Foreshadowing

Although it's only August 6th, there is a slight chill in the air this evening.  I was sitting outside eating frozen yogurt with Alena and her mom and I was cold.  I actually put the heat on in my car.  Fall is coming - the days will grow shorter, the nights will come earlier, the temperature will drop and the leaves will change.  I am both excited for and dreading the fall season.

Fall is my very favorite season.  I love it for so many reasons.  Halloween is my favorite holiday, and that drops nicely in fall.  Unlike many anorexics, I actually like Thanksgiving.  Apples are my favorite fruit and they are the best in the fall.  My wedding anniversary will also be in the fall (October 20th.)  And, perhaps most prominent in my mind, I first got really sick with anorexia in the fall.  

Why is this a good thing, you might wonder?  I'll try to explain.

When I really first got sick, it was around October of 2001.  The anorexia kind of lay dormant, or half-alive, in my brain until September of 2006.  I am not sure I can explain the feeling I get when I remember that time (2006.)  I was dropping weight like crazy.  The days and weeks ticked by, and September turned to October.  The weather got colder and colder, and I got thinner and thinner, and sicker and sicker.  YES I understand this is a bad thing... but the way it made me feel.... mmm.  I can't even explain.

The colder the weather got, the happier I was to be inside, in a blanket, cold also but getting warm.  Man, this post sounds really sick doesn't it?  Oh well.  I promised to be real, so here it is.  When you are terribly underweight, you are always cold.  ALWAYS.  Even in 80 degree weather you are cold.  There is something so cozy about being cold, wrapped in a blanket, drinking (zero calorie) tea.  Knowing I could eat more, but that I "didn't want to."  I obsessed over food, all day every day.  I made a cookbook for my mom for Hanukkah that year.

The last time I went to treatment was also in fall - November 2012.  I love to look at my fall 2012 photo album on facebook.  I was so sick.  I miss it so much.  I love my baby and would never, ever, EVER in a million years even dream of restricting and hurting her... but I fantasize about fall 2012 and remember.... I will look that way again.

So tonight, when I had to put on a sweatshirt to walk to Subway for dinner with Corky, and the chill in the air reminded me of fall, I smiled but my heart ached.  This fall I won't be thin like I wish I could be.  But don't get me wrong - I don't REALLY wish I could be.  I love Mara more than I love being thin.  There's always time for that, and right now Mara comes first.  Don't worry... Mara will ALWAYS come first.