Basic Arithmetic

Well you guys, it finally happened.  Today I finally ran out of gas.  Not literally,  not in my car.  But in my body!  I couldn't have gone to the gym today even if I tried (which I didn't!)  I've been doing 1-2 Zumba classes every day, plus the gym for at least a little while, for the last week or more.  Before that I was doing 1-2 Zumba classes per day, with the gym here and there.  Or just the gym, as was more often the case for Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Or just one Zumba class plus the gym.  Or some combination of those!

Two days ago, on Friday, I did my 2 Zumbas and I did make it to the gym, but I couldn't muster more than 40 mins on the elliptical.  Yesterday, I made it to the gym, but I couldn't get more than 20 minutes out.  I just don't have it.  Today (after staying out until the wee hours for a friend's birthday party) I taught my class at 10am and then went to my friend's Zumba class (the same one whose birthday party was last night!  We were all tired lol.)  I can barely keep my eyes open.  There is not enough energy left in my body to make it to the gym.  Not to mention Corky would kill me!

So why am I blogging all this?  I'm sure several of you are going to shake your heads.  Maybe tell me in the comments how what I'm doing is unhealthy.  Maybe you'll stop reading my blog because my dumbness is irritating you.  Those are all fine!  You are welcome to comment anything you like.  I almost never delete comments.  Like I've said before, if I'm entitled to freedom of speech, then so are you.  

But, like my YouTube channel, the point of this blog is to be real, raw, honest and open.  This is the truth currently.  Sure, it's over-exercise, I know that.  But it's my REALITY right now, you guys!  And those of you that are still here with me at this point in the entry must know that.  It's not that I like it.  But it's not that I don't like it either.  I will be honest with you and say that I'm not 100% pursuing recovery.  But I'm not 100% NOT pursuing it either!  I'm not really sure what I want about that.  A few of you have actually asked me about that as of late, so I thought I'd address that.  What I do know for sure is that I want to stay alive.

"So why are you killing yourself?" You might ask.  THAT is a very good question!  I guess that part of me doesn't know that I'm indeed doing that.  I'm really not sure!  That probably sounds insane to you guys.  1 + 1 = 2, or so I'm told.  Sure, I want to be a mom.  How does this fit in?  I really have no fucking clue.  That should tell me that it DOESN'T fit!  Which I know.  But I can't sort it out right now.  No, that isn't an excuse.  It's not like I don't plan to ever address it.  But what can I do right now?  I don't know.  That's something I need to kick around in my head for a while and decide on a course of action.  But at this very moment in time I do not have an answer.  It'll come.