Nightmares & Flashbacks

I've been having nightmares and flashbacks.  This is problematic enough, but here's the thing: when I've been having them, I am not asleep!!!!  I've been having space-out episodes like no other, but now they're being invaded by these awful memories.  Memories of a treatment place.

The reason this is all coming about in the last 24 hours is because I went to my therapist yesterday, and I brought my friend A with me.  My friend A has now given me permission to use her name in this blog, so that last sentence should now read "...I brought my friend Alena with me."  The reason I brought her was twofold:  first, I knew I could never be as honest with my therapist as I've been with Alena (which I really needed to do) unless Alena was RIGHT THERE with me.  The second reason was because I wanted her to see how eating disorder therapy can go sometimes.  As it turned out, the second goal wasn't really accomplished because we spent the entire time hashing out my second to least favorite topic: treatment.

It is the general consensus that I should go back to treatment again.  My labs are looking bad, my vitals are looking bad, my pallor is looking bad (apparently)... basically things are just not going so well.

St. V's, my preferred place of treatment, most likely won't take me back a 6th time.  Besides, they'd throw a shit fit about the fact that I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled on the 20th.  But that's a whole different story.

So my therapist mentions that there's a new treatment place that just opened up here in Portland and that she's having kind of a complex because all her patients are in treatment!  (Hmm...)  I asked a few questions and was thinking about it.  Then I asked one important question, "what about the food?" and the answer I got was almost a deal-breaker.  Actually, I said it was a deal-breaker at the time.  She told me that everyone eats the same thing for meals, the differences are in the snacks.

Oh no.  No way.  That's how it was at Kartini.  They made us all eat basically the same thing every meal.  They forced me to eat horrible stuff and caused me to gain 40 lb in 12 weeks.  THAT IS A LOT!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! It was definitely horrible and the 12-18 months that followed it were the darkest of my life.  I think back on it and wonder how on earth I even made it through.

Now I understand that this new place (Eating Disorder Center of Portland, or EDCP) isn't Kartini.  I understand that they aren't necessarily going to put 40 lb on me, or even any weight on me at all.  But the idea of having a meal plan that isn't totally individualized just doesn't sit well with me.  When my therapist answered my question that way, I sat frozen for a second or two because my brain and body were busy being flooded with memories and terror.  

It's not that I don't know I'm sick.  I do!  It's not that I want to be sick forever.  I don't!  But I'm not sure I can go to a place that's so similar.  Just 10 minutes ago I went to their website and even the pictures look like Kartini.  

Anyway, my therapist asked me if I'd be willing to go see the place and meet the dietitian, if she could arrange it.  I said I would.  Alena's brother G offered to go with me.  I was so relieved.  If G didn't come with me I'd probably be going by myself.  Alena's family has kind of "adopted" me as of late.  Which is exactly what I needed because my family is a little unhelpful at the moment.  So I'll go see EDCP with G on Tuesday the 13th.  I'll let you know how that goes.