Playing in the Laundry Basket (and a rant)

The title of this post promises Mara pictures.  They're coming.  But first.........

Okay.  So.  I feel so incredibly discombobulated that I can't even figure out how to start this blog post.  It feels funny to be writing it because I'm typing it on the actual computer!  Like, with all of my fingertips, not just my thumbs on my phone!  

The basic point, in case you don't read any further, is this: I am having trouble.

Not physical trouble... yet.  Well, maybe a little bit.  But not so much physically as mentally.  Like before, the struggle between wanting to restrict and drop weight and wanting to keep eating to keep my supply up is raging madly away inside my head.  Of course, there really is no choice.  I will eat and keep my supply up, so don't you worry.  But it's HARD!  I know I say this often but it really is.

Actually, this leads me to a thought I hadn't planned on blogging about, but I'm going to.

As you probably know, I have a YouTube channel.  There is a tab at the top of the blog where you can find it and view my videos.  I have hundreds up.  One of my latest videos, which I made back in January, was called "Anorexia and Breastfeeding".  (Click HERE to watch Anorexia and Breastfeeding).  Recently I noticed I had received a few comments on it that I hadn't read.  I read them and was very shocked.

I had 2 comments that, essentially, were telling me that I am doing Mara a great disservice by having an eating disorder and that my eating habits are "unhealthy" and that said eating habits are going to rub off on her.  You can read the comments for yourself.  But I was really surprised.

First of all, on the great disservice I'm doing my daughter by having an eating disorder:  DUH!!!!!!! I'm not doing myself any favors with it either! But it's not like I wake up every morning thinking, "oh I think I'll keep my eating disorder around today and f*ck everybody else who is affected by it."  

Second of all, did they even WATCH the rest of the video?  Without watching it back, I can't imagine that I would have gone on to say, "I'm not eating and restricting like crazy and working out like a crazy person...." because simply I am not doing that!  I do eat!  I eat plenty!  Judging by the fact that Mara has been above the 90th percentile for weight and off the charts for height her entire life, I must be eating enough nutrients to make my breast milk pretty damn high octane.  Yes I work out.  I am a fitness instructor!  I work out for my job!  (Although as of late I've been adding more and more workouts but that's another story for another post.)

Furthermore, I eat in front of my daughter.  Every single day.  Many times per day.  I understand fully that this little person spends 95% of her day with me and is looking to me for examples of how to maneuver in this world.  If I don't teach her to eat, to physically pick up food and put it in her mouth, who will?  She is watching me all the time!  She mimics me in almost everything I do.  She knows how to swipe through my pictures on my phone, for heaven's sake!  Seven. Months. Old.  I set good examples for my girl.  I eat healthy food, drink lots of water, wash my hands, and so on.  I don't know where people are getting the idea that my bad eating habits will rub off on Mara because she isn't seeing any bad eating habits.

I was surprised by the comments.  Most of the comments I get are so supportive but I didn't feel that way about these.  Kind of sucked.  Oh well, what can ya do!

Anyway, sorry for all that rambling.  I didn't intend to go that direction with this post but.... there you go.  Here are the pictures I promised at the beginning.

with instagram filter

funny girl!

lookin' like her daddy!