Famous Last Words

There aren't a whole lot of songs that get into my heart and make me feel strong.  Don't You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia is one that does.  Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance is another.  

Today was a tough day.  Actually, this has been a tough week.  This morning I was in full Kate-Punishment mode.  My friend A arrived at the gym about 15 minutes early for my class this morning and found me trying to kill the elliptical.  I mean, I was going hard.  I had my aviator headphones on and MCR blasting out loud enough that she could probably hear it from a few feet away.  She looked at me and waved tentatively.  I waved back and did not stop.

Sweat poured off me as I finally slowed down and stopped, with 5 minutes left until my class started.  I didn't say anything about it.  Neither did she.  I taught an hour and we left.  Then I went to and taught at another (90 minute) class.  It still isn't enough.  I don't have enough energy in my body to burn off all the calories I need to.  I don't deserve food.

On the way home from the gym, I was listening to MCR at an extremely loud decibel level.  I heard Famous Last Words.  The lyrics swelled up in my chest, making me feel like I was filled with electric fog.  

"I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING
I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE
HONEY IF YOU STAY, I'LL BE FORGIVEN
NOTHING YOU CAN SAY CAN STOP ME GOING HOME."

I don't know really what that means.  But the first 2 lines really get me.  I am NOT afraid to keep on living.  I've walked this world alone my whole life and I can keep going.  I am strong.  I can rely on me.  I have my own back and that's enough most of the time.  All my life I've been this way.  No one has ever really had my back but me.  Today, I am enough.  Me and my eating disorder.  Me, myself and I.  I'm okay.  I don't need anyone to help me, I don't need anyone to tell me how to live.  I know what is and is not my fault, what is and is not in my control.  I am strong.

Famous Last Words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9g8j561N5U
Don't You Worry Child: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9BtTrZdft8


Famous Last Words
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights that cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding?
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say...

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
Asleep...

'Cause I see you lying next to me
I see...
With words I thought I'd never speak
I'd never speak...
Awake and unafraid
And I see you lying next to me
Asleep or dead
I see you lying...

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Or dead...
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Or dead...

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Or dead...
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.