Is anybody out there?

I kind of feel all alone.  I mean, I know there's people out there who are struggling too, many worse than me.  But in my own little world here I feel really alone.  I mean really alone!  Because ultimately I am alone!  I'm alone in my head with these horrible thoughts and feelings and wishes.  Other people can walk away from me and my eating disorder but I can't do that.  

In my world, my daily life, I'm definitely the minority.  We all are, unless we're in a treatment facility or something!  I have a few friends who have dealt with (or are currently dealing with) an eating disorder, but I kind of feel like there's this unspoken rule between me and most of them and that is: don't talk about it much.  Well, you can talk about it but not about how bad it really is.  Not much, anyway.  So it's like "camaraderie, yay!" but we're all hiding the darkest stuff that really needs to come out the most.

"Hey.  I'm hurting."

"I'm scared."

"I'm lonely."

"Do you understand me?"

These are all things that we'd probably like nothing more than to say, but we can't.  Either because of that unspoken rule (which is just my opinion) or because the people around us just don't get it!  There aren't words in the English language sufficient to describe the way I feel right now.  How much it hurts.  How deeply it hurts!  How tired I am.  How very amazingly, chokingly, absurdly sad I am at this very moment in time.

Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to die!  It's not like that.  I don't wish for death.  It's more like I just wish I were never here in the first place.  Obviously that can't come to pass because I'm here!  So... aside from that... I'm just tired.  Something has to change.  In the end it's one of two things: either I kill ED or ED kills me, right?  Is the former even possible?  I don't know!  I would say "no" based on the evidence thus far.  That doesn't necessarily mean it's not ever going to be possible but all I have to go on is the evidence I have.  What if I'm just sick forever?  

What if this is really as good as it gets?  I can live this way... I guess!  

Ever since I was a young kid I've had this saying and it goes like this: "I'll live through it."  My childhood friend, whose nickname was Addy (her real name will remain secret) said it once regarding something trivial like an appointment that she didn't want to go to or something.  I can't remember what exactly was going on in my life at that time but I was about 9 years old.  Ever since then, when things are hard or unpleasant, I remember Addy's words.  In fact, I can still hear her voice in my head, saying that.  "I'll live through it."

Also, there was this cassette tape my parents had for me when I was really young (like 3 or 4 years old) and it had all these kid songs on it sung by famous people.  There was one by Kenny Loggins called "Some Kitties Don't Care" and it was about how some cats care about how their fur looks and some don't.  Dr. John sang "Splish Splash I Was Takin' A Bath," and there was one called "Nobody Knows But Me" which was about imaginary friends. LOL!!!!!  Anyway, there was one called "Ginny the Flying Girl" sung by Janis Ian and that song got into my brain somehow and made a little hole for itself there.  Maybe that song is why I love birds and flying so much.  Maybe it's how/why I live with my head in the clouds more than half the time.  Maybe it's why I often dream I am flying.  

(on a slightly humorous note, I am phobic of balloons so one of the lyrics in the song absolutely horrifies me.  You'll know which one when you read it! LOL!)

Here is a link that should allow you to listen to the song...
http://www.myspace.com/wwwmyspacecomjanisian/music/songs/ginny-the-flying-girl-56189628

Here are the lyrics:

Ginny the Flying Girl (sung by Janis Ian)

Ginny the flying girl
wanted to see the world.
Her parents were poor 
and they couldn't afford
to send her away for a whirl.

She waited until they slept.
Then into the night she crept.
With only the stars and
the cold light of Mars,
Ginny took off like a jet.

She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh, for the life of a bird."

She lived in a tiny room
surrounded by huge balloons.
The covers would fly 
past her magical eye 
and the pillow saluted the moon.

At night when the lights went out
she'd take to the sky and shout
"hey Milky Way lead me on 'til the day
says 'hello', 'til the nights turn about."

She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh for the life of a bird."

Whenever the world won't bend,
whenever I need a friend,
I just close my eyes 
and I reach for the sky and
I know I can make it again.

Whenever my dreams run dry,
just when I need to cry,
whenever it all 
looks to big or too tall
I remember that I can fly.


She rode through the sky like an elephant's eye
like the stars in a thundering herd.
And when she came down all the world had turned 'round
and all that the ground people heard was
"oh for the life of a bird."