Well! It appears this fetus has it's mama's stubborn spirit. My mom used to say "feisty is too nice a word for you, Kate." LOL! Thanks!
No more bleeding since Wednesday, but I do have this crazy pain. It feels as though my body is trying to hang onto this little thing and simultaneously trying to expel it! It's a very weird feeling.
Someone who reads this blog messaged me on facebook and said I should write about what it literally FEELS like. Physically feels like. Because one day I'm going to forget the struggle my body went through with this, and I should write it down so I can remember, and honor my body for all that it's dealing with. And to prove to myself, the next time I have a SuperGirl complex, that there IS something that can floor me and shut up my eating disorder all at the same time. (Which are all totally valid points.)
I am exhausted. I literally can't keep my eyes open for more than about 45 minutes at a time. Falling asleep in the car (not when I'm driving), laying on the couch for hours at a time, falling asleep in the middle of the day. This is NOT me! I do NOT do this! But I honestly do not think I could teach a Zumba class right now if I tried.
I have pain. A dull, constant, crampy ache in my lower abdomen. An occasional sharp pain on either the right or the left side. Sometimes I wake up with the pain, like today. Sometimes it doesn't come on until about 12 or 1pm, like yesterday. By the end of the day I am in a terrible mood. Something about being in constant pain for days turns me into Scrooge.
I am nauseated. This was actually one of the things that clued me in to the idea that I might in fact be pregnant. The interesting thing is, I do not have morning sickness. I have inverse-morning sickness! I am fine until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon, and then I start feeling REALLY sick. I don't feel super great at any time of day, but the afternoon is definitely worse, and by the time night comes, I'm miserable. Very interesting!
I am pale. I went by a mirror the other day and jumped! I look AWFUL! My face is a grayish color, almost yellow. I have dark circles around my eyes.
I am dizzy. Walking is not my favorite thing right now. It's tough to keep steady while walking. It will be interesting to see how I manage if/when I'm allowed to teach Zumba again!
So..... the hardest thing is not know what in the HELL is going on. What are they going to tell me at my ultrasound appointment tomorrow? Speaking of that, I totally blew up at Corky 2 nights ago. I was crying and yelling. I was mad at him for leaving me to do so much of this shit by myself the first few days. I drove myself to the ER, I did all the tests and exams at the ER by myself. When I came home and was ordered to rest, I did all the dishes and the laundry and continued packing to move by myself. Because he couldn't come home from work for even one hour to help me out. And he works about 30 seconds away by car, literally! I was mad that I was going to have to go to the ultrasound and then the OB-GYN appointment on Tuesday all by myself. I was just SO MAD. But since that night I have not had to touch a single dish, box or piece of laundry. So that's good.
Anyway, what are they going to tell me at the appointment tomorrow? I have no idea.
What do I HOPE they'll tell me? Well, in a perfect world, I hope they would tell me that the fetus is stronger now, hanging on fine, and that I can go back to teaching Zumba as long as I'm careful and don't do too much. The 2nd best thing they could tell me is that the fetus is hanging on a little more strongly than before, and I can't teach Zumba, but I can walk, do yoga or swim every day. Yes, I know that would be crazy to imagine for me, but I think I could do that. If they tell me I have to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy, I think I'll faint, cry my eyes out, and then finally agree. Yes, I would do that. But I would sure hate every f*cking minute of it! But I love this fetus. I want it. I would do that, if I had to.
What do I THINK they'll tell me? That it's dead. Or if it isn't dead now, that it will be soon. I'm just scared my body will be unable to expel it and I'll have to get it... cleaned out. Oh please oh please OH PLEASE don't let that happen!!!
And in case you wondering (which you very well may be), ED is not silent through all of this. I do have freak outs, many times per day, about how fat I must have gotten in the last week or so. But generally, right now, I feel SO CRAPPY that ED's voice is kind of faint. I want to be thin, yeah, but I want to be a mom more.
Please cross your fingers for my fetus and me tomorrow. I will let you guys know what happens! XOXOXO
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