EDCP

I have an appointment at 12:30 today to go see Eating Disorder Center of Portland (EDCP) and meet with their dietician.  I wouldn't say I'm nervous, exactly, but I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it either.  Alena's brother, G, is going with me (as I mentioned before) and thank god for that or else I probably wouldn't be going.  

Yesterday I saw my therapist.  She told me that if I look/seem as bad off as I did yesterday any more that she is going to call my dad, since he is the emergency contact I put.  Guess I'll just have to lie!  No way in hell am I letting her call him.  He'd flip out.  My therapist asked me when I'm seeing my naturopath again, and I said Friday.  She asked me what I would do if my naturopath told me to go to the hospital.  I said, "I probably wouldn't go."  I find it unlikely that she'll tell me to go there in the first place, but if she did I would probably say no.  Or that I'd go the next day.  I have to teach a class Friday night.

I can't go to treatment now anyway... I am getting my wisdom teeth out on the 20th.  No treatment place is going to want anything to do with me until after that is all healed up.  Furthermore, I can't go to treatment now because I have too many responsibilities.  I finally got the class at Sunset Athletic Club I'd been waiting over  year for.  It starts in September.  Fridays at 10:00am.  If I were to call J, the Group X coordinator, and say "oh, just kidding, I have to go to treatment!" I'd screw myself over big time with SAC.  I've just been given these responsibilities, now that L moved to Cali, I've got seniority at my other gym, Hardcore Training Studio.  Not that seniority means shit all in Zumba, but maybe.  I don't know.  I picked up L's Wednesday night class at Hardcore, and her Monday/Wednesday morning class at Ballroom Dance.  My schedule is flipping crazy.  If I drop all these classes I just earned, I'd fuck myself over in my career, perhaps irreversibly.  

I already did that once last fall.  I lost two jobs for good.  The people there won't ever take me seriously again.  In fact, one of the places the people were downright bitchy about it!  Goes to show you that people generally don't understand eating disorders.  Things like "Just eat!" get spoken so often it makes me want to scream.  

Furthermore, I can't go to treatment now because I need to fit into my wedding dress!  As someone so bluntly put it, after I showed her a picture of my dress, "oh, Kate!  Now you can't gain weight!"

Heaven knows I'd rather die than gain weight anyway.  

Nothing makes sense! I don't even make sense!!! Maybe if I do enough zumba, and eat little enough, I can just disappear and this whole problem will go away!  I know... that's not going to happen but I can dream, right?