Here is the overdue post about my visit to Eating Disorder Center of Portland (EDCP). Sorry it's a little late. I needed some time to collect my thoughts. I actually have an appointment with my therapist today, and I'm sure she'll want to talk about it, so this post may actually be premature! But I have a few other things to mention besides talking about my EDCP visit, so at least it won't be pointless!
The short version of the EDCP Visit Story is this: I am not impressed.
To elaborate, I am going to do this like I've done with my dress fitting posts; that is to say, I'm going to write it like a narrative. That's just how I roll. If you don't like that, sorry about it. ;)
My usual go-to method of getting somewhere that I'm unfamiliar with is to put it into my iPhone map app and go from there (or rather, go TO there.) However, that proved unhelpful this time. So I actually ended up having to call my mom using my hands free and get her to look at a map and direct me as I went. After a few missed turns, which was ridiculous because my PMHNP is in a building like 300 feet away from EDCP, I finally made it. I met Alena's brother, G, as he was walking in.
"Where are we supposed to park?" I yelled out the window to him. "All these spots say reserved!"
"I don't know.." he said. "I just parked wherever! Guess I'll ask them."
So I just parked in a reserved spot in an empty row and prayed I wouldn't get towed. (I didn't.)
Once in the lobby, G and I endeavored to find the place. I knew it was Suite 100, but I couldn't see any suite signs. We found an index sign, saying the name of each company housed in that building and which suite they were in. However, there were 2 problems with that: 1) we already knew the suite number but that didn't matter because 2) there was no suite 100 listed! Finally I found it around a corner, totally unmarked. Thanks guys, super helpful there!
We went in and a young woman in a blue dress and boots that didn't match at all came up and said, "Hi! You must be Kate! I'm M, the dietician."
Okay, pause a second. I hate that. Why "must" I be Kate? How does she know I'm not someone else? Honestly! Unless my therapist tipped her off to what I look like, how does she know who I am? How does she know some other person, perhaps in outpatient, doesn't have an appointment that same day or something? I could be anybody! But I digress.
The main reason I was at EDCP on Tuesday was to meet the dietician and talk to her about the mealplan. I am definitely not cool with mealplans that don't involve exchanges. My awful experience in treatment involved a mealplan where everyone ate basically the same thing. That doesn't work for me for a few reasons. First of all, everyone's bodies are different, outside and inside. I don't want to eat the same number of calories as a 5'8" woman eats! That's ridiculous! I'm 5'4"! The calorie numbers need to be more individualized for me to feel comfortable. I may or may not have mentioned this before, but this was my main concern. The other reason this doesn't work for me is because it usually means there are limited choices and I hate that. Not that I'm the queen of variety anyway, but I like to have my options.
Anyway, in the hall at EDCP, I shook the dietician's hand, introduced G, and she lead us into a small conference room to talk. To make a (ridiculously) long story short, here is what happened: I asked vague-ish questions, she gave super vague responses. I asked slightly more direct questions, she talked in circles, just as vague as before. I came right out and asked "what do people eat here?" She talked in more circles, confusing G and me as to where she was going with this.
Then she said a most horrendous thing: "Periodically I bring in surprise snacks for everyone."
.... WHAT did you SAY????? I slowly snuck my eyes to the right to look at G and see if he was having a reaction to that statement. Thankfully, he was! His eyes were wide. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that surprise snacks are a scary idea for an anorexic. I didn't think it was her best move to tell me that at this point.
I must have had an awful look on my face because she quickly tried to back track, saying things like "well, sometimes they're optional..." But that really just made it worse. I was already not feeling overwhelmingly great about this place but that very nearly sealed it for me. But, "keep an open mind," I reminded myself, and tried to get past it.
The other thing I was displeased with was that they do meal outings. Actually, meal outings are not a problem for me. The problem was that they do meal outings for lunch. I hate lunch. I hate the word lunch. I hate everything about lunch. I don't "go out for lunch." I just don't do it. So that was kind of sucky.
One good thing I'll say is that they give patients the option to "boost out" of stuff. So like if you can't deal with the meal outing (like me) then you can "boost out of it" which means you don't eat at the meal outing (or don't eat everything you're supposed to) and then make up for it back at clinic. Some people boost with ensure, some boost with nutrition bars, sometimes even with PB&J. They do really try to keep Ensure from being a punishment, which I thought was really good.
The biggest problem I had was their "you drive the bus" philosophy. I need more structure! One thing that sets this program aside from any other day treatment I've ever been in is that they have treatment on the weekends. Which would actually be really good for me because I don't believe I've ever had a weekend without symptoms ANY time I've been in treatment. If I did have any, there were so few of them that I can't remember them. On the other hand, this treatment literally interferes with EVERY SINGLE Zumba class I teach.
After sorta-kinda answering my questions without actually divulging any real information, M took G and me on a tour of the facility. My therapist H had told me that nobody I knew from group was in EDCP right now, although many of her clients are there (hmm....) But she was wrong. There was one girl. And it was awkward. She knew me, I knew her, but neither of us really wanted to wave at one another or anything. It was just very awkward. In addition, the other therapist who ran group with H works at EDCP. But I knew that already, and that's no problem for me. I like her.
Anyway, G asked M if there were any testimonials we could read. M answered that question true to form, meaning she didn't really answer it. With that unsatisfying answer, we thanked M for her time and left.
In the parking lot, G and I spoke for about an hour. He seemed to agree with me on most of my assessments of EDCP. Not horrible, not great.
My general opinion is that I'm too sick for EDCP. They want more independence than I feel I can muster. I almost need to be bossed around. They don't do that. Everything is "we encourage you to.... [insert verb here]." Honestly, my eating disorder is so stubborn that encouragement just isn't going to cut it.
Another thought is that I've tried a few times to recover without Zumba. Meaning I have to stop doing Zumba temporarily. That hasn't worked yet, and I'm not sure it will. I think I need to try to recover WITH Zumba. That might put a dent in people's "weight restoration" plans for me, but frankly I need to keep my sanity. That's not a fully formed thought yet but I'm working on it.
So that's that. In other news, I felt horrible the day before yesterday and yesterday. Tired, weak, out of breath, headachy. I taught THREE Zumba classes yesterday. I did not think I was going to survive, but somehow I did. I thought I'd pass the fuck out last night and sleep like the dead until 7:30 this morning when I had to get up to sub for my friend N at 8:00am (which by the way I think is a STUPID time to do Zumba!) But sadly that was not the reality. I barely slept for some reason. So this morning I taught Zumba with my eyes half open, downed a Monster Zero as soon as I got home, and have been wired with caffeine ever since.
Should be an interesting day!
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