Sick, Pain, Anxiety and L&D in Hawaii

Short post, probably.  I'm exhausted.

Wednesday morning I started having cramping in my lower back, and a little in my abdomen.  I thought I was just "backed up" if you get what I'm saying.  It didn't really go away, though.  Then this morning I woke up at 4:30am with horrible cramping pains in my mid-upper stomach.  Honestly it felt like when I used to abuse laxatives.  Mara was kicking though, so I wasn't too worried...

... until my entire digestive tract from the navel down decided to empty itself!  THAT was not fun.  It happened twice more after that too.  I managed to fall back asleep until about 8am, and when I woke up I could tell I had a low-grade fever.

At breakfast I wasn't hungry.  I called the advice nurse after breakfast, at the urging of my parents, and of course she told me to go be seen at the ER just to make sure nothing was happening.

Went to the ER, monitor hooked up, and Mara was kicking like crazy!!  The nurse even said at one point, "You are such a wiggle worm!  Your poor mommy!"  Lol.  Her heartrate was a pretty steady 150bpm and she looked great on the ultrasound.  She weighs 2lb 13oz!  Nobody could figure out a real reason for my back pain though, except to say "it's normal pregnancy pain."

I am not convinced.  Maybe it is, and maybe I just have a touch of a stomach bug too which is causing abdominal discomfort.  I really don't know for sure.  All I know is that I'm in agony but I don't care at all and would gladly deal with this pain until November as long as Mara is okay.  Love that little girl. :)

Parrot-Dise (Hello from Hawaii!)

The title of this post is the clever name of my very favorite business in all of Waikiki.  ParrotDise consists of this guy and his 6 parrots of varying types: 2 cockatoos (one Moluccan, one umbrella), 2 macaws (one blue & gold, one green wing), an orange winged Amazon and a male Solomon Island Eclectus (my favorite parrot).  He has this huge beach umbrella with perches sticking out of the pole, and he stands there right on Waikiki Beach and people pay to have their pictures taken with the parrots!  

My sister and I did it yesterday.  We stood in the hot sun, on the hot sand, in our bikinis with fabric leis around our necks and birds all over us, a camera snapping in our faces while beachgoers looked on from all around.  We must have stood there for 20 minutes straight!  The guy was hilarious and kept telling my sister to smile bigger.  "More teeth!" He would say.  He also mispronounced her name about 3,000 times, giving it a long A instead of a short A.  We stood there so long my cheeks hurt and I had bird claw marks on my wrist for the rest of the day!  Not that I minded.  You know how I feel about birds!  I love them, talons and all.

My anxiety has been at an all-time high these last few days.  Every ache, pain, twinge, drip or new sensation has me all worried.  In fact, I've been up at 5am both days we've been here because I'm too worried to sleep.  Is Mara moving?  When was the last time?  Is that cramping I feel?  Am I having a contraction?  How many is that in this hour?  Am I bleeding?  And so it goes.  I'm exhausted!!! I understand that stressing out is probably worse for Mara than anything I'm actually doing wrong, so I'm trying so hard to chill out and relax.  But it's so freaking hard!  

I just love this little baby so much, you know?  It's weird.  I haven't even met her.  I don't know anything about her.  She's a 2.5 lb stranger living in my middle right now.  But I love her so fiercely it scares me!  If anything happened to her, I would never get over it.  On the one hand, I love Hawaii and I'm so glad we're here.  On the other hand, I really just want to go home.  My anxiety seemed better at home.

On a similar but different note, HOLY CRAP the time is zooming by!!! It's already the end of August!  In just a few days it will be September.  That is totally nuts.  Today I counted, and it's only 86 days until my due date.  That's under 3 months!  Those numbers boggle my mind because I can remember so clearly the day those little plus signs changed everything in a nanosecond.

Actually, I was talking about that to someone the other day.  I can't remember who it was.... but the very instant I saw those plus signs, it was like... BAM!  Everything was so different.  Life changed in an instant.  It's not like I had to sit there and think to myself really hard about it, like

Okay, Kate.  Those are plus signs.  That means you're pregnant.  OMG!  What?? So what does this mean?  Well, if I'm growing a baby I guess it's going to need some nutrients.  Guess that means I have to actually eat.  And caffeine is bad for babies, right?  So no more energy drinks.  And diet coke.  Not good for babies either.  But what about Zumba?  Well they always say that whatever exercise you were already doing is fine to keep doing.... so I guess I'm good to go for that.  Just maybe not so many marathon sessions on the elliptical in the near future....

No.  It was just like all that knowledge, all the things I'd have to change right away, all the things that had to stop right away, all of that just came to my brain in the instant that it took me to process the sight before my eyes.  I can still vividly remember that day.  March 24th, 2014.  

God I'm so tired. It's only 10:40pm but I haven't really gotten on Hawaii time so that explains the fatigue.  Well, that and growing a baby!  Sheesh!  This little girl is hard work already - and she's not even born yet!!!  Oh well, I wouldn't undo it.  Not for anything.

I'm Off!

We're leaving for Hawaii tomorrow.  I'm so excited!!! I'm also scared, though... I don't really like to be away from my doctors when things aren't like 100% "normal".  But I'm sure they wouldn't have cleared me to go if they didn't think everything would be fine.  I'm just paranoid.  Can't really help it!  But I'm trying to calm down.

Things are okay.  I haven't had a decent shit in days (sorry, gross, but pregnancy is NOT for sissies!) so that plus baby plus anterior placenta is causing me to have a really tight, uncomfortable belly at the moment.  Not Braxton Hicks contractions, just perpetually tight.  Not fun.  But it's okay!  I'll be fine.  The only other issue currently is that I've had a headache for 24 straight hours. :(  Boo! Going to take some more Tylenol now.  Man, I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore so I can take Advil!!!  Tylenol doesn't do shit for me. Lol!

I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little bit of body image anxiety about Hawaii.  But I actually haven't been dwelling on that too much.  So that's good!

Not much else to say, here's a 27 week belly pic for ya.  See you all when I get home! Xoxoxo

Pain

Okay.  I *really* apologize in advance for this post.  It's a little more complain-y than I usually like to be... but... this blog (and my YouTube videos) are about reality.  And this is my reality.

I hurt!!!

The bones in my lower pelvis feel like they're being pried apart.  Like a string is holding them together, and that string is pulled tight and is about to snap at any minute.  And it fucking HURTS!  But I can't do anything about that.  Honestly, it feels like my pubic bone is on fire.  It hurts to touch it.  Forget about leaning against a counter or anything, if it touches anywhere near my pelvis I'll wince and step away.  Just about the only thing that helps at all is warm baths.

It is terrifying.

You know what?  I really wasn't scared much, up until recently.  Recently, when people ask me how I'm feeling, I say something like, "Oh, not too bad.  Just a little achy but it's okay."  

And people, God bless their hearts, say things to me like, "Oh just wait until you're 7/8/9 months!  It gets sooooo much worse!"

Or people say to me, "Wow, look at you!"  I say, "I know, so big eh?"  "Oh just wait!  You'll be so big you can't even move!"

Or, my personal favorite (which happened last week), I said, "It's cute when Mara kicks me.  Less cute at 2 a.m.!"  "Oh just you wait until the kicking turns to crying!"

What is with all this negativity???  Is there really nothing to look forward to?  I'm sure you think it's helpful, somehow, someway, to tell me "You'll be screaming for the epidural after five minutes!"  Well, let me tell you something: it's not!  Maybe I will be, maybe I won't be, but for God's sake don't say that to me!  I wasn't scared until now.  Now I'm dreading the next 3 months almost as much as the pain of childbirth, epidural or not!

But you know what?  I'm not going to live in fear of this.  I refuse to.  I still find things to delight in every day.  The time is passing quickly.  3 months is not forever, and this is NOT the hardest thing I've ever done.  

But.. like I say all the time.... Pregnancy is NOT for sissies! ;)

It Happened

Sometimes, if there's something you dread, it doesn't matter much if you know it's coming.  When it comes, it still sucks.  Sure, maybe it helps a little, teeny, eeny, weeny bit not to be blindsided by it (okay, maybe it helps a fair amount) but the end result is just as hard to deal with regardless of the time you've had to prepare yourself for it.

For the last several months, I've known the time was coming that I would be told to stop teaching Zumba.  I feared it would be back in March, remember?  When I first found out I was pregnant and things weren't going very well, I was afraid I'd be told to stop teaching right then and not work out at all for the rest of the pregnancy.  So very grateful am I that this was not the case.

Over the course of the past several weeks, I've been having a lot of pelvic pain and some other weird symptoms I'd rather not mention (just because they're kind of gross.  Definitely TMI), but throughout it all the baby's heartbeat remained strong and her growth on track.  Do not be alarmed-- her heartbeat is still good and her growth is just fine.  Anyway, I mentioned the discomfort at my last scheduled OB appointment on August 4th, and was told it was normal.  The bones in the bottom of my pelvis are not stuck together, and they are moving to prepare for Mara passing between them.  Okay, sure, I can live with that.  So I just ignored the pain, used hot baths or heating pads and tried to rest when it hurt really bad.  At every check up, I always ask if i I can keep teaching Zumba as long as I don't jump and I'm always told that it's fine, good even, because it keeps me strong.

Last week, on Monday, I was having some different kind of pain.  Just to be safe, I called the advice nurse at the OB clinic, which I hadn't done since April when I was having issues with excessive spotting and cramping.  The advice nurse had me come in and get checked by an OB to see if I had a urinary tract infection (I didn't.)  I should mention, at this point, that I had seen five different OBs by that time.  Anyway, the OB I saw said that everything looked good, Mara's heartbeat was great, my urine cultures were negative, and I was probably just having some pressure on my bladder from where Mara was sitting.  Okay, sure, I can live with that too.  

Then on Sunday I started having another weird sensation, and sorry if this is going to get a little gross, but it felt like there was something stuck... you know... UP in there!  Like an air bubble.  It wasn't painful, just annoying.  But Mara was kicking away like crazy!  In fact, her feet stuck out of my belly on several occasions, and you could see them through my shirt!  Nevertheless, when I woke up Monday morning I just had a bad feeling.  I actually subbed out my Monday morning Zumba class, because something seemed wrong.  The air bubble feeling was still there.  I was in no pain, but I just sensed something wasn't right.

I called the advice nurse again, relayed my symptoms, and expected her to tell me it was nothing.  But she didn't tell me that!  And as I was on the phone with her, I felt a small gush of fluid.  She said, "go to Labor & Delivery.. now! I will call them and tell them you are coming!"  As I was about to leave, she called back saying that L&D was actually on "divert" so we had to come to the clinic to get checked.  She got me in to see yet another OB (this makes 6 now, in as many months) at 9:30am.

This new OB checked Mara's heartbeat with the doppler.  As always, it sounded great, strong as can be (my tough little cookie!)  Then she performed a pelvic exam.  Definitely not my idea of a good time but she was very gentle and it was over pretty quickly.  She told me nothing looked wrong, that all my membranes were still intact, but that she wanted to check my cervix anyway with her fingers.  She checked, and said it was closed, which was good, but that it was "soft", which was not good.

And THEN.... she spoke the dreaded words:  "You need to cut WAY back on your activity level."

I stared stonily at the ceiling and didn't say anything.

I wasn't being petulant.  I was just trying not to cry.  Because I had a question to ask her, and I knew what the answer was going to be.  But before I could ask anything, she questioned me, "What do you do for work?"

"I teach Zumba," I said.

"Not anymore you don't," she quipped, snapping her exam gloves into the garbage one at a time.

The end result is this: my cervix is soft and it should be hard, but it's not.  The baby is low and apparently that's not good.  The pain I have been feeling in my pelvis was, in fact, pressure and is not actually normal.  I should not have been ignoring it, but how could I know that?  I've always been up front with the OBs about my symptoms and how can I know when I'm being wrongly advised?  For the next week I need to lay VERY low.  Or, as the doctor put it, "lounge around."  I asked, "how exactly does one... DO that?" because honestly I don't know!  I'm still allowed to go on vacation to Hawaii next week, but if I have any more fluid leakage or cramping or contractions beforehand, I have to call the clinic and come get checked again.  And no more teaching Zumba until at least 32 weeks, if there are no more complications, or maybe just for the rest of the pregnancy.

I subbed out all my classes indefinitely.

You can be sure this was a bitter pill to swallow.

BUT!!!!!!  My baby girl is strong.  She's flipped over now, feet down, so she's not kicking as noticeably as before, but she is kicking.  Her nursery is almost done.  I have only 3 months to go.  I can do this.  Fall is coming.  

It's going to be fine.
It's going to be fine.
It's going to be fine. 

Pregnancy Paranoia

One of the most frustrating things I've encountered with this pregnancy is the total overload of information that comes from the internet.  I don't just mean Googling stuff -- even the emails I receive from well-known sites like BabyCenter and What To Expect are sometimes totally unhelpful!  And it's not just the internet, either.  Even the information that comes from my OB's office sometimes contradicts other information I've gotten from them.  Back in April I posted about the conflicting nutrition info I received from them (click HERE to read that post).  

Now it's not so much conflicting information that I'm getting via the internet and the OB's office, but very vague information and way too much of it!  It is not helpful when just about everything could potentially be a symptom or sign of something.  Take pre-term labor for example.  On Monday (8/4) at my OB appointment, the Physician's Assistant I saw wanted to talk to me about signs of pre-term labor since I was nearing the 25 week mark.  She said there are many symptoms to watch out for, including but not limited to: cramping, spotting, leaking fluid, increased discharge, pelvic pain and contractions.  

Sounds scary and pretty self-explanatory, right? Well... you may or may not be surprised to find out that nearly ALL of those (with the exception of spotting and leaking amniotic fluid) are symptoms of another thing: pregnancy.  Yes, cramping, increased discharge (sorry, gross), pelvic pain, and painless contractions happen in NORMAL PREGNANCY.  If you have more than 4 contractions in an hour's time then something might be wrong, but I've had Braxton-Hicks contractions randomly for over a month and a half now!

Don't worry - should any of those symptoms pop up for me I'll be sure to call the OB.  But.. it frustrates me because vague information like that makes it very hard not to panic over every little thing!  This whole thing is stressful enough without worrying obsessively over every single weird function the body performs during pregnancy.  My cousin last night, when I texted her, chalked it up to this: "if you're not bleeding or contracting, you're fine."  Regardless, I've spent the better part of the last day periodically palpating my belly to make sure I'm not, in fact, having contractions.  (I'm not.)  

Anyway!  Mara seems fine.  She was actually much more active yesterday than usual, and I would like to think that if something was wrong she would be less active, not more.  But what do I know?  If I'm worried, I'll call the OB.  Better safe than sorry anyway.

Hawaii in T-Minus 17 Days

So we're FINALLY going to go on vacation.  My parents want to take one last vacation this summer before school starts up for my sister and work picks back up for my dad, so they invited Corky and me (and Mara of course, because she currently goes everywhere I go.)

And ALL  I have to say is I CANNOT GO TO HAWAII if I do not start eating more veggies and protein and less carbs.  No, I have not gained tons of weight.  But I feel as though I have.  And I eat so much carbs and stuff... I just need it for the energy.  I literally can't teach Zumba if I don't eat something with carbohydrates in it because they give me the quick energy I need to teach a class.  

Now, I feel the need to mention that I have not even once eaten fast food while I've been pregnant.  I have not eaten horrible craving foods.  I haven't even had horrible cravings! My idea of eating horribly is having an extra bowl of cereal or a spoonful or 2 of ice cream.  Do I know how ridiculous I sound half the time?  Of course I do.  But this is a real thing.  I feel guilty every time I eat anything.

Everyone keeps telling me "You're tiny!" "You're all baby!" "You look like you're hiding a basketball under your shirt and that's all."  They also say, "You're so lucky--I got big EVERYWHERE."  "Where is this baby going to go? You have nowhere to put her!"  So I guess that makes me feel better.  And people often seem surprised that I'm still teaching Zumba.  But that doesn't really take away from the fact that this whole thing is just so fucking HARD.

At the same time as feeling guilty for eating, I feel guilty for having a hard time.  I understand I am having an easy pregnancy.  I understand that I could have it much, much worse.  Why does that have to be everyone's favorite thing to point out when I do try to mention how difficult it is?  Talk about invalidation!  Pregnancy isn't easy no matter what it is you're facing.  Just because I appear to be handling it well doesn't mean I always am.

Anyway.  Hawaii in 17 days.  I am excited for it.  Just hope I don't repulse anyone (especially myself) when wearing my bikini.  Yes, I am 6 months pregnant and wear a bikini.  Deal with it. :) 

Foreshadowing

Although it's only August 6th, there is a slight chill in the air this evening.  I was sitting outside eating frozen yogurt with Alena and her mom and I was cold.  I actually put the heat on in my car.  Fall is coming - the days will grow shorter, the nights will come earlier, the temperature will drop and the leaves will change.  I am both excited for and dreading the fall season.

Fall is my very favorite season.  I love it for so many reasons.  Halloween is my favorite holiday, and that drops nicely in fall.  Unlike many anorexics, I actually like Thanksgiving.  Apples are my favorite fruit and they are the best in the fall.  My wedding anniversary will also be in the fall (October 20th.)  And, perhaps most prominent in my mind, I first got really sick with anorexia in the fall.  

Why is this a good thing, you might wonder?  I'll try to explain.

When I really first got sick, it was around October of 2001.  The anorexia kind of lay dormant, or half-alive, in my brain until September of 2006.  I am not sure I can explain the feeling I get when I remember that time (2006.)  I was dropping weight like crazy.  The days and weeks ticked by, and September turned to October.  The weather got colder and colder, and I got thinner and thinner, and sicker and sicker.  YES I understand this is a bad thing... but the way it made me feel.... mmm.  I can't even explain.

The colder the weather got, the happier I was to be inside, in a blanket, cold also but getting warm.  Man, this post sounds really sick doesn't it?  Oh well.  I promised to be real, so here it is.  When you are terribly underweight, you are always cold.  ALWAYS.  Even in 80 degree weather you are cold.  There is something so cozy about being cold, wrapped in a blanket, drinking (zero calorie) tea.  Knowing I could eat more, but that I "didn't want to."  I obsessed over food, all day every day.  I made a cookbook for my mom for Hanukkah that year.

The last time I went to treatment was also in fall - November 2012.  I love to look at my fall 2012 photo album on facebook.  I was so sick.  I miss it so much.  I love my baby and would never, ever, EVER in a million years even dream of restricting and hurting her... but I fantasize about fall 2012 and remember.... I will look that way again.

So tonight, when I had to put on a sweatshirt to walk to Subway for dinner with Corky, and the chill in the air reminded me of fall, I smiled but my heart ached.  This fall I won't be thin like I wish I could be.  But don't get me wrong - I don't REALLY wish I could be.  I love Mara more than I love being thin.  There's always time for that, and right now Mara comes first.  Don't worry... Mara will ALWAYS come first.

Picture Dump and Some Thoughts :)

I had an OB appointment yesterday.  Everything was fine, the heartbeat was good, my weight was fine (apparently, since nobody said anything), the Physician's Assistant that I saw instead of my OB was really nice.  On that note, it's a good thing I'm not attached to my OB!  He's literally always busy!  They called me the other day about my October appointment, telling me that he'd be out of the office that day.  Months in advance! Lol.  Oh well!  His Physician's Assistant is really great, so I don't mind seeing her every time.

Anyway, she went over the signs of preterm labor with me.  Things like spotting, bleeding, fluid leakage, more than 4 contractions in an hour, things like that.  I read up a little bit on it when I got home, like the things that increase risk of preterm labor and stuff like that.  I don't think I'm at too high of risk for preterm labor because all the causes listed don't apply to me - except for MAYBE one: a physically strenuous job.

I'm not too worried about that because yes, I teach Zumba which is hard work, but it's only for an hour at a time.  And I don't double up on classes to teach in one day anymore.  I think they're talking more about like hours on end of physical labor, which I don't do.  But it did get me thinking about when I should stop teaching Zumba.

I cannot deny that it's getting  a little tiny bit harder to teach a full class  I do get tired.  I do get out of breath.  I do get a little bit achy (although I try not to complain about that too much.)  My plan at the moment is to stop subbing classes in September.  I have several sub jobs lined up throughout most of August until I go on vacation at the end (the 25th.)  Then, as I feel it's necessary, I'll give up my classes one by one, in the reverse order that I acquired them.  Then just stop altogether.

Ideally I'd be teaching up until the day I deliver, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen!  I do, however, plan to be working out until the day I deliver.  I mean, really, what else would you expect from me? ;)

Okay, so here's a bunch of pictures for you!  First, the BABY BUMP pics and other baby related stuff:

Baby Mara 22 Weeks

Baby Mara 24 weeks :)

My toes are gone!!!

Mara's closet thus far - a girl's gotta have her 

clothes! Might I add that I love everyone

for giving us so many hand-me-downs!

Spoiled little girl of mine. :D

BEFORE

AFTER 

(sorry bad lighting. It's blue/green)

Now some random pics, one of me and the rest from the internet:

Can you see me now??

I really love this.  I try to remember that I don't

have to be strong and upbeat absolutely ALL

the time.  It's okay to be sad and scared

sometimes.  But I can't spend all my 

time being sad and scared or else I

would never get anything done!

Zumba!

I sent this to Corky while he was in Las Vegas for

work at the end of July. LOL!

And last but not least, my very very favorite: