Real Nightmare

Good Morning.

I don't think I've ever in my whole life been so happy to say those words.  Good morning.  It means the night is over now. I'm happy about that because I've been having nightmares.  Let's see what dictionary.com has to say about nightmares...

nightmare
noun
1. a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.
2. a condition, thought, or experience suggestive of a nightmare: the nightmare of his years in prison.
3. (formerly) a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.

Personally, I think it should talk a little more about how the definition of nightmare varies from person to person.  For example, for a while now (about 6 months to a year) I've been having plane crash dreams.  It's always a different dream.  Sometimes I'm on the plane in question, sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes someone I love is on the plane.  Plane crashes are scary and sad.  But I never really feel that way in the dream.  So to me that dream is not a nightmare, not typically.  I can remember one plane crash dream where I felt the most overwhelming grief I've ever felt in my life.  But that's atypical for my plane crash dreams.

But to someone who has experienced a plane crash or lost a loved one in a plane crash, that dream would take on totally different meanings and significance.  Probably for them it would be a nightmare.

The dream I had last night was a nightmare for sure!  But to most people, it wouldn't be that bad.  I dreamed I ate ice cream.  Like, a lot of ice cream.  In the dream I was hysterical, bawling over what I had just done.  Pleading with my parents (for whatever reason) to undo it, make it go away.  I have never been so glad to wake up in all my life.  When I woke up, I said out loud to myself, "it was a dream.  It's okay.  You didn't eat the ice cream."

But I think that dream touched a nerve.  I am terrified by the idea of my anorexia turning into bulimia or binge eating.  It hasn't happened to me... but I know that it has happened to some.  And I do not want that to be me.

What I need to do to remedy the fear is to crack down.  I need to get control back.  I have control.  I am the smart being here.  My eating disorder does not have a brain of it's own.  It has a brain, yeah... mine!  Which I  am in control of!!!!

My therapist was also in that nightmare.  Weird.

By the way, for any of you reading this who like horror movies, I recommend the movie "Mama."  Creepy!