Mara is a pretty amazing kid. She definitely knows who her parents are and will cry if anyone else holds her except my mom and sometimes my dad. She hates when I leave her in the evening when I go teach Zumba or Aqua Fit. She'll cry and scream so much she throws up. It's so heartbreaking! Her separation anxiety came on really early (sometime between 3 and 4 months). Guess she takes after her Mommy in that respect.
She can pretty much sit up on her own, she eats some solid food and purees, can hold her own bottle and is working on learning to crawl. I love her to pieces and I don't know what I'd do without her!
I haven't done her 5 month comparison photo yet but I'll post it tomorrow. Here's a pic of her from the other day!
Aside from that, I am not doing so great. I am just so fat. I can't stand it. I can't stand myself. I want to stop nursing, on the one hand, because I just want to starve. I am serious... it feels like I would rather die than be this flabby everywhere. These fantasies keep coming to my mind about skipping meals, drinking coffee only, being hungry, going without. But I know that I can't do that because I'm nursing but I just hate my fat!!!!! I HATE IT!!! I want to cry and scream but no tears will come for some reason. I'm just huge everywhere and I want to fucking die.
At this moment, I do not care that I'm "supposed to be strong for Mara" or whatever. Oh, don't get me wrong, I will do the things I need to do to take care of her. But I don't want to "be strong." I just want to be skinny! There aren't words sufficient to describe how badly I want that. I want to just cut all the fat off, like you do to steak. I can't write anymore about this actually... it's just frustrating me because I can't convey it like I want to.
Aww, wow, she's growing at the speed of light. I can see this picture being used as a comparison to a pouty-faced selfie in 16 years time ;)
ReplyDeleteI know there's not much that can be said to make things easier, but we're here reading and supporting you. I guess that's a benefit of the ED community. It can be impossible to put that feeling into words, but I know what you mean.
Take care <3
xxxx
My heart goes out to you Kate, I know exactly how you are feeling. Some days are worse than others, you will get through this! I do remember you saying that you weigh a little less now than you do pre-pregnancy, and that is awesome! Try to hold onto that <3 I'm here for you if you need anything, xoxo
ReplyDeleteHugs for days!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs for days!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs for days!!!
ReplyDelete