Haunted: Struggling In Seattle

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Struggling In Seattle

I wish that I could tell you, with all certainty, that the reason I'm "struggling in Seattle" is because I'm skinny, losing weight, not eating.. whatever. I mean, really, you guys have no idea how much I wish I could tell you that and mean it.

The truth is, however, that I'm struggling with feeling as though I am a giant, huge, disgusting piece of lard walking around with clothes on. I'm disgusting. I hate it.

Nostalgia is a bitch and a half. Back in the fall of 2012, I was so.... much "better" than I am now. (Yes I am fully aware that my eating disorder is writing this post and not me. But that's just the reality today. Sorry.) I was skinny. I was sick. I miss it. I miss it so much I could cry! The weird thing is that over this past week I'd get glimpses of myself and think I looked small, thin, and my face was a little gray looking and my eyes were a little sunken looking. But then I'd blink and I'd be the huge, jiggly, horrible person that I actually am. And it is so so so sad!!!!

Today we went to Gasworks Park and then to the Museum of Flight. It was fun. But in the back of my head all day was how tight my pants were feeling, and how I knew I had love handles. Isn't that just the saddest thing? I get 2 and a half days away with my husband and I'm only half here! Not even half.

Corky wanted me to skip the gym today, and I told him I would. But then we had a fight and I went anyway. It felt wonderful. The elliptical is so calming.

All I can hope and pray for is for things to get easier soon. For these fat days to pass. Oh my god, what is going to happen when (if?) I get pregnant??????? Can't even imagine. But when classes start up April 1st, maybe things will change for the better. Which better? No idea. But anything is better than this! I am convinced that if hell exists, it feels like this.