It's 3:39am so technically this is BEDA day 4. I'm sitting on the couch, pumping. And honestly I just want to crawl in a hole. I am feeling like I'm at my wits end right this moment.
I do not know how to explain, to someone who has never experienced it, what it's like to have an eating disorder and "feel fat." Like I've said before, anyone who says "fat is not a feeling" is wrong in my opinion. I want to crawl out of my skin! I hate it! I HATE IT!!! I hate feeling so flabby and soft and just big everywhere! I can't stand it!!! I want to cut it all off. I never want to eat again!
I can't live this way. I just can't. Everything annoys me when I feel this bad about myself and I'm really hard to be around. But I have to keep eating because of nursing. Why does it have to be so FUCKING HARD???? I feel like I've been fighting it for so fucking long. Over a year ago I found out I was pregnant. So it's been more than a year that I've had to actively fight my damn eating disorder urges and they're just as bad as they've always been - I've just somehow managed to keep them at bay this long. But I don't think I can for much longer. I can't go on feeling this way. I can't. I can't. You don't understand. I can't. I want to disappear! No one understands.
I understand hun. I know it's hard. But like we discussed, you're doing it for Mara, just like I'm doing it for Syrsha. They need us. Plus you need to be strong for yourself. You're beautiful. I know that you're struggling, but I'm only an email away. Please message me. I'm always here to talk.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
True dat! Emailed you <3 xoxo
DeleteI could never imagine what it would be like to actively have to fight it every day for a year. What you are doing is so incredible. You are so strong, and so focused. The love you have for your daughter (who is sooooo freaking adorable by the way) is amazing, and even when you feel like you can't do it anymore, you always managed to keep up the good work. I know it sucks. I think everyone with an eating disorder knows it sucks, but only a handful will ever know how much it sucks without being able to do anything about it. That's what makes you so much stronger. You have a wonderful baby girl, who you want nothing but the best for, and being able to put aside your ED to take care of her is just so...incredible. You are a human superwoman haha! But seriously, I'm sorry you feel so helpless here, but keep in mind this is all for the best. The people on this site love you. Stay strong.
ReplyDelete<3 Lee
Thank you for your kind words <3 Can't tell you how much it means to me.
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