Line 2) I can't say for sure what I think about this because I really don't understand it. Being married invalidates the need to be naked? What?? Sorry, I'm lost. I guess I could say I agree with the fact that sometimes you get too comfortable being married and lose your sex drive... is that what they mean?
Line 3) Yeah. I don't think God would endorse anyone who shoves their beliefs down other people's throats. Pretty sure that goes against a few commandments or something!
Line 4) Well... taking this literally, no. In order for love to exist for real, there have to be people to house and create that emotion. Eventually, the sun will burn out and humans will stop existing, and unless other creatures manage to survive the destruction of earth and everything, then love won't go on into eternity. Unless of course Heaven exists and we all (almost all?) end up there, loving forever and ever. However, I have a really hard time with the concept of eternity, so I'm not entirely sure whether or not I agree. It's a nice idea, though, don't you think?
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself, alone.
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust us more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom isn't fair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
(Chorus)
I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love til you've burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye.
Okay. Now... let me examine this piece by piece. I randomly found this old CD in my car today and popped it in, and this is the first song on it. I LOVE THIS SONG, may I just say!!!
Verse 1:
Line 1)I disagree with the first thing. Sometimes you just need to LET IT LIE and go to bed mad. In the morning you wake up and things look better. The more tired you get, the more irrational you get and the more tangled up things become. So no... I don't agree with that.
Line 2)I sort of agree with the second line. I think we give people too much control over our happiness (or our moods in general) but I think we also can't help it, to an extent!
Line 3) Yep!!! The stuff that makes junk food tastes so good is the stuff that's bad for you (MSG, sugar, fake sugar, etc.)
Line 4) Hmm! This is complicated! I would say I agree with this mostly. We all have skeletons in our closets but I think we come by our sh*t honestly and for the most part we do the best we can all the time
Line 5) YES! Accidentally, they do. Or maybe no so accidentally! If they make us feel bad, we'll buy product to try and remedy that... and more magazines! hmm..... scoundrels!
Line 6) I have no idea. If you love yourself, then sure. If you believe in God and believe He/She/It/They love you all the time, then sure. But I really have no idea.
Chorus
Line 1) Oh man. I really want to believe in karma soooooo bad. But I'm not sure if I do. I think things happen sometime and people call it karma, but it doesn't happen with enough regularity for me to believe it for sure. I do believe that some people pay things back/forward, but that has more to do with the person than karma.
Line 2) This line makes sense... but I think more accurate would be to say, once you're burned you're afraid of "love" until you find "real" love and even then people might argue that there's no such thing.
Line 3) Yes I agree. The grass may look greener but it's a mirage. Mile in the shoes... blah blah blah.
Line 4) Oh yes!!! So much yes!!!!
Verse 2
Line 1) This is a hot topic if ever I heard one! I think it's true, but there's so much controversy and shit about this that I'm not even going to touch it!!! But I'll tell you I PERSONALLY believe it is not a choice.
Line 2) What? What is he even saying here?? I guess I'm not too keen on the idea of a man having 5 wives. The concept of trust changes completely if you're a polygamist. Just because I don't want to be in that lifestyle doesn't mean I think no one should if that's what they want. But monogamous trust and polygamous trust are like apples and oranges. What is this line even in here for?
Line 3) Weeeeellll...... I guess so. Unless you're looking for models, then it doesn't really apply. But I guess I would TWO of your most attractive features are your heart and soul. You can have pretty eyes too Lol!
Line 4) This is kind of a poetic line. But I think I agree. If you have your family, and you're poor.... at least you have love. You can grow up with all the money in the world but if you don't have love then you're not happy. And happiness is key.
Line 5) Oh god yes. Especially with the Occupy movements recently. It's not fair. The poor keep getting poorer and the rich keep getting richer... But that being said..........
Line 6) I know some middle class people who disagree. So no, millionaires are not the only ones.
Verse 3
Line 1) If you agree with Verse 1, Line 2, then sure. But I don't think it's THE key. I think it's A key.
Line 2) I can't say for sure what I think about this because I really don't understand it. Being married invalidates the need to be naked? What?? Sorry, I'm lost. I guess I could say I agree with the fact that sometimes you get too comfortable being married and lose your sex drive... is that what they mean?
Line 3) Yeah. I don't think God would endorse anyone who shoves their beliefs down other people's throats. Pretty sure that goes against a few commandments or something!
Line 4) Well... taking this literally, no. In order for love to exist for real, there have to be people to house and create that emotion. Eventually, the sun will burn out and humans will stop existing, and unless other creatures manage to survive the destruction of earth and everything, then love won't go on into eternity. Unless of course Heaven exists and we all (almost all?) end up there, loving forever and ever. However, I have a really hard time with the concept of eternity, so I'm not entirely sure whether or not I agree. It's a nice idea, though, don't you think?
Monday, December 2, 2013
Blog-iversary
Happy Birthday to my blog!!!
I just randomly looked in the archives and found that one year ago today I wrote my first blog post on this site ("Welcome" Dec 2, 2012.)
This would normally be when I go "how far have I come in a year?" "What things have changed?" "What progress have I made?" But.... in case you hadn't already figured this out, I'm not a typical person. Lol. So.. I'm not going to say ANY of those things!
Instead, what I am going to do is say Thank you. There are some of you that have read this blog from the start. Commented on a few posts. Maybe tossed up a prayer or good vibe for me when I posted a particularly bleak update. Commiserated with me. Disagreed with me. Even flat out insulted me and swore at me! I thank you all (even that last category) because without you all to read my blog, there'd be no reason for me to even write one! Everyone is entitled to their opinions. If I'm allowed to publish my point of view on the internet for all to see, then you should all be entitled to tell me exactly what you think of me. Fair is fair, right?
Those of you that have been with me for this whole year have seen me go through some pretty cool stuff, some pretty hard stuff, even some downright scary stuff! I'm sure this next year will be no different. Via this blog, you went with me to South Dakota for Christmas, to Los Angeles for the Zumba convention, seen me get married, go on a honeymoon and deal with the stress of adding a wedding dress to anorexia. You saw me grapple with the horror of seeing the body of someone who had committed suicide, seen me rant and vent about various things, seen me lay my ripped and bleeding heart out when anorexia attacked one of the people I care the most about. You've put up with numerous picture dumps, more complaints than I can count and some pretty crazy perspectives. I'm endlessly grateful to YOU ALL!!!!!
So let's see where we go this year, shall we?
HAPPY DECEMBER EVERYONE!!!! xoxoxo
I just randomly looked in the archives and found that one year ago today I wrote my first blog post on this site ("Welcome" Dec 2, 2012.)
This would normally be when I go "how far have I come in a year?" "What things have changed?" "What progress have I made?" But.... in case you hadn't already figured this out, I'm not a typical person. Lol. So.. I'm not going to say ANY of those things!
Instead, what I am going to do is say Thank you. There are some of you that have read this blog from the start. Commented on a few posts. Maybe tossed up a prayer or good vibe for me when I posted a particularly bleak update. Commiserated with me. Disagreed with me. Even flat out insulted me and swore at me! I thank you all (even that last category) because without you all to read my blog, there'd be no reason for me to even write one! Everyone is entitled to their opinions. If I'm allowed to publish my point of view on the internet for all to see, then you should all be entitled to tell me exactly what you think of me. Fair is fair, right?
Those of you that have been with me for this whole year have seen me go through some pretty cool stuff, some pretty hard stuff, even some downright scary stuff! I'm sure this next year will be no different. Via this blog, you went with me to South Dakota for Christmas, to Los Angeles for the Zumba convention, seen me get married, go on a honeymoon and deal with the stress of adding a wedding dress to anorexia. You saw me grapple with the horror of seeing the body of someone who had committed suicide, seen me rant and vent about various things, seen me lay my ripped and bleeding heart out when anorexia attacked one of the people I care the most about. You've put up with numerous picture dumps, more complaints than I can count and some pretty crazy perspectives. I'm endlessly grateful to YOU ALL!!!!!
So let's see where we go this year, shall we?
HAPPY DECEMBER EVERYONE!!!! xoxoxo
Saturday, November 30, 2013
I'm Not Ashamed
This is going to be really quick because I'm quite busy. But the other day I made a video on my YouTube channel about Thanksgiving (Link Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsqBtoOv2PY) and one of my YouTube viewer friends, who I also know on facebook, shared the video on her page. She asked me first, and I said sure. I didn't know she was going to tag me, but she did and that's fine. But now one of my facebook friends who I know from Zumba. saw it and told me she spent the last hour watching all the videos. Which I think is cool, except I wasn't planning for all my facebook friends to know.
But I am not ashamed. I guess it's like "coming out" that I have an eating disorder. Now everyone can know. I think it is actually for the best. Maybe someone who is struggling and hiding it will see that and talk to me about it. Maybe it will help me help someone :)
But I am not ashamed. I guess it's like "coming out" that I have an eating disorder. Now everyone can know. I think it is actually for the best. Maybe someone who is struggling and hiding it will see that and talk to me about it. Maybe it will help me help someone :)
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Hey Soul Sister
This post is dedicated to my Sister of the Soul Variety - you know who you are! ;)
It's been about a year now since we became really really close friends. It happened pretty suddenly. One minute you weren't there, then all of the sudden you were! And almost that fast we were friends, and almost that fast we were sisters! Sisters of the soul variety.
There's no one in the world that knows me like you. Not my parents, not my actual sister, not my husband - probably not even me! There's nothing I can't tell you. There's nothing I wouldn't trust you with. Zumba made us co-workers, even friends, but we made us bestfriends (yeah, no space in that word!) and soul sisters. We have so much in common, it's scary!
I don't even have to say a word, you already know what I'm thinking. Even if we aren't together. Some people might think that's odd.. I think it's awesome. Like when you knew I felt sad about something days before I even knew it myself. You knew why I was so sad.. I didn't even know I was! And you waited patiently for me to figure it out and come to you. I've done that for you too (like the night after we did that Zumba wedding.. you know what I mean.)
There is no need for me to list all the things I love about our friendship. First of all, it would take me forever and second of all, you already know them! One big giant HEART drawn should suffice. :) My wedding DEFINITELY wouldn't have been complete without you! I know that whatever happens, wherever we are, we can have fun. That's just how we do.
You are brave, beautiful, strong, funny, caring, smart, honest and thoughtful. You love the color purple, Merengue songs, blinged phone cases, birds, tea, Zumba, macintosh apples, owls, stargazer lilies, your family and your friends. You are fair, you don't judge. You don't discriminate. You don't like mouth noises, spiders, people who drive too slow (sorry!), some Salsa music, Chapstick or oatmeal that isn't mush. Hee! These things are all what make you the wonderful YOU that you are, and you are so loved!
I feel lucky that you dropped out of nowhere into my life last fall. I can't imagine where I'd be without you (and frankly vice versa - I know you understand what I mean.) I wish I could become a giant shield and protect you from all the shit that can come about in the world but I can't do that. I can, however, be here for you always and be your shoulder to cry on, the one who beats people up for you, the one who feels random pain all the way over here and texts you "What happened? Are you okay??" I would run barefoot across needles for you (and I don't mean pine needles!) if it was what needed to be done. The best part? I know you'd do it for me too.
So we still need to choreograph that new Bollywood one from the new MegaMix. Whenever we have a second between pep-talking each other, laughing so hard we can't breath (Doumbasse, party of 4??), exchanging new tea flavors, and having telepathic conversations, we'll get around to that song. In the meantime, we'll have full-fledged conversations while co-teaching at our various gyms, exchange knowing glances in the mirror when something bizarre happens, make each other laugh in the middle of teaching and just generally have fun the way only we can do.
I love you, sister of my heart!!! I am thankful you are in my life!
It's been about a year now since we became really really close friends. It happened pretty suddenly. One minute you weren't there, then all of the sudden you were! And almost that fast we were friends, and almost that fast we were sisters! Sisters of the soul variety.
There's no one in the world that knows me like you. Not my parents, not my actual sister, not my husband - probably not even me! There's nothing I can't tell you. There's nothing I wouldn't trust you with. Zumba made us co-workers, even friends, but we made us bestfriends (yeah, no space in that word!) and soul sisters. We have so much in common, it's scary!
I don't even have to say a word, you already know what I'm thinking. Even if we aren't together. Some people might think that's odd.. I think it's awesome. Like when you knew I felt sad about something days before I even knew it myself. You knew why I was so sad.. I didn't even know I was! And you waited patiently for me to figure it out and come to you. I've done that for you too (like the night after we did that Zumba wedding.. you know what I mean.)
There is no need for me to list all the things I love about our friendship. First of all, it would take me forever and second of all, you already know them! One big giant HEART drawn should suffice. :) My wedding DEFINITELY wouldn't have been complete without you! I know that whatever happens, wherever we are, we can have fun. That's just how we do.
You are brave, beautiful, strong, funny, caring, smart, honest and thoughtful. You love the color purple, Merengue songs, blinged phone cases, birds, tea, Zumba, macintosh apples, owls, stargazer lilies, your family and your friends. You are fair, you don't judge. You don't discriminate. You don't like mouth noises, spiders, people who drive too slow (sorry!), some Salsa music, Chapstick or oatmeal that isn't mush. Hee! These things are all what make you the wonderful YOU that you are, and you are so loved!
I feel lucky that you dropped out of nowhere into my life last fall. I can't imagine where I'd be without you (and frankly vice versa - I know you understand what I mean.) I wish I could become a giant shield and protect you from all the shit that can come about in the world but I can't do that. I can, however, be here for you always and be your shoulder to cry on, the one who beats people up for you, the one who feels random pain all the way over here and texts you "What happened? Are you okay??" I would run barefoot across needles for you (and I don't mean pine needles!) if it was what needed to be done. The best part? I know you'd do it for me too.
So we still need to choreograph that new Bollywood one from the new MegaMix. Whenever we have a second between pep-talking each other, laughing so hard we can't breath (Doumbasse, party of 4??), exchanging new tea flavors, and having telepathic conversations, we'll get around to that song. In the meantime, we'll have full-fledged conversations while co-teaching at our various gyms, exchange knowing glances in the mirror when something bizarre happens, make each other laugh in the middle of teaching and just generally have fun the way only we can do.
I love you, sister of my heart!!! I am thankful you are in my life!
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Struggles
Hello. For those of who who watch my YouTube channel (katenotkatie87) I AM SO SO SO SORRY FOR MY LACK OF VIDEOS!!!!!
To be honest, I feel like I look fat & disgusting and I can't get any video right. To make matters worse, my phone is ridiculous and has a very hard time uploading videos to YouTube and it takes eons do to it through the computer. Not that those are great excuses.. but they are reasons.
Hopefully I'll be able to put one up soon. I also just feel like I keep saying the same shit over and over on those vids. Everything I have to say is something I've already said before. Maybe it's time for another Q & A video...? I don't know. If you happen to read this, comment below and tell me what you think I should do.
The Anorexic voice in my head is SO LOUD these days. I went to a new doctor on Wednesday, to replace my current Western Med doctor and he said the dreaded three words: "You look healthy." Oh.. I tried my damnedest to keep that from getting into my brain! I held it off until Friday. But I just can't do it anymore.
I'm just ready to be done, you know? I can't do everything I'm supposed to do, all my jobs, all my responsibilities, be a good wife, a good friend... I can't do any of this with all this noise in my head. I'm only 26 but I'm just so fucking TIRED!!!!
To be honest, I feel like I look fat & disgusting and I can't get any video right. To make matters worse, my phone is ridiculous and has a very hard time uploading videos to YouTube and it takes eons do to it through the computer. Not that those are great excuses.. but they are reasons.
Hopefully I'll be able to put one up soon. I also just feel like I keep saying the same shit over and over on those vids. Everything I have to say is something I've already said before. Maybe it's time for another Q & A video...? I don't know. If you happen to read this, comment below and tell me what you think I should do.
The Anorexic voice in my head is SO LOUD these days. I went to a new doctor on Wednesday, to replace my current Western Med doctor and he said the dreaded three words: "You look healthy." Oh.. I tried my damnedest to keep that from getting into my brain! I held it off until Friday. But I just can't do it anymore.
I'm just ready to be done, you know? I can't do everything I'm supposed to do, all my jobs, all my responsibilities, be a good wife, a good friend... I can't do any of this with all this noise in my head. I'm only 26 but I'm just so fucking TIRED!!!!
Monday, November 18, 2013
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!
What. The. Fuck.
Don't have time to write a whole post on this right now but I'll try to write one tomorrow!!!!
My brain can't comprehend this.
http://www.returnofkings.com/21313/5-reasons-to-date-a-girl-with-an-eating-disorder
Don't have time to write a whole post on this right now but I'll try to write one tomorrow!!!!
My brain can't comprehend this.
http://www.returnofkings.com/21313/5-reasons-to-date-a-girl-with-an-eating-disorder
Torn
I feel the need to do some random venting. Why I think the internet is a good place for this, I do not know. Maybe because it offers some anonymity by being SO beyond public in that it's literally out there for everyone with two eyes and internet access to read, that it goes beyond being public and becomes... publicly private? Or maybe it's because I'm sure there's other people out there who are faced with the big scary land of "married twentysomethings" and looking at a giant fork in the road going "now what?"
I feel like I'm pulled in a bunch of directions. What I want, what I feel I should want, what my eating disorder wants, what I should be doing.. etc. I feel like one of those stretchy dude toys and my arms, legs AND head are being pulled. Work? Family? Zumba? School? What should I do?
It seems as though I fail at nearly everything. People say my job isn't a "real job." In fact, it is a real job and in fact I have two. I'm a Zumba instructor and a nanny! Both are real jobs and both make money. Okay, so I don't make tons of money. But it's money! But I don't want to get another job because there's no other jobs that can make me happy like Zumba and nannying. I don't want a desk job. Oh my god no! I would die of boredom. Even if I could get a "big girl job" (as my friend so amusingly puts it) I think I'd feel like I don't fit in there.
It reminds me of Spring 2012 when I was looking to buy my new car. I looked at a Hyundai Elantra (which was the kind of car I already drove but it was a 2004), a Kia Optima and a Mazda3 (which I ultimately ended up with.) But then my dad looked at the numbers again and said, "you could actually afford a Camry!" So we went to the Toyota dealership and I got to test drive this Camry. I felt really out of place in that car! It was too nice for me. I think I'd feel that way working like a high-paying job in an office.
And what about children? I'm 26, which I know means I have plenty of time... but... I know that Corky and I want to have at least one kid by the time we're 30. But I can't even think about that.... because the thought of having to gain baby weight makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. So that's enough about that topic. Lol!!!!!
I feel mostly torn between this idea of being part of a married pair and pulling away from that because of my eating disorder. NOT that I am pulling away from Corky or being married! Not that!!! Just the whole idea of being a grown up and getting a "big girl job" in addition to my "little girl job" (Zumba) and potentially being a mom within 5 years (oh god) and being ABLE to drive a nice car and being ABLE to work in a nice job... there's no room for an eating disorder in that mix. But the problem is I don't know how to be a functioning human being without one. I've nearly had it for longer than I haven't! How do you grow all the way up to 26 in fast forward? I can't understand how to do that. I can't understand where to start!
I feel like I'm pulled in a bunch of directions. What I want, what I feel I should want, what my eating disorder wants, what I should be doing.. etc. I feel like one of those stretchy dude toys and my arms, legs AND head are being pulled. Work? Family? Zumba? School? What should I do?
It seems as though I fail at nearly everything. People say my job isn't a "real job." In fact, it is a real job and in fact I have two. I'm a Zumba instructor and a nanny! Both are real jobs and both make money. Okay, so I don't make tons of money. But it's money! But I don't want to get another job because there's no other jobs that can make me happy like Zumba and nannying. I don't want a desk job. Oh my god no! I would die of boredom. Even if I could get a "big girl job" (as my friend so amusingly puts it) I think I'd feel like I don't fit in there.
It reminds me of Spring 2012 when I was looking to buy my new car. I looked at a Hyundai Elantra (which was the kind of car I already drove but it was a 2004), a Kia Optima and a Mazda3 (which I ultimately ended up with.) But then my dad looked at the numbers again and said, "you could actually afford a Camry!" So we went to the Toyota dealership and I got to test drive this Camry. I felt really out of place in that car! It was too nice for me. I think I'd feel that way working like a high-paying job in an office.
And what about children? I'm 26, which I know means I have plenty of time... but... I know that Corky and I want to have at least one kid by the time we're 30. But I can't even think about that.... because the thought of having to gain baby weight makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. So that's enough about that topic. Lol!!!!!
I feel mostly torn between this idea of being part of a married pair and pulling away from that because of my eating disorder. NOT that I am pulling away from Corky or being married! Not that!!! Just the whole idea of being a grown up and getting a "big girl job" in addition to my "little girl job" (Zumba) and potentially being a mom within 5 years (oh god) and being ABLE to drive a nice car and being ABLE to work in a nice job... there's no room for an eating disorder in that mix. But the problem is I don't know how to be a functioning human being without one. I've nearly had it for longer than I haven't! How do you grow all the way up to 26 in fast forward? I can't understand how to do that. I can't understand where to start!
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