Overload

I'm sitting up in my bedroom.  On the bed.  With my white comforter over my legs.  I'm wearing a comfy, red Nike long sleeve shirt and black legging capris that I got at Rue 21 in Sioux City, Iowa back in the summer of 2012 for $2.  I have my favorite black nursing tank top on underneath my red Nike shirt.  My hair is in a messy ponytail.  My fingernails have the remnants of a haphazard self-done manicure.  Essie polish.  Color: Enuf is enuf.  My nails need trimming.  My toenails are even worse.

This is what motherhood looks like on me today.

I had every intention of studying for my 2 online courses for my NASM recertification.  But I'm a ball of anxiety and need to blog instead.  There's like 3 loads of laundry almost completely blocking the hallway at the top of the stairs outside the kids' rooms.  It looks like my dryer exploded.  But, like I said, I'm a ball of anxiety and need to blog instead.

Ever since I was pregnant with Orion, my anxiety has gone haywire.  I remember having anxiety after Mara was born too.  And, indeed, before she was born but that was more like I was constantly worried I'd miscarry or something.  I was less worried about miscarriage my second pregnancy, but my anxiety grabbed onto other things and wouldn't let go.  

I can't remember if I wrote about this before or not, but back in the summertime when I was pregnant with Orion, I started having some pretty extreme anxiety revolving around Mara and stomach viruses.  Weird, right?  Like, what a weird thing to have anxiety over.  I mean, of course stomach viruses suck horribly.  But is it really worth getting all anxious and worked up over?  Apparently it is, if you're me!

Mara came down with a stomach virus back on June 9th.  I remember because it was the day of my friend's son's birthday party.  She was 100% fine at the party.  She even ate like 4 slices of pizza and a big piece of birthday cake and played for like 4 1/2 straight hours.  Then that night - BAM! High fever and throwing up.  I holed up in Orion's room with him and escaped to my parents' house the next day.

So on Friday of last week, Mara crashed on her scooter.  She was pretty banged up.  She bit her lip badly during the crash and has had a bad canker sore because of it so she hasn't really been wanting to eat because it hurts.  Today, I picked her up from my friend's house where she went instead of preschool (a story for another post) and she was refusing lunch.  We went to the store to grab a few things and she didn't even ask for a cookie.  I was suspicious.

On Monday, when I dropped her off at school, her teacher was just getting out of her car in the parking lot at the same time we arrived.  She has her 2 youngest kids in the school too, and she asked me if I'd tell the other classroom teacher that she'd be in momentarily, that her youngest son had just thrown up on himself in the car.

My immediate instinct was to take Mara and leave.  To not put her in school that day.  I didn't, though, and apparently I should have.

Because Mara had a bad scooter accident last week, and didn't have any bloodwork done to rule out things like trauma-induced pancreatitis, I called the pediatrician's office today when I noticed her marked lack of appetite.  They got us in with in half an hour.  

The doctor's verdict: stomach virus.  

She said, "I would bet she'll start throwing up or having diarrhea sometime in the next 12-24 hours."

Cue my anxiety going BERSERK.  The doctor wanted to run a blood test just to be certain that nothing else was going on but she was fairly confident it was a virus.  Mara had no appetite and just lounged around on the couch the rest of the night and went to bed with Corky about 20 minutes ago.  So I'm on Orion duty tonight, and he's on Mara duty.  

WHY AM I SO FREAKED OUT BY THIS???

OMG speaking of that... as I'm typing that, a singing teapot toy that Mara has just started playing all by itself in her bedroom.  There is no one in there! I thought maybe Abby was in there but no... she's downstairs with Corky and Mara in the basement room where they're sleeping (because there's an attached bathroom).  FREAKY.

Anyway.  Ghosts aside.  Why has my anxiety grabbed onto this?  I mean, I understand that part of why it's so worrisome to me is that if I get it and get dehydrated that my milk supply will tank.  And obviously that's bad when you have an exclusively breastfed baby who refuses bottles (ahem, son!).  But this is more than that.  I don't know what it is.

Ugh, I don't know.  I know we'll get through it, but I feel like life for the past several months has just been one long series of "getting through it."  I just want everyone to be healthy and uninjured for more than 2 or 3 days at at time.  Is that really too much to ask??  Why can't she just get a cold?? She hasn't had a single cold!  Just all stomach bugs.  And besides that.. it's almost July! Aren't we out of cold and flu season yet?? Why is the stomach bug lingering around here? UGHHH MAKES ME SO STRESSED AND ANNOYED.

Okay.  Now that I got all that out, maybe I can study.  I'm running out of time to complete these 2 classes but my nerves are just shot and I couldn't concentrate.  I'll study for an hour and then go to bed, unless Orion gets up before that.  Wish us luck with this latest stomach virus. Xo.