It's unusual for me to get emotionally attached to a place.
A person? Sure.
An object? Maybe.
A place? Not often.
Occasionally I've felt a strong attachment to a vacation destination, because of how I feel when I'm there. I can remember sitting at a show at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii, and my eyes tearing up because I feared it would be the last time I ever went to Hawaii (long story of why I thought that. Also, it didn't end up being the last time I was there).
I do not have a strong emotional attachment to the house where I grew up. Maybe I should, but I don't. In fact, I used to really dislike being there. Not so much anymore, but a year ago or so, I would avoid going there. Too many tough memories. And I certainly have NO attachment to any of the various and sundry apartments I lived in over the years.
However, I went back to the condo that I just moved out of less than a month ago. I went on Monday with my mom. We had to do some cleaning (washing windows, wiping down the shelves in the fridge, doing the self-clean oven, and so on) and I was horrified to find that my eyes were stinging! For some reason, the sight of the empty condo was enough to make tears come to my eyes. I didn't actually cry, but I felt like it.
Maybe some of it is hormones. They are crazy for sure! But I think I'm also really nostalgic for some things that happened there. I don't know how to explain it except to use the word "nostalgic." I can't say "I miss it" because I don't... it's not like I want my life back the way it was when I lived in the condo. For one thing, I like my house! For another thing, I wouldn't be pregnant.. and I REALLY love this baby! Much more than a condo and anything it could represent.
However.... I can't even think about Fall 2012 without crying. I might as well be honest with you all. My eating disorder is not gone (but I'm pretty sure you all guessed that lol.) It's still very much alive and active, but I just can't obey it right now. I do not know what the next 6 months will bring, or what will happen after the baby is born. But I know that my eating disorder misses Fall 2012 something fierce. And I hear about it ALL. THE. TIME.
On a slightly different, but still related, topic.. I went to the Dietitian yesterday. I don't want to put her name here, so I'll call her G.N. (her initials). She's really nice! I really like her. She calls me sweetie and reminds me of a mom. Her office is in her home, which is being renovated, so there's drapes and plastic and fans everywhere. It's an old house in Northeast Portland on a really cool, old, tree-lined residential street. Kind of a pain in the ass to get to since I have to take Hwy 217, Hwy 26, I-405, and I-84 to get there (and all except the first of those are traffic laden at any time of day) but I like her so much I think it will be worth it.
Having said that, though... oh man... is she off her rocker a little? She wants me eating 2,500 calories a day! I tried REALLY hard not to turn very pale at the mention of such a number. She asked me how many calories I was eating before I got pregnant. I told her I really had no idea. She told me to guess. So I said about 1,000-1,200, maybe 1,500 on a "cheat day." She gave me a look but didn't ask about cheat days, thank god. Then she asked how many calories I am eating now that I am pregnant. I said, probably between 1,500 and 1,800. Which I thought was a GOOD number! She clucked her tongue and shook her head for a long time. Guess it wasn't such a good number.
I told her about the nutrition info I was given, and how they said a) eat 300-400 extra calories per day and b) eat 2,500-2,700 calories per day and how I couldn't reconcile those two. She said they're actually both right. I said, "So you mean to tell me that the recommended daily intake for women is 2,100 to 2,300 calories per day?" She said, "Yes." WHAT? She said for someone my height and age, I should be eating between 2,200 and 2,400 calories per day, even just working out "normally" (whatever that means.)
I told her how when I was in that one treatment place (see post "2008" about that) they gave me 2,400 calories for weight restoration, not maintenance. But I also wasn't allowed to work out at all. She said that was the key. I guess what has been happening is that I've been perpetually in the mindset of "lose weight" instead of "maintain weight" that of course even 1,800-2,000 calories sounds ridiculously high to me. Not that I think I need to eat 2,500 calories... oh no! 2,000 sure. 2,200 maybe. 2,500? You're out of your mind. She told me to "aim for that" and see how it goes. She wants me to track my food. UGH! I HATE DOING THAT!!!! I'm going back to see her on Thursday (I know, that's tomorrow, but I couldn't go on Friday because I have jury duty and I didn't dare wait till next week.) So we'll just see how this goes!
On a much happier and totally unrelated topic, the weather is NICE today! It's HOT! It's supposed to reach about 90F today. I'm happy!!! But... the rain will be back on the weekend. Sigh! But we are almost halfway through May! Spring will not be here forever! Summer has to come eventually. :D
xoxoxoxoxox
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