Today I made a video and posted it on my YouTube channel (katenotkatie87).
And I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!
I look so disgusting and fat I can't even stand it! I HATE how I look right now, and I am so scared/sad because I know it's only going to get worse from here. I have 6 more months of this shit to deal with and I don't know how I'm going to do it. Make no mistake, I will do it! I just don't know how I'll do it.
I'm so angry at the world right now. Why does it have to be this way? Not that I wish I wasn't pregnant. I just wish being pregnant didn't have to be so fucking hard all the time! Being pregnant would have already been hard enough without an eating disorder, to say nothing of all the issues of cramping, spotting, hormones, emotions, headaches, nausea and inability to work out! I know it could be worse. I could be bedrested, I could have blood pressure problems, I could have already miscarried... I know, I know, I know, and I try so hard to have a positive attitude most of the time but this is my ONE pity party post, okay? I won't do it again for a really long time, pinky promise.
There is nothing about this that is easy. Not a damn thing. There are so many things about this that are hard, not the least of which is feeling so torn all the time. Trying to explain to someone the concept of missing something but not necessarily wanting it back, but grieving it all the same, is a very hard thing to do. It's not a concept that is easy to grasp for some people (read: Corky.) Sometimes it feels to me like trying to explain some things is like hitting my head against a brick wall.
I think I am going to stop seeing my therapist, H, again. I've only been back 3 times. But I can already tell I'm going to get nowhere with that, too. Corky hates her, for reasons mostly unknown to me. He gets an idea in his head about how someone is and won't budge from that. No matter what she does, he won't ever get over that opinion of her. Which I guess I can't really judge him for, because there are people in his life that I literally cannot force myself to approve of, no matter how many redeeming qualities he tells me they have. At any rate, seeing H is just costing me money (that I don't have enough of) and time (which I do have plenty of) and causing me stress (which I don't need ANY of!) so I emailed her to cancel tomorrow's appointment, but I don't know if she got it or not. Guess we'll see.
Same thing goes for my dietitian. She gave me lots of information about how many calories I "should" be eating (2500) and what kinds of foods I should be eating (not fat-free foods. Imagine that) and costing me $95 per session to do that. She told me she'd give me some forms to send to my insurance for reimbursement, because she doesn't bill insurance herself, but she never did so I had to email her to bug her about them today. I think I'll cancel my next appointment with her, too, just because it's not helping me. I feel like she raised my exchanges too high too fast, and scared me. I was drinking 1% milk and eating low fat (1.5% milkfat) yogurt, but now I only drink skim and eat non-fat yogurt again because her meal plan scared the shit out of me. Awesome.
Despite that all, I feel like a balloon. My skin feels like it's stretching all over my body, not just in my abdomen. It feels tight. I hate it. I want to crawl right OUT of it! And crawl back in in November, just to push this kid out and have my body back again. Except I won't even get it back then because I'll have to nurse the baby... sigh. Which I do want to do, I really really do. But... it's just so fucking HARD.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
South Dakota Pictures May 18-May 21
Here are some pictures from my 2-day South Dakota trip the other day, NOT including the tornado in Denver, CO on the way back (see previous post "We All Hid in the Bathrooms" for the story on that one!) Enjoy the randomness that is Vermillion, SD! Lol.
Sunday, May 18, 2014 - Travel
Our first jet, Portland to Denver. This poor little plane got
buffeted by the craziest winds and wake turbulence
on the way into DIA. We landed with a thud and the
flight attendant said, "Everyone okay?"
I do love a cute little CRJ. It had 2 rows of 2 seats. The guy
behind me really reeked of booze. Ew! This plane
was also absolutely FREEZING cold.
This is the best tea EVER! Decaf cinnamon rooibos
tea from Caribou Coffee (in the Denver Airport)
The 2nd plane, an Embraer-something. Even smaller
than the CRJ! One row of one seat and
one row of two. That's my mom at the
very left edge (blue fleece). Unlike the
CRJ, this plane was really hot!
Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Grandma's House
Found this fossil in Grandma's den (aka my bedroom).
Look how old this thing looks! And yes, you know
I did go play with it right after this.
Five, six, pick up sticks.
We gave Grandma the choice of where to go to
lunch on Tuesday. She picked Dairy Queen.
Of course! How cute is she??
We went for a drive to the Missouri River. That's
actually an island across the way, not the
opposite bank. It's really big!
(photo credit: my mom)
Me.
(photo credit: my mom)
I told my mom to pose and this is what she did. LOL!
Pano from the dock.
Found some old photos. This is me at around age 3.
4th grade school photo (age 9.) I don't look
very happy! And I actually remember
that T shirt. I loved it.
Wednesday, May 21 - Travel
(this was the day of the tornado)
Another little Embraer-something. This little thing got
us to Denver just in the nick of time to avoid flying
through the thunderstorm that dropped tornadoes
and hail on us a little later.
At the Sioux Falls airport, I was sleepy and laying on
my bag. Can you believe I have the ability
to pack carry-on?? I do!
Those are Dramamine pills. I don't often get airsick,
but with my stomach being not quite right from the
pregnancy, I thought it best not to take chances!
Lol!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
We All Hid in the Bathrooms
Yesterday was a crazy, crazy, very long day. But first, I need to back up just a little!
On Friday of last week, my mom called me. She and I had been trying to plan a time to go to South Dakota to see my Grandma, who is 99 years old. I hadn't seen Grandma since Christmas 2012 (see posts in December of that year for more on that trip.) Since that time, Grandma has fallen in her home and now requires 24 hour "companion care." This just means that there is someone at her house at all times, even overnight, to help her with daily things like getting dressed, bathing, going to the bathroom, walking around, etc. However, as of late, Grandma has started refusing to get dressed, bathe, or even get out of bed sometimes. She's also been reading the bible a lot more, and making cryptic comments like, "Well, you'd better come soon," when people talk about coming to see her.
So on Friday, May 16, my mom called and said, "Can you go on Sunday?"
I said, "As in the day after tomorrow, Sunday?"
"Yes."
"Well.. sure!"
So off we went. I was a bit nervous about it because I'd had some more random spotting on Saturday, but it miraculously quit by Sunday morning. So I went anyway.
Now, I should take a minute to mention that I've been flying to South Dakota nearly every summer for my whole life. As long as I can remember, once or twice a year, we make the trek to South Dakota which consists of 2 flights and about an hour drive. In the summertime, it is a PAIN. Especially when you fly through Denver, Colorado, which we always seem to do nowadays. We used to fly through Minneapolis or Chicago, but lately it's been Denver every time.
Denver is notorious for thunderstorms and weather related delays. At least in my opinion it is. I swear to god, every time we fly through there between May and August, we get delayed like crazy because of thunder. So I found it nothing short of a miracle when we flew into and out of Denver, CO, on time Sunday, May 18. (The approach was extremely bumpy, but that might have just been wake turbulence. It was crazy! The wings were dipping all over the place almost up until we touched wheels to tarmac. When we finally bounced down and slowed, the flight attendant said on the mic, "Everyone okay?" Lol.)
My iPhone showed thunderstorms forecasted for the afternoon of May 21 (yesterday.) Our flight out of Sioux Falls was scheduled for about noon. It's roughly a one hour and ten minute flight, with a one hour backwards time difference. So basically we arrived in Denver about the same time we left Sioux Falls (12:15pm.) According to my phone, the thunder was supposed to come in around 1:00pm. As we walked to find food, I passed a TSA agent whose walkie-talkie was blaring about a tornado watch, in effect until about 3:00pm. That morning, my grandma's caregiver had been telling us that there was supposed to be tornado watches and warnings for Denver. "Great," I said to my mom. "We might have to deal with a tornado too."
This might be a good time to let you all know that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of tornadoes! When I was in the 4th grade I did a report on tornadoes. Big mistake! That following summer, we were in South Dakota at a hotel for a family reunion and I looked at the sky one day and said, "Mom there's going to be a tornado!" She didn't believe me, told me to stop saying that because I was scaring my sister, etc. The sky turned green, the clouds came down really low, lightning and thunder, sirens, hotel pool evacuation, wind wind WIND! Now, when I tell her there is going to be a tornado, she believes me!
I've had countless nightmares about tornadoes. It's not the same dream, but always similar. I'm in a car or a building, usually with other people, and see that funnel cloud come pawing its way down out of the clouds, light on the ground with a puff of dirt, and come roaring towards us. And we can't get away.
Those nightmares very nearly became a reality yesterday! We were sitting by the window (not smart, I know) watching the thunderstorm, drinking Cinnamon Rooibos tea from Caribou Coffee, when to my intense horror the sirens went off! My mom leaped to her feet, almost spilling her tea. I didn't move at all. A voice came on the system. It said:
"May I have your attention please. The National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning that includes Denver International Airport, it's terminals and concourses. Please remain alert for further instruction."
This message repeated three times. So we just stayed where we were. I was looking out the window and the sky didn't look that bad. It wasn't green, I didn't see humongous dark thunderheads hanging down towards the earth like I had before. Nothing looked ready to drop on us. I could see some lightning but the clouds seemed to be moving to the southwest, away from DIA.
My mom said she had to go to the bathroom so we got up to walk over there. (Personally, I think she was just nervous and the bathrooms are where the tornado shelters are.) So we walked across the concourse... and as we did I looked out the window on the other side.
It was my nightmare.
All I could see out that window was a giant wall of black. If the clouds had a sound effect just then, it would have been snarling like a lion about to pounce. Gray tendrils of clouds hung down, batting at the earth, like tentacles off a squid. They taunted us on the ground. I'm gonna getcha.... I'm gonna getcha! Better run! A huge piece of gray cloud came down toward the earth and then went back up. Just kidding... making sure you're paying attention. The clouds writhed and squirmed, low in the sky.
As we stood there, agog, TSA agents came speed-walking down the moving sidewalks in the center of the concourse, calling out, "Bathrooms and stairwells please! This is an active tornado! Bathrooms and stairwells, right now!"
My mom and I went into a women's bathroom with a ton of other people. Even men! We all hid out in the bathroom, waiting to either hear destruction or word that it was safe to come out. My mom was in full nervous-chatter mode. Most everyone else wanted to sit quietly, but my mom was trying to make jokes and conversation. Some people were texting on their phones. Some just stood or sat there.
After what felt like forever, but was probably only about 20 minutes, someone said, "So how will we know when we can come out?" This was a good question. There were no airport personnel in the bathroom with us. We thought they'd probably make an announcement but then again they hadn't made any announcement on the loudspeaker about going into the bathrooms, so maybe an airport employee would come in and tell us. Someone said that somebody should go look out the door, but for whatever reason nobody wanted to do that.
So I went! I walked to the door of the bathroom, and looked out. Everyone was just walking around like normal out there! I went back in.
"Everyone is walking around like normal!" I said.
"Like with their suitcases?" "In the concourse?" "Everyone's out?"
"Yes," I answered, and as I said that, the loudspeaker came to life.
"May I have your attention please. The tornado is no longer a threat."
Everyone came streaming out of the bathrooms and stairwells everywhere. We walked up to the Departures board only to find that our flight was canceled! So we got to sit around the Denver airport for an extra 6 hours, and finally got home after 10:00pm.
Someday, when my kid is older and wants me to tell him/her a story, he/she will say, "Mommy tell me about the time that you were pregnant with me and you and Grandma had to hide in a bathroom from a tornado...."
On Friday of last week, my mom called me. She and I had been trying to plan a time to go to South Dakota to see my Grandma, who is 99 years old. I hadn't seen Grandma since Christmas 2012 (see posts in December of that year for more on that trip.) Since that time, Grandma has fallen in her home and now requires 24 hour "companion care." This just means that there is someone at her house at all times, even overnight, to help her with daily things like getting dressed, bathing, going to the bathroom, walking around, etc. However, as of late, Grandma has started refusing to get dressed, bathe, or even get out of bed sometimes. She's also been reading the bible a lot more, and making cryptic comments like, "Well, you'd better come soon," when people talk about coming to see her.
So on Friday, May 16, my mom called and said, "Can you go on Sunday?"
I said, "As in the day after tomorrow, Sunday?"
"Yes."
"Well.. sure!"
So off we went. I was a bit nervous about it because I'd had some more random spotting on Saturday, but it miraculously quit by Sunday morning. So I went anyway.
Now, I should take a minute to mention that I've been flying to South Dakota nearly every summer for my whole life. As long as I can remember, once or twice a year, we make the trek to South Dakota which consists of 2 flights and about an hour drive. In the summertime, it is a PAIN. Especially when you fly through Denver, Colorado, which we always seem to do nowadays. We used to fly through Minneapolis or Chicago, but lately it's been Denver every time.
Denver is notorious for thunderstorms and weather related delays. At least in my opinion it is. I swear to god, every time we fly through there between May and August, we get delayed like crazy because of thunder. So I found it nothing short of a miracle when we flew into and out of Denver, CO, on time Sunday, May 18. (The approach was extremely bumpy, but that might have just been wake turbulence. It was crazy! The wings were dipping all over the place almost up until we touched wheels to tarmac. When we finally bounced down and slowed, the flight attendant said on the mic, "Everyone okay?" Lol.)
My iPhone showed thunderstorms forecasted for the afternoon of May 21 (yesterday.) Our flight out of Sioux Falls was scheduled for about noon. It's roughly a one hour and ten minute flight, with a one hour backwards time difference. So basically we arrived in Denver about the same time we left Sioux Falls (12:15pm.) According to my phone, the thunder was supposed to come in around 1:00pm. As we walked to find food, I passed a TSA agent whose walkie-talkie was blaring about a tornado watch, in effect until about 3:00pm. That morning, my grandma's caregiver had been telling us that there was supposed to be tornado watches and warnings for Denver. "Great," I said to my mom. "We might have to deal with a tornado too."
This might be a good time to let you all know that I am absolutely TERRIFIED of tornadoes! When I was in the 4th grade I did a report on tornadoes. Big mistake! That following summer, we were in South Dakota at a hotel for a family reunion and I looked at the sky one day and said, "Mom there's going to be a tornado!" She didn't believe me, told me to stop saying that because I was scaring my sister, etc. The sky turned green, the clouds came down really low, lightning and thunder, sirens, hotel pool evacuation, wind wind WIND! Now, when I tell her there is going to be a tornado, she believes me!
I've had countless nightmares about tornadoes. It's not the same dream, but always similar. I'm in a car or a building, usually with other people, and see that funnel cloud come pawing its way down out of the clouds, light on the ground with a puff of dirt, and come roaring towards us. And we can't get away.
Those nightmares very nearly became a reality yesterday! We were sitting by the window (not smart, I know) watching the thunderstorm, drinking Cinnamon Rooibos tea from Caribou Coffee, when to my intense horror the sirens went off! My mom leaped to her feet, almost spilling her tea. I didn't move at all. A voice came on the system. It said:
"May I have your attention please. The National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning that includes Denver International Airport, it's terminals and concourses. Please remain alert for further instruction."
This message repeated three times. So we just stayed where we were. I was looking out the window and the sky didn't look that bad. It wasn't green, I didn't see humongous dark thunderheads hanging down towards the earth like I had before. Nothing looked ready to drop on us. I could see some lightning but the clouds seemed to be moving to the southwest, away from DIA.
My mom said she had to go to the bathroom so we got up to walk over there. (Personally, I think she was just nervous and the bathrooms are where the tornado shelters are.) So we walked across the concourse... and as we did I looked out the window on the other side.
It was my nightmare.
All I could see out that window was a giant wall of black. If the clouds had a sound effect just then, it would have been snarling like a lion about to pounce. Gray tendrils of clouds hung down, batting at the earth, like tentacles off a squid. They taunted us on the ground. I'm gonna getcha.... I'm gonna getcha! Better run! A huge piece of gray cloud came down toward the earth and then went back up. Just kidding... making sure you're paying attention. The clouds writhed and squirmed, low in the sky.
(photo credit: my mom)
As we stood there, agog, TSA agents came speed-walking down the moving sidewalks in the center of the concourse, calling out, "Bathrooms and stairwells please! This is an active tornado! Bathrooms and stairwells, right now!"
My mom and I went into a women's bathroom with a ton of other people. Even men! We all hid out in the bathroom, waiting to either hear destruction or word that it was safe to come out. My mom was in full nervous-chatter mode. Most everyone else wanted to sit quietly, but my mom was trying to make jokes and conversation. Some people were texting on their phones. Some just stood or sat there.
After what felt like forever, but was probably only about 20 minutes, someone said, "So how will we know when we can come out?" This was a good question. There were no airport personnel in the bathroom with us. We thought they'd probably make an announcement but then again they hadn't made any announcement on the loudspeaker about going into the bathrooms, so maybe an airport employee would come in and tell us. Someone said that somebody should go look out the door, but for whatever reason nobody wanted to do that.
So I went! I walked to the door of the bathroom, and looked out. Everyone was just walking around like normal out there! I went back in.
"Everyone is walking around like normal!" I said.
"Like with their suitcases?" "In the concourse?" "Everyone's out?"
"Yes," I answered, and as I said that, the loudspeaker came to life.
"May I have your attention please. The tornado is no longer a threat."
Everyone came streaming out of the bathrooms and stairwells everywhere. We walked up to the Departures board only to find that our flight was canceled! So we got to sit around the Denver airport for an extra 6 hours, and finally got home after 10:00pm.
Someday, when my kid is older and wants me to tell him/her a story, he/she will say, "Mommy tell me about the time that you were pregnant with me and you and Grandma had to hide in a bathroom from a tornado...."
(a pic from the internet of May 21 storm in
Denver, Colorado.)
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Unexpected Sentimentality
It's unusual for me to get emotionally attached to a place.
A person? Sure.
An object? Maybe.
A place? Not often.
Occasionally I've felt a strong attachment to a vacation destination, because of how I feel when I'm there. I can remember sitting at a show at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii, and my eyes tearing up because I feared it would be the last time I ever went to Hawaii (long story of why I thought that. Also, it didn't end up being the last time I was there).
I do not have a strong emotional attachment to the house where I grew up. Maybe I should, but I don't. In fact, I used to really dislike being there. Not so much anymore, but a year ago or so, I would avoid going there. Too many tough memories. And I certainly have NO attachment to any of the various and sundry apartments I lived in over the years.
However, I went back to the condo that I just moved out of less than a month ago. I went on Monday with my mom. We had to do some cleaning (washing windows, wiping down the shelves in the fridge, doing the self-clean oven, and so on) and I was horrified to find that my eyes were stinging! For some reason, the sight of the empty condo was enough to make tears come to my eyes. I didn't actually cry, but I felt like it.
Maybe some of it is hormones. They are crazy for sure! But I think I'm also really nostalgic for some things that happened there. I don't know how to explain it except to use the word "nostalgic." I can't say "I miss it" because I don't... it's not like I want my life back the way it was when I lived in the condo. For one thing, I like my house! For another thing, I wouldn't be pregnant.. and I REALLY love this baby! Much more than a condo and anything it could represent.
However.... I can't even think about Fall 2012 without crying. I might as well be honest with you all. My eating disorder is not gone (but I'm pretty sure you all guessed that lol.) It's still very much alive and active, but I just can't obey it right now. I do not know what the next 6 months will bring, or what will happen after the baby is born. But I know that my eating disorder misses Fall 2012 something fierce. And I hear about it ALL. THE. TIME.
On a slightly different, but still related, topic.. I went to the Dietitian yesterday. I don't want to put her name here, so I'll call her G.N. (her initials). She's really nice! I really like her. She calls me sweetie and reminds me of a mom. Her office is in her home, which is being renovated, so there's drapes and plastic and fans everywhere. It's an old house in Northeast Portland on a really cool, old, tree-lined residential street. Kind of a pain in the ass to get to since I have to take Hwy 217, Hwy 26, I-405, and I-84 to get there (and all except the first of those are traffic laden at any time of day) but I like her so much I think it will be worth it.
Having said that, though... oh man... is she off her rocker a little? She wants me eating 2,500 calories a day! I tried REALLY hard not to turn very pale at the mention of such a number. She asked me how many calories I was eating before I got pregnant. I told her I really had no idea. She told me to guess. So I said about 1,000-1,200, maybe 1,500 on a "cheat day." She gave me a look but didn't ask about cheat days, thank god. Then she asked how many calories I am eating now that I am pregnant. I said, probably between 1,500 and 1,800. Which I thought was a GOOD number! She clucked her tongue and shook her head for a long time. Guess it wasn't such a good number.
I told her about the nutrition info I was given, and how they said a) eat 300-400 extra calories per day and b) eat 2,500-2,700 calories per day and how I couldn't reconcile those two. She said they're actually both right. I said, "So you mean to tell me that the recommended daily intake for women is 2,100 to 2,300 calories per day?" She said, "Yes." WHAT? She said for someone my height and age, I should be eating between 2,200 and 2,400 calories per day, even just working out "normally" (whatever that means.)
I told her how when I was in that one treatment place (see post "2008" about that) they gave me 2,400 calories for weight restoration, not maintenance. But I also wasn't allowed to work out at all. She said that was the key. I guess what has been happening is that I've been perpetually in the mindset of "lose weight" instead of "maintain weight" that of course even 1,800-2,000 calories sounds ridiculously high to me. Not that I think I need to eat 2,500 calories... oh no! 2,000 sure. 2,200 maybe. 2,500? You're out of your mind. She told me to "aim for that" and see how it goes. She wants me to track my food. UGH! I HATE DOING THAT!!!! I'm going back to see her on Thursday (I know, that's tomorrow, but I couldn't go on Friday because I have jury duty and I didn't dare wait till next week.) So we'll just see how this goes!
On a much happier and totally unrelated topic, the weather is NICE today! It's HOT! It's supposed to reach about 90F today. I'm happy!!! But... the rain will be back on the weekend. Sigh! But we are almost halfway through May! Spring will not be here forever! Summer has to come eventually. :D
xoxoxoxoxox
A person? Sure.
An object? Maybe.
A place? Not often.
Occasionally I've felt a strong attachment to a vacation destination, because of how I feel when I'm there. I can remember sitting at a show at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii, and my eyes tearing up because I feared it would be the last time I ever went to Hawaii (long story of why I thought that. Also, it didn't end up being the last time I was there).
I do not have a strong emotional attachment to the house where I grew up. Maybe I should, but I don't. In fact, I used to really dislike being there. Not so much anymore, but a year ago or so, I would avoid going there. Too many tough memories. And I certainly have NO attachment to any of the various and sundry apartments I lived in over the years.
However, I went back to the condo that I just moved out of less than a month ago. I went on Monday with my mom. We had to do some cleaning (washing windows, wiping down the shelves in the fridge, doing the self-clean oven, and so on) and I was horrified to find that my eyes were stinging! For some reason, the sight of the empty condo was enough to make tears come to my eyes. I didn't actually cry, but I felt like it.
Maybe some of it is hormones. They are crazy for sure! But I think I'm also really nostalgic for some things that happened there. I don't know how to explain it except to use the word "nostalgic." I can't say "I miss it" because I don't... it's not like I want my life back the way it was when I lived in the condo. For one thing, I like my house! For another thing, I wouldn't be pregnant.. and I REALLY love this baby! Much more than a condo and anything it could represent.
However.... I can't even think about Fall 2012 without crying. I might as well be honest with you all. My eating disorder is not gone (but I'm pretty sure you all guessed that lol.) It's still very much alive and active, but I just can't obey it right now. I do not know what the next 6 months will bring, or what will happen after the baby is born. But I know that my eating disorder misses Fall 2012 something fierce. And I hear about it ALL. THE. TIME.
On a slightly different, but still related, topic.. I went to the Dietitian yesterday. I don't want to put her name here, so I'll call her G.N. (her initials). She's really nice! I really like her. She calls me sweetie and reminds me of a mom. Her office is in her home, which is being renovated, so there's drapes and plastic and fans everywhere. It's an old house in Northeast Portland on a really cool, old, tree-lined residential street. Kind of a pain in the ass to get to since I have to take Hwy 217, Hwy 26, I-405, and I-84 to get there (and all except the first of those are traffic laden at any time of day) but I like her so much I think it will be worth it.
Having said that, though... oh man... is she off her rocker a little? She wants me eating 2,500 calories a day! I tried REALLY hard not to turn very pale at the mention of such a number. She asked me how many calories I was eating before I got pregnant. I told her I really had no idea. She told me to guess. So I said about 1,000-1,200, maybe 1,500 on a "cheat day." She gave me a look but didn't ask about cheat days, thank god. Then she asked how many calories I am eating now that I am pregnant. I said, probably between 1,500 and 1,800. Which I thought was a GOOD number! She clucked her tongue and shook her head for a long time. Guess it wasn't such a good number.
I told her about the nutrition info I was given, and how they said a) eat 300-400 extra calories per day and b) eat 2,500-2,700 calories per day and how I couldn't reconcile those two. She said they're actually both right. I said, "So you mean to tell me that the recommended daily intake for women is 2,100 to 2,300 calories per day?" She said, "Yes." WHAT? She said for someone my height and age, I should be eating between 2,200 and 2,400 calories per day, even just working out "normally" (whatever that means.)
I told her how when I was in that one treatment place (see post "2008" about that) they gave me 2,400 calories for weight restoration, not maintenance. But I also wasn't allowed to work out at all. She said that was the key. I guess what has been happening is that I've been perpetually in the mindset of "lose weight" instead of "maintain weight" that of course even 1,800-2,000 calories sounds ridiculously high to me. Not that I think I need to eat 2,500 calories... oh no! 2,000 sure. 2,200 maybe. 2,500? You're out of your mind. She told me to "aim for that" and see how it goes. She wants me to track my food. UGH! I HATE DOING THAT!!!! I'm going back to see her on Thursday (I know, that's tomorrow, but I couldn't go on Friday because I have jury duty and I didn't dare wait till next week.) So we'll just see how this goes!
On a much happier and totally unrelated topic, the weather is NICE today! It's HOT! It's supposed to reach about 90F today. I'm happy!!! But... the rain will be back on the weekend. Sigh! But we are almost halfway through May! Spring will not be here forever! Summer has to come eventually. :D
xoxoxoxoxox
Monday, May 12, 2014
12 Week Ultrasound
Well... it's my kid all right!
Today at the ultrasound, we were doing the first part of a 2-part genetic screening test. The first part is an ultrasound at 12-13 weeks, the second part is a blood test, I believe at 18 weeks or so. They had to measure something called the Nuchal Translucency or something like that. Basically, the ultrasound lady measured the distance of a small, blurry area on the back of the baby's head.
To be honest with you, I don't know how the ultrasound specialists know what the heck they're looking at! I can see the baby, but I couldn't point out my ovaries if my life depended on it. It's all gray and blobby, and it all looks the same to me!
Anyway, the baby was upside down, facedown in my uterus, not moving. I was worried about it, but I could see the heartbeat, so I guessed it was just asleep.
"Is it asleep?" I asked.
"I think so. We need baby to wake up and flip over!"
"Want me to stand on my head?"
The lady started laughing. "Maybe! I'll let you know."
Gentle prodding didn't entice the baby to move at all. Stubborn little thing! "It's my kid all right," I joked.
She had me cough a few times, in an effort to wake the baby up. Apparently the coughing makes your abdominal muscles contract sharply, which often will wake up the fetus. Two coughs and some persistent poking with the ultrasound wand successfully woke up the baby. He/she flipped quickly onto his/her back... and promptly threw a fit! Those little arms and legs were going crazy!! Clearly that baby was not pleased about being awakened so rudely.
His/her little hands were moving all around. We could see all 10 fingers. So cute! Finally, the baby settled down long enough for the lady to get some good measurements. She printed us out like 6 or 7 ultrasound pictures. It's really getting cute now! You can see its' profile, and now it really looks like a baby (not so much like a gummy bear.) The heart rate was normal (one hundred and fifty-something beats per minute) and it measured correctly for just over 12 weeks. Maybe a little big, actually!
A few weeks back, I had told the fetus, "If you can just hang on until 12 weeks, and have a good ultrasound, I'll buy you your first stuffed animal!" So after the appointment, Corky and I went to Toys R Us to pick a stuffed animal. We found two whole aisles of them! FAO Schwartz had a huge selection. I wanted to get the baby an elephant toy, but Corky said they were too big. He then chose a koala bear that was just as big as the elephant (funny how size no longer was an issue), but I didn't want that. It would have been twice as big as the newborn! We found teddy bears, dogs, kittens, everything in either baby blue or baby pink. Since we don't know the gender, we couldn't choose either of those.
I crouched down and was looking on the very bottom shelf. I spied something olive green near the back. I reached in and pulled out..... this!
"What the heck is this?" I said, laughing. At first I thought it was a toucan, then I thought maybe it was a dinosaur. "It's PERFECT!" Corky shouted. So that was, of course, the one we bought. It's ridiculous and weird, but it's adorable.
Today at the ultrasound, we were doing the first part of a 2-part genetic screening test. The first part is an ultrasound at 12-13 weeks, the second part is a blood test, I believe at 18 weeks or so. They had to measure something called the Nuchal Translucency or something like that. Basically, the ultrasound lady measured the distance of a small, blurry area on the back of the baby's head.
To be honest with you, I don't know how the ultrasound specialists know what the heck they're looking at! I can see the baby, but I couldn't point out my ovaries if my life depended on it. It's all gray and blobby, and it all looks the same to me!
Anyway, the baby was upside down, facedown in my uterus, not moving. I was worried about it, but I could see the heartbeat, so I guessed it was just asleep.
"Is it asleep?" I asked.
"I think so. We need baby to wake up and flip over!"
"Want me to stand on my head?"
The lady started laughing. "Maybe! I'll let you know."
Gentle prodding didn't entice the baby to move at all. Stubborn little thing! "It's my kid all right," I joked.
She had me cough a few times, in an effort to wake the baby up. Apparently the coughing makes your abdominal muscles contract sharply, which often will wake up the fetus. Two coughs and some persistent poking with the ultrasound wand successfully woke up the baby. He/she flipped quickly onto his/her back... and promptly threw a fit! Those little arms and legs were going crazy!! Clearly that baby was not pleased about being awakened so rudely.
His/her little hands were moving all around. We could see all 10 fingers. So cute! Finally, the baby settled down long enough for the lady to get some good measurements. She printed us out like 6 or 7 ultrasound pictures. It's really getting cute now! You can see its' profile, and now it really looks like a baby (not so much like a gummy bear.) The heart rate was normal (one hundred and fifty-something beats per minute) and it measured correctly for just over 12 weeks. Maybe a little big, actually!
A few weeks back, I had told the fetus, "If you can just hang on until 12 weeks, and have a good ultrasound, I'll buy you your first stuffed animal!" So after the appointment, Corky and I went to Toys R Us to pick a stuffed animal. We found two whole aisles of them! FAO Schwartz had a huge selection. I wanted to get the baby an elephant toy, but Corky said they were too big. He then chose a koala bear that was just as big as the elephant (funny how size no longer was an issue), but I didn't want that. It would have been twice as big as the newborn! We found teddy bears, dogs, kittens, everything in either baby blue or baby pink. Since we don't know the gender, we couldn't choose either of those.
I crouched down and was looking on the very bottom shelf. I spied something olive green near the back. I reached in and pulled out..... this!
"What the heck is this?" I said, laughing. At first I thought it was a toucan, then I thought maybe it was a dinosaur. "It's PERFECT!" Corky shouted. So that was, of course, the one we bought. It's ridiculous and weird, but it's adorable.
Friday, May 9, 2014
2008
I was watching a video just now that was uploaded to YouTube in 2008. It had some little inserted pictures of journal entries written by the girl whose video it was. They were dated like March, April, May, September, December of 2008. My mind flew to 2008 and where I was.
2008 was an awfully difficult, strange, blurry year for me. When 2009 came around, I couldn't have been happier to bid good riddance to 2008. I was in Intensive Outpatient (IOP) at a particularly horrible eating disorder clinic here in Portland from October 1st to December 21st, 2007, so when I discharged from there, 2008 sneaked up fast.
The ED clinic I was at put 40 lb on me in 12 weeks time. They did basically nothing to fix my mindset. This was the basis for the dark, confusing, strange year that 2008 turned out to be. Nothing felt right. I was as sick in my mind as I'd ever been, but now I didn't have the body to match how I felt anymore. I couldn't get my mind around it. I hated myself so intensely. Never before had I felt that way, nor have I felt that way since.
The earliest memories of 2008 I have are around Valentine's Day. I helped my sister throw a Valentine's Party at her house for a bunch of her friends. I was living in an apartment with the person I was dating at the time (and was supremely unhappy with the whole situation.) I remember I wore a black T-shirt that said:
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love you
I Hate You.
Underneath the black T-shirt, I wore a maroon thermal with tiny flowers on it. I can remember severely hating my body. My hair was dyed black. That's really all I can remember about that.
The next memories I have are from the week after Valentine's day. I got a job working at a grocery store. I wanted to work in the Starbucks kiosk but they weren't hiring at the moment. I can remember walking in, marching right up to the GM of the store, holding out my hand and saying, "Hi, I'm Kate, and I want to work in the Starbucks here." I think I surprised him. He told me that the Starbucks wasn't hiring, but the deli was, and if I worked there I could get my foot in the door and be the next one into the Starbucks. I hated working in the deli, but I did it until the end of March. I can remember borrowing a pair of khaki pants from a friend to wear to work in the deli, but because I was starving myself again, they started to get loose and were falling down. I can remember the deli manager making me go to the back to wash dishes because my pants wouldn't stay up and I didn't have a belt.
I remember going to a dietitian who told me she was going to put me on a slow weight loss plan.
All this time, I was losing weight. Slower than I cared to, but it was happening. I remember also having to take my car to the shop for a repair and driving a hideous gold pickup truck around. Katy Perry's first album, One of the Boys, was in the CD player in my car all the time. "I'm Still Breathing" was my emo song of choice. I have a few scattered memories of early Spring, a breakup, my best friend at the time going through a breakup too. I remember going with her to buy her first car. I remember drinking Green Tea Lattes. I remember skipping meals. I remember my dad telling me that peanut butter would make me fat. I remember having an Ab Lounger in my house that was totally useless. And then I moved back home in May of that year, I believe.
I can remember liking a guy from work, having him over to my house when no one was home. He wanted to... do stuff... I wasn't interested. That summer we got a trampoline, and my sister and I jumped on it for hours. We did flips, tricks, played the Genie game and Pop the Corn. That August my bestie G from Canada came to visit. When I look back at pictures from that summer I am utterly horrified by how I looked.
Sometime that year my mom took me to see Dr. K, an ED doctor. My memory doesn't serve well here because I seem to remember her being concerned that I was dropping weight, but the pictures tell a different story. But I distinctly remember, by September of that year, being told I needed to not drop so much weight. I remember wearing basketball shorts and Ugg boots to a therapy session. I remember eating a muffin in the car that my mom got me from the lobby of my ED doctor's office because I refused to eat breakfast that morning.
By November of that year, things were getting better. I have memories of sitting on the floor in front of my full length mirror, staring at myself, willing the weight to go away. December, my family went on vacation to Sunriver, OR, with my friend S and my sister's friend H. I remember hot tubbing in the snow. Right before that vacation was when I discovered I liked Corky, and my friend S was just falling for a guy too (they're now married with 1 cutie pie son who will be 1 in a few weeks.) She helped me pick out clothes at a Macy's in Bend to wear to Las Vegas, which was the 2nd half of our vacation (that S and H were not coming to.) That was my first time in Vegas. My birds were boarding at Pet Barn where Corky worked. That's how that happened.
We spent New Years in Vegas. At midnight, when 2008 left, I was sitting on the floor of my hotel room, eating grilled cheese (I have no idea why), watching the reflection of fireworks off the sides of other buildings. My sister was with me. My dad was playing poker. I don't remember where my mom was. And that was the end of 2008. I was so, so, so happy to see it go.
2008 was an awfully difficult, strange, blurry year for me. When 2009 came around, I couldn't have been happier to bid good riddance to 2008. I was in Intensive Outpatient (IOP) at a particularly horrible eating disorder clinic here in Portland from October 1st to December 21st, 2007, so when I discharged from there, 2008 sneaked up fast.
The ED clinic I was at put 40 lb on me in 12 weeks time. They did basically nothing to fix my mindset. This was the basis for the dark, confusing, strange year that 2008 turned out to be. Nothing felt right. I was as sick in my mind as I'd ever been, but now I didn't have the body to match how I felt anymore. I couldn't get my mind around it. I hated myself so intensely. Never before had I felt that way, nor have I felt that way since.
The earliest memories of 2008 I have are around Valentine's Day. I helped my sister throw a Valentine's Party at her house for a bunch of her friends. I was living in an apartment with the person I was dating at the time (and was supremely unhappy with the whole situation.) I remember I wore a black T-shirt that said:
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love You
I Love you
I Hate You.
Underneath the black T-shirt, I wore a maroon thermal with tiny flowers on it. I can remember severely hating my body. My hair was dyed black. That's really all I can remember about that.
The next memories I have are from the week after Valentine's day. I got a job working at a grocery store. I wanted to work in the Starbucks kiosk but they weren't hiring at the moment. I can remember walking in, marching right up to the GM of the store, holding out my hand and saying, "Hi, I'm Kate, and I want to work in the Starbucks here." I think I surprised him. He told me that the Starbucks wasn't hiring, but the deli was, and if I worked there I could get my foot in the door and be the next one into the Starbucks. I hated working in the deli, but I did it until the end of March. I can remember borrowing a pair of khaki pants from a friend to wear to work in the deli, but because I was starving myself again, they started to get loose and were falling down. I can remember the deli manager making me go to the back to wash dishes because my pants wouldn't stay up and I didn't have a belt.
I remember going to a dietitian who told me she was going to put me on a slow weight loss plan.
All this time, I was losing weight. Slower than I cared to, but it was happening. I remember also having to take my car to the shop for a repair and driving a hideous gold pickup truck around. Katy Perry's first album, One of the Boys, was in the CD player in my car all the time. "I'm Still Breathing" was my emo song of choice. I have a few scattered memories of early Spring, a breakup, my best friend at the time going through a breakup too. I remember going with her to buy her first car. I remember drinking Green Tea Lattes. I remember skipping meals. I remember my dad telling me that peanut butter would make me fat. I remember having an Ab Lounger in my house that was totally useless. And then I moved back home in May of that year, I believe.
I can remember liking a guy from work, having him over to my house when no one was home. He wanted to... do stuff... I wasn't interested. That summer we got a trampoline, and my sister and I jumped on it for hours. We did flips, tricks, played the Genie game and Pop the Corn. That August my bestie G from Canada came to visit. When I look back at pictures from that summer I am utterly horrified by how I looked.
Sometime that year my mom took me to see Dr. K, an ED doctor. My memory doesn't serve well here because I seem to remember her being concerned that I was dropping weight, but the pictures tell a different story. But I distinctly remember, by September of that year, being told I needed to not drop so much weight. I remember wearing basketball shorts and Ugg boots to a therapy session. I remember eating a muffin in the car that my mom got me from the lobby of my ED doctor's office because I refused to eat breakfast that morning.
By November of that year, things were getting better. I have memories of sitting on the floor in front of my full length mirror, staring at myself, willing the weight to go away. December, my family went on vacation to Sunriver, OR, with my friend S and my sister's friend H. I remember hot tubbing in the snow. Right before that vacation was when I discovered I liked Corky, and my friend S was just falling for a guy too (they're now married with 1 cutie pie son who will be 1 in a few weeks.) She helped me pick out clothes at a Macy's in Bend to wear to Las Vegas, which was the 2nd half of our vacation (that S and H were not coming to.) That was my first time in Vegas. My birds were boarding at Pet Barn where Corky worked. That's how that happened.
We spent New Years in Vegas. At midnight, when 2008 left, I was sitting on the floor of my hotel room, eating grilled cheese (I have no idea why), watching the reflection of fireworks off the sides of other buildings. My sister was with me. My dad was playing poker. I don't remember where my mom was. And that was the end of 2008. I was so, so, so happy to see it go.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Zero
Zero energy. So drained. I'm going to take a bath. Then maybe I can drag my ass out of the house to do some errands LOL! Nothing is wrong - I'm just exhausted. Actually things might be marginally better today, guess we'll have to wait and see!
I have jury duty tomorrow and next Friday. EW!!!! Seriously, I get jury duty ALL THE TIME! Why can't they pick on someone else? Wouldn't it be funny if I had really bad morning sickness, and had to go to jury duty? They don't excuse you from jury duty for anything! You could be like about to lose your job and they'd be like "nope, you still have to come in and appear before the judge." So it would be hilarious if I was like puking all over the place.. "I have morning sickness but you SAID I had to come in!!!" Hahahaha. I have no idea why that thought is so amusing to me, it just is. Alas, I am not that nauseated. Just a little bit. :)
Zero..... zero what? Zero hour? Coke Zero? OMG! I miss Coke Zero!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear, once my kid is born... I am going to have a Vanilla Coke Zero. Mmmmmm! I cannot wait! Probably the caffeine in that will keep me up all night, but it will be worth it (and I'll be up all night anyway I'm sure.) I haven't had any Coke Zero or Diet Coke since March 25th. Whoa! I can't believe I just typed that.
I have jury duty tomorrow and next Friday. EW!!!! Seriously, I get jury duty ALL THE TIME! Why can't they pick on someone else? Wouldn't it be funny if I had really bad morning sickness, and had to go to jury duty? They don't excuse you from jury duty for anything! You could be like about to lose your job and they'd be like "nope, you still have to come in and appear before the judge." So it would be hilarious if I was like puking all over the place.. "I have morning sickness but you SAID I had to come in!!!" Hahahaha. I have no idea why that thought is so amusing to me, it just is. Alas, I am not that nauseated. Just a little bit. :)
Zero..... zero what? Zero hour? Coke Zero? OMG! I miss Coke Zero!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear, once my kid is born... I am going to have a Vanilla Coke Zero. Mmmmmm! I cannot wait! Probably the caffeine in that will keep me up all night, but it will be worth it (and I'll be up all night anyway I'm sure.) I haven't had any Coke Zero or Diet Coke since March 25th. Whoa! I can't believe I just typed that.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Two Things I Forgot To Mention...
On May 2nd, I wrote about how I had a nutritionist appointment coming up on May 20th. Well, less than 10 minutes after I had written that, my phone rang. It was the nutritionist's receptionist calling to let me know that after Dr. R (the nutritionist or dietitian, I forget which one she was) saw that I am pregnant and dealing with an eating disorder, she decided she didn't have the "resources" to help me. And neither did the other dietitian in the clinic.
On the one hand, I get that. I'm sure eating disorders are a pretty difficult area to manage when you're a dietitian. Pregnancy, too, is probably a more complex thing to deal with. I also understand that most dietitians specialize in helping people with diabetes or pre-diabetes, or obesity, and that's great because those things seem to be getting worse and worse all the time in this country.
On the other hand, being a Registered Dietitian isn't exactly like being an oncologist! Granted, I know basically nothing about what it takes to become a specialist, but... my eating disorder really isn't the BIGGEST issue right now (and I did say that over the phone when I made the appointment initially.) The main reason why my eating disorder matters in this situation is actually more by way of an explanation for WHY I'm seeking more extensive nutrition advice than just what I get from my OB.
The second thing I forgot to mention in yesterday's entry was that I have an appointment with my therapist, H, today. I haven't seen her since December. My insurance decided she wasn't helping me much back then and cut me down to once per week, which I knew wouldn't help at all.
I emailed H in April and told her I was pregnant. I knew she would be interested to know that. She said, "Let me know if you want to come back and see me!" I didn't think I would. But the other night I had a huge blow out with Corky. Neither of us is dealing with our stress/anxiety well. So I emailed H and said, "Okay... maybe I want to come back and see you." She said, "Great! How about Tuesday!" Lol. That was easy! The not-so-easy part is that her office moved (again!) and parking is hit-or-miss, so I'm going to have to leave really early and go around and around until I find a spot. Normally I'd just park wherever and walk over there, but with the increase of cramping and spotting I've had over the weekend, I don't really want to walk at all! (I can't believe I just typed those words.)
On the one hand, I get that. I'm sure eating disorders are a pretty difficult area to manage when you're a dietitian. Pregnancy, too, is probably a more complex thing to deal with. I also understand that most dietitians specialize in helping people with diabetes or pre-diabetes, or obesity, and that's great because those things seem to be getting worse and worse all the time in this country.
On the other hand, being a Registered Dietitian isn't exactly like being an oncologist! Granted, I know basically nothing about what it takes to become a specialist, but... my eating disorder really isn't the BIGGEST issue right now (and I did say that over the phone when I made the appointment initially.) The main reason why my eating disorder matters in this situation is actually more by way of an explanation for WHY I'm seeking more extensive nutrition advice than just what I get from my OB.
The second thing I forgot to mention in yesterday's entry was that I have an appointment with my therapist, H, today. I haven't seen her since December. My insurance decided she wasn't helping me much back then and cut me down to once per week, which I knew wouldn't help at all.
I emailed H in April and told her I was pregnant. I knew she would be interested to know that. She said, "Let me know if you want to come back and see me!" I didn't think I would. But the other night I had a huge blow out with Corky. Neither of us is dealing with our stress/anxiety well. So I emailed H and said, "Okay... maybe I want to come back and see you." She said, "Great! How about Tuesday!" Lol. That was easy! The not-so-easy part is that her office moved (again!) and parking is hit-or-miss, so I'm going to have to leave really early and go around and around until I find a spot. Normally I'd just park wherever and walk over there, but with the increase of cramping and spotting I've had over the weekend, I don't really want to walk at all! (I can't believe I just typed those words.)
Monday, May 5, 2014
11 Weeks and a Mini Picture Dump
Morning! Just thought I'd do a picture dump since I haven't in a while. Since I've been pregnant, I haven't taken many pictures that I'm actually IN, just because I feel like a whale. But.. there's a few here.
I've been having a little more spotting this week, but the cramping is sure better. I really have no idea what to make of it. It's stressful for sure, but... I can't really do anything about it except not work out too much, eat properly, sleep and not stress myself out, right? So I just try to take a "whatever happens happens" kind of approach. Ultimately that's the way everything goes, is it not?
My dad told me on Saturday that I don't look like I've gained a ton of weight, aside from my stomach being a little bigger. I was relieved to hear him say that. I do not believe he would lie to me about that. I know that I have gained weight, and I am "okay" with that. I just don't want to gain too much weight, know what I mean? It makes perfect sense to me that weight gain is necessary and inevitable. Honest to god I am FINE with that. It's the excess weight I'm trying to avoid, if that makes sense to you guys. So I was relieved to hear him tell me that I don't look tons bigger.
And I thought to myself, "how could I be tons bigger anyway?" I don't eat crap food. I don't eat a TON of food (although it sure feels like a ton sometimes.) I haven't really changed the things I eat a whole lot, safe foods are still safe foods and I mostly eat just them. I've increased protein, but usually in the form of grilled chicken, ground turkey or egg whites. No problem, right? So I don't see how I could have gained a massive amount of weight. I've had a craving or two, but I don't give in to them. I think it's evil that I'm craving Subway when I can't have deli meat (unless it's reheated to the point of steaming. EW!) I also really want Chinese food, but I can't have that. Ever. So I eat soup and popcorn and lots of apples and yogurt, and take my disgusting prenatal vitamins every single day. Quite the life. LOL!
Hope you liked the pics. XOXOXO!
A selfie, to prove that I haven't totally
ballooned in weight. (Not that you
guys necessarily thought I had but...
my ED had to prove it to you
anyway!)
Sweet Abigail falling asleep on me. I can't
remember if this was in the new house
or the old one.
My cupcake nails! I got them done yesterday
with my bestie. We match. 5.5.14
Baby ultrasound at 9 weeks (4.21.14)
What a cute little gummy bear!
"The Bump" at 11 weeks.
I've been having a little more spotting this week, but the cramping is sure better. I really have no idea what to make of it. It's stressful for sure, but... I can't really do anything about it except not work out too much, eat properly, sleep and not stress myself out, right? So I just try to take a "whatever happens happens" kind of approach. Ultimately that's the way everything goes, is it not?
My dad told me on Saturday that I don't look like I've gained a ton of weight, aside from my stomach being a little bigger. I was relieved to hear him say that. I do not believe he would lie to me about that. I know that I have gained weight, and I am "okay" with that. I just don't want to gain too much weight, know what I mean? It makes perfect sense to me that weight gain is necessary and inevitable. Honest to god I am FINE with that. It's the excess weight I'm trying to avoid, if that makes sense to you guys. So I was relieved to hear him tell me that I don't look tons bigger.
And I thought to myself, "how could I be tons bigger anyway?" I don't eat crap food. I don't eat a TON of food (although it sure feels like a ton sometimes.) I haven't really changed the things I eat a whole lot, safe foods are still safe foods and I mostly eat just them. I've increased protein, but usually in the form of grilled chicken, ground turkey or egg whites. No problem, right? So I don't see how I could have gained a massive amount of weight. I've had a craving or two, but I don't give in to them. I think it's evil that I'm craving Subway when I can't have deli meat (unless it's reheated to the point of steaming. EW!) I also really want Chinese food, but I can't have that. Ever. So I eat soup and popcorn and lots of apples and yogurt, and take my disgusting prenatal vitamins every single day. Quite the life. LOL!
Hope you liked the pics. XOXOXO!
Friday, May 2, 2014
May!!!!!!
Probably a pretty funny post title for someone who hates Spring as much as I do. But I'm excited that it's May. The reason is that May is closer to June! June is when Summer starts and Spring is OVER! And I don't have to deal with Spring for a whole year!!! (Well, a little under a year, but you get what I'm saying!) May is halfway through Spring. I can make it for another half a season!
I'm also excited it's May because that's closer to November. My fetus will be 11 weeks tomorrow. Cute huh? It should now be about an inch long (tall?) from head to butt. Last night I had a dream that someone told me I looked pregnant. Actually, it was a really weird dream because in the dream I was in ED treatment again, but it didn't look like any treatment place I've ever been to in reality.
One reason why this pregnancy thing is so hard is that literally ALL my coping mechanisms are gone. I do believe that being pregnant, gaining weight, etc, would be hard for anyone, especially in this age and society where body image and weight are so central to the human consciousness. I believe it would be even harder for someone with a history with eating disorders. I believe it would be harder still for someone in recovery from eating disorders. And even harder STILL for someone who is still actively sick (in body and/or mind), as I was/am. Up until the day I saw those 4 blue plus signs, I was still restricting, drinking tons of diet coke, occasionally taking laxatives, chewing & spitting, and exercising like you wouldn't believe. March 24th, that all stopped instantly.
Now, it's May 2nd. I am having a HELL of a time coping with the stress of life plus the anxiety of pregnancy and weight gain and all that. The first few weeks weren't too bad.. not a lot of body changes, plus I was worrying about miscarrying. Now, I'm still a little worried about miscarrying, but there are now lots of body changes and hormone changes to deal with. Up until March 24th, whenever I was stressed out, I'd go to the gym, skip a meal or two, take a few laxatives or chew and spit until my mouth was all cut up. Now... I can't do any of that (except for maybe chew and spit but that somehow just doesn't seem right.) I literally have NONE of my usual coping skills available. Not only do I not have them, they disappeared in a split second, and I didn't have time to try to come up with anything else. I feel like I'm in space! It is absolutely terrifying.
So what am I going to do about that? Yesterday I made two appointments. One was to see my old therapist, H, on Tuesday. The second was with a dietitian, but unfortunately she can't see me until 5/20! Well... that's the best they could do, so I guess I'll have to take it. I was peeved, though, because the reason they couldn't see me any earlier was because the "intake" appointment need to be 90 minutes long and she didn't have any 90 minute slots open until then! I was like, "can't it just be shorter and I can come in sooner?" "No." Well, okay then!
I was also incredibly pissed the other day when I called my insurance to find out which dietitians were covered and they told me that they only cover FIVE eating disorder related RD visits PER LIFETIME!!!!!!!!! I almost dropped my phone on the floor. I said, "do you know what 'chronic anorexia' means?? It means I am going to need way more than 5 visits in my lifetime. I'm only 26!" But of course there wasn't anything the lady could do about it. Besides that, I was already pissy because I had been on hold for an hour and 6 minutes! Gotta love Obamacare!
ANYWAY!!!! Enough about that. It's Friday, that's exciting. Cinco De Mayo festival is here this weekend, but it's supposed to rain. Boo!!!
have a fantastic weekend!! xoxoxo :)
I'm also excited it's May because that's closer to November. My fetus will be 11 weeks tomorrow. Cute huh? It should now be about an inch long (tall?) from head to butt. Last night I had a dream that someone told me I looked pregnant. Actually, it was a really weird dream because in the dream I was in ED treatment again, but it didn't look like any treatment place I've ever been to in reality.
One reason why this pregnancy thing is so hard is that literally ALL my coping mechanisms are gone. I do believe that being pregnant, gaining weight, etc, would be hard for anyone, especially in this age and society where body image and weight are so central to the human consciousness. I believe it would be even harder for someone with a history with eating disorders. I believe it would be harder still for someone in recovery from eating disorders. And even harder STILL for someone who is still actively sick (in body and/or mind), as I was/am. Up until the day I saw those 4 blue plus signs, I was still restricting, drinking tons of diet coke, occasionally taking laxatives, chewing & spitting, and exercising like you wouldn't believe. March 24th, that all stopped instantly.
Now, it's May 2nd. I am having a HELL of a time coping with the stress of life plus the anxiety of pregnancy and weight gain and all that. The first few weeks weren't too bad.. not a lot of body changes, plus I was worrying about miscarrying. Now, I'm still a little worried about miscarrying, but there are now lots of body changes and hormone changes to deal with. Up until March 24th, whenever I was stressed out, I'd go to the gym, skip a meal or two, take a few laxatives or chew and spit until my mouth was all cut up. Now... I can't do any of that (except for maybe chew and spit but that somehow just doesn't seem right.) I literally have NONE of my usual coping skills available. Not only do I not have them, they disappeared in a split second, and I didn't have time to try to come up with anything else. I feel like I'm in space! It is absolutely terrifying.
So what am I going to do about that? Yesterday I made two appointments. One was to see my old therapist, H, on Tuesday. The second was with a dietitian, but unfortunately she can't see me until 5/20! Well... that's the best they could do, so I guess I'll have to take it. I was peeved, though, because the reason they couldn't see me any earlier was because the "intake" appointment need to be 90 minutes long and she didn't have any 90 minute slots open until then! I was like, "can't it just be shorter and I can come in sooner?" "No." Well, okay then!
I was also incredibly pissed the other day when I called my insurance to find out which dietitians were covered and they told me that they only cover FIVE eating disorder related RD visits PER LIFETIME!!!!!!!!! I almost dropped my phone on the floor. I said, "do you know what 'chronic anorexia' means?? It means I am going to need way more than 5 visits in my lifetime. I'm only 26!" But of course there wasn't anything the lady could do about it. Besides that, I was already pissy because I had been on hold for an hour and 6 minutes! Gotta love Obamacare!
ANYWAY!!!! Enough about that. It's Friday, that's exciting. Cinco De Mayo festival is here this weekend, but it's supposed to rain. Boo!!!
have a fantastic weekend!! xoxoxo :)
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