Well hello again. Been a while since I wrote a post on an actual computer with real fonts and colors and everything! ***Trigger warning*** Just so you know.
I feel so incredibly fat. I'm sorry, whoever said "fat is not a feeling" is incorrect. Everything just feels and looks big to me. I don't understand! Other people can eat a burger and fries once in a while and ice cream sometimes and chocolate now and again and not really gain weight. I really NEVER eat those things and yet I perceive I'm gaining weight. My idea of dessert is a bowl of bran flakes with a banana! The "worst" thing I ever eat is peanut butter! In terms of calories anyway. Sometimes I eat some of Corky's cereal (usually sugary) but not much, and I eat it in a small glass instead of a bowl. I drink only non fat milk and eat non fat yogurt. What the hell, man??
The trouble is I don't know what's in my head and what's real. This whole being super hungry from breastfeeding thing is really messing with my mind. I'm hungry almost ALL the time! It's AWFUL!!!! I tried cutting out grains from my diet but that didn't work because I need the energy that they give. I've been going to the gym 4+ times per week but I don't feel like I'm seeing the results I hoped for. This really terrifies me.
My stomach looks huge. There's still a lump left over. It seems like my uterus is still sticking out a bit. It's weird. I don't like it.
I'm sorry.... I really don't mean for this post to be so complain-y... I'm just really having a hard time!
On the plus side, Mara is doing great! She's over 12 pounds now and about 23 inches long. She has a voracious appetite (and I have a voracious appetite making milk to feed her voracious appetite! lol) and sleeps great. Last night she slept 6 and a half hours at a time! Freaked me out, but she was fine. Just sleepy.
Speaking of sleepy, my eyes are having trouble staying open.
Good night!!! xoxo
I always think, for me at least, 'fat' is definitely a feeling. I realized that I use it as a synonym for a variety of negative emotions - depression, anger, frustration, grief, guilt - which usually mess with my perception anyway. On top of that, your body's been through so many changes recently, maybe once things settle a bit your perception might be more accurate.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad little Mara is doing well :) Complain all you need, and don't apologize for it. It's your blog and it's here for you to vent!
Take care <3
xxxx