Dispossessed

That Wasn't Me.

Well!  I just re-read last night's post.  You know what that was a perfect example of?  Possession.  

Not demonic possession, although I guess you could argue that it was.  An eating disorder is kind of a demon, right?  A metaphorical demon.

Anyway, that kind of thing happens to me all the time.  It happens often when I journal, even more often (all the time) in my head, and occasionally it pops out.  Sometimes it'll pop out aloud.  For example, one time I was at treatment and was having a meeting with my fiance and my therapist.  Someone said something about french fries and I just blurted, "I hate french fries!"  

Then I stopped.

And thought.

And I said, "No actually I like them."  Because I do like them!  But they scare me to death!  My eating disorder hates them.  They are bad for you... they are evil.... so that part of my brain just took over momentarily and those words popped out.  It was so odd.

It's rather like a tumor.  I've never had a brain tumor, thank goodness, so I don't really know what I'm saying here.  But to me it seems like having a tumor.  It's like a part of you (cells) that are already in your body (we all have some cancer cells) and they grow or get out of control (form a tumor) that hurts you and can kill you.  It's like that only different.  I have this brain, right?  It was already in there when I was born.  Then this part of it (the self-critical part) grew a bit, and then got a bit out of control and turned into a "tumor" (eating disorder) that can hurt me and maybe kill me.  It's not cancer but it kind of behaves similarly.

Not that I'm trivializing cancer - oh my god NO.  I have known people who have died of the disease and it is terrible.  So please don't take that the wrong way.  Both are bad.

And although I feel some better this morning, that vise-like grip is still on my brain and I really don't want to eat today.