Fail

WHALE!
***Trigger Warning!!!!!!!!***

I am a total whale.  I hate myself.  I fucking hate myself.  Tomorrow I cannot eat.  At all.  All day.  Not one bite.  I can have coffee, fat free hot cocoa (once. It's 20 calories), tea, diet soda, and diet cranberry juice (5 calories.)  THAT IS ALL!!!!!

Even though I did chew and spit yesterday AND today.... I still ate.  A lot.  So much.  It was horrible.  I cannot let myself lose control like that ever ever ever ever again.  My mouth is all cut up and sore from chewing and spitting crackers that are salty and pointy.  Good.  I should do it more, the pain in my mouth reminds me not to EAT.  

I am stronger than this.  What is wrong with me?!  

Okay, now that that is out...

I went to my therapist's group tonight.  It was awkward as fuck because I knew 2 of the people in there.  One was a lady I met in treatment in the summer of 2010.  She recognized me right away.  The other was a girl who was in DBT with me in fall of 2008.  All I could do was pray she wouldn't recognize/remember me because that particular group experience ended very badly for me.  At the end of the group she said to me, "did you used to go to DBT...?" and I was like, "....yeah."  Fuck.  So she remembers me as an incredibly hot tempered, spikey bitch.  Well... that's about accurate.  Too bad, I was kind of hoping to start fresh in this group.  Unfortunately that was not in the cards for me.

I don't know what to do because I can't imagine myself every really saying anything in that setting.  I was sooooooo quiet tonight.  Which is not exactly atypical of me; I'm often quiet in groups.  Mostly for fear of opening my mouth because half the time I don't even know what's going to come out!  Better safe than sorry!  And the lady I met in 2010 will remember me in a similar light.  Great.... 

I think it's a waste of time and money, but I can't very well say that after one day, can I?  I need to go get my sketch pad out and drag something out of my brain and onto the paper, because I'm sure my therapist will want to see something profound when I see her tomorrow.  

Good night. XO