Yesterday I went across the street to the shopping center to go to Great Clips. I needed to get a trim for my hair and a few layers cut into it. Corky was home with Mara so I took off for an hour. As I was leaving, he asked me to run to Dairy Queen on my way and get him some french fries, which I agreed to do.
Next to my neighborhood and across the street from the shopping center is a middle school. School was just getting out for the day as I finished at Great Clips and walked to Dairy Queen, and when I got there it was choked with teenagers. Yikes!
I went in, stood in line, ordered the french fries for Corky, paid and waited for them to call my number.
As I stood there, I could feel my face getting warm. It felt like everyone was judging me. I felt so ashamed, for some reason, for ordering french fries even though they weren't for me. I do not understand why I felt this way! The lady who took my order didn't even bat an eye at the words that I said. She just rang me up, handed me my change and receipt and said, "You're number 134."
As for all the patrons, well... I'm sure they didn't even notice me. It's not that I'm so full of myself that I think everyone notices or cares, it's just my eating disorder freaking out and making me feel ashamed about food. The french fries weren't for me but nobody knew that. But even if they were, so what?? All those people are there for food too and I'm not judging them! So if they were judging me for being there for the same reason, then that would make them hypocrites and who cares what hypocrites have to say!
It's kind of the same reason I often cannot eat by myself in a restaurant. I'd have to be pretty damn hungry to order something in a restaurant by myself. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever done it (at a real, sit-down restaurant I mean.) I don't even do it at Starbucks very often! Getting a coffee by myself at Starbucks is one thing but food is another. If I had Mara with me it would be easier because if, heaven forbid, anyone did look at me and decide to judge me, at least they would see that I have a baby. Then they might think, oh, she has a baby. She has to eat because she's probably nursing, but even if she's not, well, babies take a lot of energy so that's okay then. When in reality, I'm sure nobody even thinks about it at all!
But if I'm by myself and eating something, I feel like people would look at me and think I'm weak and piggish for eating. It's so ridiculous because nobody cares at all but my eating disorder makes me feel like everyone is criticizing me. Sigh!
I never said it made sense!
I can totally relate! I remember i used to get so embarrassed to eat in public. When i ws really slim i felt judged, as though everyone knew i would purge after...and at a normal weight, i still felt judged, because i didn't think i looked like i needed to eat. As if every single person on the planet doesn't need to eat?!? But generally...i honestly think no one notices...and if they do, they really don't care.
ReplyDelete