Rant

Thursday

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, trying to make a meal plan for the day.  So far I'm stuck with:

9:45am - coffee with 2 pkts stevia and 1/4 c. nonfat milk ---- 28 cal

And that's all.

The rest of my food for the day (at least until dinnertime) will consist of half a fat free yogurt (40 cal), one packet of fat free hot cocoa (20 cal), one cup of corn flakes (1oo cal) and 1/4 c nonfat milk (23 cal), and 3 oz. of baby carrots (35 cal).  That totals 246 calories by the time dinner comes around.  Which will be at about 8pm, because I have Zumba.  Which should burn off those 246 calories.

I'm dying.  Whatever.

So anyway, things are crumbling around me at an alarming rate.  My family is going down in flames, my job is picking up steam (which I actually like, but it's hard to reconcile that with the next thing..), my therapist/dietician are at odds with my Naturopath about whether or not I should even be doing Zumba at all, I think I'm addicted to laxatives, 26 innocent people died in CT, two innocent people died in the mall here, my good friend is in the hospital, and my cousin, the only one who understood me fully, is dead.  

There's a whole other part of this that I don't feel I can really bring up on the internet, but just know that it has to do with my family (i.e. parents and sister) and it's breaking my heart.  I mean really breaking it.  I am so, so tired.  Sometimes I don't want to keep fighting this fight.  I'm sick of fighting!  Why can't anything ever just be easy?  Why does everything have to be so hard?  I've been asking that since I was a little kid!

But.... I know I am strong.  Better me than someone else.  At least it's me.  I will have this eating disorder and all the other shit, if it means that someone else is spared.