Well! It appears this fetus has it's mama's stubborn spirit. My mom used to say "feisty is too nice a word for you, Kate." LOL! Thanks!
No more bleeding since Wednesday, but I do have this crazy pain. It feels as though my body is trying to hang onto this little thing and simultaneously trying to expel it! It's a very weird feeling.
Someone who reads this blog messaged me on facebook and said I should write about what it literally FEELS like. Physically feels like. Because one day I'm going to forget the struggle my body went through with this, and I should write it down so I can remember, and honor my body for all that it's dealing with. And to prove to myself, the next time I have a SuperGirl complex, that there IS something that can floor me and shut up my eating disorder all at the same time. (Which are all totally valid points.)
I am exhausted. I literally can't keep my eyes open for more than about 45 minutes at a time. Falling asleep in the car (not when I'm driving), laying on the couch for hours at a time, falling asleep in the middle of the day. This is NOT me! I do NOT do this! But I honestly do not think I could teach a Zumba class right now if I tried.
I have pain. A dull, constant, crampy ache in my lower abdomen. An occasional sharp pain on either the right or the left side. Sometimes I wake up with the pain, like today. Sometimes it doesn't come on until about 12 or 1pm, like yesterday. By the end of the day I am in a terrible mood. Something about being in constant pain for days turns me into Scrooge.
I am nauseated. This was actually one of the things that clued me in to the idea that I might in fact be pregnant. The interesting thing is, I do not have morning sickness. I have inverse-morning sickness! I am fine until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and then I start feeling REALLY sick. I don't feel super great at any time of day, but the afternoon is definitely worse, and by the time night comes, I'm miserable. Very interesting!
I am pale. I went by a mirror the other day and jumped! I look AWFUL! My face is a grayish color, almost yellow. I have dark circles around my eyes.
I am dizzy. Walking is not my favorite thing right now. It's tough to keep steady while walking. It will be interesting to see how I manage if/when I'm allowed to teach Zumba again!
So..... the hardest thing is not know what in the HELL is going on. What are they going to tell me at my ultrasound appointment tomorrow? Speaking of that, I totally blew up at Corky 2 nights ago. I was crying and yelling. I was mad at him for leaving me to do so much of this shit by myself the first few days. I drove myself to the ER, I did all the tests and exams at the ER by myself. When I came home and was ordered to rest, I did all the dishes and the laundry and continued packing to move by myself. Because he couldn't come home from work for even one hour to help me out. And he works about 30 seconds away by car, literally! I was mad that I was going to have to go to the ultrasound and then the OB-GYN appointment on Tuesday all by myself. I was just SO MAD. But since that night I have not had to touch a single dish, box or piece of laundry. So that's good.
Anyway, what are they going to tell me at the appointment tomorrow? I have no idea.
What do I HOPE they'll tell me? Well, in a perfect world, I hope they would tell me that the fetus is stronger now, hanging on fine, and that I can go back to teaching Zumba as long as I'm careful and don't do too much. The 2nd best thing they could tell me is that the fetus is hanging on a little more strongly than before, and I can't teach Zumba, but I can walk, do yoga or swim every day. Yes, I know that would be crazy to imagine for me, but I think I could do that. If they tell me I have to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy, I think I'll faint, cry my eyes out, and then finally agree. Yes, I would do that. But I would sure hate every f*cking minute of it! But I love this fetus. I want it. I would do that, if I had to.
What do I THINK they'll tell me? That it's dead. Or if it isn't dead now, that it will be soon. I'm just scared my body will be unable to expel it and I'll have to get it... cleaned out. Oh please oh please OH PLEASE don't let that happen!!!
And in case you wondering (which you very well may be), ED is not silent through all of this. I do have freak outs, many times per day, about how fat I must have gotten in the last week or so. But generally, right now, I feel SO CRAPPY that ED's voice is kind of faint. I want to be thin, yeah, but I want to be a mom more.
Please cross your fingers for my fetus and me tomorrow. I will let you guys know what happens! XOXOXO
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Not Knowing Is The Hardest
On Monday, March 24, I found out I was pregnant.
On Wednesday, March 26, I started having bleeding and pain.
On Friday, March 28, I went for a blood test, which didn't help much.
If you're a praying type, please pray for this fetus! If you're a Good Vibes type, please send good vibes to this fetus! If you are a wishing type, please wish good things for this fetus!
We love this little thing and want to see it, 8 months from now, screaming it's head off in a hospital. Not now.
On Wednesday my hormone level was 15,000. On Friday it was 21,000. Which is good because it went up, but it was supposed to double in 48 hours. Granted, I only gave it like 38 hours before I got it tested, but I don't know if that would affect it at all.
I have a viability ultrasound on Tuesday, April 1. Ironically, I'm going to miss my first 2 classes of spring term for this appointment. In the meantime, I've been told to REST. I can't teach Zumba. I can't go to the gym. I can't do anything! You can be sure this sucks and is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
But anyway. We'll just keep on keeping on. Like always, right? :) I'll let you know what happens!
I hope your weekend is great!! :) xoxoxo
On Wednesday, March 26, I started having bleeding and pain.
On Friday, March 28, I went for a blood test, which didn't help much.
If you're a praying type, please pray for this fetus! If you're a Good Vibes type, please send good vibes to this fetus! If you are a wishing type, please wish good things for this fetus!
We love this little thing and want to see it, 8 months from now, screaming it's head off in a hospital. Not now.
On Wednesday my hormone level was 15,000. On Friday it was 21,000. Which is good because it went up, but it was supposed to double in 48 hours. Granted, I only gave it like 38 hours before I got it tested, but I don't know if that would affect it at all.
I have a viability ultrasound on Tuesday, April 1. Ironically, I'm going to miss my first 2 classes of spring term for this appointment. In the meantime, I've been told to REST. I can't teach Zumba. I can't go to the gym. I can't do anything! You can be sure this sucks and is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
But anyway. We'll just keep on keeping on. Like always, right? :) I'll let you know what happens!
I hope your weekend is great!! :) xoxoxo
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Packing and other Randomness
I may have mentioned on here that Corky and I bought a house. It's so cool. It closes April 18th (hopefully) and here, in no particular order, are my favorite things about it:
-It has central vacuuming
-It has SIDE BY SIDE washer & dryer, as opposed to stacked
-It has a double oven (omg)
-It has a garage that is actually attached to the house
-It has a jacuzzi in the master bath
-It has a 3rd story room that is huge and we can turn it into anything we want
-It has 2 bedrooms PLUS the master
-It has a backyard (not huge, but better than nothing!)
And so on! Isn't that cool?? I'm beyond excited about the garage and stuff. Lol! Will be nice for when there's another person in the family someday too. :)
But... have I ever mentioned how much I HATE PACKING????? It sucks! There's just so much crap. I have absolutely no idea where to begin! We need to donate some stuff, sell some stuff, throw away some stuff.... but the trouble is that we're both always so busy that it's hard for us to spend more than an hour or so at a time. Which I know will eventually get it done but it seems like it's taking forever lol. Oh well! Little by little. Slow and steady wins the race.
Today I'm making a carrot cake for my dad's office. It's currently in the oven for another 6 minutes before I check it. Smells good!!! And then later on my friend is coming over, we're going to hang out and then go to Zumba. I'm not teaching, for once.
OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!! I am so glad to be done with the nannying gig! Normally I'd be nannying Tues/Thurs. But today is Tuesday and I'll be at ZUMBA tonight!!! I am very excited about that, in case you couldn't tell haha.
have a fantastic Tuesday!!! xoxox :)
-It has central vacuuming
-It has SIDE BY SIDE washer & dryer, as opposed to stacked
-It has a double oven (omg)
-It has a garage that is actually attached to the house
-It has a jacuzzi in the master bath
-It has a 3rd story room that is huge and we can turn it into anything we want
-It has 2 bedrooms PLUS the master
-It has a backyard (not huge, but better than nothing!)
And so on! Isn't that cool?? I'm beyond excited about the garage and stuff. Lol! Will be nice for when there's another person in the family someday too. :)
But... have I ever mentioned how much I HATE PACKING????? It sucks! There's just so much crap. I have absolutely no idea where to begin! We need to donate some stuff, sell some stuff, throw away some stuff.... but the trouble is that we're both always so busy that it's hard for us to spend more than an hour or so at a time. Which I know will eventually get it done but it seems like it's taking forever lol. Oh well! Little by little. Slow and steady wins the race.
Today I'm making a carrot cake for my dad's office. It's currently in the oven for another 6 minutes before I check it. Smells good!!! And then later on my friend is coming over, we're going to hang out and then go to Zumba. I'm not teaching, for once.
OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!! I am so glad to be done with the nannying gig! Normally I'd be nannying Tues/Thurs. But today is Tuesday and I'll be at ZUMBA tonight!!! I am very excited about that, in case you couldn't tell haha.
have a fantastic Tuesday!!! xoxox :)
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The Little Crack
*trigger warning*
LOL so I realize this is a weird title! "The Little Crack." The word "crack" is used for so many purposes! But in this instance, I am talking about a crack in the wall that is ED that I was able to see through a second ago.
The last few days have been AWFUL with body image. SO AWFUL!!! SO SO SO AWFUL!!! I cannot even describe it to you. There just aren't words in the English language that can describe how that feels. And I've just felt so FAT. Some people will tell you (or try to tell you) that "Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling." But................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... they're wrong. It is.
Just to go on that tangent for a small second here: When I (and very possibly many people with eating disorders, not just me) say "I feel fat," I am almost never JUST talking about my weight, although I am talking about that, too. But more often I am talking about other adjectives that just kind of blur together under the blanket term of "fat."
It's amazing to me how apparent it becomes when I read back my old journals from middle school and high school. I'll be talking about whatever, and then mention something troublesome like fighting with a friend or getting in trouble with my parents. Almost always, the very next sentence will be something like "oh my gosh, I'm SO fat... I need to lose weight so bad!" It's so crazy! I did think I was "big" (even though I know now that I wasn't really) but I wasn't just referring to my weight. It's similar now.
Anyway, so I've felt very fat the last few days. Weeks actually. I just feel like I'm getting bigger and bigger. And it's scaring the SHIT out of me! But just now I was brushing my hair after taking a bath (I worked out so hard yesterday with my trainer/boss that I literally cannot walk, squat, sit, bend, etc! Hot bath was needed) and I saw through a little crack in that wall! I reached across my body while brushing to grab my phone... and I saw my ribs on my back a little! I almost dropped the brush AND my phone!
The reason this was shocking is because it seems to me that I haven't really been able to see them as easily these past few months. I could see them, but only if I stood in a way that caused me to slightly resemble a body contortionist. It was so odd!!! In the midst of feeling like a hippo, there they were. As if to be like "Hi! We're here!"
Now I'm so so so confused! I have absolutely NO idea in the world what I actually look like. What a pain! It's so annoying not being able to trust my eyes!
I've also been reluctant to put up pictures quite as often, so I'm going to make myself do it here.
LOL so I realize this is a weird title! "The Little Crack." The word "crack" is used for so many purposes! But in this instance, I am talking about a crack in the wall that is ED that I was able to see through a second ago.
The last few days have been AWFUL with body image. SO AWFUL!!! SO SO SO AWFUL!!! I cannot even describe it to you. There just aren't words in the English language that can describe how that feels. And I've just felt so FAT. Some people will tell you (or try to tell you) that "Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling." But................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... they're wrong. It is.
Just to go on that tangent for a small second here: When I (and very possibly many people with eating disorders, not just me) say "I feel fat," I am almost never JUST talking about my weight, although I am talking about that, too. But more often I am talking about other adjectives that just kind of blur together under the blanket term of "fat."
It's amazing to me how apparent it becomes when I read back my old journals from middle school and high school. I'll be talking about whatever, and then mention something troublesome like fighting with a friend or getting in trouble with my parents. Almost always, the very next sentence will be something like "oh my gosh, I'm SO fat... I need to lose weight so bad!" It's so crazy! I did think I was "big" (even though I know now that I wasn't really) but I wasn't just referring to my weight. It's similar now.
Anyway, so I've felt very fat the last few days. Weeks actually. I just feel like I'm getting bigger and bigger. And it's scaring the SHIT out of me! But just now I was brushing my hair after taking a bath (I worked out so hard yesterday with my trainer/boss that I literally cannot walk, squat, sit, bend, etc! Hot bath was needed) and I saw through a little crack in that wall! I reached across my body while brushing to grab my phone... and I saw my ribs on my back a little! I almost dropped the brush AND my phone!
The reason this was shocking is because it seems to me that I haven't really been able to see them as easily these past few months. I could see them, but only if I stood in a way that caused me to slightly resemble a body contortionist. It was so odd!!! In the midst of feeling like a hippo, there they were. As if to be like "Hi! We're here!"
Now I'm so so so confused! I have absolutely NO idea in the world what I actually look like. What a pain! It's so annoying not being able to trust my eyes!
I've also been reluctant to put up pictures quite as often, so I'm going to make myself do it here.
Jaxxie and me taking a selfie on his first birthday!
March 21, 2014
Abby & Jaxxie about to eat Jaxxie's first birthday cake
March 21, 2014
This is usually my worst worst worst angle. But I made
myself take a picture anyway.
March 22, 2014
Much better. Hide!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
A Little Bit of Medical Weirdness
Despite the foreboding nature of the title of this post, it really won't be that bad. I just have a few odd things going on with my body that I can't quite figure out. If this ends up sounding familiar to anyone, please tell me! Lol.
First of all, I feel as though I'm retaining water. Mostly in my hands, feet and face. I don't actually SEE it.. but my skin feels as though that's the case. My dad looked at me today and said that he does not see any water retention. He also looked at my ankles and said he saw no edema. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, so if I am retaining water it isn't excessive. Also, when I press down on my hands, ankles, and tops of my feet, there is no indentation. Nor does it turn white. I can also get my wedding ring on and off without any unusual trouble. Everything LOOKS normal, but I FEEL weird. I don't even know if that makes sense. It doesn't hurt.. just feels... weird. So I tried drinking some extra water today in the hope of peeing it out. We'll see if that works.
Second of all, I'm having weird pain in my abdomen. Kind of in where my ovaries are..? I think??? I'm not actually too sure where they are, come to think of it! But it doesn't hurt on both sides at once. It happens sometimes when I stand up or twist a little. Yesterday I was getting out of my mom's car and the right side one hurt so bad I yelled "OW!" And then it had a dull ache for the next 5 minutes. It was the kind of ache that you get when something hurt really badly and then it's fading but you still feel it. Then it happened today when I stood up from a chair, except it was the left side this time. I've also noticed it when I'm sitting very still. Just generally doesn't feel too good in that area.
A third thing is dizziness. I really noticed it today! I was sitting in a chair, talking to my dad, and I felt like I wasn't actually in my body anymore. It was such a weird experience. Maybe the extra water today will help with this too. Shall have to wait and see.
So I have no idea what this stuff is. Weird for sure! I see my Naturopath on Wednesday.. I'll let her know. Maybe she'll have an idea. I'm sure she'll send me for a blood draw. I haven't had one since some time in December or January, I forgot when! I wonder if maybe I'm deficient in something...? I'll keep you posted :)
Happy Saturday!!!!! XOXOXOX <3
First of all, I feel as though I'm retaining water. Mostly in my hands, feet and face. I don't actually SEE it.. but my skin feels as though that's the case. My dad looked at me today and said that he does not see any water retention. He also looked at my ankles and said he saw no edema. My clothes seem to be fitting the same, so if I am retaining water it isn't excessive. Also, when I press down on my hands, ankles, and tops of my feet, there is no indentation. Nor does it turn white. I can also get my wedding ring on and off without any unusual trouble. Everything LOOKS normal, but I FEEL weird. I don't even know if that makes sense. It doesn't hurt.. just feels... weird. So I tried drinking some extra water today in the hope of peeing it out. We'll see if that works.
Second of all, I'm having weird pain in my abdomen. Kind of in where my ovaries are..? I think??? I'm not actually too sure where they are, come to think of it! But it doesn't hurt on both sides at once. It happens sometimes when I stand up or twist a little. Yesterday I was getting out of my mom's car and the right side one hurt so bad I yelled "OW!" And then it had a dull ache for the next 5 minutes. It was the kind of ache that you get when something hurt really badly and then it's fading but you still feel it. Then it happened today when I stood up from a chair, except it was the left side this time. I've also noticed it when I'm sitting very still. Just generally doesn't feel too good in that area.
A third thing is dizziness. I really noticed it today! I was sitting in a chair, talking to my dad, and I felt like I wasn't actually in my body anymore. It was such a weird experience. Maybe the extra water today will help with this too. Shall have to wait and see.
So I have no idea what this stuff is. Weird for sure! I see my Naturopath on Wednesday.. I'll let her know. Maybe she'll have an idea. I'm sure she'll send me for a blood draw. I haven't had one since some time in December or January, I forgot when! I wonder if maybe I'm deficient in something...? I'll keep you posted :)
Happy Saturday!!!!! XOXOXOX <3
Friday, March 21, 2014
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAX!!!
Well here's a little bit of happiness for your Friday!
Hello everyone! Anyone out there? Lol.
I am so glad to finally be able to tell you that I am DONE with the nannying job! WHEW!!!!!!! There are many reasons why it just wasn't working out but.. those take too long to write haha. Suffice it to say that it was not worth the amount of money I was making. I'll have on last nannying gig in the end of April and trust me it will be the end-all for this! 5 straight days of nannying this kid around the clock. He'll be living with me. Oh my god.. I hope I don't rip all my hair out (or all his hair out! LOL!) But anyway!
Today is Jax's 1st birthday! I cannot believe my little guy is one year old today. Man he was the cutest little puppy! He weighed 4 pounds when he first arrived. I used to call him "burrito" because holding his little body felt like holding a Chipotle burrito. He was soooooo tiny!
Hello everyone! Anyone out there? Lol.
I am so glad to finally be able to tell you that I am DONE with the nannying job! WHEW!!!!!!! There are many reasons why it just wasn't working out but.. those take too long to write haha. Suffice it to say that it was not worth the amount of money I was making. I'll have on last nannying gig in the end of April and trust me it will be the end-all for this! 5 straight days of nannying this kid around the clock. He'll be living with me. Oh my god.. I hope I don't rip all my hair out (or all his hair out! LOL!) But anyway!
Today is Jax's 1st birthday! I cannot believe my little guy is one year old today. Man he was the cutest little puppy! He weighed 4 pounds when he first arrived. I used to call him "burrito" because holding his little body felt like holding a Chipotle burrito. He was soooooo tiny!
My burrito, 5 weeks old
Baby Jaxxie giving me kisses
in the car when I first
picked him up!
5.17.13
8 week old Jax asleep on the couch
Hello out there!
9 weeks old
What a handsome boy
Jax is not a fan of beer!
Big Boy!
September 2013
Jax - 10 months old
Jax likes to sunbathe
Hi Buddy!!!
March 2013
Happy birthday sweet little Frenchie!
Mama loves you!!!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Picture Dump 3.19.14
Picture Dump, March 19th, 2014
The pictures being dumped here are categorized for your convenience! Lol!
The Last of the Seattle Pictures
Me peering off the Space Needle
3.10.14
Ahh.. hotel beds!
This was taken the night I wrote the post
called "Struggling in Seattle."
Love him! <3
Me eating an apple and drinking
coffee in Pike's Place Market
The Frenchies
Jax!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 Abigail Shula <3
Jaxxie McGee
LOL the DogFather
My Mister Magoo
Love this boy
Happy 1st Birthday Jax!
(3.21.14)
The Randoms
(some of these aren't mine, they're from the internet.
Some are mine.)
This is how we get ready for
Zumba parties in my house!
3.15.14
Saw this in Reader's Digest and laughed.
WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS AND
WHY DOES IT EXIST???
omg omg omg OMG
Super sad song.. but I like it
anyway!
Found him on my doorstep!
3.14.14
hahaha
Kind of want to try this!
Okay to finish up, I want to talk about this. I think the sentiment is great, but I DO NOT believe in this. It is not possible to BE fingernails. But it is possible to BE fat. Fat is an adjective and a noun. Fingernails are only a noun. To be fair, I think any adjective that we "are" is not ALL that we are. And I think that not everyone who HAS fat IS fat necessarily. But everyone who IS fat HAS fat. Certainly I think there are thousands of adjectives more important than "fat." Weight really does have nothing to do with who a person is inside (except anatomically speaking.) DO NOT misunderstand me - I am all for the "love your body" idea. Just because I can't always participate in that movement does not mean I disagree with it. Make no mistake that I do not judge anyone except myself based on weight - not at all! I just don't think this particular picture is accurate.
Healthy vs. Safe
I want to talk about a dilemma that I struggle with on a daily basis.
Healthy Food vs. Safe Food
This is a very real problem for me! On the one hand, of course I want to put healthy food in my body. On the other hand, healthy food sometimes has more calories than safe food. But safe food has more processed crap in it, sometimes. But not always! Oh it's so confusing.
Fruits and vegetables are fine. Okay. No problem there. Just eat them as they are and you're good, as long as you wash them first! Healthy food for the win!
But yogurt? Oatmeal? Milk? Psshh! Safe food all the way. 80 cal, non-fat yogurt, or 140+ cal, moderate-fat yogurt? The first one, please! 120 cal packet of oatmeal, already flavored, or approx 200 calories for "real" oatmeal with brown sugar so it doesn't taste like cardboard? Hmm.. let me think about that.. okay, done! The first one please! Non-fat milk with fewer vitamins or milk with fat and more vitamins? Not a hard question either.
And what about when you're hungry, but just can't stomach the idea of eating MORE celery with calorie-free dressing?? (Yes calorie free dressing exists.) That's where Diet Coke comes in handy! But Diet Coke is full of artificial sugar and crap like that. Which I know. And I know it's bad for you. But.. if being hungry and potentially eating something terrible is the other option, I will ALWAYS pick Diet Coke!
So you see the dilemma?? I want to eat healthy "real" food, but.... sometimes I just can't because it's actually not an option.
Yesterday I was reading a mini magazine about clean eating, and it was recommending all these "clean packaged foods" and I started getting a mini panic attack because beneath each one it listed the sugar, fiber, etc, but not the calorie and fat content. Freaked me out!!! The idea of eating something without first checking the calorie content is mind-boggling! Honestly I cannot even fathom it. What does that even mean?
How is it like to eat without worrying about that? I can't even remember. I know I must have done it earlier in my life, but it's now been so incredibly long that it seems like it never even happened! It's as if there is no other way of life. Which is silly, because I know there is. Just maybe not for me.
Healthy Food vs. Safe Food
This is a very real problem for me! On the one hand, of course I want to put healthy food in my body. On the other hand, healthy food sometimes has more calories than safe food. But safe food has more processed crap in it, sometimes. But not always! Oh it's so confusing.
Fruits and vegetables are fine. Okay. No problem there. Just eat them as they are and you're good, as long as you wash them first! Healthy food for the win!
But yogurt? Oatmeal? Milk? Psshh! Safe food all the way. 80 cal, non-fat yogurt, or 140+ cal, moderate-fat yogurt? The first one, please! 120 cal packet of oatmeal, already flavored, or approx 200 calories for "real" oatmeal with brown sugar so it doesn't taste like cardboard? Hmm.. let me think about that.. okay, done! The first one please! Non-fat milk with fewer vitamins or milk with fat and more vitamins? Not a hard question either.
And what about when you're hungry, but just can't stomach the idea of eating MORE celery with calorie-free dressing?? (Yes calorie free dressing exists.) That's where Diet Coke comes in handy! But Diet Coke is full of artificial sugar and crap like that. Which I know. And I know it's bad for you. But.. if being hungry and potentially eating something terrible is the other option, I will ALWAYS pick Diet Coke!
So you see the dilemma?? I want to eat healthy "real" food, but.... sometimes I just can't because it's actually not an option.
Yesterday I was reading a mini magazine about clean eating, and it was recommending all these "clean packaged foods" and I started getting a mini panic attack because beneath each one it listed the sugar, fiber, etc, but not the calorie and fat content. Freaked me out!!! The idea of eating something without first checking the calorie content is mind-boggling! Honestly I cannot even fathom it. What does that even mean?
How is it like to eat without worrying about that? I can't even remember. I know I must have done it earlier in my life, but it's now been so incredibly long that it seems like it never even happened! It's as if there is no other way of life. Which is silly, because I know there is. Just maybe not for me.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sorry So Many Posts!
Sorry I've posted so many times in the last 2 days. I just feel really... lost... and writing on this blog seems to help. Even if nobody really cares what I have to say, it helps me (and isn't that the point of this blog anyway??)
It's Monday night, 11:16pm. This week will be pretty busy, thank goodness.
Tomorrow morning I may or may not drag my sorry ass out of bed and go to a Zumba class at 9:30am. We'll see. I fully intend to drug myself pretty heavily tonight with my sleeping meds so how things will go in the morning is anyone's guess! I'll go to the gym sometime in the late morning probably, whether or not I go to the Zumba class.
Tonight I went to Safeway with Corky. I was unabashedly calorie checking. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't have cared less what he thought about that. I decided I'm sick of ground turkey. So I got some cans of tuna. 60 calories per serving (2 servings per can). Not bad! Got some mustard to mask the fishy taste. I hate fish.
Tomorrow is my second-to-last day of nannying. I think my boss is trying to get all the mileage out of me she can because she asked me to start work 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier than usual, to clean the bird cage, and buy 2 extension cords for the kid so he can do something with his computer.. I don't know what. And I'll probably end up staying until 9 or 10 at night like usual.
Wednesday will be a 3 or 4 Zumba day. I usually crash happily at the end of Wednesday night. 9:30am (my class), 12:00pm (not mine), 4:30pm (not mine) and 6:oopm (Alena's.) Then dinner with my dad and Corky (salad of course). Busy busy.
Thursday I am subbing a Zumba class at the ungodly hour of 8:00am. Then my parents have convinced me to go to a therapist to talk about our "family issues" (see previous post for just a tiny taste of what that statement means.) Thursday will also be my final day of nannying. It's ALSO the night of the science fair at the kid's school. So off to that we will go. Then that will be over.
Friday is a double Zumba day. I teach at 10:00am and at 6:00pm. I usually get in an extra workout at the gym that day too, even if I only do the elliptical for 40 minutes. I'll do weights as well. Friday is also my puppy's first birthday!! I cannot believe Jax will be one year old. So crazy.
Saturday will come, I'll go to 9:45am Zumba with Alena probably. Usually starts my weekend off nicely. Then maybe coffee with my dad (tea for me) and then a birthday party for Corky's friend's daughters. That reminds me, I need to get them a gift or two! What do girls around age 3 like anyway? I can't remember if they're 2 and 3 or 3 and 4! Yikes.
This post has been totally unnecessary. But just the action of typing words and thinking about how the week is going to go has helped me out a little. I am going to go to bed now.. hopefully I'll sleep solidly. I've been having trouble with temperature regulation in the middle of the night. I wake up burning hot and then freezing cold. So irritating!
It's Monday night, 11:16pm. This week will be pretty busy, thank goodness.
Tomorrow morning I may or may not drag my sorry ass out of bed and go to a Zumba class at 9:30am. We'll see. I fully intend to drug myself pretty heavily tonight with my sleeping meds so how things will go in the morning is anyone's guess! I'll go to the gym sometime in the late morning probably, whether or not I go to the Zumba class.
Tonight I went to Safeway with Corky. I was unabashedly calorie checking. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't have cared less what he thought about that. I decided I'm sick of ground turkey. So I got some cans of tuna. 60 calories per serving (2 servings per can). Not bad! Got some mustard to mask the fishy taste. I hate fish.
Tomorrow is my second-to-last day of nannying. I think my boss is trying to get all the mileage out of me she can because she asked me to start work 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier than usual, to clean the bird cage, and buy 2 extension cords for the kid so he can do something with his computer.. I don't know what. And I'll probably end up staying until 9 or 10 at night like usual.
Wednesday will be a 3 or 4 Zumba day. I usually crash happily at the end of Wednesday night. 9:30am (my class), 12:00pm (not mine), 4:30pm (not mine) and 6:oopm (Alena's.) Then dinner with my dad and Corky (salad of course). Busy busy.
Thursday I am subbing a Zumba class at the ungodly hour of 8:00am. Then my parents have convinced me to go to a therapist to talk about our "family issues" (see previous post for just a tiny taste of what that statement means.) Thursday will also be my final day of nannying. It's ALSO the night of the science fair at the kid's school. So off to that we will go. Then that will be over.
Friday is a double Zumba day. I teach at 10:00am and at 6:00pm. I usually get in an extra workout at the gym that day too, even if I only do the elliptical for 40 minutes. I'll do weights as well. Friday is also my puppy's first birthday!! I cannot believe Jax will be one year old. So crazy.
Saturday will come, I'll go to 9:45am Zumba with Alena probably. Usually starts my weekend off nicely. Then maybe coffee with my dad (tea for me) and then a birthday party for Corky's friend's daughters. That reminds me, I need to get them a gift or two! What do girls around age 3 like anyway? I can't remember if they're 2 and 3 or 3 and 4! Yikes.
This post has been totally unnecessary. But just the action of typing words and thinking about how the week is going to go has helped me out a little. I am going to go to bed now.. hopefully I'll sleep solidly. I've been having trouble with temperature regulation in the middle of the night. I wake up burning hot and then freezing cold. So irritating!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
TMI Tag
Stole this from my awesome blogging friend CORI BAKER! ;) xo
- What are you wearing? Black sweats and a gray South Dakota sweatshirt
- Ever been in love? I am now!
- Ever had a terrible break up? Yes. It was terrible. 2007.
- How tall are you? 5 feet 4 inches
- How much do you weigh? I don't even know... but if I did I wouldn't tell you!
- Any tattoos? Yes, crows on my back and left shoulder blade, Leo sign on my hip, Hebrew prayer/song on my right shoulder blade, star of David on my lower back and my last name in Hebrew on the inside of my left foot.
- Any piercings? Yes. Ears and bellybutton
- OTP? Is this like soulmate? I think not ONE. Potentially several and whichever one you are able to cross paths with...?
- Favorite show? Ghost shows... any of them. And Homicide Hunter.
- Favorite bands? Various Zumba artists... Watatah, Daddy Yankee, Pitbull (yeah sorry), Mara, Dahrio Wonder, and then for not Zumba... Lady Gaga, My Chemical Romance, Hayley Williams... etc.
- Something you miss? Being carefree.
- Favorite song? Right now? Stay The Night.
- How old are you? 26
- Zodiac sign? Leo! July 24.
- Quality you look for in a partner? Tolerant. Lol.
- Favorite quote? "Chuck it in the fuck it bucket."
- Favorite actor? Johnny Depp.
- Favorite color? Red or black.
- Loud music or soft? The louder the better!!
- Where do you go when you're sad? Nowhere specific. When I'm sad I just go about the stuff I need to do. I'm just sad when I do it. But I'm pretty good at faking it. Or else the gym!!!
- How long does it take you to shower? Between 8 and 12 minutes usually.
- How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? About 10 minutes.
- Ever been in a physical fight? No... but that's only because I didn't fight back.
- Turn on? Honesty. Openness.
- Turn off? No manners.
- Reason I started a blog? To try and be real. And maybe help people feel less alone.
- Fears? Weight gain. Balloons. Death. Infinity.
- Last thing that made you cry? My family.
- Last time you said you loved someone? On the phone to my dad about an hour ago.
- Meaning behind your blog URL? I feel haunted. I believe in ghosts. And I love crows!!!
- Last book you read? Life Expectancy by Dean Koontz
- The book you're currently reading? Not reading a book at the moment.
- Last show you watched? Fringe.
- Last person you talked to? Corky. I said, "yeah."
- The relationship between you and the person you last texted with? My dad.
- Favorite food? Frozen Yogurt.
- Place you want to visit? Morocco.
- Last place you were? The grocery store to get stuff to make hamentaschen.
- Do you have a crush? No...
- Last time you kissed someone? My husband after Zumba this morning. I hate kissing.
- Last time you were insulted? The other day.
- Favorite flavor of sweet? I think vanilla.
- What instruments do you play? Piano
- Favorite piece of jewelry? I don't wear it much, but my bracelet from Curacao.
- Last sport you played? Lol does Zumba count??
- Last song you sang? Can't remember!
- Favorite pick up line? Don't have one.
- Have you ever used it/had it used on you? N/A
- Last time you hung out with someone? Today, my friend was out.
- Who should answer these questions next? Whoever feels like it!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
This
Second post today. Fun fun! Been a while since I did a double.
Fuck people.
Fuck people when they say "oh I can't make it to your Zumba thing.. I have this other thing.." but then go to another Zumba thing at the same fucking time.
Fuck people for hating on you but refusing to tell you why.
Fuck people for taking out their shit on you.
Fuck people for being hypocrites.
Fuck people for using you.
Fuck people for taking advantage of you.
Fuck people for not being there for you when you're there for them. All the time. Every day.
Fuck people for making jokes when you just want them to be serious.
Fuck people for pushing their beliefs on other people.
Fuck people for not helping you do something, then yelling at you for not getting it done.
Fuck people for hurting you, knowing they're hurting you, and then apologizing for it later. No, if you were fucking sorry you wouldn't have fucking done that in the first place.
Fuck people for acting like their opinion is fact and like yours is wrong just because it differs.
Fuck people for telling you you can't do something, when what they really mean is "I don't WANT you to be able to do something."
Fuck people for driving like idiots.
Fuck people for being genuinely shitty people just because they feel like it.
Fuck people for not doing the right thing when they should and could, but are just too fucking lazy.
Fuck people for pushing their agendas on you.
Fuck people for getting mad at you for speaking up for yourself.
FUCK PEOPLE FOR TRIVIALIZING THE STUFF YOU DO THAT IS SO HARD FOR YOU, AND THEY ACT LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE A FUCKING MINUTE TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!!!
In case you can't tell, I'm in a spectacularly shitty mood tonight!!! So you know what? Tomorrow is a NO FOOD day until dinner. If I even eat then! Why? Because I fucking want to. Because I fucking CAN.
Fuck people.
Fuck people when they say "oh I can't make it to your Zumba thing.. I have this other thing.." but then go to another Zumba thing at the same fucking time.
Fuck people for hating on you but refusing to tell you why.
Fuck people for taking out their shit on you.
Fuck people for being hypocrites.
Fuck people for using you.
Fuck people for taking advantage of you.
Fuck people for not being there for you when you're there for them. All the time. Every day.
Fuck people for making jokes when you just want them to be serious.
Fuck people for pushing their beliefs on other people.
Fuck people for not helping you do something, then yelling at you for not getting it done.
Fuck people for hurting you, knowing they're hurting you, and then apologizing for it later. No, if you were fucking sorry you wouldn't have fucking done that in the first place.
Fuck people for acting like their opinion is fact and like yours is wrong just because it differs.
Fuck people for telling you you can't do something, when what they really mean is "I don't WANT you to be able to do something."
Fuck people for driving like idiots.
Fuck people for being genuinely shitty people just because they feel like it.
Fuck people for not doing the right thing when they should and could, but are just too fucking lazy.
Fuck people for pushing their agendas on you.
Fuck people for getting mad at you for speaking up for yourself.
FUCK PEOPLE FOR TRIVIALIZING THE STUFF YOU DO THAT IS SO HARD FOR YOU, AND THEY ACT LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE A FUCKING MINUTE TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF!!!!!!
In case you can't tell, I'm in a spectacularly shitty mood tonight!!! So you know what? Tomorrow is a NO FOOD day until dinner. If I even eat then! Why? Because I fucking want to. Because I fucking CAN.
Because I Said So
**Trigger warning.**
Yesterday morning, I broke the routine that I JUST wrote about the day before. I was hungry, like... REALLY hungry. So I decided I would eat oatmeal before I went and taught Zumba. This isn't an unusual food for me to eat - it's just unusual for me to eat it at that time of day. It was around 8:05am.
Now... oatmeal is not a scary food for me. I eat it almost every day (diet plan be damned! Lol.) But I feel as though I'm always being such a pig. It's disgusting!!!! I look humongous and I need to just... not. So yesterday I decided I'd had enough. I decided I wasn't going to eat for the rest of the day until dinnertime.
And I didn't!!!!
Sure, this is ED speaking here. But... yeaaaahhhh buddy! Finally. I was so relieved to find that I still had willpower. I can't tell you how relieved I was. From 8:00am until 9:15pm.. all I had was coffee, diet coke and gummie vitamins (2 of them.) It wasn't even hard! Yes I did chew and spit for over an hour. Expensive habit but.. I don't care. I was also practically vibrating in my seat by the time dinner came around, but I don't care about that either. I felt powerful. I felt strong. I felt in control (or controlled??)
My head is such a confusing space right now.
Grow up vs. Stay young
Eat vs. Restrict
Periods vs. Amenorrhea
Motherhood vs. Anorexia
Essentially its this: Right vs. Wrong.
The trouble is they sometimes blur and I don't know which is which. It also depends on whether it's ME or ED talking. Is there even a distinction?? Sometimes I don't even know.
Yesterday morning, I broke the routine that I JUST wrote about the day before. I was hungry, like... REALLY hungry. So I decided I would eat oatmeal before I went and taught Zumba. This isn't an unusual food for me to eat - it's just unusual for me to eat it at that time of day. It was around 8:05am.
Now... oatmeal is not a scary food for me. I eat it almost every day (diet plan be damned! Lol.) But I feel as though I'm always being such a pig. It's disgusting!!!! I look humongous and I need to just... not. So yesterday I decided I'd had enough. I decided I wasn't going to eat for the rest of the day until dinnertime.
And I didn't!!!!
Sure, this is ED speaking here. But... yeaaaahhhh buddy! Finally. I was so relieved to find that I still had willpower. I can't tell you how relieved I was. From 8:00am until 9:15pm.. all I had was coffee, diet coke and gummie vitamins (2 of them.) It wasn't even hard! Yes I did chew and spit for over an hour. Expensive habit but.. I don't care. I was also practically vibrating in my seat by the time dinner came around, but I don't care about that either. I felt powerful. I felt strong. I felt in control (or controlled??)
My head is such a confusing space right now.
Grow up vs. Stay young
Eat vs. Restrict
Periods vs. Amenorrhea
Motherhood vs. Anorexia
Essentially its this: Right vs. Wrong.
The trouble is they sometimes blur and I don't know which is which. It also depends on whether it's ME or ED talking. Is there even a distinction?? Sometimes I don't even know.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Every Morning
Every morning, roughly the same thing happens. A routine, if you will. Does anyone else out there find routines as comforting as I do?
My alarm on my phone is set for 8:35 most every morning. (On a sidenote, I do not own an alarm clock. I do not own a clock at all, except the ones on my microwave, oven and computers! I do not have a home phone. If I lost my iPhone, I would be totally fucked!) The reason it's set for 8:35 is because on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I have to leave my house by 9:00 to get to Zumba at the Ballroom Dance Co., even though I don't teach Thursdays (that's my friend's class, which I attend.) Despite the fact my alarm is set, I usually wake up about 20-30 minutes before it.
At around 7:50 or 8:00, long before my alarm goes off, and while Corky is still sleeping, I get out of bed and go downstairs. The French Bulldogs come blinking out of their crate, stretching and yawning in their pen. Their crate's door is open, so they can go in their "courtyard" so to speak. They crate themselves, we don't make them sleep in there. It's funny because it's a small crate so when they sleep in there together, they're all pig-piled on top of each other.
I take the bulldogs out of the pen, and say the magic words: "Are you hungry?" Jax and Abby immediately zoom to the kitchen and wait by the refrigerator. They eat Sojos, a "raw", reconstituted food that sits in a huge mixing bowl in the fridge. It looks like chunky greenish-brown glop but they love it and it's so good for them. I scoop Sojos into their bowls, squirt Skin & Coat Supplement Oil on top (which is orange, so now their food really looks weird!) and put the bowls down on the floor for them. Jax inhales his in about 30 seconds flat, while Abby takes much longer. Jax is so funny because after he eats his food, he stands with his face about an inch from Abby's forehead, torturing himself, watching her eat her food. He's lucky she doesn't bite him! As soon as she's done, he licks her bowl too, just in case there's any she's missed (there never is.)
While the dogs are eating, I make my coffee. I make it just the same every morning. While the Keurig is heating up, I get a big mug out of the cupboard and put 2 Stevia packets and 1/4 cup of almond milk or almond/coconut milk in it. (7 calories for almond milk, 9 for almond/coconut, which tastes better!) I brew the Keurig coffee directly into the Stevia and milk. Stir.
By this time, the dogs have finished eating. I leave my coffee to steam on the counter and take the dogs out to potty. They always pee, sometimes poop. We use this little green bags to pick up their crap. It's pretty gross but at least I don't have to worry about them pooping in the house! We come back in and the dogs run up the stairs to snuggle in bed with Corky. I sit at the kitchen table with my coffee and look at facebook, my email, msn and yahoo news, and check my favorite blogs, in that order. At 8:40, I hear Corky's alarm go off upstairs. He usually snoozes it once. About 10 minutes later he'll come clomping down the stairs in his sweatpants, the dogs running after him. He makes it to the couch and snuggles under a blanket until his eyes are all the way open. I always ask him if he wants coffee. 90% of the time he says no. I always ask him if he wants a protein shake. About 50% of the time he agrees to that one. Usually he wants banana cream, sometimes a fruit protein smoothie. Almost never does he ask for chocolate mint (my favorite!)
At 8:55 I go upstairs and change for Zumba. If I got a late start and haven't finished my coffee, I pour it in a to-go mug and take it with me. If I'm feeling especially sluggish (or if it's a triple-zumba day), I'll grab a Monster Zero to supplement the coffee! Before I run out the door I run through my check list. It goes something like this, "Keys, wallet, phone, iPod, shoes, bracelets, CHECK! Let's go!" and out the door I go by 9:05 at the latest.
This is how most mornings go in my house. Time adjusts for different Zumba class times (like Saturday when Zumba is at either 9:00 or 9:45 depending on whose class I attend, or Friday and Sunday when I teach at 10:00.)
I don't eat breakfast... almost never. Ain't nobody got time for that!
My alarm on my phone is set for 8:35 most every morning. (On a sidenote, I do not own an alarm clock. I do not own a clock at all, except the ones on my microwave, oven and computers! I do not have a home phone. If I lost my iPhone, I would be totally fucked!) The reason it's set for 8:35 is because on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday I have to leave my house by 9:00 to get to Zumba at the Ballroom Dance Co., even though I don't teach Thursdays (that's my friend's class, which I attend.) Despite the fact my alarm is set, I usually wake up about 20-30 minutes before it.
At around 7:50 or 8:00, long before my alarm goes off, and while Corky is still sleeping, I get out of bed and go downstairs. The French Bulldogs come blinking out of their crate, stretching and yawning in their pen. Their crate's door is open, so they can go in their "courtyard" so to speak. They crate themselves, we don't make them sleep in there. It's funny because it's a small crate so when they sleep in there together, they're all pig-piled on top of each other.
I take the bulldogs out of the pen, and say the magic words: "Are you hungry?" Jax and Abby immediately zoom to the kitchen and wait by the refrigerator. They eat Sojos, a "raw", reconstituted food that sits in a huge mixing bowl in the fridge. It looks like chunky greenish-brown glop but they love it and it's so good for them. I scoop Sojos into their bowls, squirt Skin & Coat Supplement Oil on top (which is orange, so now their food really looks weird!) and put the bowls down on the floor for them. Jax inhales his in about 30 seconds flat, while Abby takes much longer. Jax is so funny because after he eats his food, he stands with his face about an inch from Abby's forehead, torturing himself, watching her eat her food. He's lucky she doesn't bite him! As soon as she's done, he licks her bowl too, just in case there's any she's missed (there never is.)
While the dogs are eating, I make my coffee. I make it just the same every morning. While the Keurig is heating up, I get a big mug out of the cupboard and put 2 Stevia packets and 1/4 cup of almond milk or almond/coconut milk in it. (7 calories for almond milk, 9 for almond/coconut, which tastes better!) I brew the Keurig coffee directly into the Stevia and milk. Stir.
By this time, the dogs have finished eating. I leave my coffee to steam on the counter and take the dogs out to potty. They always pee, sometimes poop. We use this little green bags to pick up their crap. It's pretty gross but at least I don't have to worry about them pooping in the house! We come back in and the dogs run up the stairs to snuggle in bed with Corky. I sit at the kitchen table with my coffee and look at facebook, my email, msn and yahoo news, and check my favorite blogs, in that order. At 8:40, I hear Corky's alarm go off upstairs. He usually snoozes it once. About 10 minutes later he'll come clomping down the stairs in his sweatpants, the dogs running after him. He makes it to the couch and snuggles under a blanket until his eyes are all the way open. I always ask him if he wants coffee. 90% of the time he says no. I always ask him if he wants a protein shake. About 50% of the time he agrees to that one. Usually he wants banana cream, sometimes a fruit protein smoothie. Almost never does he ask for chocolate mint (my favorite!)
At 8:55 I go upstairs and change for Zumba. If I got a late start and haven't finished my coffee, I pour it in a to-go mug and take it with me. If I'm feeling especially sluggish (or if it's a triple-zumba day), I'll grab a Monster Zero to supplement the coffee! Before I run out the door I run through my check list. It goes something like this, "Keys, wallet, phone, iPod, shoes, bracelets, CHECK! Let's go!" and out the door I go by 9:05 at the latest.
This is how most mornings go in my house. Time adjusts for different Zumba class times (like Saturday when Zumba is at either 9:00 or 9:45 depending on whose class I attend, or Friday and Sunday when I teach at 10:00.)
I don't eat breakfast... almost never. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I Dream Of...
I dream of....
..... St. Maarten.
St. Maarten is actually "Sint Maarten" which is the southern half of the island of St. Martin. It's part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
It also has this beach, Maho Beach. The cool thing about this beach is that it's literally FEET AWAY from the end of Runway 10 at Princess Juliana International Airport. Airplanes on short final come soaring in right over Maho Beach, so low you can see the bolts and screws in the underbelly. Airplanes flying in to land on Runway 10 must touch tarmac as close to the beginning as possible, because the runway is only 2,300 metres (7,545 feet) long. Bigger planes or planes with mechanical malfunctions obviously need a lot of room to stop. This puts huge Boeing 747s on short final, just feet above the heads of the people on Maho Beach.
Watch This Video to see airplanes landing and taking off from Runway 10 at Princess Juliana.
I would be IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!! I would stay at that beach literally all day and watch the airplanes. The sound of their engines gives me goosebumps. I know, I know, they pollute. But... whatever. Don't "harsh my mellow" (as a book I read once said). As you all know, I love airplanes. The bigger, the better! (That's what she said!)
..... St. Maarten.
St. Maarten is actually "Sint Maarten" which is the southern half of the island of St. Martin. It's part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
It also has this beach, Maho Beach. The cool thing about this beach is that it's literally FEET AWAY from the end of Runway 10 at Princess Juliana International Airport. Airplanes on short final come soaring in right over Maho Beach, so low you can see the bolts and screws in the underbelly. Airplanes flying in to land on Runway 10 must touch tarmac as close to the beginning as possible, because the runway is only 2,300 metres (7,545 feet) long. Bigger planes or planes with mechanical malfunctions obviously need a lot of room to stop. This puts huge Boeing 747s on short final, just feet above the heads of the people on Maho Beach.
Watch This Video to see airplanes landing and taking off from Runway 10 at Princess Juliana.
I would be IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!! I would stay at that beach literally all day and watch the airplanes. The sound of their engines gives me goosebumps. I know, I know, they pollute. But... whatever. Don't "harsh my mellow" (as a book I read once said). As you all know, I love airplanes. The bigger, the better! (That's what she said!)
Monday, March 10, 2014
2 Year Zumba-versary
Thursday, March 8th, 2012.
I woke up early. This was a big day. I was going to Diva Den Studio to be licensed for Zumba Fitness by the illustrious Gina Grant. The training started at 9:00am, but I knew parking could be hard to find, so I arrived about 8:30am. This was back when I still drove my little blue Hyundai Elantra with the Crater Lake plate to match. I can remember changing my shoes in the car and then walking up the hill to Diva Den, slowly, nervously. I didn't know what that day would hold. Or what the future would hold for me, regarding Zumba.
By 5:30pm I was licensed. I know this sounds cliche but.. that changed everything.
Friday, March 8th, 2013.
I taught an 11:00am Zumba class that day and then went to NW 23rd Ave with my mom and Alena to get fitted for my wedding dress (look in March 2012 archives for the blog post about that day.) I remember changing clothes in the Boom Fitness locker room with Alena, before getting into my mom's car to head to the dress shop. So terrified was I that the dressmaker guy would blurt out my measurements! Thankfully, he did not. The fitting went fine, and 7 months and 12 days later, I was married to Corky in the dress that I was fitted for on my first Zumba-versary.
Of course there was Zumba at the wedding.
Saturday, March 8th, 2014.
My fierce, fabulous bestie Sean spent the night. We woke up and went to Alena's Zumba class. Sean rocked a Lady Gaga song with Alena at the front. LA Fitness ladies loved him. No surprise there, everyone loves him!! That night was a Zumba party at another gym I work at. I had hoped it would be special, since my boss did know it was my Zumba-versary. True to form, she didn't mention it. How about that. My mom came, though, because I asked her to. Also, I told her I would take her out to breakfast that morning if she came! I do believe she'd have come anyway, breakfast or not, but it was still nice to take her out. The funny thing was that one of Alena's friends who I had seen at Zumba that morning was at Biscuits Cafe and took a pic of me and my mom standing there, but didn't come say hi to us. An hour later, Alena sent me the picture taken of us unawares. It was a hideous picture.
Highlights of the last Zumba Year:
(include but are not limited to)
-Making many new friends
-Taking over a few classes for a very well-liked instructor
-Going to the 2014 LA Zumba Conference
-Doing Zumba at my wedding
-Doing Zumba in Curacao with C
-Going to many Jam Sessions
-Subbing for a very well-known and well-liked instructor (my friend S)
-A completely hilarious choreography of mine catching on
Year Number 3... let's go! xoxo
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Struggling In Seattle
I wish that I could tell you, with all certainty, that the reason I'm "struggling in Seattle" is because I'm skinny, losing weight, not eating.. whatever. I mean, really, you guys have no idea how much I wish I could tell you that and mean it.
The truth is, however, that I'm struggling with feeling as though I am a giant, huge, disgusting piece of lard walking around with clothes on. I'm disgusting. I hate it.
Nostalgia is a bitch and a half. Back in the fall of 2012, I was so.... much "better" than I am now. (Yes I am fully aware that my eating disorder is writing this post and not me. But that's just the reality today. Sorry.) I was skinny. I was sick. I miss it. I miss it so much I could cry! The weird thing is that over this past week I'd get glimpses of myself and think I looked small, thin, and my face was a little gray looking and my eyes were a little sunken looking. But then I'd blink and I'd be the huge, jiggly, horrible person that I actually am. And it is so so so sad!!!!
Today we went to Gasworks Park and then to the Museum of Flight. It was fun. But in the back of my head all day was how tight my pants were feeling, and how I knew I had love handles. Isn't that just the saddest thing? I get 2 and a half days away with my husband and I'm only half here! Not even half.
Corky wanted me to skip the gym today, and I told him I would. But then we had a fight and I went anyway. It felt wonderful. The elliptical is so calming.
All I can hope and pray for is for things to get easier soon. For these fat days to pass. Oh my god, what is going to happen when (if?) I get pregnant??????? Can't even imagine. But when classes start up April 1st, maybe things will change for the better. Which better? No idea. But anything is better than this! I am convinced that if hell exists, it feels like this.
The truth is, however, that I'm struggling with feeling as though I am a giant, huge, disgusting piece of lard walking around with clothes on. I'm disgusting. I hate it.
Nostalgia is a bitch and a half. Back in the fall of 2012, I was so.... much "better" than I am now. (Yes I am fully aware that my eating disorder is writing this post and not me. But that's just the reality today. Sorry.) I was skinny. I was sick. I miss it. I miss it so much I could cry! The weird thing is that over this past week I'd get glimpses of myself and think I looked small, thin, and my face was a little gray looking and my eyes were a little sunken looking. But then I'd blink and I'd be the huge, jiggly, horrible person that I actually am. And it is so so so sad!!!!
Today we went to Gasworks Park and then to the Museum of Flight. It was fun. But in the back of my head all day was how tight my pants were feeling, and how I knew I had love handles. Isn't that just the saddest thing? I get 2 and a half days away with my husband and I'm only half here! Not even half.
Corky wanted me to skip the gym today, and I told him I would. But then we had a fight and I went anyway. It felt wonderful. The elliptical is so calming.
All I can hope and pray for is for things to get easier soon. For these fat days to pass. Oh my god, what is going to happen when (if?) I get pregnant??????? Can't even imagine. But when classes start up April 1st, maybe things will change for the better. Which better? No idea. But anything is better than this! I am convinced that if hell exists, it feels like this.
Southwest Airlines - Welcome Aboard
Amelia Earhart - July 24, 1897
Me - Jul 24, 1987
Too bad I hate to fly!
Boeing HEAVEN!!!!
Underneath a 747
N7470 - the first ever Boeing 747
Boeing Field
Seattle, WA
Gasworks Park
Seattle, WA
Gasworks Park
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