There is absolutely no reason on God's green Earth for me to weigh this much. There is no reason for it at all. It is inexcusable, unnecessary and it is definitely NOT okay with me.
Obviously I got on the scale this morning. I do it every Friday because I need to make sure I stay close to the weight I was when I got fitted for my wedding dress. I've been recording it every week and I am beyond horrified to see that the trend is going UP!
THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME!!!!!
All I can come up with is that it must be muscle. I don't care what it is, I just want it down. It's all I want. Every wish on a star, dandelion, candle, penny in a fountain, everything for the past several years has been "I wish to lose weight." Especially lately. Summer is coming and I hate my body. Let me tell you, as a person with an eating disorder there is almost no worse place to be. It's the most horrible feeling. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.
At this rate, my wedding dress won't fit at all!
You know what I think it is? I haven't been doing as much Zumba, instead I've been bike riding, running, doing some Cross-Fit-Like stuff. I used to go to Zumba 6-7x per week (or more.) Now I haven't gone since Tuesday when I taught last! I'm so over Zumba right now but apparently that's the only thing that was keeping my weight in check!
Fuck this. I am so unhappy. I never want to eat again. Why can't all our vitamins and nutrients come in a little pill, then we take the pill and we're done with it. No temptation, no decisions, just one little pill and we're good. Imagine how much more time we'd have in the day if we didn't have to eat! Wouldn't that be great?
People say things like, "that number doesn't define you!" Well, no... but it does define your weight! And when your weight is the most important thing, it can define how your day goes, or even your week! "Don't let it hold power over you! I don't let my weight hold power over ME," They say. To me, that's code for, "I'm fat and too lazy to do anything about it so I just try to empower myself so I can get through the day without being suicidal." Not interested in that, thanks.
Today is going to be a total "purge" (sorry.. couldn't get a better word) of my kitchen. Anything fatty, anything heavy.. into the trash it goes. Fat free everything from today until forever. I just have to. It's the only option!
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