Please see part 1 for disclaimer and description.
One thing I should mention... at the time this journal was written I was dating mostly girls. So... that's that! Lol. Now I'm engaged and YES Corky is a MAN! Anyway, just wanted to clear that up for ya.
Here we go! Hold on tight.
Mon, Nov 19, 2007
Ok. S now begins week #8. Only 3 weeks until my supposed discharge date. But apparently they want me to stay longer than ten weeks. Which I really don't want to do. But, like I suspected, they won't let me do the outpatient program unless I stay in IOP [intensive outpatient] as long as they want me to. What a crock of shit. I just want to get out of here. So badly. The time cannot go by fast enough. I'm sick of everything. Sick of checking in, sick of the meal plan, sick of food journals, sick of gaining weight. Sick, sick SICK OF IT!
Last night I dreamed about St. V's and C.H. I miss her. I wish I had dated her in HS. Damn she was beautiful.
I really don't want to stay in IOP past 10 weeks. I really don't. It's not fair. I've tried so hard to do what they want. I really have. This really sucks.
This morning, P(k) was going on about how silk is good if you have a sore throat. I was thinking, "riiiiiiight!" I really don't think your throat cares about what is wrapped around your neck. I mean REALLY. That's just a little bit ridiculous.
I ran into L on Saturday. She looks terrible! Her face is drawn and her eyes are sunken and her skin is very gray. It was actually quite triggering, but I will lie and tell J(k) that it wasn't. I really must fake it like mad this week so they won't make me stay past ten weeks. But nobody can find out that I'm faking it, or else they will most definitely make me stay here. K would have graduated before me!
God, I'm so sick of this place. I never ever want to come back this place. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of everything. I just want to go home to Bijou. I love her.
K is so lucky she gets to go home for the whole rest of the week when the rest of us have to be here Wednesday and Friday. Grrrr!
So yeah, I ran into L on Saturday and then yesterday I ran into H from St. V's! I was like GEEZ! What is going on here?!
Wed, Nov 21, 2007
Why does time have to go by so slow? I can't stand treatment anymore. I need it to be over already. I'm so tired I really want to go to sleep. There is no way in hell I'm staying past ten weeks. No. Way. In. Hell. There is nothing they can say that will persuade me to stay.
Oh my god I'm so freakin' tired! I feel like I'm gonna pass out.
P(k) IS SO ANNOYING AND WEIRD! I CAN'T STAND HER! SHE IS SUCH A WEIRD FREAK!!!!!
Good night.
Friday, Nov 23, 2007
I really wish we could go to England for Christmas.
Ohmygod P(k) is so dumb! She took out the flip-flop lights that J(k) brought ages ago and she goes "are these LIGHTS??" Uh, duh P(k)! Where have you been? I hate how she talks. She totally over-enunciates everything, especially her S's. At least she's not pressuring me about my damn altered book anymore. Cuz I finally finished the stupid thing!
I have family therapy today. I wonder if my sister will be there. In a way I hope she is and in a way I hope she's not.
I seriously cannot fucking wait to get out of this treatment program. I'll show them they didn't fix me after all! Ha.
Ugh I hate finding Bettina's fur all over everything. It's so irritating.
I was supposed to see L yesterday but she slept till like 2pm, so we couldn't hang out cuz B & J were coming over at 3:30.
Thanksgiving dinner was pretty good.
Why is P(k) asking how we get here? Why the hell does it matter? And also why is it any of her damn business? Why can't she just shut up and leave us alone? She is coming back at 11:30 to do some kind of project with us. Thank goodness I have individual therapy at 12 so I don't have to stay and be with her. She's such a weird freak!
Mon, Nov 26, 2007
I broke up with M yesterday. Hmm...
Oh god. Weird freak P(k) is going on about Monday goals again. I hate her. I hate this place. I'm so sick of coming here. I never want to come back to this horrible place ever again!
My eyes sting.
Thurs, Nov 29, 2007
L gave me a bible today. I suppose I will try to read it. I told her I want to be half Jewish, half Christian. Why can't I be both?
I feel like I'm getting my period. Ew. I hate that.
What am I doing? I don't want to be a religious freak! I could never do that.
I just can't wait to get skinny again. I swear, the day I get out of this hellish place I will go back to being thin! So let's see, if I get out on the 21st.. today is the 29th... 22 days. It seems so far away. I wish it would just hurry up and be over already. I've been here so flippin' long! This is my 9th week. It feels like years. Like an eternity. I just want OUT right this second! That's all. I don't want to ever come back to this awful place. I hate it here. I hate everything about being here. I just wanted to be skinny. Why was that too much to ask for? I don't ask for much from people. I just wanted to be thin.
Still Thursday
Please god give me the strength to make it until December 21. It seems so far away. It feels like it will never get here. Ew! K farted again! Gross!
Time for relaxation. Yay!
K said today that when she was in the hospital the first time, her heart stopped. I wonder if that's true.
Gosh it feels like I will never get out of this place! L is so lucky. Monday is her last day. It just feels like time is going by so slowly. Only 22 more days though. And tomorrow it will be 21. Then 20. I cna make it for 22 more days, surely. It's not that long, not really.
Tonight is our dinner outing. We are going to the Spaghetti Factory. I do not actually care for that place too much. Oh well. At least it's better than just staying here. I'm sick of this place.
I wonder if I'll ever finish this journal. I have a bad habit of starting one and never finishing it. Except when I was in high school. Then I would go through like one journal per week!
K is doing chemistry homework. Actually I guess she's studying for a final. It is 3:00. Almost time for snack. I hate snack. I just want to go home already. I don't want to go to the Spaghetti Factory. I just want to go home. M will be mad if I don't come over tonight.
It was soooooo lame earlier, K was dancing and A(k) told her to sit down. It was totally lame!
ANYWAY I just can't wait for the 21st. I wish it would hurry the heck up!
Friday, Nov 30, 2007
Tonight I'm hanging out with L. I'm so irritated. K keeps smacking. I don't understand why I had to hate that sound. I wish I didn't care.
I'm so fat it's disgusting. I want to be skinny more than anything in the world. I would do anything to just be skinny again. It's not fair, God. Why can't I be naturally thin? I really do try to be a good person. I just want to be skinny.
It is supposed to snow tomorrow. I hope it does. It slushed the other day and there are parts of Skyline Rd that have snow on them. I can't wait to be out of Kartini and go to Sunriver! I can't wait to go snowboarding and burn a ton of calories doing it!
I wish I had faked it earlier, like L, so I could get out of here on the 10th instead of the 21st.
I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep. I don't want to go see F. I don't want to go to church with L. I just want to go back to bed! But I can't do that so I have to try to keep going. The days drag slowly by and here I sit again, on this same couch, in this same room with these same people. I swear, I will never forget this room as long as I live.
My eyes don't seem to want to stay open. They keep trying to shut. I'm so sleepy. But today is mostly a relaxation day so I'll get to sleep a little while probably. We usually sleep during B(k)'s group, then again we sleep after ward. And then for about 5 minutes in J(k)'s group.
WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO KEEP SMACKING THEIR FUCKING LIPS?!?! IT'S SO FREAKIN' IRRITATING!
Why did I have to hate a sound that people make so often? Why couldn't it be like nails on a chalkboard that only could happen purposefully? It's not like someone goes "oops, I accidentally clawed that chalkboard really hard!" Never.
Today, weird freak P(k) is wearing her Columbia hiking boot shoes, 2 pairs of socks, one blue, one purple and LEGGINGS under her jeans. Ew.
Still Friday
We're having this big long discussion about howe we don't like B(k) doing check-in group on Wednesdays. We told Dr. O(k) at lunch. She was quite receptive. But I imitated B(k) laughing and got in trouble.
We all slept during one group today.
I wish this journal would hurry up and be done. I don't really like it much.
Ugh! People with leaf blowers are so annoying!
The thing that strikes me here is that my feelings of "I hate this" "Let me out" were SO persistent and nobody listened, nobody cared. It kills me that I was screaming for help and nobody would help me. These people were putting TONS of weight on me at an alarming rate and my parents just forced me to stay. It really, honestly was beyond horrible. I was so depressed for ages after this. Our trip to Sunriver was horrible because Kartini put me on Wellbutrin, which turned me into the bitch from hell, and refused to take me off it!!!! That was what ended up being the last straw for my parents and they finally took me out of there. But it was too late, the damage had been done.
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