Because I Said So

**Trigger warning.**

Yesterday morning, I broke the routine that I JUST wrote about the day before.  I was hungry, like... REALLY hungry.  So I decided I would eat oatmeal before I went and taught Zumba.  This isn't an unusual food for me to eat - it's just unusual for me to eat it at that time of day.  It was around 8:05am.

Now... oatmeal is not a scary food for me.  I eat it almost every day (diet plan be damned! Lol.)  But I feel as though I'm always being such a pig.  It's disgusting!!!! I look humongous and I need to just... not.  So yesterday I decided I'd had enough.  I decided I wasn't going to eat for the rest of the day until dinnertime.

And I didn't!!!!

Sure, this is ED speaking here.  But... yeaaaahhhh buddy!  Finally.  I was so relieved to find that I still had willpower.  I can't tell you how relieved I was.  From 8:00am until 9:15pm.. all I had was coffee, diet coke and gummie vitamins (2 of them.)  It wasn't even hard!  Yes I did chew and spit for over an hour.  Expensive habit but.. I don't care.  I was also practically vibrating in my seat by the time dinner came around, but I don't care about that either.  I felt powerful.  I felt strong.  I felt in control (or controlled??)

My head is such a confusing space right now.  

Grow up vs. Stay young
Eat vs. Restrict
Periods vs. Amenorrhea
Motherhood vs. Anorexia

Essentially its this: Right vs. Wrong.

The trouble is they sometimes blur and I don't know which is which.  It also depends on whether it's ME or ED talking.  Is there even a distinction?? Sometimes I don't even know.