Good Zumba Day

You know how it always happens when you can't find something, it appears as soon as you stop looking for it?  "It was in the last place I looked," people say.  That saying always amuses me.  Well, of course it was in the last place you look!  Once you find it you're not going to look any more!  

Anyway, today that same kind of thing happened, except it wasn't a tangible thing I was looking for.  As I may or may not have mentioned on here, Zumba was not my favorite thing on Earth the last week or two (or three.)  There was no energy in my classes.  I felt like I was being sucked dry!  I couldn't remember why I loved Zumba.  

Then the stereo system at one of my jobs broke.  That same week, at the other gym I work at, I had a Friday night class that absolutely NOBODY showed up to.  There is nothing worse than having a crappy stereo system EXCEPT having nobody show up to a class.  I was so done.  So ready to quit.  Today I spoke to the other three Zumba instructors at the gym where the stereo quit and told them, "if they don't fix this stereo system by Saturday, I'm putting in my notice!"

Naturally, as soon as I make up my mind to do that, I have 2 of the best Zumba experiences I've had in many months.  Of course!

The first one: yesterday I went to my friend R's class at the athletic club where I'm a member (and often substitute at.)  He asked me if I wanted to teach a few songs -  a common thing among Zumba instructors.  I did a new Zumba song I got called "Zaleilah."  This morning I got a message from a woman who was in the class.  She told me that she's been going through some troubles lately and that song really lifted her spirits and made her feel better at that time.  She thanked me for doing that song and asked if I taught any other classes that she might be able to attend or if I knew where she could find some African dance classes (since the song had some African moves that she enjoyed immensely.)  

When I read that, I was like, "oh yeah... this is why I do what I do!"  I was on the receiving end of that at one time.  I know what she is feeling!

The second experience: tonight's class at the gym where I was going to quit!  I had a good sized class (about 20 people.)  They were quite upbeat and smiling, reacting to me (such as answering me when I asked, "how ya doing?")  After class these 2 girls came up to me.  

"You're so good!" One of them exclaimed.  "You got some moves!"

I thanked them and talked with them for a few minutes.  One of them was at her 2nd ever Zumba class and the other was brand new!  I was her first Zumba experience!  OY!!!!! That always makes me nervous when I hear that.  LOL.  I hope she liked it!  One of them even said to me, "you're so pretty!"  I was like "WHAT did you SAY???"  

Part of me was elated at these experiences.  Another part of me was like "Noooooooo!"  I wanted say, "let me go!"  I had just made up my mind to leave...

Sorry, this entry isn't making much sense.  I'm tired and stressed (about school, not work for once!) and should probably go to bed.  But I just wanted to try to record this amazing turn of events before I forgot it all or it wore off or something.

Zaleilah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxlUL0npdAQ

My vlog update about Zumba from today (before the class): 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoHX1Dp53Tk

ZUMBAAAA!!!!!!

Ghost Encounters - Paul ('06 and '08)

It's been a while since I've written about ghosts.

So, I thought I would share with you another one of my encounters with the spirit world.  This one involves my sister, Hannah, and several toy horses.

My parents' house is haunted.  No question.  (See December 2012 entry titled "Chicken" to read about another encounter in that house.)  I believe there were as many as three separate spirits/ghosts in that house at any given time.  One was my paternal grandmother.  One was a spunky spirit who just wanted attention.  I believe this to be the spirit that knocked on the wall in the encounter I wrote about in the December entry.  The third one was not quite so nice.  I'm not sure he (not even sure how I know it's a he) was evil, necessarily,  but I don't think he is a very happy dude.  

My sister and I, independently of one another, starting calling him by a name.  Imagine our surprise when we discovered we had chosen the same name: Paul!  We were floored.  Anyway, Paul never showed himself fully like my grandmother did. (Actually, come to think of it, one time my sister saw our maternal grandfather in her doorway, clear as day.  The eeriest thing about it for her was that he died 3 years before she was even born and she only recognized him from pictures!  How freaky!  She was only six at the time!)  

Paul always appeared like a shadow.  Very tall, at least six feet, broad shoulders, pitch black.  He just ate up light all around him.  You couldn't miss him no matter how hard you tried.  He'd move and you'd see him and turn your head and he'd be gone... but you had seen him still.  I can't tell you how many times I had friends over who would suddenly snap their heads to the side and say, "what was that??"  I would always say, "nothing... I didn't see anything," because it was so much easier to do that than to say, "oh, just our resident shadow ghost."  They'd have been screaming out the door faster than I could blink.

Hannah and I have always been a little afraid of Paul.  Aside from the fact that he's a giant black mass, he has a nasty habit of looming around when you're by yourself.  You just know he's there!  Anyway, on to the experience:

In the summer of 2006, my sister (then age 9, almost 10) was sitting on the floor in the family room playing with 6 or 7 toy horses on the floor.  She had all of them but one lined up side by side and the last one was in her hand, "talking" to the others.  

(ok sorry this is freaky, I have to interrupt myself to tell you all that as I'm sitting here typing this story about ghosts, my dog Abigail just leaped off the couch where she had been dead asleep and ran over and started growling, howling and barking at the stairs.  There is nothing there!!!!!)

I was walking past the doorway to the family room, on my way to the kitchen and I stopped to talk to Hannah.  Their house has a pretty open floor-plan so when I say "doorway" what I mean is a giant 8 foot wide doorjamb that nearly reaches the ceiling.  Anyway, as I was standing there talking to Hannah about whatever it was, her row of toy horses fell over.  Like dominoes.  We blinked for several seconds.  This was not an uncommon occurrence for us.

"Paul!" I scolded.

Suddenly, Hannah's eyes widened and she I realized she was staring at a spot just over my shoulder.  All the hair on the back of my neck and on my arms stood up.  I didn't dare move.

"He's behind me, isn't he?" I said.

Hannah nodded slowly.  Then her eyes tracked to my left, and a moment later I saw the familiar shadow out of the corner of my eye, ducking into the dining room (that has a real, normal sized doorway.)

Almost exactly 2 years later, my bestie G was visiting me from Canada.  She had been sleeping on an air mattress in my room.  We were downstairs, about to go somewhere I think, and she had to run upstairs to grab something really quick.  I had mentioned something about ghosts but I had not told her about Paul, specifically.  

G started up the stairs (which curve around to the right) while I waited near the bottom.  About 2/3 of the way up, she stopped abruptly, turned white and came dashing back down.  "Kate!" she hollered, although I was standing right there.  "There's a man in the doorway of your room!"

"How tall was this man?" I calmly asked, suspecting that she had just met Paul.

"Tall! Really tall!  And it just looked like he was a shadow!"

Damn.  That's him.  "Come on, let's go, and I'll explain what just happened."  Needless to say, G didn't want to go back up to my room by herself for the rest of the time she stayed with me!

So that's Paul.  Not sure who he was, although I've heard some rumors.  I haven't heard anything about him from Hannah lately.  I haven't seen him since 2009 when I moved out for the last time.  Gosh I hope he didn't follow me here!!! 

Is anybody out there?

I kind of feel all alone.  I mean, I know there's people out there who are struggling too, many worse than me.  But in my own little world here I feel really alone.  I mean really alone!  Because ultimately I am alone!  I'm alone in my head with these horrible thoughts and feelings and wishes.  Other people can walk away from me and my eating disorder but I can't do that.  

In my world, my daily life, I'm definitely the minority.  We all are, unless we're in a treatment facility or something!  I have a few friends who have dealt with (or are currently dealing with) an eating disorder, but I kind of feel like there's this unspoken rule between me and most of them and that is: don't talk about it much.  Well, you can talk about it but not about how bad it really is.  Not much, anyway.  So it's like "camaraderie, yay!" but we're all hiding the darkest stuff that really needs to come out the most.

"Hey.  I'm hurting."

"I'm scared."

"I'm lonely."

"Do you understand me?"

These are all things that we'd probably like nothing more than to say, but we can't.  Either because of that unspoken rule (which is just my opinion) or because the people around us just don't get it!  There aren't words in the English language sufficient to describe the way I feel right now.  How much it hurts.  How deeply it hurts!  How tired I am.  How very amazingly, chokingly, absurdly sad I am at this very moment in time.

Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to die!  It's not like that.  I don't wish for death.  It's more like I just wish I were never here in the first place.  Obviously that can't come to pass because I'm here!  So... aside from that... I'm just tired.  Something has to change.  In the end it's one of two things: either I kill ED or ED kills me, right?  Is the former even possible?  I don't know!  I would say "no" based on the evidence thus far.  That doesn't necessarily mean it's not ever going to be possible but all I have to go on is the evidence I have.  What if I'm just sick forever?  

What if this is really as good as it gets?  I can live this way... I guess!  

Ever since I was a young kid I've had this saying and it goes like this: "I'll live through it."  My childhood friend, whose nickname was Addy (her real name will remain secret) said it once regarding something trivial like an appointment that she didn't want to go to or something.  I can't remember what exactly was going on in my life at that time but I was about 9 years old.  Ever since then, when things are hard or unpleasant, I remember Addy's words.  In fact, I can still hear her voice in my head, saying that.  "I'll live through it."

Also, there was this cassette tape my parents had for me when I was really young (like 3 or 4 years old) and it had all these kid songs on it sung by famous people.  There was one by Kenny Loggins called "Some Kitties Don't Care" and it was about how some cats care about how their fur looks and some don't.  Dr. John sang "Splish Splash I Was Takin' A Bath," and there was one called "Nobody Knows But Me" which was about imaginary friends. LOL!!!!!  Anyway, there was one called "Ginny the Flying Girl" sung by Janis Ian and that song got into my brain somehow and made a little hole for itself there.  Maybe that song is why I love birds and flying so much.  Maybe it's how/why I live with my head in the clouds more than half the time.  Maybe it's why I often dream I am flying.  

(on a slightly humorous note, I am phobic of balloons so one of the lyrics in the song absolutely horrifies me.  You'll know which one when you read it! LOL!)

Here is a link that should allow you to listen to the song...
http://www.myspace.com/wwwmyspacecomjanisian/music/songs/ginny-the-flying-girl-56189628

Here are the lyrics:

Ginny the Flying Girl (sung by Janis Ian)

Ginny the flying girl
wanted to see the world.
Her parents were poor 
and they couldn't afford
to send her away for a whirl.

She waited until they slept.
Then into the night she crept.
With only the stars and
the cold light of Mars,
Ginny took off like a jet.

She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh, for the life of a bird."

She lived in a tiny room
surrounded by huge balloons.
The covers would fly 
past her magical eye 
and the pillow saluted the moon.

At night when the lights went out
she'd take to the sky and shout
"hey Milky Way lead me on 'til the day
says 'hello', 'til the nights turn about."

She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh for the life of a bird."

Whenever the world won't bend,
whenever I need a friend,
I just close my eyes 
and I reach for the sky and
I know I can make it again.

Whenever my dreams run dry,
just when I need to cry,
whenever it all 
looks to big or too tall
I remember that I can fly.


She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh for the life of a bird."

Picture Dump 4.26.13

A random smattering of pictures from the last week or 2. :)

This is what Corky calls "Kate Food" 4.17.13

Piiiiiiink!!!!

Lol.

Was not expecting to see him! 

<3 favorite <3

I laughed so hard....

"HiYAAAHHH!"

Video still #1

Video still #2

(YouTube channel: katenotkatie87)

Today. 4.26.13

All the smile I could muster.

Inexcusable, unnecessary, no way.

There is absolutely no reason on God's green Earth for me to weigh this much.  There is no reason for it at all.  It is inexcusable, unnecessary and it is definitely NOT okay with me.

Obviously I got on the scale this morning.  I do it every Friday because I need to make sure I stay close to the weight I was when I got fitted for my wedding dress.  I've been recording it every week and I am beyond horrified to see that the trend is going UP!  

THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME!!!!!

All I can come up with is that it must be muscle.  I don't care what it is, I just want it down. It's all I want.  Every wish on a star, dandelion, candle, penny in a fountain, everything for the past several years has been "I wish to lose weight."  Especially lately.  Summer is coming and I hate my body.  Let me tell you, as a person with an eating disorder there is almost no worse place to be.  It's the most horrible feeling.  I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

At this rate, my wedding dress won't fit at all!

You know what I think it is?  I haven't been doing as much Zumba, instead I've been bike riding, running, doing some Cross-Fit-Like stuff.  I used to go to Zumba 6-7x per week (or more.)  Now I haven't gone since Tuesday when I taught last!  I'm so over Zumba right now but apparently that's the only thing that was keeping my weight in check!  

Fuck this.  I am so unhappy.  I never want to eat again.  Why can't all our vitamins and nutrients come in a little pill, then we take the pill and we're done with it.  No temptation, no decisions, just one little pill and we're good.  Imagine how much more time we'd have in the day if we didn't have to eat!  Wouldn't that be great?

People say things like, "that number doesn't define you!"  Well, no... but it does define your weight!  And when your weight is the most important thing, it can define how your day goes, or even your week!  "Don't let it hold power over you!  I don't let my weight hold power over ME," They say.  To me, that's code for, "I'm fat and too lazy to do anything about it so I just try to empower myself so I can get through the day without being suicidal."  Not interested in that, thanks.

Today is going to be a total "purge" (sorry.. couldn't get a better word) of my kitchen.  Anything fatty, anything heavy.. into the trash it goes.  Fat free everything from today until forever.  I just have to.  It's the only option!

I Ran (not Iran)

A tough week, but I am tougher.

Shocking, I know, that sentence was not in my typical maroon colored font.  But it's important.

I just came back in from a run, and it was magnificent.  So I wanted to sit down right away and document it for you guys before I forget it.

As you know from my last few posts, this week (that is, these last 5-7 days) has been hell.  Absolute hell.  I cannot wait for it to start going on the upswing again.  It's so ironic.  I make it my mission to find JOY everywhere and then the universe is like, "nope, sorry!"  Actually I kind of feel like I'm losing my mind.

So today, it's 65 F and sunny.  I decided to go for a run and get my endorphins going and see if I can't find a little joy along the way.  I did a little warm-up workout in my living room (see Challenge post) and then tied on my runners and out the door I went.

Right from the start I could feel the sun.  It was on my back, spreading over my bare shoulders like a blanket.  It was warming me.  I imagined I was solar powered and the sun was charging my batteries, like Wall-E.  Blip, blip, blip, DDUUUUNNNNN!  I'm alive!  I ran along the outer back edge of my neighborhood and saw people sitting in their back yard observing the creek.  Lovely.

Then I came to a small hill.  My legs were already tired from running yesterday, but I swung my arms extra hard and propelled myself up the hill.  Thankfully the sidewalk flattened out again and stayed flat for another few minutes.  

As I was running past a building of flats (that I actually remember them building.  My sister and I went into it while it was still a skeleton building in 2009 when I first moved here) I realized what Outkast was singing about when he said "roses smell like poo-poo."  It wasn't roses I smelled but it was some flower and it smelled awful.  I had to laugh.

My shoes pounded over the first footbridge, the smell of the wood hot in my nose.  For some reason I thought I saw smoke but then I never smelled any.  I ran up another slight hill, across another wood footbridge and around a grassy area full of dandelions and little tiny daisies.  

Then I came to it: "the Citadel."  The Citadel is actually 112th Ave or something.  It's a residential street but it's quite steep.  There's actually another hill (113th) that I've since named "The Citadel" and now this one is "the Little Citadel" but today it seemed like the real thing.  Fortunately, I didn't have to run up the Citadel today, but down was just as hard since my legs were aching.  Down the Citadel I went!  About 50 feet from the bottom I realized my body was getting all out of whack.  My legs absolutely screamed as I pulled my body back on top of them and continued down.  Immediately the road goes right back up again, which was not much relief.

As I chugged up the small incline, I looked at my legs.  They looked strong.  Not as small as I'd like, but they weren't too terrible.  Well, I thought, I've seen worse!  I also noticed that I wasn't really feeling my core "jiggle."  (I put that in quotes because some people say it doesn't actually jiggle, but I perceive it to be doing so.)  I felt strong.  It was nice.

I blew past 2 ladies and a stroller on the 3rd and final footbridge, then burst into what I call "Mystic Park."  It's actually called "George Foege Park" or something, but when I first found it, in November 2009, I came into it in the midst of a fog bank and it looked like it was 10,000 miles away from civilization, up in the clouds or something.  Ever since then it's been "Mystic Park" in my mind.  

After that it was pretty much "Boom, Boom, Boom" my feet on the pavement until I got to the Bullfrog area.  There's this wetlands at the bottom of my neighborhood that is home to like hundreds of bullfrogs in the summer and fall.  The sun was on my left side.  I felt great! My shoes sounded like they were saying, "run! run! run!" on the pavement.  I came out on Barnes Road, ran past this giant oak tree and past the little spot where the cops hide to catch speeders coming down the hill.  

 Almost home! I thought.  I turned into Timberland and before me stretched the final uphill piece.  Long and gradual.  No problem right?  Wrong!  With it came a headwind.  Oh. My. Goodness.  My legs screamed.  My lungs burned.  I was so determined not to walk!  I swung my arms, breathed as deep as I could, stretched out my legs and ran like hell.  Crossed one street, another, almost there, you can do it!  

I have never been so happy to crest a hill in my life.  I ran down the short decline to the traffic circle and walked the remaining 50 feet to my doorstep.

My endorphins are pumping now.  My legs are so tired.  I have to teach Zumba at 6:30 but at least I feel good about myself.  That's a start, right?  And I got some Vitamin D.  Extra bonus.

XO

By A Thread

Continuation...
...of earlier post.

Well, actually, it's not so much a continuation as it is a reevaluation.  I started posting this morning feeling pretty good.  Then that text came about my job and it was all over.  I just wanted to go back to bed and have the day start over again and me not look at my phone....

Basically what happened is this:  one of my co-workers is moving away this summer.  She teaches Wednesday evening and Saturday morning Zumba.  I was told a few months back that I'd get her classes when she left.  Then, shortly after that, I was told that I would be getting the Friday night class (that I still have) and that another girl would be taking over Wednesday and Saturday.  Then, just a few weeks ago, I was told that I would, in fact, be taking over Wednesday and Saturday.  Then this morning, in a mass text, my boss told that other girl that she'd be getting them after all.  I AM SO PISSED!!!! I have had enough of being taken advantage of by everybody.

I was supposed to have my "friend" come do a photoshoot of Corky and me today.  Well.  She never showed.  Story of my life.  Honestly, it happens to me more than just about anyone I know.  Even my dad has said he agrees with that statement.  I was so irritated.  

Corky suggested we go to the Woodburn Outlet stores and then to see his friend (whose fiancée just gave birth to their 2nd child a few weeks ago) and then out for dinner before coming home to watch the Portland Timbers play the San Jose Earthquakes (they tied.)  So the day ended up being fine.  I got some clothes from the Forever 21 outlet store that are cute and weren't very expensive.  I called it "retail therapy."  We went to Red Robin for dinner.  I had salad.  All in all it was a pretty good time.  

All day long I've struggled to hang onto that thought of "I want joy. I want to be happy."  At one point I said to Corky, "I don't think being happy is something I'm allowed to have."  As I mentioned in my earlier post, I'm trying my damndest to find joy in little, everyday things and I feel like I'm meeting oppression or opposition in that endeavor everywhere I turn.  

As you'll see from the three photos I'm going to post in a second, I tried to elevate my mood by taking some funny pictures and some "I look skinny-ish" pictures, but ultimately it was art that helped.  I've been doodling in that small sketchbook I got the other day and it seems to help a little.

I have this weird, overwhelming desire to sell everything we own, buy a boat and go live off the coast of Hawaii or something.  I don't even know.

Good night world and may tomorrow be a better day. XOXO

A Change and a Challenge

Morning!

Okay, first things first.  I came across this on facebook last night and I am SO intrigued!  I always love a challenge... especially a fitness challenge!  Anybody want to join me?  LOL!  Most people wouldn't like to subject themselves to torture like this, so I won't be surprised if nobody takes me up on it.

Yesterday and today my friend J has been spending some time with Corky and me, taking our pictures. Yes!  I am voluntarily getting in front of someone else's camera!  (Shocking, I know.  The camera adds 10 pounds, yadda yadda.)  She's doing this for us for 2 reasons.  The first is that she's doing our pre-wedding photos.  Some will likely be displayed at the wedding reception itself.  The second reason is that she's trying to start a business in photography.  She's really good!  So that's been kind of fun.  Yesterday morning Corky and I took Abigail to the "Portland French Bulldog Meet-Up" and we brought J and her camera.  I heard a few clicks so I know she got some shots.  Of what I do not know, but I am excited to see what she comes up with.

The "Joy" idea is still kind of sticking around.  However, I feel like I'm running into oppression everywhere!  I'm so confused.  People say they want me to be happier and I'm trying but... like I'll say something like "let's buy this little $2 toy, it's little balls that you put in water and they grow and you can bounce them and they're fun!"  "No, Abigail might eat them."  "Well.... we could play with them in another room..." "No."  

Okay, I am sorry... I must interrupt my "broadcast" (if you will) to say that I think I am going to quit Zumba!  You may remember a post I made a month or 2 ago about how I got screwed over by my one job.  I wanted the Tues/Thurs classes, I deserved them, but someone else got them instead.  Well, that was irritating.  I just got a text.... Now it's happening AGAIN!!!! At my other job!!!!  Sorry, can't go into detail at this moment, I'm too pissed off.

What was that I was saying about joy?  Sorry... I lost it.  Maybe next time.

Transcription 1

Sorry, 2nd post in one day but I have been meaning to transcribe some of my journal entries into this blog.  Just so you can see what goes on in my head in more moment-to-moment kind of way.  If you don't care to know, don't read on.

Note: these are not going to be in any kind of order.  I mean, they'll be in order in each entry but I might go from doing April this entry to last October in the next transcription entry.  So we'll just see.

Tues 4/2/13
XSB 183 (room number)
9:45am
School.  Here we go again.  I hope I can lose some weight soon.  I hope I make it through this term!
It appears as though the teacher is youngish looking black girl.  Not what I expected from Mastarone, G.
I just saw on the powerpoint that there will be a clip from South Park.  God help me.  This building has a unisex bathroom.
So far today, 2 pieces of gum.  But it is not even 10am yet so that's not much of an accomplishment.  OMG if Heather (therapist) knew these things I write... LOL!
C.A. is having her baby today.  Maybe she already did!
OMG the guy 2 chairs down from me will not stop sniffing.  Like Tourette's.

CH 58 (room number)
1:45pm
HALLELUJAH!  CH 58 is in the creepy basement but it has cushioned seats!!! It won't hurt my ass.  Woot!
So today I only ate 1 Greek yogurt, 1 apple and 1 bowl of cereal (and a few chocolate chips.) After class I'll meet T @ Washington Square and then teach Zumba.  Which reminds me, Boom called & told me they're canceling my Friday class and Boom Camp.  I don't teach Boom Camp so I don't care about that.  I wish they'd told me like a week ago!  I'd have taken MWF classes.  J was so pissed.  She went there at lunch.  I'll have to text her after class.  I got a bomb parking spot!  Right in front of Vue!

Anyway if I just get salad for dinner I should be fine.  I need to stay at around XXX (weight) in order for my wedding dress to fit. :-/

1:55pm
Can't believe I'm seeing so many ridiculously thin people!  Makes me doubt those damn charts that said I'm in the 5th percentile.

Prof. R is not here yet.

Apparently the "Freshman 15" is no longer a thing.  It's either the "Freshman 20-30" or the "Freshman Negative 10!"

OOOOMMMGGG Prof R grew facial hair & he looks really weird!!! :-O Like 10 yrs older!  Guess class is gonna start.

2:31pm
2 Fatties eating Smart Pop a few seats down.  They're so weak.  Don't they know that eating = fat?  Don't they care??  They keep reaching for more and more.  So gluttonous.  So greedy!  I would rather die than let people see me eat.

2:37pm
MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!!!!

2:41pm
OMG the one fatass girl has been eating constantly since the start of class 41 minutes ago.  And she's drinking from an Adidas water bottle.

Oh!  We're dismissed early!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Thurs 4/4/13
XSB 183
9:56am

PALEO DAY 1
I've already broken Paleo 2x this morning.  I put 2 splenda in my herbal tea, but that's because I forgot my coffee.  But that'd have broken Paleo too because it had FF French Vanilla creamer & FF milk.  I figure if it's just breaking Paleo to put stuff in my morning coffee/tea then it's not too bad.  I brought an apple & soup that I made.

I have to sub for S @ 6 so I told Heather that I'm sick & can't come at 5 - LOL.

I went to C's class last night & S(2) was there.  It went fine.

CH 53
1:54pm
Ugh.  Cleanse plus Paleo plus school... Not a good combination.  I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy Paleo very much.  But I'll give it a shot.  How long?  A week? 2 weeks?  A month?
Today I've eaten 1 apple (80?), 1 banana (100) and 1 cup soup (100?)  Even if those are all generous that's 280!  God I'm hungry.  But so powerful.

Joy Faltering

The joy idea is wavering.  It started out strong yesterday, but wavered by day's end.  I am just so anxious!  It's mostly regarding school and my complete inability to concentrate and do school work.

Yesterday I walked for probably about 4 or 5 hours.  Every time I tried to sit down and get anything done I'd get so anxious, so  jumpy inside, that I just had to get up and walk.  Late in the day I met my sister at the Union Cemetery by her (previously my) house.  This might sound weird to you, but let me explain:

When I was in the first grade, I was in Girl Scouts.  One fall, our troop leader decided we were going to go across the street from the school to the cemetery, the Union Cemetery,  and do crayon rubbings of graves.  (We were learning about art techniques or something.  How that applies to being a strong, brave Girl Scout I'll never know,  but I digress.)  Eight or ten little six - and seven-year-olds trundled across the street to the cemetery.  We were all pretty creeped out.  I mean, hello? There are dead people in here! 

Not long after we arrived, one of the other girls spotted this gravestone:

"It says 'KATE!'" she screamed.  Eight or ten pairs of wide eyes turned slowly to me.  

"You're DEAD!!!" "AHHHHH!!!!!!" "RUN!!!"

Everyone scattered.

"I'm not dead!" I yelled.  "Come back!"  But nobody did.  For the rest of the afternoon, any time I tried to get near one of my friends, they'd scream and run away from me.  So I sat by that gravestone and made crayon rubbing after crayon rubbing, in all different colors, of the very same grave.  It was very sad!  I was only six years old.  I didn't understand why everyone had to be so mean to me.  Turns out that would be a common theme in my elementary and middle school life.

Ever since then, whenever I got the chance or whenever life was hard, I could always "go see Kate."  My dad's parents are buried in a cemetery in Connecticut, which is obviously too far away to go whenever I want.  My mom's dad is buried someplace in South Dakota.  Same thing there.  When my mom's mom passes away someday, she'll be buried next to her husband.  So it's not like I can go to my grandparents' graves and put flowers or pebbles on the gravestones on their birthdays or deathdays.  

That's where Kate came in.  Her grave is under a pine tree and her gravestone is always covered in needles and twigs.  

"Hi Kate," I always say, brushing off her gravestone.  "How are you?  Your headstone is a mess!  But at least you're not being rained on!"  

I never knew Kate in life.  She was only dead about a year by the time I "met" her that day in first grade.  But she's brought me peace.  If Heaven is a real place, I wonder if she's met my grandparents.  I wonder if they'd get along.  Probably.  My grandparents were awfully hard not to like!

My sister H and I walked around the cemetery, looking at cool or old headstones, rolling people's names around in our mouths to see how they sounded.  I took some pictures of cool names or cool headstones.

This one has a castle on it, you might have to squint to see it:

Whenever I go see Kate, I always try to pick some flowers or a pretty plant to place on her headstone.  There's a little bouquet of flowers embossed into the upper left-hand side of her stone, and I always put the flowers there.  Sometimes I can pick daisies or Queen Anne's Lace.  Sometimes I can snag a daffodil.  Sometimes all I can find is a dandelion or two.  But dandelions are happy looking little weeds, aren't they?  And yellow is a happy, joyful color.  I'm sure Kate doesn't mind.

Joy

I am having a hard time figuring out how to put into words what has happened to me over the past few days.  So I apologize in advance if this is wordy or makes no sense.  

Could it be that you just get so sad and so tired of being so sad that your brain just does a complete 180?  In an instant you go from worrying about a million different things to just being?  Just living?  In a split second you are different.  The world is different.  The world looks different.  Do you think that is possible?

I think it is.  That's what happened to me today at 12:37pm.

It happened in this way:  I was walking between classes.  I usually walk down from PSU to the waterfront (about 8 blocks maybe?), then across the Hawthorne Bridge, along the river on the East side (Eastbank Esplenade), back across the Steele Bridge (3 or 4 bridges down, I do live in "BridgeTown" USA!) and then on to one of two routes depending on whether I'm walking 2 or 3 hours.  There's this part of Eastbank right before a bridge, I forgot exactly which bridge, where there's a platform and then the walkway slopes downward and then you're right on top of the water.  As I was approaching the platform before the downward slope, I had a thought.  

(Pause for a second, to add this: So, there's this person who is basically my thinspiration.  She's a friend of mine, but not one I've ever mentioned on this blog before.  Obviously I don't want to say her name.  In fact, I don't even want to use her first initial like I usually do with people on here, so I'll just give her a totally different name and call her "Jane."  I'm always wishing I looked like Jane.  Constantly.) 

The thought I had was, "in order to look like Jane, I need to live like Jane!"  Jane is a very joyful person.  And then I looked around me.  It was sunny!  When did that happen??  It's never ever EVER sunny in Portland in springtime, at least not for more than a minute at a time, until about halfway through May!  And I realized the sun had been out the entire time I'd been walking!  In fact, I was almost too warm in my purple Livestrong hoodie.  I almost needed to take off my hoodie!  IN APRIL!  This was getting a bit out of hand!

An overwhelming desire to feel joy flooded through my body from my heart all the way out to my fingers and toes.  Kind of like an orgasm, only different.  LOL!  My eyes widened behind my aviator sunglasses.  I actually stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, just before the platform.

I felt the need to be happy.  To see things through "happy glasses."  My aviators could be "happy glasses," could they not?  All of a sudden, the world looked really different.  And I don't mean it just looked amber-tinted because of my sunglasses.  

My legs!  I can walk!
My eyes! I can see!
My ears! I can hear!
My stomach can digest dairy!
My blood can hold onto sugar!
My hair can grow long!
My eyes do not need glasses!
My 10 fingers all work!
I can dance!
I can run!
I can learn!
I AM ALIVE!!!!

All these thoughts burst through my brain one after the other.  The ache in my shoulder from carrying my messenger bag seemed to ease.  In an instant I knew I needed to record this.

I don't have my journal on me at the moment, but this is what I did: I stopped walking which is actually very monumental.  I never do that.  I ran to the platform and sat down on a bench in the sunshine.  I pulled my journal (a black spiral notebook) out of my bag, got a pen and wrote. The time on the entry was 12:41pm.  It was 12:37 when I first had those thoughts.  I wrote about how I wanted to look, feel, be like Jane.  I wrote, "so I'm fat - ok, I want to experience the joy in getting thinner!"

Walking.  Yoga.  Hot yoga.  Zumba.  Eating good food.  Eating.  Those are the things I want to do and get joy from.  I want to be wild, spontaneous, free and happy.  Not because Jane is like that.  Because I want to be like that.  

At that moment, I made  up my mind that this Spring and Summer are going to be amazing.  I actually really hate Spring.  It's my very, very least favorite time of year.  But hey, I thought, I'm more than halfway through April now!  May will come.  Then June.  Eventually Oregon will get a summer season.  Someday!  Until then I will deal with the rain.  But for now, it is sunny!

I put away my journal and kept walking.  At 1:01pm I decided I'd better start heading back in the direction of campus.  But then I had another thought.  I want to feel joy.  I knew I would not feel joy sitting in a classroom for 2 hours.  I knew it was also wrong to skip class.  I knew I'd feel a little guilty, probably, about skipping class.  

So I said out loud to myself, "what do I really want to do?  What will make me feel joy right now?  I am so tired of being sad."  The answer that came into my mind was a whisper from my heart.  Go home, it told me.  Take your dog to the dog park.  You can feel joy today.  In a heartbeat I grabbed my phone.  "Mom," I said, when she answered, "are you busy?"

We picked up my dog, Abby, and took her to the dog park.  She played for 35 straight minutes with 2 Great Danes, several labs, 2 Pitbulls, a Boston, a Beagle, an English Bulldog and many more.  My little piglet.  When she ran by me and glanced up, her big brown eyes sparkling, her tongue out and lips pulled back in a happy doggie grin, I felt her joy inside of me.  I felt joy by seeing her joy.  When Abby was all tuckered out, we loaded her up in the car, all hot and drooly.  We drove through Dutch Bros and got coffees and went home.

 As for skipping class? I didn't feel guilty at all.

Seen in a bathroom in Cramer Hall today

A pigeon and I look toward Eastbank

Why hello!

Abby

Zumba "uniform" 4.16.13

Z bling.

Warning...