Worn Out

This might be kind of a rambling, directionless post.  Let's just see where this goes, shall we?

I am feeling super worn out.  Mentally and physically.  The feeling physically worn out part might have something to do with my hideous blood work results from January 3rd.  I will list the usual suspects below for anyone who cares to know:

CBC

WBC 5.3 (3.5-11.0)
RBC  3.86 (3.80-5.20)
HGB  12.2 (11.7-15.7)
HCT  36.2 (34.9-46.9)
MCV  93.8 (80-100) (size of red blood cells - they are big!)
PLT  339 (140-444) (at least this number looks good eh?)

CMP

Chloride  107 (99-110) (high.. not sure what that means)
CO2  31 (20-31) (high.. not sure what that means either)
Total Protein  6.2 (6.1-8.0) (low.. surprise!)
(all others were fine in this category)

General Chemistry

Ferritin 6 (10-290) (low, flagged by lab. Down from 73 in November)
Magnesium  1.8 (1.7-2.5)
Phosphorus  2.7 (2.3-4.7) (down from 3.8 in November.)

So... that ferritin number looks pretty shitty.  My actual iron number is fine (it's at 73 with a range of 50-100) so that's good..  but a ferritin level like that just means I have no reserves.  My CBC just generally looked worse than ever before.  Not anemic by the lab's standards but their standards are geared for emergency medicine, not optimal ranges.  But if my ferritin goes any lower I won't have any at all!

I'm also just mentally tired.  I think I work too much LOL.  Between Zumba, nannying and running errands for my boss (yes I get paid for that), I'm a pretty busy person.  Try doing all this stuff and having your brain be a million miles away, fighting a raging eating disorder.  My head is not a fun place to be.

But.... life doesn't stop for bad labwork.  Life doesn't stop for eating disorders.  Life doesn't stop for anything at all except your own death.  Which is not where I'm looking to go!!!  It just gets very difficult to pick apart whose "voice" is whose up there.  Why am I doing this?  Am I doing this for ME or for my eating disorder?  How can I figure this out?  What should I do?  Questions questions questions!!!

Two weeks from today I'll be in L.A. at the 2014 Zumba Conference. :)  I'm excited..ish.  I hope I can stay awake through my sessions LOL!!!!!!  I can't wait to get a Conference T shirt like I got last year.  I wonder if Mara (the Zumba singer) will be there!!! I can't wait to see my friend C from Curacao.. she'll be there.  I wonder if I'll get to meet Beto again!  Will they have a fitness concert like last year?  I'm sure they will.  I wish they had a Bollywood/Bhangra workshop like before, but the lady who ran it quit.  Bummer!  I loved that one the most.  I also wonder if there'll be a theme party.  Last year, Alena and I were so tired we could barely stand up by that time.  Hahaha I remember us crawling up the stairs in the JW Marriott.. good times!  We also crawled down the hallway to the vending machine for Coke Zero at 11:30 at night.  And we made oatmeal out of the hot water from the coffee machine in the room because we didn't have a teapot or microwave.  Oh funny memories.  Can't wait to make more funny memories this year!  So many people wearing neon green and pink I think you could probably spot the L.A. Convention Center from space! :)

You know what I find daunting?  An empty notebook!  I always leave the first page blank in my notebooks because if someone opens the cover they won't automatically see all my personal writing.  I even do that with notebooks I use for school.  Habit, I guess.  I have one of those black and white composition books sitting on the table by me.  It's empty except for one word written in blue sharpie on the 2nd page: "STRONG."  I am going to write one word in it in a different color sharpie every day.  Just a word that means something.  It could be anything!  I wonder what I'll put today.

I'm bored.  It's 4:50pm.  Corky is not off until 7.  I kind of want to go for a walk but.... I'm exhausted and not feeling well.  I can't sleep during the day though.  That feels like weakness to me.

no makeup.. eek!