I typically don't say much about this because it makes me sound insane. Like literally, off my rocker, batshit crazy. Not to everybody, but to some people. I can always tell when they are thinking that because they get this look on their faces.... I can't explain it. Their lips kind of pull back, sometimes just on one side, there's a slight head tilt, a small raise in eyebrows; a look that just screams "yeah, right!" I really fucking hate when people look at me like that. So I don't usually say much about misophonia.
But misophonia exists - and I have it. Click Here to view a website that provides information about misophonia.
Basically it means that I hate sounds. Certain ones. But there are lots of them. I've had it my whole life. Anyone who does not have misophonia does not understand the intense hatred, anger, abhorrence, etc. that a sufferer goes through when hearing a trigger sound, especially repeatedly.
Guys, this is more than just "oh I hate when people chew gum loudly." This is a full body reaction, a total meltdown of composure. I, personally, have many trigger sounds but there is one that is the most severe of all: lip smacking. Mouth sounds in general are trigger sounds for me but smacking is the worst of the worst. In the past I've been known to twitch, scream, swear, hit the wall (or table, or whatever is near me), cry hysterically, hit my head, scratch my skin, even try to pull my hair out, just to make the reaction stop.
People.... I cannot even tell you how it feels. As I type this, my dog is chewing on something. Some dead cow part. I believe it's a kneecap. EW!!! Anyway, this is Thursday. Corky works Tues-Sat. Tuesday, Wednesday and half of Thursday I am home with the dog. Tuesday is usually okay.. she's pretty tired after playing with Corky all weekend, so she sleeps a lot. Wednesday things get a little harder. I often have to run errands and I am not good at doggie-wrestling like Corky is. So Abigail will follow me around, get underfoot and whine at me if I'm not constantly paying attention to her. So I put up with that for as long as I can and then I give her something to play with. Well, she's bored of balls and squeaky toys (because squeaking I can handle!) and wants something edible.
Enter the kneecap.
She received that kneecap yesterday (Wednesday) at about 11:30am. She has been chewing on it and licking it constantly. I can hear it over music I play. I can hear it THROUGH MY IPOD! Did I mention I have intensely good hearing? I can hear like negative 10 decibels or something. I could hear my audiologist through the soundproof booth she had me sitting in! Nothing helps. If I take away the kneecap, Abigail finds something else to chew on. If I remove everything from her, she licks the god damn floor. Over and over. In one spot. Licking, smacking, endlessly.
My chest feels tight. My hands are tingling. Right now! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! My blood feels like it's boiling and it feels like little icicles are pricking my brain. I feel like a mountain that is about to erupt. I want to scream. I am not a mean person, but honest to GOD I feel like drop-kicking my dog right now. I would never do it, but I am so, so angry.
Nobody told me my dog would lick, smack and chew constantly. Nobody fucking told me that! I've never had a dog before. My parents dog doesn't do anything. She just lies around all day. Why couldn't I get a dog like that? Oh no, I get the dog that has to lick and chew and smack EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF LINT IN THE HOUSE!!! She'll sit in one spot, and lick her chops for hours. This is why I only had birds for years! They don't have lips!!!!! Why can't Abigail just have a beak?
I often find myself asking God, the Universe, whoever: "Why?" Why would you give me misophonia AND amazing hearing? Why would you give me a high IQ and then give me all these sensory problems to hinder me in school? Why would you give me an eating disorder and then make me hungry? Why would you do this to me? What did I do wrong? I don't understand, and nobody ever answers me!
This isn't getting any easier. I spent my whole life saying "Don't smack!" to my parents who just yelled at me, told me to deal with it, get over it, you're overreacting, you're blowing it out of proportion. Nobody understands the deep hatred for sounds I have. Nobody understands how deep it goes, how severe it is, how violent my reaction inside is. I feel like I'm dying a little bit every time anybody invalidates my intense hatred for this sound. It goes beyond hatred. There is not a word in the English language that can express how I feel about this sound. It's rage. Someone smacks in a certain way, I'll hear it for days. Over and over, on repeat, in my head. I'll never un-hear it.
I've learned to live MY life in a way where I make that sound as little as possible. But everyone else makes it all the fucking time. The other weekend we went snowboarding with Corky's step-dad who is one of the worst smackers I know. He chewed gum the entire way home. Right behind me. In my ear. Smacking for 2 straight hours. I just sat there, my hood up, tears rolling down my face.
People have said before (ahem Corky) "you should just do immersion therapy." Honestly, I think that would make me insane. Like, real-life, honest-to-God nuts. Straightjacket, padded walks, drooling, talking to nobody, insanity. Or else I'd be suicidal. I would off myself if I were forced to sit and listen to someone smacking constantly for days. I would go legit crazy.
I can't tell you what I'd do right now if someone were sitting in front of me going "you hate this sound? You mean this one?" and then smack a bunch. To be perfectly honest with you, I might hit them!
And this just happened: Abigail decided it was necessary to lick the kneecap. Not chew, just lick. And smack, smack, smack, smack. It went on for about a minute straight as I was typing that last paragraph and right before I typed the word "them" at the end of that sentence, I lost it. I slapped the table with my hand and said "just fucking chew it! You don't have to lick it! Just fucking chew it!"
Her ears went back and she dropped the kneecap and slunk under the table where she is now standing, licking her chops and looking at me with these big sad, brown eyes. And I feel like the shittiest person in the world.
Maybe I am! But this is real, guys, and I can't help that.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I Can't!
Let me just say:
I really @$#$%^ hate being hungry. I'm at about 475 calories for the day. AND I DO NOT WANT TO EXCEED THAT!!!!!
I just ate this so my blood sugar won't crash:
(apple, greek yogurt and green tea)
I have Zumba at 4:30pm. I've been running around like mad doing errands all day. I have group tonight (which I hate.) 475 isn't too bad for all that, right? I can burn of at least half of that in Zumba if not all of it!
My heart is skipping and stuttering like crazy. I don't give a shit. I just want to be skinny, damnit. I'll do anything.
I really @$#$%^ hate being hungry. I'm at about 475 calories for the day. AND I DO NOT WANT TO EXCEED THAT!!!!!
I just ate this so my blood sugar won't crash:
(apple, greek yogurt and green tea)
I have Zumba at 4:30pm. I've been running around like mad doing errands all day. I have group tonight (which I hate.) 475 isn't too bad for all that, right? I can burn of at least half of that in Zumba if not all of it!
My heart is skipping and stuttering like crazy. I don't give a shit. I just want to be skinny, damnit. I'll do anything.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
So Beautiful!
OMG what did I just come across?
The Most Beautiful Video/Song Ever
^Click that. I promise you won't be sorry you did.
The Most Beautiful Video/Song Ever
^Click that. I promise you won't be sorry you did.
Eating Disorder Awareness Week
As you may or may not know, this week is eating disorder awareness week 2013. Eating disorders! Oh yes, I'm aware!
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Disconnect
Is it just me...
....or is there a major disconnect somewhere in the world? Or, I guess I should say, in America? Or American/British/Australian/Basic-English-Speaking-Plus-Europe-Sometimes thought processes?
Now, it goes without saying that there is a disconnect in MY thought process. I cannot accurately see my own body, yet I can see everyone else perfectly fine. But I feel like it goes deeper than that. I feel like there is something more troubling, more confusing, more dissonant going on here. I feel like life has become one huge hypocritical mess.
High fashion model criteria states that a woman must be between 5'9" and 5'11" and wear between size 0 and size 2. That accounts for about 5% of the natural population (read: people without anorexia or other such eating disorders.) Take a look at an America's Next Top Model spread. Not a speck of fat in the place!
And that's what we consider beautiful, right? Because that's who we all aspire to look like. Everyone wants to look like the high fashion models. They get the guys. They get the free clothes. They can wear anything.
But then we have "Sexiest Woman." Okay, first of all, who is this according to? I'm not saying I don't agree, I'm just asking. Doesn't matter. So, supposing that these "sexiest" women are voted for, whereas models are selected by judges who clearly have something wrong with their brains, then shouldn't THIS be what we see in high fashion??
How are we supposed to know what to believe?? It makes no sense. Here we have an obvious contradiction. Go with the media? Or go with "popular opinion"?
It doesn't even stay the same with one person! Poor Mary-Kate Olsen! She gets bashed by the tabloids for having an eating disorder and being too thin, then they make fun of her for being "too big!"
How can anyone ever do it right? Can we ever agree?
....or is there a major disconnect somewhere in the world? Or, I guess I should say, in America? Or American/British/Australian/Basic-English-Speaking-Plus-Europe-Sometimes thought processes?
Now, it goes without saying that there is a disconnect in MY thought process. I cannot accurately see my own body, yet I can see everyone else perfectly fine. But I feel like it goes deeper than that. I feel like there is something more troubling, more confusing, more dissonant going on here. I feel like life has become one huge hypocritical mess.
High fashion model criteria states that a woman must be between 5'9" and 5'11" and wear between size 0 and size 2. That accounts for about 5% of the natural population (read: people without anorexia or other such eating disorders.) Take a look at an America's Next Top Model spread. Not a speck of fat in the place!
And that's what we consider beautiful, right? Because that's who we all aspire to look like. Everyone wants to look like the high fashion models. They get the guys. They get the free clothes. They can wear anything.
But then we have "Sexiest Woman." Okay, first of all, who is this according to? I'm not saying I don't agree, I'm just asking. Doesn't matter. So, supposing that these "sexiest" women are voted for, whereas models are selected by judges who clearly have something wrong with their brains, then shouldn't THIS be what we see in high fashion??
How are we supposed to know what to believe?? It makes no sense. Here we have an obvious contradiction. Go with the media? Or go with "popular opinion"?
It doesn't even stay the same with one person! Poor Mary-Kate Olsen! She gets bashed by the tabloids for having an eating disorder and being too thin, then they make fun of her for being "too big!"
How can anyone ever do it right? Can we ever agree?
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Why??
What did I do to deserve this??
I don't pray. Ever. Not even sure I believe in God. But I just capitalized that, didn't I? So let's say for the sake of argument that for right now, for these few minutes, I believe in God. Okay? So here's what I have to say to Him/Her.
Dear God,
I don't know for sure if you exist, but if you don't then these words are just flying into space. No harm, no foul, right?
God, I didn't ask to have an eating disorder. But that's okay. I don't mind it too much most of the time. If my having an eating disorder keeps someone else from having one, then it's fine with me. I'll take it. I don't mind, God, really I don't. But could you just take that fat off me then? Please God? I won't complain about not eating pizza. I won't complain about missing french fries. I'll miss them for sure, but I promise I won't complain.
I know I swear a lot. I'm sorry about that. I know it's rude and vulgar and not how I'm supposed to behave. I've been trying to work on that because I'm around kids a lot and who knows what they'll pick up! But if I swear less, God, will you please just make the fat go away? I promise I'll do better.
Isn't being a good person what we're all on this planet for? Does religion really matter? I don't know what kind of God you are, but "God" is just a word, right? I could call you "Reginald" and it would still be YOU I'm talking to. I try to do the right thing whenever I can. I help people. I donate to charity. I pay my taxes and I don't complain much about it. I give bums money and holiday cards. I try to treat everyone with respect. I don't steal. I don't cheat. I do what I say I'll do, when I say I'll do it. God, I'm trying so hard to be a good person. Can't you please just help me here? Just five pounds, God. Maybe seven. That's all.
I'll take this eating disorder. I won't complain, I promise I won't. I don't mind so much, not really. But God, don't you understand that having an eating disorder AND having fat on me is impossible to deal with? There's the "food" part, then there's the "body" part. I don't mind the "food" part. I can live without pizza and cookies and candy and all that stuff. But I can't live with the fat. Please, I'll do anything you say if you take it off.
I'm not sure how to finish this... I could just let it trail off that way. But if you can't take away the fat, I understand. I'll work on it too. But God, if you can't take it away from me, can you do something else for me?
This monster has gotten my friend. She works with me. You know who I mean. She's so little, God. Inside and out. I just want to hug her. I want to pick her up and shield her from everything bad in the world. I hate that this got her too. She doesn't deserve it. I'll live with it all if you can take it away from her. I promise I'll never complain about it again if you just take it from her and give it to me. I already hurt, God. A little more won't make a difference. She's a good person. Better than me. She's so smart and so good at so many things. This could kill her. Please don't let it. I'll take it all if you just give it to me. She's my best friend, God, and I don't want her to hurt anymore.
Love,
Kate.
I don't pray. Ever. Not even sure I believe in God. But I just capitalized that, didn't I? So let's say for the sake of argument that for right now, for these few minutes, I believe in God. Okay? So here's what I have to say to Him/Her.
Dear God,
I don't know for sure if you exist, but if you don't then these words are just flying into space. No harm, no foul, right?
God, I didn't ask to have an eating disorder. But that's okay. I don't mind it too much most of the time. If my having an eating disorder keeps someone else from having one, then it's fine with me. I'll take it. I don't mind, God, really I don't. But could you just take that fat off me then? Please God? I won't complain about not eating pizza. I won't complain about missing french fries. I'll miss them for sure, but I promise I won't complain.
I know I swear a lot. I'm sorry about that. I know it's rude and vulgar and not how I'm supposed to behave. I've been trying to work on that because I'm around kids a lot and who knows what they'll pick up! But if I swear less, God, will you please just make the fat go away? I promise I'll do better.
Isn't being a good person what we're all on this planet for? Does religion really matter? I don't know what kind of God you are, but "God" is just a word, right? I could call you "Reginald" and it would still be YOU I'm talking to. I try to do the right thing whenever I can. I help people. I donate to charity. I pay my taxes and I don't complain much about it. I give bums money and holiday cards. I try to treat everyone with respect. I don't steal. I don't cheat. I do what I say I'll do, when I say I'll do it. God, I'm trying so hard to be a good person. Can't you please just help me here? Just five pounds, God. Maybe seven. That's all.
I'll take this eating disorder. I won't complain, I promise I won't. I don't mind so much, not really. But God, don't you understand that having an eating disorder AND having fat on me is impossible to deal with? There's the "food" part, then there's the "body" part. I don't mind the "food" part. I can live without pizza and cookies and candy and all that stuff. But I can't live with the fat. Please, I'll do anything you say if you take it off.
I'm not sure how to finish this... I could just let it trail off that way. But if you can't take away the fat, I understand. I'll work on it too. But God, if you can't take it away from me, can you do something else for me?
This monster has gotten my friend. She works with me. You know who I mean. She's so little, God. Inside and out. I just want to hug her. I want to pick her up and shield her from everything bad in the world. I hate that this got her too. She doesn't deserve it. I'll live with it all if you can take it away from her. I promise I'll never complain about it again if you just take it from her and give it to me. I already hurt, God. A little more won't make a difference. She's a good person. Better than me. She's so smart and so good at so many things. This could kill her. Please don't let it. I'll take it all if you just give it to me. She's my best friend, God, and I don't want her to hurt anymore.
Love,
Kate.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Not A Total Loss
I am so excited. I just found this website that lets you enter your weight, the number of minutes you do Zumba and the intensity and tells you how many calories you burn!
Here's the link: http://caloriesburnedhq.com/zumba-calories-burned/
For me, doing 55 minutes of workout at mid-high intensity, I burn between 360 and 408 calories. Not as high as I'd hoped but it's not as low as I feared! So that's good, right?
So far today I've eaten 640 calories, or thereabouts. I've already taught one 60 minute Zumba class and I'll teach another one tonight. So that's between 720 and 816 calories burned from Zumba. So as long as I only eat a little bit more (to avoid a crash during teaching) I'll be okay. Also I have a mini jam session with A and A2 tonight, for maybe an hour, so that's a little extra burned off too.
Not a total loss. Not even close.
Have a good day everybody!
Here's the link: http://caloriesburnedhq.com/zumba-calories-burned/
For me, doing 55 minutes of workout at mid-high intensity, I burn between 360 and 408 calories. Not as high as I'd hoped but it's not as low as I feared! So that's good, right?
So far today I've eaten 640 calories, or thereabouts. I've already taught one 60 minute Zumba class and I'll teach another one tonight. So that's between 720 and 816 calories burned from Zumba. So as long as I only eat a little bit more (to avoid a crash during teaching) I'll be okay. Also I have a mini jam session with A and A2 tonight, for maybe an hour, so that's a little extra burned off too.
Not a total loss. Not even close.
Have a good day everybody!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Murphy's Law
Who the heck was Murphy?
And why'd he have to go and make a law? If it wasn't for him (or her) and that stupid law then things might not come in clumps like they do.
It all started in Los Angeles... the City of Angels.
Or of felons, as it turns out. So on Saturday (February 16) I was about to leave my Bollywood/Bhangra session at the 2013 Zumba Conference in L.A. with my friend A2 (my friend A was there also but not in the BB session.) Some woman had picked up my bag "thinking it was hers" and she had my wallet out. I just kind of snatched it out of her hands and put it back and rushed out because there were about 300 of us in that room and everyone was stampeding toward the door and I didn't want to get run over.
That night I was thirsty and wanted a Coke Zero from the vending machine which, of course, only takes card. So I went to get my card and found it was missing! Well it didn't take a rocket scientist (whatever a rocket scientist even is!) to figure out what had happened. I searched all my pockets and the room, just in case, but it didn't turn up. So I called my dad and told him to cancel the card. I had about $60 in cash on me, so I knew I'd be okay. A small snag happened when I went to check out. I had no money and they wouldn't take a card number over the phone. Fortunately A2 bailed me out there. Thank goodness for good friends!
So yesterday the banks were closed, of course, because it was a holiday. So I had to wait until today to go get a new debit card. No big deal. Today was a nice sunny day (a bit cold, but that's okay.) I decided I was going to walk up to the bank and take advantage of the sunshine, since it's a rare occurrence here in Oregon, especially in February. I went down to the garage to get my sunglasses out of my car and noticed that the trunk was up a little bit. I wasn't too surprised. Corky had taken my car up to Albany for work on Friday. I went and closed it, but then I had a thought. Don't the inside lights on the car stay on when the trunk is open? I reopened the trunk and saw no light. Hmmm....
I went to the front of the car and got in. The ceiling lights came on faintly. Hmmm!!!! I put the key in the ignition, took a breath, and turned it.
Gah-woo-wooo-wooooooooo...... click! Oh. No.
Now, this might be a good time for me to mention to you a couple of things. First of all, I have some pretty strange fears and phobias. For some reason, ever since I was a little kid, I've been afraid of cars not starting. I don't like the sounds they make when they turn over. Even just the idea of cars not starting makes me uneasy. For years, probably from when I was about 3 until I was about 15, I would plug my ears whenever anyone would start a car I was in. Just instinct. I had been lucky up until now. I had never had MY car not start. Until today. This was uncharted territory for me!
This is also probably a good time to mention that my debit card wasn't the only thing that got lost on my L.A. trip. The other thing I lost was my iPod! I am a Zumba instructor! I cannot work without my iPod! So for today I had 2 things lined up: bank and iPod. Now, I had to add a third thing: my car!
I thought to myself, okay.. I can do this. I just need to figure out what to focus on! Well, I need to be able to get to work tonight. So I need my car to work. Well, hang on, I can't teach without an iPod. Okay, so I'll get an iPod. Well, wait, I can't get an iPod without a card to buy it with. Okay, so go to the bank. I was planning to walk there anyway, so I set off. As I walked, I called Corky's work. He was on his way to the credit union. I called his cell phone. No answer. Okay.. no big deal. I'll call my mom and see if she can help me in case I'm in a pinch. No answer there. Hmm.. getting a little more nervous now. Called my dad. No answer.
Suddenly I felt very alone. I wasn't worried about getting to work. I knew I could take a bus or call a cab if necessary. It was just something about being kind of stuck in a situation I wasn't sure how to handle with no lifelines that freaked me out. But it was still only like 12:30pm and I didn't work until 6:30 so I figured I'd just get started on what I could deal with: the bank!
After waiting eons I finally talked to a lady who got me set up with a temporary debit card. I then deposited my paycheck, noting with relief that I did indeed have a balance high enough to buy an iPod with. Then I walked across the street to Corky's work. He was still at the credit union, in a meeting. Oh yeah... he mentioned that. I told his coworker S about the circus my life had suddenly turned into. It was so ridiculous. Here I was, trying to fix the situation created by my stolen debit card and lost iPod. I had gotten a debit card, but now I couldn't get anywhere! I started laughing. S offered to let me use her car to go get my iPod, but just then my mom called me back and told me she'd be over at 2:00pm. I thanked S for her offer, and left.
As I was walking home, Corky called. I told him about the car and he said he'd be right home to jump-start it. I told him to go ahead, that I'd meet him there when I arrived. I came home to find him frustrated - he couldn't locate his jumper cables of course! I told him to take my motorcycle to work and leave his car for me (I'm not too great on my motorcycle) and we would deal with it when I got home from work.
My mom and I went to the Mac Store. I bought a 4th generation iPod touch (in white) for $200. Ouch. But it's new and shiny and pretty and my old one is gone so.... what choice did I have? I taught in 4 hours! What could I do? I asked the guy, "so, if I take this home and plug it into my computer, my music from iTunes will transfer, right?" He told me it would.
So imagine, if you can, my horror when I find that I can't do it because my version of iTunes is too old! Well, the reason it's too old is because that computer is from the stone age and it takes like 50 light years to update anything! Also, I had heard from other Zumba instructors that the new version of iTunes was really confusing and irritating. So I searched frantically for the Update button and couldn't find it.
On the verge of panicking, I called the Mac Store. I told the guy the situation and he was like, "well... uh.... I can't really help you because uh... I'm not too good with the whole technology-slash-computer thing but here's the 800 number for you..." ...........Pardon? You work at the MAC STORE. You sell MAC PRODUCTS such as computers and technology. I said, "you need a new job," and hung up. Poor sonofabitch. He had the misfortune of picking up the call from AngryStressedKate.
I called the 800 number. While I was on hold for what seemed like eternity, I found the Update thing on iTunes and clicked it. I had a mini-meltdown when the computer tried to tell me that I wasn't connected to the internet when in fact I had like 3 active browser windows going, but whatever. I tried twice more and finally it remembered that it had been bugging me to update iTunes roughly since the dawn of time. The update began. When it was about 85% complete, a real live human came on the phone. Her solution? "Click Update. That's it." Well, okay!
After much finagling I finally got my music onto my new iPod. That new iTunes confuses the hell out of me, as I feared it would.
I went to work. My class decided today was a good day to have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I felt like I was performing. I do a song called "Hella Decalé." It has this loud "HEY!" part in it. So there I am, running back and forth, shooting my fist in the air and yelling "HEY!" on every 4 and 8 count.... all by myself. Everyone else is moving in a vaguely lateral fashion, raising arms that resemble cooked spaghetti noodles and rolling their eyes as if to say can you believe I pay for this shit? Honestly.... these are the times I hate my job. When I give them everything and get nothing back. Eventually I gave up on getting them to yell "HEY!"
I was PISSED. That doesn't happen to me often in a class. Sometimes I get a little cranky or just feel down or like I'm fat or whatever. But this time... maybe it was because of the day I had. Maybe I'm still a little tired from the conference. I don't know. But I was mad. After the song I walked over and paused my (shiny new) iPod, turned off the fan so my students could hear me and delivered the following monologue:
"I understand that it is embarrassing to yell 'hey!' sometimes. I didn't like it either when I was a student. But let me tell you why I ask you to do that. (I pointed to my upper abdomen) See this? There are muscles under here. It's called your diaphragm. Know what it does? Helps you breathe. Know what else it can do? Listen. HEY! (I yelled loudly and sharply.) That was loud, right? Know why that was? Because I strengthen those muscles. We are all women in here. Heaven forbid you should ever need to yell to be heard... (a pause to let them figure out what that probably meant).... you can be. And since you all didn't want to yell 'hey' with me... you get an extra workout song! You with me?"
So I ended on a lighter note. I wanted them to understand that I'm not there to make them feel or look like fools. I'm not trying to embarrass them. I'm not trying to make them look funny and I'm sure as hell not there to laugh at them! The things I ask them to do have purpose behind them. This seemed to take root with my students and the class ended on a better note than it began on. People smiled at me and thanked me as I left. Maybe I'll lose a few students because of my straightforwardness but... que cerá, cerá; what will be will be.
I got home. Corky jump-started my car (only shocking himself once in the process.) We drove to Marine Drive and saw airplanes land while my battery recharged. We went to Shari's for dinner and I ate part of an over-easy egg. Corky filmed that and it's on my YouTube channel (katenotkatie87.) Now we're home, just chilling out before going to bed.
Days like this are trying. But when you come out of it at the end and everything is okay, it's a really good feeling. I have a debit card. I have a working (shiny new pretty) iPod with some new music on it too. I'm texting with my friend A and we are going snowboarding with her brother and Corky on Sunday. I had a bit of trouble with guilt over food today but I survived that too.
I'm alive and I'm going to be fine.
Links:
Hella Decalé: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plSpDGmauy4
The egg dare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUk9SvtylIE
And why'd he have to go and make a law? If it wasn't for him (or her) and that stupid law then things might not come in clumps like they do.
It all started in Los Angeles... the City of Angels.
Or of felons, as it turns out. So on Saturday (February 16) I was about to leave my Bollywood/Bhangra session at the 2013 Zumba Conference in L.A. with my friend A2 (my friend A was there also but not in the BB session.) Some woman had picked up my bag "thinking it was hers" and she had my wallet out. I just kind of snatched it out of her hands and put it back and rushed out because there were about 300 of us in that room and everyone was stampeding toward the door and I didn't want to get run over.
That night I was thirsty and wanted a Coke Zero from the vending machine which, of course, only takes card. So I went to get my card and found it was missing! Well it didn't take a rocket scientist (whatever a rocket scientist even is!) to figure out what had happened. I searched all my pockets and the room, just in case, but it didn't turn up. So I called my dad and told him to cancel the card. I had about $60 in cash on me, so I knew I'd be okay. A small snag happened when I went to check out. I had no money and they wouldn't take a card number over the phone. Fortunately A2 bailed me out there. Thank goodness for good friends!
So yesterday the banks were closed, of course, because it was a holiday. So I had to wait until today to go get a new debit card. No big deal. Today was a nice sunny day (a bit cold, but that's okay.) I decided I was going to walk up to the bank and take advantage of the sunshine, since it's a rare occurrence here in Oregon, especially in February. I went down to the garage to get my sunglasses out of my car and noticed that the trunk was up a little bit. I wasn't too surprised. Corky had taken my car up to Albany for work on Friday. I went and closed it, but then I had a thought. Don't the inside lights on the car stay on when the trunk is open? I reopened the trunk and saw no light. Hmmm....
I went to the front of the car and got in. The ceiling lights came on faintly. Hmmm!!!! I put the key in the ignition, took a breath, and turned it.
Gah-woo-wooo-wooooooooo...... click! Oh. No.
Now, this might be a good time for me to mention to you a couple of things. First of all, I have some pretty strange fears and phobias. For some reason, ever since I was a little kid, I've been afraid of cars not starting. I don't like the sounds they make when they turn over. Even just the idea of cars not starting makes me uneasy. For years, probably from when I was about 3 until I was about 15, I would plug my ears whenever anyone would start a car I was in. Just instinct. I had been lucky up until now. I had never had MY car not start. Until today. This was uncharted territory for me!
This is also probably a good time to mention that my debit card wasn't the only thing that got lost on my L.A. trip. The other thing I lost was my iPod! I am a Zumba instructor! I cannot work without my iPod! So for today I had 2 things lined up: bank and iPod. Now, I had to add a third thing: my car!
I thought to myself, okay.. I can do this. I just need to figure out what to focus on! Well, I need to be able to get to work tonight. So I need my car to work. Well, hang on, I can't teach without an iPod. Okay, so I'll get an iPod. Well, wait, I can't get an iPod without a card to buy it with. Okay, so go to the bank. I was planning to walk there anyway, so I set off. As I walked, I called Corky's work. He was on his way to the credit union. I called his cell phone. No answer. Okay.. no big deal. I'll call my mom and see if she can help me in case I'm in a pinch. No answer there. Hmm.. getting a little more nervous now. Called my dad. No answer.
Suddenly I felt very alone. I wasn't worried about getting to work. I knew I could take a bus or call a cab if necessary. It was just something about being kind of stuck in a situation I wasn't sure how to handle with no lifelines that freaked me out. But it was still only like 12:30pm and I didn't work until 6:30 so I figured I'd just get started on what I could deal with: the bank!
After waiting eons I finally talked to a lady who got me set up with a temporary debit card. I then deposited my paycheck, noting with relief that I did indeed have a balance high enough to buy an iPod with. Then I walked across the street to Corky's work. He was still at the credit union, in a meeting. Oh yeah... he mentioned that. I told his coworker S about the circus my life had suddenly turned into. It was so ridiculous. Here I was, trying to fix the situation created by my stolen debit card and lost iPod. I had gotten a debit card, but now I couldn't get anywhere! I started laughing. S offered to let me use her car to go get my iPod, but just then my mom called me back and told me she'd be over at 2:00pm. I thanked S for her offer, and left.
As I was walking home, Corky called. I told him about the car and he said he'd be right home to jump-start it. I told him to go ahead, that I'd meet him there when I arrived. I came home to find him frustrated - he couldn't locate his jumper cables of course! I told him to take my motorcycle to work and leave his car for me (I'm not too great on my motorcycle) and we would deal with it when I got home from work.
My mom and I went to the Mac Store. I bought a 4th generation iPod touch (in white) for $200. Ouch. But it's new and shiny and pretty and my old one is gone so.... what choice did I have? I taught in 4 hours! What could I do? I asked the guy, "so, if I take this home and plug it into my computer, my music from iTunes will transfer, right?" He told me it would.
So imagine, if you can, my horror when I find that I can't do it because my version of iTunes is too old! Well, the reason it's too old is because that computer is from the stone age and it takes like 50 light years to update anything! Also, I had heard from other Zumba instructors that the new version of iTunes was really confusing and irritating. So I searched frantically for the Update button and couldn't find it.
On the verge of panicking, I called the Mac Store. I told the guy the situation and he was like, "well... uh.... I can't really help you because uh... I'm not too good with the whole technology-slash-computer thing but here's the 800 number for you..." ...........Pardon? You work at the MAC STORE. You sell MAC PRODUCTS such as computers and technology. I said, "you need a new job," and hung up. Poor sonofabitch. He had the misfortune of picking up the call from AngryStressedKate.
I called the 800 number. While I was on hold for what seemed like eternity, I found the Update thing on iTunes and clicked it. I had a mini-meltdown when the computer tried to tell me that I wasn't connected to the internet when in fact I had like 3 active browser windows going, but whatever. I tried twice more and finally it remembered that it had been bugging me to update iTunes roughly since the dawn of time. The update began. When it was about 85% complete, a real live human came on the phone. Her solution? "Click Update. That's it." Well, okay!
After much finagling I finally got my music onto my new iPod. That new iTunes confuses the hell out of me, as I feared it would.
I went to work. My class decided today was a good day to have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I felt like I was performing. I do a song called "Hella Decalé." It has this loud "HEY!" part in it. So there I am, running back and forth, shooting my fist in the air and yelling "HEY!" on every 4 and 8 count.... all by myself. Everyone else is moving in a vaguely lateral fashion, raising arms that resemble cooked spaghetti noodles and rolling their eyes as if to say can you believe I pay for this shit? Honestly.... these are the times I hate my job. When I give them everything and get nothing back. Eventually I gave up on getting them to yell "HEY!"
I was PISSED. That doesn't happen to me often in a class. Sometimes I get a little cranky or just feel down or like I'm fat or whatever. But this time... maybe it was because of the day I had. Maybe I'm still a little tired from the conference. I don't know. But I was mad. After the song I walked over and paused my (shiny new) iPod, turned off the fan so my students could hear me and delivered the following monologue:
"I understand that it is embarrassing to yell 'hey!' sometimes. I didn't like it either when I was a student. But let me tell you why I ask you to do that. (I pointed to my upper abdomen) See this? There are muscles under here. It's called your diaphragm. Know what it does? Helps you breathe. Know what else it can do? Listen. HEY! (I yelled loudly and sharply.) That was loud, right? Know why that was? Because I strengthen those muscles. We are all women in here. Heaven forbid you should ever need to yell to be heard... (a pause to let them figure out what that probably meant).... you can be. And since you all didn't want to yell 'hey' with me... you get an extra workout song! You with me?"
So I ended on a lighter note. I wanted them to understand that I'm not there to make them feel or look like fools. I'm not trying to embarrass them. I'm not trying to make them look funny and I'm sure as hell not there to laugh at them! The things I ask them to do have purpose behind them. This seemed to take root with my students and the class ended on a better note than it began on. People smiled at me and thanked me as I left. Maybe I'll lose a few students because of my straightforwardness but... que cerá, cerá; what will be will be.
I got home. Corky jump-started my car (only shocking himself once in the process.) We drove to Marine Drive and saw airplanes land while my battery recharged. We went to Shari's for dinner and I ate part of an over-easy egg. Corky filmed that and it's on my YouTube channel (katenotkatie87.) Now we're home, just chilling out before going to bed.
Days like this are trying. But when you come out of it at the end and everything is okay, it's a really good feeling. I have a debit card. I have a working (shiny new pretty) iPod with some new music on it too. I'm texting with my friend A and we are going snowboarding with her brother and Corky on Sunday. I had a bit of trouble with guilt over food today but I survived that too.
I'm alive and I'm going to be fine.
Links:
Hella Decalé: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plSpDGmauy4
The egg dare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUk9SvtylIE
Monday, February 18, 2013
L.A. Zumba Conference Pictures
I am so total-body tired (mentally, physically) that I can't manage to make a whole long typed entry about the 2013 Zumba Conference right now, but here are the pictures that I promised in my YouTube vlog on the subject (katenotkatie87.)
The Boeing 737
Wing!
Safety card.
My Valentine's Day dinner (at the Oakland Airport)
Coke Zero and airplanes, 2 of my favorite things :)
Pretty!
Size difference. Story of my life.
The Los Angeles Convention Center in all it's glory at 5:45am (2.15.13)
"Are you ready for the Zumbatomic??"
The class was huge.
Training manual.
My badge and lanyard. :)
I'm licensed for Zumbatomic! Yay!! (2.15.13)
Staples Center
My hotel, the JW Marriott (the shorter building on the right of the tower)
Zumba people walking back to the hotel on 2.15.13
The Kick-Off Session on 2.16.13. Too bright of lights for so early in the morning.
High on energy shots
Hot!
The Brazilian teachers Priscila, Ludmilla and Karla (in blue & yellow) photobomb by girl in orange shirt lol.
The theme party/concert 2.16.13 (night)
MARA!!!!!!!
A plane I saw flying into LAX as we left on 2.17.13
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Oakland, CA
Killing time....
...in the Oakland airport. I got a Special K bar and Coke Zero for dinner, but then I was still hungry so I got oatmeal from Starbucks for 190 calories. So, overall, not too terrible. 360 total. I'm fine with that. There's a little girl next to me eating pizza. Oh man. I want pizza sooooooo bad. I haven't had pizza since October 27, 2012. I've decided I can have pizza twice per year. So April 27, 2013 it is.
I cannot wait to arrive in LAX. I really hope I see some giant airplanes. I will be so excited.
I am excited and nervous (or "nerve-cited") about the Zumba conference. I really just have no idea what I'm going to experience there.
OHMYGOD THERE IS A LADY SITTING BY ME AND SHE IS EATING MENTOS AND SHE WILL NOT STOP SMACKING HER LIPS AND IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM AND HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH HER STUPID TOTE BAG!
Boarding! Bye!
...in the Oakland airport. I got a Special K bar and Coke Zero for dinner, but then I was still hungry so I got oatmeal from Starbucks for 190 calories. So, overall, not too terrible. 360 total. I'm fine with that. There's a little girl next to me eating pizza. Oh man. I want pizza sooooooo bad. I haven't had pizza since October 27, 2012. I've decided I can have pizza twice per year. So April 27, 2013 it is.
I cannot wait to arrive in LAX. I really hope I see some giant airplanes. I will be so excited.
I am excited and nervous (or "nerve-cited") about the Zumba conference. I really just have no idea what I'm going to experience there.
OHMYGOD THERE IS A LADY SITTING BY ME AND SHE IS EATING MENTOS AND SHE WILL NOT STOP SMACKING HER LIPS AND IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO SCREAM AND HIT HER IN THE HEAD WITH HER STUPID TOTE BAG!
Boarding! Bye!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Los Angeles Bound
Peace'n Out.
For four days.
I'm headed to LA tomorrow for the Zumba conference. I am sooooooo excited. And nervous. My friend, who also has eating issues is going to be there too, and we plan to spend lots of time together (read: food time.) We put together a shopping list for me to buy before I leave, and pack. Here is a picture of the list. Anorexics for sure!!
I know, I know, it's 3 full days of Zumba. I'll burn a zillion calories (I hope.) Maybe I'll come home even thinner! Ooh what a tantalizing thought. Anyway, in preparation, today has been a "cheat day" and I haven't exercised at all except for my little ab workout I do every morning. My body is so freakin' tired, honestly. My bones ache. My muscles ache. I have 3 straight days of Zumba coming up, I can't afford to hurt anymore. My eating disorder is freaking out over that but she can just shut the f*ck up right now because I care way too much about Zumba. At least for today. So there.
I have to bring my NYE dress for a formal party, which I'm nervous about. What if it doesn't fit me anymore?? Corky told me last night I am smaller now than I was on NYE, but.... I can't figure out how to make myself believe him!
This is a picture of my breakfast today. Coffee, 2 rice cakes with 2 tbsp reduced-sugar jelly, 2 phenylalanine pills and 1 N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine pill. Yum, right??
My bestie G sent me a package from Canada. She recently went to Hawaii and got me a lot of cool stuff. I am currently drinking (fat free) cocoa out of the mug! I am also currently wearing the bracelet she got me. I LOVE MY BESTIE!!!!!
Here's a pic of me from Superbowl Sunday (February 2, 2013) I was sooooo convinced I was giant this day. In fact, I still think I look a little fat. Oh well, what can ya do!
This picture.... I died laughing.
Psychologist Bug: "and how does that make you feel?"
For four days.
I'm headed to LA tomorrow for the Zumba conference. I am sooooooo excited. And nervous. My friend, who also has eating issues is going to be there too, and we plan to spend lots of time together (read: food time.) We put together a shopping list for me to buy before I leave, and pack. Here is a picture of the list. Anorexics for sure!!
I know, I know, it's 3 full days of Zumba. I'll burn a zillion calories (I hope.) Maybe I'll come home even thinner! Ooh what a tantalizing thought. Anyway, in preparation, today has been a "cheat day" and I haven't exercised at all except for my little ab workout I do every morning. My body is so freakin' tired, honestly. My bones ache. My muscles ache. I have 3 straight days of Zumba coming up, I can't afford to hurt anymore. My eating disorder is freaking out over that but she can just shut the f*ck up right now because I care way too much about Zumba. At least for today. So there.
I have to bring my NYE dress for a formal party, which I'm nervous about. What if it doesn't fit me anymore?? Corky told me last night I am smaller now than I was on NYE, but.... I can't figure out how to make myself believe him!
This is a picture of my breakfast today. Coffee, 2 rice cakes with 2 tbsp reduced-sugar jelly, 2 phenylalanine pills and 1 N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine pill. Yum, right??
My bestie G sent me a package from Canada. She recently went to Hawaii and got me a lot of cool stuff. I am currently drinking (fat free) cocoa out of the mug! I am also currently wearing the bracelet she got me. I LOVE MY BESTIE!!!!!
Here's a pic of me from Superbowl Sunday (February 2, 2013) I was sooooo convinced I was giant this day. In fact, I still think I look a little fat. Oh well, what can ya do!
This picture.... I died laughing.
Psychologist Bug: "and how does that make you feel?"
Monday, February 11, 2013
A Few Pics
Just a few... (no copyright intended on the pics that aren't mine, i.e. the owl, crows and the last one)
Last night, my going-to-bed drink (Miralax and diet cranberry juice.) Welcome to my anorexic life.
Bahahaha Abigail!! (Feb 11, 2013)
I love this owl!
And I love these crows!!
Okay.. so... I understand there's stupid people in the world. But this f*cker.... OH MY GOD!!! It makes me so mad. There are no words....
Last night, my going-to-bed drink (Miralax and diet cranberry juice.) Welcome to my anorexic life.
Bahahaha Abigail!! (Feb 11, 2013)
I love this owl!
And I love these crows!!
Okay.. so... I understand there's stupid people in the world. But this f*cker.... OH MY GOD!!! It makes me so mad. There are no words....
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