7.
Wow. A week! I can hardly believe I'm writing these words. But at the same time it feels like I've been waiting forever!
To be honest, when I was a kid, I never thought about marriage. I definitely wasn't one of those girls who would lie in bed at night imagining my wedding day. I would lie in bed at night making up stories in my head in which I was someone else, somewhere else, doing something else. Marriage and life afterwards wasn't even a thought in my brain, much less a prominent one.
When I was about 14 or 15 I swore to my dad one day that I was going to get married in jeans someday. I hated wearing dresses! I don't know what that was about, but as a young child, preteen and even teenager (to an extent) I was very uncomfortable with myself in all aspects. If I wore a dress I thought everyone was staring at me and thought I looked weird. I was convinced that I must look weak, feminine and wispy in a dress. That wasn't good. I needed to be strong and invincible! Which is hilarious to think because I was a shrimpy kid and looked anything but invincible.
But I have to say.... something grew out of that. Some kind of strength. Not sure where it came from, except maybe to think that it came from years of being told, "You're wrong. You're bad. You're the problem." And knowing that nobody truly had my back but me. Not my parents. Not my sister. Not my friends. Just me. I would play alone in my room for hours, making up alternate worlds for myself to exist in for a time. A thing I still do to this day.
So no.. I never thought about marriage at all until I was a teenager, at least 14 or 15 when I made that declaration to my dad. Fortunately I've come a long way since then. Corky is very lenient about a lot of things but I think even he might have something to say about that. Thankfully I overcame my abhorrence of dresses. I actually didn't think too much about marriage until Corky proposed! I've had 18 months to decide a lot of things.
The best thing I've decided? That I'm going to be okay.
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