LOL so I realize this is a weird title! "The Little Crack." The word "crack" is used for so many purposes! But in this instance, I am talking about a crack in the wall that is ED that I was able to see through a second ago.
The last few days have been AWFUL with body image. SO AWFUL!!! SO SO SO AWFUL!!! I cannot even describe it to you. There just aren't words in the English language that can describe how that feels. And I've just felt so FAT. Some people will tell you (or try to tell you) that "Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling." But................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... they're wrong. It is.
Just to go on that tangent for a small second here: When I (and very possibly many people with eating disorders, not just me) say "I feel fat," I am almost never JUST talking about my weight, although I am talking about that, too. But more often I am talking about other adjectives that just kind of blur together under the blanket term of "fat."
It's amazing to me how apparent it becomes when I read back my old journals from middle school and high school. I'll be talking about whatever, and then mention something troublesome like fighting with a friend or getting in trouble with my parents. Almost always, the very next sentence will be something like "oh my gosh, I'm SO fat... I need to lose weight so bad!" It's so crazy! I did think I was "big" (even though I know now that I wasn't really) but I wasn't just referring to my weight. It's similar now.
Anyway, so I've felt very fat the last few days. Weeks actually. I just feel like I'm getting bigger and bigger. And it's scaring the SHIT out of me! But just now I was brushing my hair after taking a bath (I worked out so hard yesterday with my trainer/boss that I literally cannot walk, squat, sit, bend, etc! Hot bath was needed) and I saw through a little crack in that wall! I reached across my body while brushing to grab my phone... and I saw my ribs on my back a little! I almost dropped the brush AND my phone!
The reason this was shocking is because it seems to me that I haven't really been able to see them as easily these past few months. I could see them, but only if I stood in a way that caused me to slightly resemble a body contortionist. It was so odd!!! In the midst of feeling like a hippo, there they were. As if to be like "Hi! We're here!"
Now I'm so so so confused! I have absolutely NO idea in the world what I actually look like. What a pain! It's so annoying not being able to trust my eyes!
I've also been reluctant to put up pictures quite as often, so I'm going to make myself do it here.
Jaxxie and me taking a selfie on his first birthday!
March 21, 2014
Abby & Jaxxie about to eat Jaxxie's first birthday cake
March 21, 2014
This is usually my worst worst worst angle. But I made
myself take a picture anyway.
March 22, 2014
Much better. Hide!
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