*All the pictures that are inserted in this entry are inserted at the spot in the journal where they were drawn. :)
Mon, Oct 29, 2007
I hate Mondays. They suck. On the plus side, Dr. O(k) is really nice. She understands that the eating disorder isn't my fault. Oh, let's be retarded like P(k) and write down Monday goal setting categories!
Monday Goal Setting
-Health
-Education
-Nutrition
-Spiritual
-Relationships
-Financial
-Entertainment
-Creative
-Communication
-Recovery
I'm feeling very weak. And tired. I wonder what would happen if I passed out. Would anybody care at all?
I am not a weird freak like P(k) that needs to do Monday goal setting. Ugh! She just smacked! I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE FUCKING SMACK THEIR FUCKING LIPS ITS SO STUPID!
I really just want to go to sleep right now. I would give anything to be at home in my bed. I wish I lived in Russia.
Let's see... how many days in the 10 weeks of treatment. 10 weeks of 4 days a week is 40 days. So this is the beginning of my 5th week. So 5,6,7,8,9,10 is 6 weeks of 4 days makes 24 days left. I will do the countdown thing. Like I used to in high school.
OMG I'm soooooo tired!
Why does weird freak P(k) always have to chew gum? She looks retarded. Not to mention gum makes people smack.
I don't think I will finish this journal during treatment. I remember in high school it would take me like 2 weeks to finish a notebook this size. If I hope to finish this journal I better start writing in it a lot more often than I've been doing!
I (heart) autumn! But I (heart) winter even more, especially when it snows. But too bad that doesn't happen very often here in Oregon. It doesn't really snow, it just slushes mostly. :(
Oh dear me! L is reading her bible again.
Why do people have to keep asking me about my art? I'm sick of P(k) asking retarded questions like "who drew this?" and "is that a Griffin on that blue shield? Whose is that?" She's such an ugly weird freak.
Still Monday
Oh joy. R(k) is here. She's weird, like P(k). I wonder if this day will fly by. Doubtful!
R(k) spouts stuff about the meal plan just like Dr. O(k).
Wed, Oct 31, 2007
Happy Halloween! It's the day of haunting. I wonder if the clinic has any ghosts...? I don't feel like there's any here.
There is no way in hell I'm gonna be able to finish this notebook by the end of treatment. But I will try.
I feel quite depressed. I am so humongous and fat. I hate myself. I miss being skinny. God I'm so freaking tired! I want to go home and go to sleep! Bijou was cute this morning, she climbed up the ladder but she was afraid of it. LOL. She's so cute. I (heart) her. And Muma is cute when I turn the lights on. She always looks down.
I wonder if I have J(k) today...?
Gawd I'm soooooo sleepy! I don't now why I'm so tired, I get plenty of sleep. I think it doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I think it's just getting up early.
P(k) is a weird freak, like I've said 8,000 times before. She wears hiking boot shoes! And khakis every day. So lame. And she wears her glasses on a string around her neck. And she uses one of those tiny little binders as a journal. How retarded! And her hair is a huge mouse brown puffball.
Still Halloween
We are doing DBT. L(k) is here. She's so awesome.
I really feel like going swimming. I think today I will see if we can carve pumpkins and then go swimming. Maybe my mom will come with me...
Heehee, even though my mom looks so funny in the water. So does my dad.
I have J(k) at 11:00 but I believe she will come at 11:15. It is almost 11:00 now, so there is like 4 hours and 45 minutes or less left until we get to go home.
LOL L(k) can't spell. She just wrote "loosing" instead of "losing" and earlier she wrote "where" instead of "wear." Funny funny.
Thursday, Nov 1, 2007
I'm so miserable. I hate life so much right now. I just want to go to sleep. When I asleep I don't feel anything. Last night I dreamed about my birthmother. She didn't want to talk to me. Kind of like in reality. Huh. Oh well.
Today's agenda goes like this:
-vitals
-breakfast
-journal
-check-in group
-art therapy
-milieu
-lunch
-multimedia
-bodyworks
-snack
-milieu
-dinner outing
Apparently we are going to McMenamins for the dinner outing tonight. I wishI would see a ghost.
I need to go home and go swimming. Soooo badly! I hate this place, I hate coming here every day. I'm only halfway done with this terrible ordeal! I don't think I'm going to make it through. I want to go home.
I have family therapy today at 2 with L(k). I hope it will be better than with G(k). G(k) told us he has a twin brother.
I'm so depressed my hand can barely clutch the pen. I just want to go to sleep. I can't even move. I think I'm literally dying of depression.
God P(k) is so fucking ugly! She is wearing the same pants, socks and shoes as yesterday. That's so retarded. And a lime green sweater. Hideous!
I want to go back to the hospital.
Friday, Nov 2, 2007
Apparently we are going to construct a giant cardboard castle in the place. That should be interesting.
OMG P(k) just started singing "Venus... Goddess of Looooooove" in this terrible voice. That was so frightening, I may never recover.
I can't remember what I dreamed about last night.
People are freakily excited about this stupid castle. It's really not that big of a deal.
Why am I so flippin' tired?! I'm practically falling asleep here! It's ridiculous, it's not like I'm only getting 2 or 3 hours of sleep per night. I have no idea why I'm so tired.
I must go swimming again tonight. I must go every day in addition to seeing F, if that even happens!
My eyebrow stubble is getting quite prickly. OMG it was sooooo hilarious the other day. M and I were making fun of K and D and we were talking about how hairy K is and M made up the funniest nickname, which I can't write here. It was soooo funny. I was cracking up.
Sheesh my eyes really don't want to stay open! I wish I was at home so I could go to sleep.
Why does this stupid place have to start so early?! I don't want to close my eyes cuz I know I'll fall asleep and I hate doing that here. Cuz then I have to wake up and I'm all groggy.
I sensed a lot of anger in these entries. Saying the word "retarded" a lot. That's not how I typically was (or am.) If I was calling someone that repeatedly I must have been very, VERY upset with that person. I'm not sure why I target P(k) so much. She was a really odd person but not deserving of being called "a weird freak" or "retarded."
I was so, so mad. Nobody was listening to me and I was stuck. To this day I hate feeling stuck.
Oftentimes I am really shocked at what happened in Kartini clinic. It doesn't seem right. It wasn't right! I call it being "food-raped." I don't toss around that R-word for sure! I've also noticed that when I get on tough topics I'm quick to jump to a safe one, like saying "I miss Bijou" or "I'm so tired." I really was tired and I really did miss Bijou but I think I also didn't want to touch those difficult topics. It's really interesting for me to read this. Breaks my heart too, though.
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