BEDA (Day 30) - Welcome to Mommyville

We made it!! Last day of BEDA!  This also means that it's likely that our facebook newsfeeds will be blown up with that meme of Justin Timberlake with the words "It's Gonna Be May" which was funny, maybe, the first fifty times you saw it but by now you're just like OMG staaaaaaaaaaaahhhhppppp!!!

Okay.  Moving on.  THANK YOU all who commented on yesterday's BEDA "Roll Call"! I've always been so curious as to who actually reads this thing and got that idea from Ruby over on And Then She Recovered (hi Ruby! Since I know you read this) and decided to give it a try.  So cool to hear from all of you!  Now, open a new browser window and go check out Ruby's blog but make sure you come back to mine! She's rad. ;)

I've got to admit... when some of you said I was inspirational or such, I was a little surprised.  I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything special over here.  Most of the time I feel pretty scattered and like I'm running away from a tsunami, hanging on by my fingertips.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.  Other times I don't have a clue what I'm doing (okay, most times I feel that way!) but I'm glad I can be of some kind of help to some of you!  That makes it definitely worth it.

So... speaking of the little stinkbug.... Hello Sleep Regression!  UGH!  Can I just have an IV drip of coffee puh-LEASE!  Better yet, just the caffeine part!  Right in my vein, thanks.  She has been waking up several times per night, and with my having to get up early for teaching classes not to mention pumping in the middle of the night or very early before I leave, I haven't slept more than about 3 hours per night in a week.  

Last night, however, was the worst.  Mara went down for bed like normal at 8, but woke up at 10:30 wanting a bottle, which Corky fed her.  Then she woke up at midnight, 1:10am, 2:30 and 3:15!  I never got to sleep at all because just as I would drift off, she'd cry.  Finally at 3:15am I went in there, scooped her out of bed, sat in the rocking chair and rocked her to sleep.  There I stayed until about 4:30 when my butt was so asleep I couldn't take it anymore.  Then I spread a blanket out on the floor, laid Mara down, nursed her until she fell asleep and I laid beside her.  I was freezing my ass off but I couldn't move because she had the strap of my nursing tank in  her fist and I didn't dare move.  My alarm was set for 6:00am, so at 5:45 I went and got Corky.

I have to teach Zumba at 8:30am so here I sit, being a dairy cow (pumping) because I have to leave at 7:30 on account of the commute to Tualatin being horrendous.  I doubt very much I'll remember any of my choreography!  LOL!!!!  Oh such a glamorous life I live.

But you know what?  I love it.  I wouldn't trade it for anything!!! Yes I'm more exhausted than I've ever been before, but I knew this was coming.  Everyone warned me that the first year of her life would be the most exhausting, toughest year of my life.  They were right, of course, but it's also going to be a GREAT year.  Mara is growing, learning and changing every day - right before my eyes!  I'm incredibly proud of her.  The love is so deep, it's unimaginable if you've never experienced it.

This is what mornings look like around here.  The quiet before the rest of the house wakes up..... a creature comes lumbering down the stairs into the kitchen... it's a strange looking beast.  Hair sticking up at odd angles.  Strange black circles around its' eyes.  A weird, jerky way of walking.  Usually seen clutching a coffee cup.  What ever could this monster be?  Bigfoot?  Baba Yaga?  No... in its' native habitat it's a..... ZOMBIE MOM!!!! 

BEDA (Day 29) - Roll Call

Good morning Blogisphere.  Anyone out there?

I want to get to know you!  

Leave me a comment! Please?  Even just saying your name (if it doesn't say it automatically when you comment) and where you're from.  Or tell me how you came across my blog.  Or what your favorite color is.  Or anything!!!

Love love love. 

Happy Wednesday!!!

BEDA (Day 28) - Substitute

Yesterday I had the opportunity to sub an Aqua Fit class at a different LA Fitness than the one I typically work at.  It was my first time ever going to that particular LA Fitness and, in fact, my first time ever subbing an Aqua Fit class!  I've only ever taught my own.  And I was subbing for "The Queen of Aqua Fit" herself.  No pressure or anything.

It turned out to be quite an adventure.  Thankfully Corky was off work.  Actually I would never have agreed to sub it if he wasn't.  The class was at 9:00am in a section of downtown Portland called the Pearl District.  From where I live it would have easily taken me well over an hour to get down there if I drove.  The traffic is horrendous out here and that's all before I get to a freeway!  Then I'd need to take THREE freeways to get to the Pearl.  I decided to take the MAX (the light rail commuter train).

Well, of course that couldn't be easy either.  It took me twenty minutes to drive 3 miles to the MAX station and I missed the 7:47am train that I was supposed to take.  Mind you I left at 7:25am!  I caught the 7:56am instead.  Then once I got downtown, I had to transfer to the Portland Streetcar.  The MAX and Streetcar lines cross perpendicularly.  Well, that's the simplified explanation.  They kind of go all over the place but generally they make like a plus sign.  The Streetcar dropped me off 1/3 mile from LA Fitness.  Staring at the clock on my phone, I rushed there on foot.  The weather was nice, thank goodness.  That wouldn't have been fun in the pouring rain!

Once I got there, I immediately realized I was in trouble.  Not only is the pool a totally different shape (long and skinny as opposed to the more typical rectangle pool I'm used to in Tualatin) but it was deep at one end and shallow at the other.  By "deep" I mean almost 5 feet, but that's deep when your class is mostly made up of older ladies who aren't much taller than 5 feet themselves!  And the class was BIG! 26 people is a lot in a pool that size.

The reason the shape of the pool was a problem was because it meant I couldn't do a lot of the exercises I normally do at my LA Fitness.  The whirlpool was out because the pool was just too long.  I asked one of the ladies and she said their regular teacher usually has them stay in place and do stuff until the very end when they move.  I just couldn't do that, so we moved the whole time.

Class went fine until about 45 minutes in (the class is only 50 minutes long, or so I was trained).  At that point, a lady got out of the pool and slipped and fell over by the towel racks.  I have to admit that when I heard the sound and saw her on the ground my first thought was, "are you serious?"  Of course I was worried and hoped she was okay, but I was thinking, "really?  This had to happen TODAY?"  It's every sub's worst nightmare.  So I went over to her and helped her up.  She insisted she was fine and that she didn't hit her head, just her shoulder.  I offered to help her to a chair or out to the locker room but she refused.  I told her I'd be back to check on her and get her information so I could file an incident report but when she left before I could.

As I tried to end the class at the 50 minute mark (as we're taught to do) the ladies said, "No, we go until 10! We go a whole hour!"  The problem is, I only have a 50 minute class prepared.  Almost to the minute!  So I had to come up with 10 minutes worth of stuff to do at the drop of a hat.  We did end up doing the whirlpool for a bit but people were pretty tired so they kind of petered out.  Then I had them stretch for several minutes and that was it.  After class, one lady talked my ear off about how there needs to be traction mats on the pool deck.  I wholeheartedly agree with her but I can't do anything about it!  I'm just a sub!  Sigh.

After I signed out, I realized I had no idea how to get back to the Streetcar!  I'd been in such a rush to get out there that I hadn't paid attention!  I stared at the map on my phone and finally figured it out.  Hopped on the Streetcar (or Molly the Trolley as some Portlanders call it) and hit up my bestie's Starbucks for caffeine.  Did I mention I'd been up since 5:15am??  Lol.  He gave me extra steamed nonfat in my Americano.  The sweetie.

Caught the MAX back to Beaverton but it only went as far as Beaverton Transit Center so I had to get off there and wait 10 minutes for a train that went all the way to Hillsboro.  That was a long, hot wait in the direct sunlight since there was no shade.I finally made it home right around noon - just in time to nurse Mara and send her off with her daddy for her swimming lesson.

Substitute teaching is hard no matter what kind of class it is.  It's even harder when you're subbing for someone who is really well-liked and really good at their job.  They leave big shoes to fill and it's hard to please people who have their hearts set on taking a class from this person.  But I have to say, everyone at the Pearl LA Fitness was really welcoming and many of them thanked me for the class.  So that was nice.

I would definitely sub there again. :)

BEDA (Day 27) - Packing

You would think that since it's only been a little over a year since I moved last that I would've remembered how much I hate moving!  Actually, no, it's not the moving part I hate, it's the packing.  This time, however, we are having a garage sale as well, so for every 2 boxes I pack for us to keep, I pack one for us to sell.  So there's that.  So far I've packed about 7 boxes total, which might not seem like much but it's quite an accomplishment considering I have a clingy 5 month old who doesn't like to let me work on much around the house if I'm not holding her.  And packing boxes one-handed is just... not going to happen. 

Anyway, last night I worked a bunch on packing up the bookshelves.  It would be easy if it was only books on the bookshelves but no... it's books, scrapbooks, photo albums, old journals, yearbooks, keepsakes, candles, picture frames... etc.  Not everything fit nicely into a box so I had to stuff some soft, filler-type things in to keep the contents from flying around in there if the box wasn't totally full.

The hard part is trying to decide what to sell.  Usually the problem is that people want to keep everything and sell nothing.  Not me! I have the opposite problem.  I want to sell everything but then I'm like "Well... no... I should probably keep that because Corky might be irritated if I sell practically everything he ever got me for an anniversary!"  Lol.  It's not that I don't appreciate the things he's gotten me, it's just that I'm not terribly sentimental about things.  Some things I am but most things I'm not.  At any rate, once I remember that it was something he gave me, I put it in the "keep" box.  Most of the time. ;)

The garage sale will be held at my parents' house the first weekend of June.  The reason it will be there is because their house was built in the late 1980s, back when houses actually had space around them and the streets were wider and meant to be parked on.  Our garage, driveway and street are not really conducive to having a garage sale on.  For one thing, we live on a dead end.  For another, the houses are reeeeaaallllyyyy crowded here and for a third thing, there's never anywhere to park because they crammed 33 houses into like a few acres, and the street is always choked with cars parked there.

The only downside to this timing is that we're moving in May.  So that means we're going to have to bring a bunch of boxes with us of stuff for the garage sale and find a place to put it for a few weeks until June.  But that's okay.  We'll be kind of living half-unpacked anyway for a time because that's how it works when you move.  I'm really excited to have this garage sale though because the last time we had one was back in 2009 and I made over $200 on just MY stuff!  An few hundred dollars extra would go a long way around here!

Last weekend when we went to Astoria, we took a trip down to Seaside, Oregon where they have an outlet mall.  I mentioned in my Astoria post that we went to the Nike store because I wanted to get this pair of shoes but didn't because they were $85.00.  I remember thinking to myself, $85... I could buy a lot of groceries for $85.  When we returned home I went grocery shopping at Fred Meyer, picked up the necessities as well as supplies to make dinners for the week.  My cart was pretty full.  At the checkout, the clerk rang me up... $84.57.  See? I told myself.  Lots of groceries for $85.00.  But... the groceries are now gone.  At least the Nikes would have lasted.  But my family is healthy and fed.  That is more important than fashion.

Or so I keep telling myself. :P

Have a great week! xoxo

BEDA (Day 26) - Follow Up

Following up on yesterday's BEDA about Vega One: it's incredibly disgusting.  I kind of figured it would be once I read the ingredients but figured it was worth a shot.  But anything that is supposed to be vanilla chai flavored should not have algae, spirulina, mushroom, kale or pea in it!

Yesterday my dad bought Mara a Jumperoo from Target. She loves it!!  Here's a picture dump (mostly, if not all, of Miss Mara Soleil. Oh I love her!!)

Mara and mommy, posing.

Not too old to nap on mommy still. In fact she prefers it.

Mara in her new jumperoo from grandpa. 

***warning - the following pictures are meant to show what an almost-9-pound baby does to someone's stomach skin.  It's not graphic or anything but since a lot of eating disorder people read this I don't want it to shock you! Lol. 

So

If

You

Are

Easily

Shocked

Do

Not

Go

Any

Further

But

If

You

Are

Not

Then

Here

It

Is!

Lol!

:)

I have a physical therapy appointment on Wednesday for my diastasis recti (stomach muscles) so hopefully it will help!  The hernia in my belly button does not do me any favors lol.

Man I'm tired!! It took every ounce of energy I could muster to get out of bed just now and come downstairs and pump.  I almost didn't get up, but then I thought to myself seriously? How selfish a thing is that to think? Get up!

And so I did. 

I had to type this on my phone because my computer decided to kind of quit working.  Fun stuff. #firstworldproblems

BEDA (Day 25) - Vega One

Wow! I cannot believe it is almost the end of April.  I'm so excited because Spring is my least favorite season and it is getting closer to being over! Lol!

I got this sample pack of a protein shake by this company called Vega One.  It's vanilla chai flavor... I hope it's good!  It's from Whole Foods so it doesn't have any crap in it, which is nice.  I've been trying to consume less "crap", and by "crap" I mean artificial sweeteners and additives and stuff.  My one downfall is diet coke, I will have it occasionally.  Currently I'm down to one every other day or so, so there's that!

Anyway, the protein shake only has 170 calories, 40% of daily protein and 25% of daily fiber.  I plan on making it with a cup of almond milk (30 cal) and half a cup of water, since it calls for 1.5 cups of liquid.  Weird!  But it should be fine.  I'll let you know.

BEDA (Day 24) - 5 Month Picture

First of all, thank you for your kind comments after yesterday's post. I'm doing marginally better today (that is, not much.) 

Here is Mara's 5 month picture!  Her pants look weird in the top one lol!  Funny kid! 

BEDA (Day 23) - 5 Months

My baby girl is 5 months old today.  5 months ago, at this exact time, I was on pitocin and suffering my way through contractions.  

Mara is a pretty amazing kid.  She definitely knows who her parents are and will cry if anyone else holds her except my mom and sometimes my dad.  She hates when I leave her in the evening when I go teach Zumba or Aqua Fit.  She'll cry and scream so much she throws up.  It's so heartbreaking!  Her separation anxiety came on really early (sometime between 3 and 4 months).  Guess she takes after her Mommy in that respect.

She can pretty much sit up on her own, she eats some solid food and purees, can hold her own bottle and is working on learning to crawl.  I love her to pieces and I don't know what I'd do without her!

I haven't done her 5 month comparison photo yet but I'll post it tomorrow.  Here's a pic of her from the other day!

Aside from that, I am not doing so great.  I am just so fat.  I can't stand it.  I can't stand myself.  I want to stop nursing, on the one hand, because I just want to starve.  I am serious... it feels like I would rather die than be this flabby everywhere.  These fantasies keep coming to my mind about skipping meals, drinking coffee only, being hungry, going without.  But I know that I can't do that because I'm nursing but I just hate my fat!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I want to cry and scream but no tears will come for some reason.  I'm just huge everywhere and I want to fucking die.

At this moment, I do not care that I'm "supposed to be strong for Mara" or whatever.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I will do the things I need to do to take care of her. But I don't want to "be strong."  I just want to be skinny!  There aren't words sufficient to describe how badly I want that.  I want to just cut all the fat off, like you do to steak.  I can't write anymore about this actually... it's just frustrating me because I can't convey it like I want to.

We Interrupt This Program To Bring You....

Pausing BEDA for a hot second, I found this awesome article that spoke to me SO MUCH!

Read it!  Do it! 

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/having-a-baby-ruined-my-bikini-body-116668948347.html

While I do plan to (POSSIBLY) wear a bikini when I go on vacation someday, I am TOTALLY on board with the whole not viewing stretchmarks as "stripes" thing.  No, they aren't stripes that I've earned.  They're scars that I didn't want.  They're not badges of honor.  They're fucking stretch marks and they're not attractive!  (and for the record, tigers didn't earn their stripes either, they were born with the genetics to have stripes.  Just to clear that up lol.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my body for what it has done - i.e. growing a healthy, 8lb 14oz baby inside it and then pushing said baby out into the world.  That was no easy task, let me tell you, but my amazing body did it!  But that doesn't mean I like how it looks in its' entirety afterward.

But you know what?  That's OKAY!  I don't have to like it!  It doesn't mean I don't love my daughter or myself.  (Well, that 2nd one is questionable but there's no doubt I love my daughter more than anything!)  It just means that I find my stretchmarks aesthetically unappealing.  Nothing more.

BEDA (Day 22) - WTF

Last night before going to bed, I read this article:

http://mic.com/articles/116084/the-kylie-jenner-lip-challenge-is-literally-disfiguring-teenagers

And all I can say is What the F*ck???

What is wrong with people??

BEDA (Day 21) - Judged

Yesterday I went across the street to the shopping center to go to Great Clips.  I needed to get a trim for my hair and a few layers cut into it.  Corky was home with Mara so I took off for an hour.  As I was leaving, he asked me to run to Dairy Queen on my way and get him some french fries, which I agreed to do.

Next to my neighborhood and across the street from the shopping center is a middle school.  School was just getting out for the day as I finished at Great Clips and walked to Dairy Queen, and when I got there it was choked with teenagers.  Yikes!

I went in, stood in line, ordered the french fries for Corky, paid and waited for them to call my number.  

As I stood there, I could feel my face getting warm.  It felt like everyone was judging me.  I felt so ashamed, for some reason, for ordering french fries even though they weren't for me.  I do not understand why I felt this way!  The lady who took my order didn't even bat an eye at the words that I said.  She just rang me up, handed me my change and receipt and said, "You're number 134."

As for all the patrons, well... I'm sure they didn't even notice me.  It's not that I'm so full of myself that I think everyone notices or cares, it's just my eating disorder freaking out and making me feel ashamed about food.  The french fries weren't for me but nobody knew that.  But even if they were, so what?? All those people are there for food too and I'm not judging them!  So if they were judging me  for being there for the same reason, then that would make them hypocrites and who cares what hypocrites have to say!

It's kind of the same reason I often cannot eat by myself in a restaurant.  I'd have to be pretty damn hungry to order something in a restaurant by myself.  In fact, I'm not sure I've ever done it (at a real, sit-down restaurant I mean.)  I don't even do it at Starbucks very often!  Getting a coffee by myself at Starbucks is one thing but food is another.  If I had Mara with me it would be easier because if, heaven forbid, anyone did look at me and decide to judge me, at least they would see that I have a baby.  Then they might think, oh, she has a baby.  She has to eat because she's probably nursing, but even if she's not, well, babies take a lot of energy so that's okay then.  When in reality, I'm sure nobody even thinks about it at all!

But if I'm by myself and eating something, I feel like people would look at me and think I'm weak and piggish for eating.  It's so ridiculous because nobody cares at all but my eating disorder makes me feel like everyone is criticizing me.  Sigh!  

I never said it made sense!

BEDA (Day 20) - Astoria Pictures

IOkay first let me start by saying I do NOT want to take the dogs on vacation again! They just lick and smack in their pen constantly and make me want to scream.  They're doing it right now and I can't say "Shh!" at them because Mara is asleep, but I'm stuck to the breast pump so I can't get away! I HATE IT!!!! Okay, moving on.

Yesterday we woke up nice and early. I had barely slept, but I'm used to that! We had breakfast in the hotel (mmm, coffee!) and then loaded Mara into the stroller and went for a walk with the dogs on the riverfront. 

The fog was rad!

You can hear all these sea lions from the hotel. They sound so funny!  I got video of them, check out my Instagram to see it.  Anyway, the sea lions were climbing all over each other and barking.

Literally every square foot of this dock was covered with sea lions! 

(I look like I have no neck!)

Panoramic view from the pier.

A few more pics from the walk.

After that we went back to the hotel, I fed Mara, and then we headed off to the Astoria Column.  It's basically just a huge lighthouse without the light, and you can climb up and see really far. It was a beautiful day and perfect for this.

Stinkbug and daddy, ready to climb!

After climbing the 164 steps (one way!) like bosses, we hopped back in the car (where the dogs were waiting - don't worry, it was very shaded and they weren't even panting!) and drove across this giant bridge to Washington where we went to Cape Disappointment.  What kind of a name is that?!  Anyway, there's a lighthouse (this time WITH a light!) that's supposedly haunted by the ghost of a lady who committed suicide by jumping off the cliff. We hiked up to it with the dogs and Mara of course. 

I didn't take quite as many pics for this part because my phone was almost dead.

After this we went back to the hotel again, ate lunch (at like 2pm) and Mara had a short nap.  

We decided to go to Seaside and check out the outlet mall really quick.  I really want this pair of Nike shoes but I am not spending $85 on myself!  So after that we went into downtown Seaside for dinner.  I didn't get any pics of this but we went to this restaurant called Pig'n Pancake.  It's basically a breakfast place that has other food, but serves breakfast all day kind of diner style.  I had an omelette which was served with a bean muffin bigger than my head (you can be sure I didn't finish it!). We also had ice cream. 

But the really fun part of that trip was taking Mara to the Carousel Mall and taking her on her first carousel ride!  Corky had a hard time getting decent pictures as we whizzed by. Lol!

Before we came to Astoria, Corky wanted to watch The Goonies with me because it was apparently filmed at a house here.  Imagine our surprise to discover that not only was our hotel within walking distance of the house, but you can actually SEE it from the parking lot! 

Astoria is a fun little city.  I'm so glad we came - I had never been here before!  And Mara is a pretty great little traveler! 

BEDA (Day 19) - Astoria, OR

Last night, after Corky got off work, we loaded up the car and took off for Astoria, Oregon with Mara and the bulldogs. 

 It's about a 2 hour drive and Mara slept the whole way.  She didn't make a peep until we pulled into the load/unload zone at the hotel, at which point Jax whined and scared her awake and she screamed. 

So it's been an interesting night though, sharing a room with a baby and 2 bulldogs.  We ended up with a room with 2 queen sized beds, which is not too bad except Corky is a big guy and has a tendency to sleep flat on his back with all 4 limbs stretched straight out like a starfish.  So I spent the night (after pumping sitting on the bathroom floor to avoid waking the baby) all curled up basically in one corner of the bed.  

When we got into the room, I went over to the window to check out the view... but there wasn't much of one!  All I saw was a chain link fence and a railroad track.  But I heard a sound... could it be? I opened the window just to be sure.  Yes, I was hearing sea lions! "Are? Are! Are!" 

I laughed. I couldn't help it!  They just sound so ridiculous! 

Anyway Corky snored all night (and is still snoring now at 6:12 am) so I didn't sleep well.  Or much at all. Great.  I'm going to go sit on the bathroom floor and pump again because I skipped my 3am pumping session and I feel like I'm going to explode. Eek!!! Pictures and the end of our Astoria trip in tomorrow's BEDA! 

xoxo 

Houston, we have teeth! 

BEDA (Day 18) - Pitasha

This is a story that my parents used to tell me when I was little.  I think it was one that my dad's parents originally told, but I'm not positive.  I'm pretty sure it's an old Russian story that parents told their kids to get them to bathe.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Pitasha and he HATED to take a bath.  Pitasha's mother tried everything she could think of to get her son to bathe but he just kept refusing.

"Pitasha!" His mother cried.  "You are so dirty!  It's time to take a bath!"

"No!" Sang Pitasha.  "I won't take a bath."  And he ran off to play outside.

Pitasha's mother followed him.  "If you don't take a bath, the garbage man is going to mistake you for garbage and take you to the dump!" She warned.  But Pitasha did not believe her.

One day, Pitasha was out playing on the curb next to the trash.  It was garbage night.  Pitasha's mother called him in for the night, but Pitasha was not done playing.  After his mother went to bed, he sneaked back out to play some more.  The moon rose high in the sky, and Pitasha grew sleepy.  He decided to lay down just for a minute to rest his eyes.  Pitasha fell fast asleep on the grass beside the curb.

Pitasha was so soundly asleep that he did not hear the garbage truck coming.  The garbage man looked along the curb and saw lots of dirty garbage.  He picked it all up and put it in the back of his big garbage truck.  All of it - including Pitasha!

It was dark and smelly when Pitasha woke up.  "Hey!" Cried Pitasha.  "Where am I?"  He realized he was in the back of a garbage truck.  "Help! Help!" Pitasha screamed.  "I'm not garbage! I'm a little boy!  Please don't take me to the dump!"

Inside the cab of the truck, the driver suddenly thought he heard banging and screaming.  He stopped the truck and was astonished to find Pitasha in the back of his truck.

"You are so dirty, I thought you were garbage!" Exclaimed the garbage man.  At once he turned the truck around and took Pitasha home.

Pitasha's mother was shocked and relieved when the garbage man delivered Pitasha home.  And even thought it was the middle of the night, she drew a nice, hot bath for Pitasha.  He got in without a peep, and never skipped his baths again.

BEDA (Day 17) - Homeless

Because we weren't already underslept enough.....

This morning at about 12:45am, I was ripped out of sleep by an awful, shrill, piercing alarm and a voice saying "Fire!  Fire!"  I flew out of bed and ran down the hall to Mara's room, Corky right behind me.  Just as I reached Mara's room, the alarm stopped.  Corky searched the whole house but found no fire.  Ten minutes later, Mara was just about asleep and it went off again.  This happened twice more and then, the last time, the carbon monoxide detector went off too.  I had had enough.  We threw some extra diapers in the diaper bag, I grabbed the breast pump, my purse and the dogs, we loaded up Mara and drove off to find a hotel at 1:50am.

Well, of course that couldn't be easy either!  Columbia Sportswear, which is based here, is having a huge event this weekend so naturally every single hotel in the area is booked solid.  Not one room available anywhere except the crappy motels (and frankly i would rather sleep in the car!)

Fortunately for us, my parents and my sister are in Las Vegas for the weekend so their house is empty... and I have a key! I called them at 2 o'clock in the morning. My poor mom could hardly understand what I was saying.   So anyway here we are.  This will be weird because I haven't spent a night here since I moved out for the last time in 2009. 

The fire alarm is one thing.  You go look everywhere and if there's no fire then there's no fire.  You can see, smell and feel fire.  Carbon monoxide has no smell and no taste.  You can't see it.  I couldn't risk it; we had to leave. 

Corky is attempting to get Mara to sleep on this little makeshift bed I made for her on the floor.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table pumping.  The dogs are running around maniacally, sniffing everything.  My mom's dog, Bettina, is at a kennel for the weekend.  I laughed imagining how weirded out she'll be to come home and smell Abby and Jax on everything here.

As we drove away from our house, I had a fleeting afterthought. Damn, I mused. I forgot to turn off the timer on the coffee pot.  Oh well. At least we'll have coffee when we get home!  Who do you call about this sort of thing?? I don't even know! 

BEDA (Day 16) - Sleep Regression/Teething

It was one of those things that I was warned was coming but that I was desperately hoping Mara would skip: the dreaded sleep regression.  Basically, at around 4-5 months of age, babies (and therefore their parents) experience a change in their sleep cycles.  Prior to this, babies sleep cycles were very different than adults.  We go through stages of sleep, ranging from hypnagogia (half asleep state where you startle awake) to deep REM sleep.  Before age 4-5 months, babies only had deep sleep.  At that point, their brains develop to the point where they have lighter and deeper sleep cycles, which will remain for the rest of their lives.  Now they wake up and don't know how to get back to sleep - hence the crying every few hours.  They don't know how to self-soothe.  I need to do some research on how best to help Mara.  There are several methods, I just need to find the one that is best for us.

In the meantime, I am so tired I can't even think.

But here's a collage of Mara.  She's pretty damn cute, makes it all worth it!

BEDA (Day 15) - Seriously Frank?

I had a rather unpleasant experience yesterday.  Actually, much of yesterday was unpleasant.  It didn't start out well but it ended fine.

My day actually started at 3 o'clock in the morning.  I got up to pump, wrote my BEDA entry from yesterday, but before I could finish pumping, Mara woke up.  Corky warmed up a bottle and fed her.  Usually she goes right back to sleep but not last night.  So once I finished pumping, I went in there and held her, rocked her, sang to her, shushed her, nursed her, tried (totally unsuccessfully) to get her to go back to sleep.  She was whiny and fussing.  When she grabbed my hand and brought it to her mouth to gum on my fingers, as she often does, I discovered why: teeth.  Uh oh!

At 6 o'clock, Corky came to rescue me because I had to get up.  I was subbing a Zumba class at 8:30am.  At that class, things got a little more unpleasant.

Okay, so I wore a slightly tighter shirt than normal.  But it fit well and covered everything.  However.... after class, a lady walked up to me and said, "You are adorable!  Is that your little baby bump?  When are you due?"

UGH I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like... SERIOUSLY??? Don't you know you're not supposed to ask that unless it's REALLY FREAKING OBVIOUS?????? Like how I looked on my due date?  Okay.  You can ask me then.  Now?  No way.

But it didn't stop there.  After conversing with her for a few minutes, another lady stopped me on my way out and said, "So.. I just have to ask.. how far along are you, anyway?"  The first time was irritating.  The second time was just infuriating.  How many times am I going to be kicked in the pants today?  Geez!!

Okay so I'm NOT pregnant, just to set the record straight! I just have diastasis recti (where the abdominal muscles separate and cause the stomach area to stick out a little) really badly!  Mara was a big baby; you know, you saw the pictures!  And she's only 4 1/2 months old, so it's not so ridiculous to think that my body hasn't 100% bounced back from that yet.

There's these Frenchies that I follow on Instagram and Facebook - Manny the Frenchie and Frank the Funny Frenchie.  Frank is my favorite, and he makes the most hilarious faces.  Frank is almost always Not Amused At All.  

I have a sweatshirt with a picture of him making a grumpy face.

That is totally how I felt when the ladies were asking me about being pregnant!  Like... seriously????  Damn.  So here I am, on about 6 hours of sleep in 2 days, after teaching 2 classes yesterday, I have one today, 2 tomorrow and one on Friday.  Oh dear... this could prove to be a very long week!

BEDA (Day 14) - Coffeemaker

Yesterday I bought a new coffeemaker.  It's a Mr. Coffee... something.  It's red and has a clock on the top, the kind with hands.  Not digital.  It's beautiful.... ours was old and crappy and didn't work very well.  It would sometimes stop brewing mid-brew and you had to jiggle the pot around to get it working again.  Other times it would shift and coffee would go running all down the sides and all over the counter top.  The plate didn't get very hot so you'd have lukewarm coffee and therefore not a lot of flavor, plus you'd have to heat your coffee in the microwave if you waited more than 10 seconds to drink it after you poured it!

Anyway.  I guess that's one sign of adulthood (and new mommyhood?) when your favorite new "toy" is a Mr. Coffee! Lol!

Here we go. Another work week.  I'm subbing a Zumba class at 8:30am in Wilsonville.  That's a hell of a commute so I have to leave an hour beforehand, and pump before I leave so I'll be up at 6:00am.

That reminds me of a song: 6AM by J. Balvin Ft. Farruko.  I was trying to translate it the other night (Spanish to English) and I was having trouble!  My Spanish is... okayish... and I got about 70-80% of it translated roughly.  I'm sure my friend who is fluent in Spanish would have laughed her head off at my attempt though. Lol!

Click HERE to listen to 6AM by J. Balvin featuring Farruko

BEDA (Day 13) - Tired!!

I had never really realized how exhausting it can be to get up at 2 or 3 in the morning every single night and lose approximately an hour and a half or two hours of sleep.  

I had never really realized how tiring it would be to create food for another individual, to be their sole source of nourishment.

I had never really realized how weary it would make you to have to be constantly alert and troubleshooting all day and then not be able to get a full night's sleep.

I had never really realized any of that.

Now I do.

BEDA (Day 12) - Mimic

At this point I am starting to realize that I have to be REEEEAAAALLLLYYYYY careful what I say and do!  Mara is watching me... and she is smart!  She may be only 4 1/2 months old but her little mind is like a sponge, soaking up information all the time. 

Yesterday she was acting hungry even after nursing so I mixed up a little oat cereal for her and fed it to her with a spoon.  She grabbed for the spoon in my hand so I gave it to her and went and got another one to feed her with.  But then I started watching her play with the spoon.  She would bring it down near her leg and then up to her mouth. Down to her leg and up to her mouth. 

Oh my god... I thought. She's pretending she's eating!

She's not dextrous enough with the little plastic baby spoon to make it look realistic at this point but it was clear what she was doing.  

This kid is growing rapidly and looking to me - her mom, the one she spends the most time with - for information on how to exist and operate in this world.  I definitely have my work cut out for me. No pressure or anything! 

BEDA (Day 11) - R.I.P

My facebook newsfeed is full of sadness and death right now.  It's terrible!  Sometimes I just want to throw my computer and phone out the window, but I can't because I need them!  I deleted my facebook app off my phone, per a suggestion from a friend, so maybe just disconnecting a little for a while will help.  It's just so depressing!

One of the saddest post (okay, actually THE saddest post) was by a friend of mine whom I know from eating disorder treatment in 2010.  I remembered she had gotten married a while ago but I hadn't seen much from her on facebook since.  Well, last night she posted some very chilling words: "We lost the baby."

That brings back extremely vivid memories of a little over a year ago when it looked like that I would miscarry the embryo that ultimately turned out to be Mara.  I remember feeling so ridiculous for being sad because this was an embryo, not a baby after all, but I was sad anyway and I can remember begging the fetus, "Please don't go."

I don't know how far along she was and I don't know why this happened.  Makes me feel incredibly lucky though.  I have no idea whether or not her eating disorder contributed to the loss of her pregnancy or not but it causes me to remember that that could have easily been me.  Regardless of the reason for her miscarriage, I am sooooooo grateful to my body for not letting Mara down.  It could have happened.  It almost did!

Here's a throwback picture of Mara and me, taken in December 2014.  She was like a week or a week and a half old in this picture.  It makes me laugh! Lol

BEDA (Day 10) - We're Moving... Again!

That's the big news around here - we're moving!  Yes, you're right, it does seem like we  just moved here.  That's because we did!  Less than a year ago, on April 19, 2014, we moved into this house and now we're moving out of it.  Probably in about a month or a month and a half.  

The plan is this: my dad, who has decided to dabble in real estate, is going to buy our house from us and rent it out.  It's a pretty desirable area and the house is big (2,082 sq ft) so it should rent well.  With the money from the sale of our house, Corky and I are going to put a down payment on a condo in an area that's much more convenient for both of us.  It's a bit smaller (about 1,500 sq ft) but still has 3 bedrooms and the layout is nice.  This will allow us to save a fair amount of money on mortgage payments.

In addition to this, Corky and I are going to manage the rental property.  My dad is also going to buy another place, either a house or a condo, and rent that out and we'll manage it as well and he'll pay us.  So it all pencils out nicely.

While it would be a stretch to say I'm looking forward to moving, it would not be a stretch to say I'm looking forward to getting out of this area!  There's nothing wrong with this area, per se, it's just pretty inconvenient in terms of commuting.  With the exception of one of my Zumba jobs.  But that's okay.  Yesterday morning it took me nearly 30 minutes to reach a highway!  In fact, it took me longer to reach the damn highway than it did for me to travel 10-12 miles ON that highway, then transfer to the interstate and go about 4 miles on there!  Ridiculous!  I came rushing into my Zumba class with ZERO time to spare.  No fun.

Aside from moving, things are going fine.  My 2nd bout of mastitis seems to be clearing fine, thanks to good old dicloxicillin.  My supply definitely took a hit, on both sides, but I'm hopeful I can get it back up again.  Fenugreek pills are my best friends when it comes to that, even though they make me smell like maple syrup! Lol.

BEDA (Day 9) - Donate

The other day I applied to donate my breast milk.  I make tons, and clearly it's good quality (since Mara is growing like crazy) so why not donate some of it?  

Yesterday, I received an email stating that they had reviewed my application but couldn't use me as a donor because I take fish oil and fenugreek, and not enough studies had been done to know for sure how those supplements affected preemies and NICU babies.  I was like, really?  I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't use any drugs, I'm almost never sick, I've never been to Africa, I have no allergies, and you deny my breast milk because I take fish oil and fenugreek??  Fenugreek is FOR lactation! It's a seed!!!  And you mean to tell me no studies have been done to show whether or not fish oil is good for a developing baby?  That's just crazy.

At any rate, they don't want my breast milk.  Which, like I mentioned just above, I think is crazy.  I posted on facebook, saying as much, and one of my friends read it.  She's pregnant and due in July with a baby girl.  She said that she would be super appreciative if I would donate privately to her since she is unable to breastfeed for medical reasons.  Her son, who is now 4, survived on donated breast milk for the first 10 months of his life.  She said she would be grateful for anything I could give her.

Here's the crazy part: I said "sure!"

No hesitation.
No doubts.
No question.
Just, "sure!"

Am I insane??  Possibly!  I've been saying all this time how I kind of can't wait to quit nursing because I don't want to eat anymore, but here I am, now agreeing to supply as much breast milk as I can for another little baby.  Not MY baby, but a baby still!  How could I have the ability to help and then not do it?  This little baby is a girl, just like Mara.  How could I not help her?  If I was unable to breastfeed Mara for some reason, wouldn't I wish some caring person would come forward and be willing and able to help me feed her the very best, most nutritious food I could possibly feed her?  Of course I would.  So how could I not BE that caring person for someone else when I'm able?

Let's pretend for a second that I believe in God (not saying I don't, just saying I'm not 100% sure what to call what/who I believe in, so we'll just say God for simplification purposes).  God gave me a healthy baby girl.  God gave me a body that, with my help of course, produces really great, high-octane breast milk.  My healthy, growing girl is proof of this.  Not only that, but God gave me a body that makes a surplus of said high-octane milk!  Knowing what I know, this is a call to help.  There is almost no reason that things should have gone as smoothly for me as they have (knock on wood), given what all my doctors always said.  God blessed me with a mostly smooth, very healthy pregnancy and the best daughter I could ever dream of.  I owe it to God and the world to help out when I can.  I can pay it forward that much.  It's the least I can do.

So I'll be continuing to keep my supply up and help my friend build her freezer stash before the baby is born sometime in July (a good month.  My birthday is in July too!).  Mara will be 8 months old in July.  Wow. That's crazy to imagine!  Little bug is growing up so fast!

Baby's first ponytail :)

4.8.15