Dear Ed

The other day I wrote a letter to my eating disorder (also known as "Ed".  I know, not a very original name but... whatever!) and the words surprised me.  I feel like I've been going along saying, "I'm all better!" out loud ever since pregnancy but in my head I've been saying "I'm still sick!"  Those 2 statements ARE mutually exclusive.  If you're even still a little sick you cannot be "all better."  But the quantity of "sick" can change and means that improvements are possible.  It's not like pregnancy.  Either you're pregnant or you aren't.  You can't be "a little" pregnant!  

When you're heading out of "sick" and into "well" (the word recovery makes me cringe) there's a lot of gray area there.  You can say "I'm still a little sick" or you can say "I'm doing some better."  The second one sounds more positive, wouldn't you agree?

My Dear Ed letter (which I destroyed after writing, for fear that Corky would find it) started off something like this: "Dear Ed, please don't leave me."

.....................what?

"But Kate," you say, "I thought you didn't want to be sick anymore!"

I don't!

"I thought you wanted recovery!"

I do!

"So then why did you write that?"

I have no idea! It just came out!

So then I have to call into question that statement three lines above.  Do I really want recovery?

Here is the honest answer (and maybe you'll think this is my eating disorder talking but I'm not about to start arguing about THAT one): I do not want recovery if it means I will be fat.

I am SORRY!  That is the TRUTH!!!!!!  The raw and honest TRUTH!  Judge me all you like for saying it but that is my truth.  

My Dear Ed letter went on to say something like, "I know that you can't be out in the open like you used to but you don't have to leave.  I can hide you.  Corky and Mara can never see you but I can!  We'll just have to be sneaky."

Okay... so maybe that is a little worrisome.  But seriously... Ed is like my security blanket!  I don't know how to live without it and I don't always want to learn.

All of that being said, though, take a look at my actions.  I made it through 9 months of pregnancy, WITHOUT THE HELP OF A NUTRITIONIST!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did it all on my own.  I gave birth to a healthy, almost-9-pound baby.  Obviously I did something right.  Now that baby is almost 6 months old.  I've been nursing her for her entire life.  This baby is now over TWENTY POUNDS and is almost 2 and a half feet tall.  Go ahead and tell me I'm unable to do it.. I f*cking dare you! (not you guys, just, you know, hypothetically.) 

Obviously, despite my ambivalence on "recovery", I am doing something right.  But will I be able to sustain it after I'm done nursing, whenever that is?  Maybe not.  Do I want to?  Maybe not.  To be honest.

I saw some old pictures of myself recently, from before Ed, and UGH!!!!!!!!!! I was hideous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I never, ever, ever EVER want to look like that again!  That just reinforced in my mind that Ed did me a huge favor and I cannot afford to let it go.

Me posing with my mom's

Mother's Day gift

5.10.15