Happy incipient diet-ad day! Seriously... I freaking hate this time of year. I love fall, I love winter, but I hate January 1st through January 14th or so.
Anyway! As you may or may not be aware, anorexia is a lifestyle. Honestly. For someone entrenched, or at least as entrenched as I am, it is a lifestyle. It influences every decision you make. Every thought you think. Everything you see and do is stitched with anorexia. It never leaves your mind. Never ever ever.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing for the last minutes of 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011.
2004- In Disneyland with my parents and my sister.
2005- In Hawaii, on the balcony watching fireworks with my best friend who I had just met 2 days before.
2006- In Hawaii again, at the Cheesecake Factory, picking at salad, with my same best friend and her family.
2007- At a party in Sunriver, Oregon, hating my (significantly heavier) body after just coming out of the worst treatment session of my life.
2008- In Las Vegas, sitting on the floor of my hotel room eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
2009- In Las Vegas, kissing my (then) boyfriend (now fiance) who had flown in to surprise me.
2010- In Hawaii with the (now) fiance, watching fireworks at our resort.
2011- In San Francisco, standing at the window of the hotel room, watching fireworks over the bay.
At the end of every one of those years except 2004, I was hating my body. This year is no different. I have accomplished a lot of things in 2012. Made a lot of good friends. Lost a few friends. Gained some new family. Lost some family. Tried new things. Went new places. Got better. Got sicker. Over all it was a good year.
There's an hour and 31 minutes left of 2012 and what am I thinking about?
My accomplishments? No.
My goals? No.
Fond memories? No.
What am I thinking about? I'm thinking about how fat my thighs are and how I can get rid of my love handles that I hate so much and what angle is most flattering for a picture.
Speaking of pictures.... this is another thing that happens when a person has anorexia. They become obsessed with pictures. You see, pictures have the ability to make me look fat. But they also have the ability to make me look thin. So I take tons of pictures. And this is one way I can tell that I've gotten a bit sicker: before, I would discard half the pictures I took because I looked fat. Now I only discard 3 or 4 out of every 20. Because maybe I really AM that thin.
Happy end of 2012 everyone. I hope 2013 treats you well.
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