So how are you... really?

Today someone asked me, "So how are you.... really?"  I wasn't sure how to answer.  I hate this kind of question!  Well, I hate it from people that I don't know well.  If a family member or a close friend, who knows my situation, were to come up to me and ask me that I would answer them sincerely.  

"I'm stressed out.  I have terrible body image, I feel like I barely have a grip on reality sometimes, and I'm just so tired."

And by tired I mean total body, total mind tired.  I'm not sleepy tired, just worn out.  In need of a vacation!  Teaching Zumba this morning was awful!  I had too few people to create sufficient energy to pump me up just by them being there, but too many to make it feel small and friendly.  I didn't exactly have an overabundance of energy in the first place, and teaching this class was like pulling teeth.  

The sad reality is that my life is full of sad realities.  The sad reality of feeling guilty for eating cereal.  The sad reality of contorting my body in strange ways to step into the shower in order to keep from feeling my thighs touch.  The sad reality that my thighs DO touch sometimes!  The sad reality that I feel as though I'm getting fatter and grosser ever day and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.  

I just want to go back in time to 2006.  I miss it.  I miss being that low number, I miss it more than anything!!!  All the time I hear people say "I was so unhappy... yeah I had that number but I wasn't happy."  I don't remember it that way!  I remember crying sometimes at night because I was so hungry but I just couldn't eat.  I wasn't allowed.  That was so much easier because my "healthy brain" didn't have a fighting chance!  Now it does, and it creates this horrible war that never stops.  

"I want to eat that."  
"No, you can't."  
"But I'm hungry."  
"Too bad.  You're too fat to eat it."  
"Well, everyone says I'm not fat."  
"They're lying, you're a disgusting pig."  
"How can they be lying when I still wear all my same clothes?"
"If they're not lying, then they're just plain wrong."
"But I have to eat SOMETHING, or else I'll starve!"  
"Oh come on, you won't starve.  People in 3rd word countries go days without food."  
"Well.. I don't want my metabolism to stop."  
"That's a lie, it won't.  The people in 3rd world countries are skinny, aren't they?"  
"Well.. I'm going to eat it anyway."

So then I do...  but I pay dearly for it.

"Why did you do that??  You stupid piece of lard!  Didn't you listen to a thing I just said?  Now you're going to get FAT and you deserve that pain, you dumb bitch.  Fat pig.  Ugly cow.  You're disgusting.  You're worthless!  You deserve nothing but awful, horrible, never-ending pain!..."

And so on.  Forever!!!!

This is why I'm so effing tired.  Because I have to deal with that crap constantly while trying to plan a wedding which includes: making masks, building centerpieces, arranging expenses, planning for the honeymoon (read: lose weight for the honeymoon), keep track of late RSVPs and guest lists, make sure I fit into my damn dress next Friday, sort out bridesmaid gifts, wedding favors, tie up loose ends with the DJ and photographer.... and anything else I can't remember!

I'm going to go make some green tea now.  I need a little Zen, I think.