Hiatus

Grief

...is apparently something I suck at.

So, after a disturbed 22-year-old opened fire at the Clackamas Town Center in my city, killing 2 innocent people and injuring a third before killing himself, things got very strange very fast.  

On Thursday I found out via facebook that my cousin died.  She was only 33.  The autopsy report is not in yet, although I would not be surprised if they find she died of a heart attack.  

Then Connecticut happened.  Honestly I don't even know what to say about that... I think that, whatever I was going to say, it's already been said.  It's a tragedy.  Let's just leave it at that.

I can't do anything about the Clackamas Town Center shooter.  I can't do anything about Sandy Hook Elementary.  But could I have done something about my cousin?  I don't know. Maybe so.

She told me some things, back in 2008, when I spent about 5 hours with her talking one night.  I don't know who, if anyone, else in the family knows how troubled she was.  Should I have tried harder to stay in contact with her?  Could I have helped her?  I'll never know.

All I know is that the entirety of my life's encounters with her made tons more sense after I talked to her.  All of a sudden she looked different to me.  I understood her better.  She understood me.  We were both black sheep.  I always felt out of place in that side of the family... but now that I understood Hillary, it wasn't so bad because I wasn't the only one.  

But now she's dead and I am the only one.

God, she didn't always make the right decisions.  God, she wasn't perfect.  But God, she did the best she could...

....and God, I'll miss her.

R.I.P Hillary
1979-2012